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Original poster

To think it's precisely this that knocks the confidence out of DD (5)

122 replies

legosteg · 31/01/2014 18:33

My DD is in year 1 at school, and seems to be almost bottom of the class in almost every subject. There are perhaps 2-3 children below her, but none of them girls.

The school operates a system where children get points for good behaviour and good work, kindness, etc. My DD has half the amount of the other girls and feels very, sad about it. It's affecting her confidence, she thinks she is no good at anything, and I've noticed her friends are even beginning to behave with superiority around her and boss her around more, which she seems to take because she believes she is not as good or clever as the other girls.

I don't know what to do to make things better for her but I feel like I have to help her or her confidence will reach rock bottom and she's only 5.

I don't think she has a learning disability. She has similar levels of intelligence as her peers and holds the same level of conversation, but is slower to learn new things. It takes her more effort and more time to pick things up. For example, maths, reading, swimming.

She also is a fidget and drifts off and forgets things, doesn't focus for long. But as I have said, she is only 5. I don't think she should be feeling this amount of academic pressure at her age.

Her teacher says she is a lovely kind child, but she does worry about what her friends think of her. Teacher does not think she is falling behind, but to me something is not right.

OP posts:
Original poster
legosteg · 31/01/2014 19:28

Sorry that should say year at not yes rat and grown woman not shy woman!

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/01/2014 19:31

This book is a good place to start

www.amazon.co.uk/Dyslexia-dyslexia-dyspraxia-learning-difficulties/dp/0091923387/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1391196434&sr=1-1

it covers dyslexia, dyspraxia, add /adhd etc.

Its quite possible that your DD doesn't have a formal problem but if she does then early intervention makes a real difference in the long run.

You can also look at things like the
British Dyslexia Association website
www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/
The Dyspraxia Foundation
www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/about-dyspraxia/

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/01/2014 19:33

My DS are in a private school. I think one advantage for them is the smaller class size so they get more individual attention, less distraction and less likely to fly under the radar in a class of 14-15 v a class of 30. However, you are right that some private schools can be very competative and that doesn't sound like what your DD needs at all.

sweetsoulsister · 31/01/2014 19:37

One bit of advice I have for you is to make an appointment with the head and very calmly, professionally but firmly present your case as to why this system is proving detrimental to your daughter. Why is the whole class aware of how many points each child has received? To me this could prove to be public humiliation for those who don't have many points, (perhaps don't word it like this but you can state that it is being used against her by the other girls). I would also say that your daughter's academic standing in school does not reflect what you see at home and you want to know what is preventing her from succeeding.

If you can present your worries without sounding like you are trying to blame the school will be much more likely to take action and not pass you off as a pushy parent.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 31/01/2014 19:39

Haven't rtft, so apologies if this has been mentioned, but can I just say, get your dd an eye test just in case that is causing her to find things harder. I have heard of several children who seem not to be concentrating but it turns out they needed glasses and things improved dramatically once they had them.

Children are very good at compensating for poor vision so it may not be an obvious thing, but if her eyes are getting tired of working so hard they may just need a rest so she stops concentrating.

sweetsoulsister · 31/01/2014 19:46

Oh lego please don't think your daughter has a learning disability...
How was her year in reception? What were her levels at the end? If she is reading and comprehending and she is 5 I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. But yes, get her sight checked just to be sure as Lynda mentioned.

Original poster
legosteg · 31/01/2014 19:47

We have done the eye test 3 times and she is fine.

Trying to get a hearing test on the NHS now, but I don't suspect she has problems with hearing.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/01/2014 19:47

Lynda
Good point. We completely missed that DS2 was quite long sighted when he was little. It was only when we took DS1 for an eye test and decided to get DS2 checked out too (aged 4) that we found out.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/01/2014 19:47

x post

Original poster
legosteg · 31/01/2014 19:48

Her year in reception was great, and she ended the year with 'expected' standards in all areas. She ended the year on level 3 reading books.

Her last term there were problems with a close friend who was excluding her and generally being mean and bossy. That affected her a lot and she felt very sad.

OP posts:
namechangesforthehardstuff · 31/01/2014 19:49

In schools the squeaky wheel gets the oil so get yourself up there and talk to them and then do it again and again and again until they're thinking 'fuck, better not overlook little x or that bloody awful woman will be here again' and that's how stuff changes.

It's called 'middle class parenting' Grin

Original poster
legosteg · 31/01/2014 19:52

Last term in reception that is. Same friend is still quite mean in the way she talk sometimes, but DD has other friends now and is less affected by it.

She does feel hopelessly bad when she compares her 'points' to the mean friend though. I wish she wouldn't compare herself against others but it's something she does tend to do.

We do try to praise her with the things that she's good at, but (and I say this as her very loving mum) she doesn't stand out with anything in particular. She is pretty good at most things, and if she has a special talent I haven't discovered it yet. We have tried lots of activities outside of school, drama, dance, different sports, creative writing, lots of things, but DD is quite 'easy' about everything, and doesn't express a LOVE for anything.

OP posts:
diddl · 31/01/2014 19:53

Is she being bullied?

I mean superior kids who boss her around?-do you mean bullying?

Original poster
legosteg · 31/01/2014 19:55

I think I will be back to speak to her teacher, but I will leave it a couple of weeks as I have only just been.

This week has not been a good one, but she has had a cold. I will see how next week is.

OP posts:
sweetsoulsister · 31/01/2014 19:55

You hit the nail on the head namechanges, middle class parenting is the only way to get them to listen/care/do something.

lego - I have a feeling it goes against your nature but get in there and get in there often until things change.

Original poster
legosteg · 31/01/2014 19:56

I don't think she is being bullied. There is one girl I would single out who talks to her with a horrible tone. But the girl talks to other friends in the same way.

OP posts:
Original poster
legosteg · 31/01/2014 19:57

Well yes, the school often make me feel as though I am just being a pushy parent and there is nothing to worry about. They tend to play most things down.

OP posts:
ommmward · 31/01/2014 19:58

Have you considered home ed?

diddl · 31/01/2014 19:59

"There is one girl I would single out who talks to her with a horrible tone."

But that's enough, isn't it to put her off going & doing as well as she could when there?

Original poster
legosteg · 31/01/2014 20:00

I would love to home ed but I just would not manage it. I don't think I could spend every moment of every day with my DC much as I love them.

When do get the chance to prepare your lessons? How do you cope with DC at different ages? I admire home ed parents hugely, but I do wonder how one person finds the time to do it.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 31/01/2014 20:01

You definitely need to make a specific appointment to go in and talk to them about your concerns.

I am wondering though, because you say your dd is a fidget and is drifts off and doesn't focus, if that's the reason your dd isn't getting many points.

If she's not listening in lessons and needs a lot of prompting to concentrate as well as a lot of reminders to be sensible in lines or during carpet time, then they are unlikely to consider her as one of the well behaved children.

That doesn't mean that your dd doesn't deserve to be rewarded with points or stickers when she does something positive, she absolutely does and maybe the staff need a reminder to look out for the positive things more so that they see opportunities to reward her. But at the same time, you can't expect her to be rewarded the same amount as children who do behave better than she does.

Original poster
legosteg · 31/01/2014 20:02

I don't know how to stop this girl though. I have talked to teachers about it several times. I have just encouraged other friendships and told DD to steer clear of her.

OP posts:
fifteenisnotmuchfun · 31/01/2014 20:02

I would insist that all emphasis should be on building her confidence and self esteem not academic achievement . Spend time at home reading with her yourself , some children are not ready for formal learning at 5 and just end up discouraged . I have dd now 17 who went thru this .She is ok now and on course for uni but has never felt confident at school . 2nd child was ready to learn at 5 but is not cleverer just fitted the system better .

awaynboilyurheid · 31/01/2014 20:03

Don't know if this will help op but sounds very like my daughter in P1 she was quite a young 5 (my baby, with an older sister who also babied her) and never got any work up on the wall or any praise, her confidence was low I remember her saying one day that she thought her teacher hated her, it was very upsetting, my older daughter was in P6 at the time and had sailed through the same school so it was very worrying for us. I made an appointment to speak to the teacher and headteacher I remember the teacher saying she couldnt put my daughters work on display as it was not fully completed, we are talking about a parrot picture here! she agreed she was never cheeky or rude just dreamy and "not achieving her potential" after the visit( and after I had words with them), things improved slightly but it took a more caring approach the following year from another teacher before she really settled needless to say she is in her final year at university now.

bodygoingsouth · 31/01/2014 20:05

oh op this makes me so sad. I work in a reception class as a TA and I always try to give out encouragement for effort.

we also have the 'always good' special stickers for those kids like your dds who always are good and kind.

she's so young, not suprised she 'drifts off' seriously before I was a TA I had no idea how much actual work the littlies do, phonics, numeracy, topic etc. it's mad really.

if the teacher says it's not a problem that's unfair as it is a problem for your dd.

so what if she's a dreamer, those people are the artists, authors and inventors of the future. don't worry if it seems the other girls are bossing her, maybe at the moment she is off in her dreams and doesn't care as much as you do.

listen my dds are teens now, not academic but doing good enough and they are popular because they are kind and nice.

is there a TA you could approach in reception.

keep telling her she's perfect.

and tell the teacher to up the stickers. you may be dam sure the pushy mums of the pushy confident girls are always in there.