To wonder why no one will help me

[SadderThanSad]

I am living a nightmare. I have suffered a major bereavement in traumatic circumstances two weeks ago. I lost a child.

The grief is too enormous for me to manage alone.

I have seen my GP, seen a counsellor, spoke to numerous helplines, but I am going out of my mind with grief and torment and I just don't want to live any more. I'm not suicidal, I have a husband and other children who need me, but I wish the decision could somehow be taken out of my hands.

I have begged and begged for help, asked if I could somehow be sectioned or taken away, given intensive counselling or...look, I just don't know. But I'm literally dying inside and screaming out for some fucking help.

[OwlinaTree]

X post there with op.

It just takes time, unfortunately. You know it will get better, but you can't fast track that, you have to live through it and it's awful. You get through one day/hour at a time. Talk to your husband, keep him close.

I cannot say enough this is not your fault.

[OwlinaTree]

Im so sorry sadder. In many ways there are no words to describe the feelings of losing a child and the helplessness you feel that you couldn't save then, that you have somehow failed as a mother by not protectingthem. You never plan for this.

I found good support from the SANDS website and also on this site (there's a rainbow babies thread on conception). Just reading about others and sharing my experience did help me feel less alone during this awful time.

You will survive this, you are not alone. Sending you love.

[SadderThanSad]

Thank you thank you thank you everyone

And Ari is just divinely gorgeous, I'm so sorry you have gone through such pain ariorangemum

What can I say. The last few weeks have been awful, but with some brighter moments, even some 'good' days, too. I don't know how they manage to sneak in, but they do. Sadly today isn't one of them.

I've used a lot of the help suggested here. But realising that time is doing it's work, too. It's still awful, but maybe a tiny bit less. But I don't know how to get from A to B, from despair to feeling just about OK again. I am so used to controlling everything in my life, to making a plan to fix the bad things. But this is so different. The healing, the processing of it all- it just seems to happen on its own lazy schedule. I can't speed it up.

As a mother, I think I feel like I'm at the epicentre of this great tragedy, that has affected everyone around me. Whether I'm to blame for my child's death (if I somehow caused their health problems) or just 'responsible' in a more general way (this wouldn't have happened if I didn't exist), it's one of the hardest things to come to terms with. I am responsible. I feel so responsible and yet so powerless. Like someone that was handed the keys to a car they couldn't drive.

But somehow I'm surviving

[CloverHeart]

If i were to give any advice I would only be repeating what everyone else has said. So I just wanted to send you and {{hugs}} and let you know that everything you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. I won't say it gets easier and time is a healer as I always feel that sounds wrong.. but you learn how to manage your feelings and figure your way through the grief.

[LilyTheSavage]

Sorry, I've just re-read my post. I meant (in my clumsy and befuddled brain) that you will find other mums in the bereavement section who have gone through the same loss as you. I have found it comforting finding other mums who know that I'm only temporarily mad (because they've been through the same) and that they understand. It's a very gentle and loving thread.
I hope you find some peace very soon.

[Edenviolet]

Bliss offer free counselling sessions, they might be able to help and hopefully could offer something ASAP.
Also go to see your gp today, tell them that you need help again, if there is anybody who could go with you for support that would be good too.

[LilyTheSavage]

I'm so sorry. Please repost in the bereavement section. There are quite a lot of us who've lost children. It does help. Hugs.

[Spickle]

Time is a great healer though that doesn't help you right now.

My DS died aged 8 months 25 years ago. I found talking helpful and I did have some good friends that would let me talk about it. I also had some meetings with the compassionate friends. The bereavement thread on here is full of people who have lost children, you may find a lot of comfort in shared experiences because other people who have gone through similar losses can really empathise with your situation. I got some great advice on there though I have since namechanged. Or maybe make an appointment to see a bereavement counsellor?

So sad for your loss.

[Ariorangemum]

Thank you! You all are so kind - comforts my heart - xoxo

[DoItTooJulia]

the very best Internet space for baby lost parents

. I wish I could help,

[AcrossthePond55]

• sorry, should say 'by and for bereaved PARENTS'.

[AcrossthePond55]

www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

www.tcf.org.uk


If no one has posted these links, the first is USA, the second is UK. Compassionate Friends is a group by and for bereaved friends. They can help because they've been where you are.

There is NOTHING to compare with the pain of losing a child. God bless you all.

[redcatblackcat]

Would it help to talk about it here? i understand if not...

[somedizzywhore1804]

So sorry to read this. I hope you get the help you need.

[magimedi]

Another hand here, Sadder

And to all of you who have lost children & are so brave in posting.

[cardiandcrocs]

Oh my darling girl. I wish I could just hug you x

[JuliaScurr]

[Ariorangemum]

My Heaven son - Ari Orange Wagasky

For 9 months I have been forced to endure this unimaginable to even myself living it life path.

If you are still breathing - you are amazing.

Be gentle with yourself and raw shattered soul.

What most keeps me going is seeing each day now as one that brings me closer again to my forever present tense loved by me son.

[RueDeWakening]

Have PMed you x

[RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs]

I just wanted to add my words of sympathy too. I have suffered sudden loss, and been at depths of despair and hopelessness. All words seem hollow, and you can't escape your own body, mind and brain.

Sometimes I thought if I could just go into a coma for a while to let time pass without me having to be in it, would be helpful.

Of course now, I know that grief is a process, and whilst your feeling all that you are, you are going through the process and you will come out of it.

[Paintingrainbowskies]

I am so sorry.

I understand every word, I was where you are now 4 years ago when my daughter died suddenly and tragically in neonatal.

What you are feeling is totally normal. I sometimes used to call the Sands helpline and just sob into the phone. The samara tins are also there.

I used to feel like I wanted us to die in a car crash just to ease the pain. It's a low I never thought I would experience.

I know you can't imagine now but life does get easier and you learn to live with this awful loss.

It really really helps to find people who understand, a Sands befriender will usually come and meet you. Sands groups are good too. The sands private forum is a great place to speak to others.

[wigglybeezer]

It is not really just a bereavement though is it, it's a trauma as well and counselling is not going to be easy to cope with until the acute trauma /shock has abated a little. I think there are some treatments that can help people soon after a traumatic event, I am not an expert though, just know a little from personal experience ( someone in family, but not as serious a trauma as yours ). I will look some info up.

[Bumpandkind]

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. I have no words of advice and simply cannot begin to understand how broken and agonised you must feel.

Please keep posting on MN if you feel we can support you.

[SadderThanSad]

Expat and everlong, I am so sorry for your heartbreaking losses. I thought I was immune to this, stupidly, I thought I would never experience this pain and my life would always be good. How naive I was. But now I see just how many people are suffering in the world and how it affects people from all walks of life - I was just reading about David Cameron and Gordon Brown's losses and the countless celebrities who have suffered stillbirths too.

I am a fool. We thought having our baby privately (private wing of NHS hospital) would guarantee a good outcome. It bloody didn't.

Sorry if this is a bit of a trite post. I just can't believe how fucking smug I was.