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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why no one will help me

111 replies

SadderThanSad · 30/01/2014 23:22

I am living a nightmare. I have suffered a major bereavement in traumatic circumstances two weeks ago. I lost a child.

The grief is too enormous for me to manage alone.

I have seen my GP, seen a counsellor, spoke to numerous helplines, but I am going out of my mind with grief and torment and I just don't want to live any more. I'm not suicidal, I have a husband and other children who need me, but I wish the decision could somehow be taken out of my hands.

I have begged and begged for help, asked if I could somehow be sectioned or taken away, given intensive counselling or...look, I just don't know. But I'm literally dying inside and screaming out for some fucking help.

OP posts:

defaulttodippy · 30/01/2014 23:35

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.
I have no practical advice, other than to say that there are some lovely MN's over on the Bereavement board who have lost a child and the advice and support they give each other is amazing.

Please take a look-there will be somebody there who will truly understand and help.
Sending you my sincerest condolences and love.
xx

Original poster

SadderThanSad · 30/01/2014 23:36

It is hard to talk about my child without revealing too much of my personal details, which I am afraid to do, as I don't want anyone who knows me to read this and be frightened by the things I am saying.

I really want an ambulance to come and take me away, give me all the medication and intensive counselling and deliver me, in a week's time, back home, and at least slightly less manic. I know I can't be healed in an instant, I just want to feel like I'm not being pulled under by grief, as I do now. I want to be better for me and for my family.

I am just not coping. At all.

OP posts:

CrazyHmissesHerbie · 30/01/2014 23:36

I'm sorry I have no words of comfort , Their just isn't anything I could possibly say that would be of any comfort .
Just know I am thinking of you at this hard time x

notundermyfoof · 30/01/2014 23:36

So so sorry for your loss

salonmeblowy · 30/01/2014 23:38

Sadder, I am so terribly sorry.

Have you heard of SANDS? Could they help?

Original poster

SadderThanSad · 30/01/2014 23:39

SANDS have been very good, thank you
I have spoken to someone on their helpline and I have got details of my nearest meeting
But my grief just feels so enormous, I just want to be taken away

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 30/01/2014 23:40

Sweetheart, for tonight just take the sedatives as prescribed. Even if you don't sleep, even if you just feel 'sad and tired' they will give you a little bit of respite.

You need someone to advocate for you - do posters know if social services, for eg, could help op access some help?

I am so sorry for your and your family's loss.

Goldmandra · 30/01/2014 23:40

Might it help you to learn a bit more about grief so you understand the process you are going through? That way you might get to recognise the different stages, that you are progressing through them and that the emotions, while they will never go away, will not always be so persistently, devastatingly overwhelming?

Please feel free to ignore the suggestion. It's just that you seem like you feel the need to be active in trying to manage your emotions and this may be an approach you haven't taken so far.

There are posts on the bereavement boards that describe how there comes a time when you start to control the grief rather than it controlling you as yours is doing right now. Maybe reading how others have found ways to cope will help you to see how you will find a way through this.

WilsonFrickett · 30/01/2014 23:42

If you are worried about revealing personal details, post for a while, be as honest as you want/need to then ask for the thread to be deleted. People will understand under these circumstances, I'm sure.

Cabrinha · 30/01/2014 23:43

The real benefit of talking to people who had been through similar experience as me (absolutely nothing, compared to your loss) was not having that worry about frightening them. They understood. Listened, nodded, cried - but didn't get scared of what I was saying.
Knowing I could say "I don't want to wake up tomorrow" without them thinking I needed to go on suicide watch. It's not the same thing.
I could never have told my husband that sometimes I curled up and howled and felt like I was an animal, not a human. He'd have been frightened and dismayed. My friend who knew the feeling - just hugged me.
I hope you can find a place where you don't have to be strong for everyone else. xxx

FlorenceMattell · 30/01/2014 23:43

You are coping by reaching out. Please ring the Samaritans if you are feeling very low tonight they can help. Tell your family how you are feeling tomorrow.

Shaky · 30/01/2014 23:45

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child.

The grief must be all consuming.

It must be incredibly difficult to even summon up the energy to even breathe right now.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

BigWellyLittleWelly · 30/01/2014 23:46

I'm so very sorry, grief is different for each and every one of us, I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child and we came so close with our daughter.

There is a Facebook group for those who children have suffered hypoxia at birth and passed away, I don't know if this is useful in your circumstances but if you want more information please pm me.

ashamedoverthinker · 30/01/2014 23:51

Sorry for your loss.

Please keep sharing and talking.

aderynlas · 31/01/2014 00:00

Just wanted to say how sorry i am for your loss and the pain you are feeling. Thinking of you x

Isabeller · 31/01/2014 00:03

I am thinking of you, I have not experienced anything so painful, I believe nothing could be worse than losing a child.

At a very difficult time in my life a friend said if I couldn't cope one day at a time just focus on an hour at a time or five minutes even. I hope you find some RL support as well as all the care of MN xx

Original poster

SadderThanSad · 31/01/2014 00:06

Thank you everyone
I know realistically I can't be sectioned but there must be some 24 hour psychiatric support or something. I've had several nights where I've just longed for someone professional to ring on the doorbell and come and sit with me and tell me that what I'm feeling is normal, that I will feel whole again, that I will smile again one day and that I won't always feel like I'm dying from guilt that I wasn't able to save my child and spare their suffering. That's the biggest torment for me right now. I wish someone could talk me our of that horrible cycle of self blame

More than that, I wish someone could bring my child back

OP posts:

zoezebraspartydress · 31/01/2014 00:16

Sadderthansad I'm so so sorry about your child. You are not mentally ill, you are grieving. I don't know a single person who wouldn't feel like this in your situation. It is awful, awful, awful, but I promise, it is "normal" in your position. It's sad that there isn't 24 hour psychiatric help for people who feel desperate. The Samaritans are 24 hour, I know you have tried helplines, but maybe they can keep you going just for a bit? Do you have anyone with you in real life who isn't directly affected? Can you let your friends know what you need (someone to be with you, help you feel safe, listen)? Usually people just don't know what to do, they will be pleaed to have it spelt out for them, even though I know that takes energy you maybe don't have.

Guilt is a normal part of grief in any circumstances, but I think more for a child because we want and need more than anything to protect them; we're programmed to do it and we love them so much that when they suffer we wish we could take their place. But you know you would have stopped it if you could, we hate admitting how powerless we are, but although I don't know the circumstances I know it wasn't your fault.

Please don't be frightened of admitting your thoughts about dying. It is honestly natural, and really frightening, but feeling you can't go on it again a "normal" part of grief, nobody is going to panic or think you're crazy. I wish I could help you feel better, but this is grief and it's awful, but natural, and you can get through it, you will, somehow, even though nobody should have to.

springysofa · 31/01/2014 00:18

I am so very sorry for your terrible loss OP.

The truth is that MH services have been cut to the bone and if you hit an acute crisis, there is nothing there unless one has a significant MH dx. I think that in these terrible early days you need intensive support - but it's not automatically going to be provided by the NHS. Can you afford anything yourself?

It is very, very hard to find this out when you need to be seriously looked after. oh to be in the 50s when health teams recognised that times like this warrant intensive support.

I would go back to the GP, making it very clear that you feel off your head, and push for support from the crisis team. Push for it, take your husband and get him to push for it. GPs often don't respond to the first cry for help, they wait to see if things will calm down of their own accord. If you don't feel things are calming down then, yes, dig in your heels to get intensive support from the crisis team.

MrsCakesPremonition · 31/01/2014 00:22

Sadder , I am so sorry that you have lost your baby.

MN is a great place for round the clock support, no matter what time of the day and night you reach out, there are people here to handhold. The Bereavement Topic has some amazingly supportive, gentle and compassionate people who are walking the same road as you and are maybe a step or two ahead of you.

You don't have to cope right now, it is such very early days. Find someone to lean on and let them cope for you for a while.

Slutbucket · 31/01/2014 00:23

What about the Samaritans? You won't be sectioned because you are having a normal response to a horrible situation. You are going to be sad and it is going to be torturous but you will get through it. One thing I have learnt about loss is that you never get over it but you learn to accept it but that takes time. Tomorrow may not be as hard as today. You'll get to a point where you will have five minutes when you have not thought about it and then it will turn to ten. Slowly you will start to feel more in control. The pain will still be there but you will get some respite from it. Please take care and I am so sad for your loss. X

Original poster

SadderThanSad · 31/01/2014 00:27

Your heartfelt replies are a real lifeline to me tonight

We can afford some private help, it's a good suggestion and I have no idea why it hasn't occurred to me till now.

Is there anything/anyone that anybody here can recommend. I will do lots of looking myself too, but if anyone wants to post or message me with any amazing people or resources, i would be so grateful. I can only think of the priory for some reason!

OP posts:

rabbitlady · 31/01/2014 00:30

i'm sorry for your loss, which is beyond horror to contemplate. so no wonder you are living in a nightmare.
have you tried a minister of religion? i remember someone saying that their vicar had sat with them in the kitchen and they'd cried together, after a bereavement, and it seemed to help.
thinking that initially, you need someone just to hold you while you scream.

DCexpat · 31/01/2014 00:30

Call NHS Direct and tell them if you are feeling like you might hurt yourself.

WheresMrMonkey · 31/01/2014 00:33

I am so so sorry for your loss. Please keep searching for help, Samaritans always there xx

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