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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my friend is excluding me?

145 replies

LoveGarfield · 29/01/2014 17:14

I have a friend who I've known for 5 years, we met through taking our DC to the local play group. Last year she switched schools and her DC now attend the school my DC attend (I recommended it as she wasn't happy with her school).

She still chats to me in the playground at drop off and pick up, but only when there is no one else about. We occasionally meet for coffee too.

Recently I've begun noticing she has created a big social life around other school parents, lots of dinners and lunches with other sets of parents. What I am finding odd, is that she has never invited me and DH to anything. I find it strange because some of the other parents she has only known for a few months. It's also odd that we chat about our plans for the week end, she always says "we're having dinner with 'friends' ", rather than saying the names of the people that we mutually know. Why be secretive?

I do have other friends at the school and obviously hear about these nights out and lunches. As a long standing friend, and our DH's are friendly too, I wonder sometimes why she excludes us. It makes me feel a bit low if I'm honest.

OP posts:
EducatingNora · 29/01/2014 17:16

I wonder if she feels she needs to make friends for herself and not through you and she's just taken it a bit to extremes.

BackforGood · 29/01/2014 17:18

I guess she's not 'excluding you' so much as making an effort to get to know some new people - perhaps she feels it' important if her dc have moved to the school later than other people started.

I don't get why people fret so much about what another person is doing. Confused. If you want to meet her for lunch, then ask her if she wants to meet for lunch. Simple.

Original poster
LoveGarfield · 29/01/2014 17:19

Yes, she probably does want to make friends for herself and I complex understand that. She doesn't have many friends in the local area as She lived on the other side of the country previously.

But why are we not included, when there are large groups being invited, 3 or 4 sets of other parents?

OP posts:
pictish · 29/01/2014 17:20

She's not actually obliged to invite you along I'm afraid. Are you even friendly with these people? If not, there's no reason for her to include you in plans with them.

I am friendly with two or three groups of mums at the school, and when I see one lot, I don't invite the others too. Similarly, I don't get asked along to everything my school mum friends do with each other either. And that's fine.

She has made these friends in her own right and by her own efforts, and no one is stopping you from doing the same.

Ragwort · 29/01/2014 17:22

Sometimes people just 'move on' with their friendships - it can be hard if you feel you are being 'dumped' but, to be honest, that's life. I have had friends at various times in my life, then my interests or hobbies (or their's) have changed and we just don't seem to have so much in common. I would hope I was never unkind, but it happens - perhaps your initial friendship was because of the local playschool but as your children move on to a larger school you meet a wider circle of people.

I know it's tough, I have been 'dumped' a few times, one person I really, really liked & thought we got on very well but clearly she didn't feel the same.

Try not to brood about it, you might appear 'needy'.

Original poster
LoveGarfield · 29/01/2014 17:23

Yes, all true. I wish it didn't make me feel so low though! It's almost like being at school myself and feeling left out!

OP posts:
MrsKent · 29/01/2014 17:24

She has dinner parties and invites other couples but not you... Sounds like she has found ppl she has more in common with... Was yours a strong friendship?

Ragwort · 29/01/2014 17:25

Love - just read your second post, that could be me Blush. I moved to a new area and met lots of different people; initially I was friendly to everyone but over time you work out who you have more in common with and some people who were initially very nice to me I probably don't see that often, not because I don't like them anymore, but I have made my own contacts etc in the area.

Original poster
LoveGarfield · 29/01/2014 17:26

I don't feel as though she has moved on as she still wants to meet me on my own, but never includes me in a coffee that she has arranged with a group of other mums.

I am 'separated' from the other social things she has going on!

OP posts:
pictish · 29/01/2014 17:28

Ragwort - very true.

I too made some friends at tots group when I moved to the area, but when my ds2 started at the school nursery, I met people I really clicked with, and started to see them more regularly.
The ladies I had met a tots were really nice...and still are, but you know....I didn't sign a contract with them or anything....

Original poster
LoveGarfield · 29/01/2014 17:29

MrsKent, she doesn't seem that discerning about the other parents she socialises with. So I really don't think it's from meeting people she has more in common with. For example, last term she got quite friendly and close with 2 sets of parents, and this term doesn't see them at all, but is having dinner parties with another set of parents. She seems to spend a few weeks hanging out with one group, then moves on to the next.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/01/2014 17:29

I would put distance between you. She doesn't have to invite you, but as you find it upsetting, you don't have to meet her anywhere, either. Just keep it brief when she addresses you and move on.

Original poster
LoveGarfield · 29/01/2014 17:32

And another thing, is that she often makes uncomplimentary comments about these people or their children! For example, she'll spend a few weeks getting to know a certain set of parents over lunches, dinners etc, then say something derogatory about their child to me. I sometimes wonder if she says similar things about me?

OP posts:
pictish · 29/01/2014 17:32

OP - as you are not friendly with these other people, it probably doesn't occur to her to ask you along.

My good pal A has friends from school I don't really know, and when she sees them, she doesn't invite me. I have no issue with this.
And vice versa.

pictish · 29/01/2014 17:33

For example, last term she got quite friendly and close with 2 sets of parents, and this term doesn't see them at all, but is having dinner parties with another set of parents. She seems to spend a few weeks hanging out with one group, then moves on to the next.

That's called 'getting to know people'.

Original poster
LoveGarfield · 29/01/2014 17:34

I am friendly with these other people ....

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 29/01/2014 17:34

Do you ever arrange anything? It could be she thinks you don't like doing big group stuff if you never arrange anything yourself and only seem to want to see her 1-2-1...

How about you invite a few other mums for coffee, including her.

If she still leaves you out of group things, then perhaps just accept she only wants to do stuff with you when there's no better offers, so stop being available for going to stuff with just her.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2014 17:35

She's searching for the ones that fit her social 'ideal' and she'll keep moving along till she finds the ones of the right social status.

As long as she isn't moving in on your friends and cutting you out, you're better off keeping her at a distance.

Original poster
LoveGarfield · 29/01/2014 17:35

Pictish, once I get to know someone I tend to maintain the friendship, not move onto another group and stop seeing the previous group.

OP posts:
DrNick · 29/01/2014 17:37

arrange your own social life!

expatinscotland · 29/01/2014 17:38

She sounds flighty. Don't waste time on her anymore. Keep it to civilities and move on.

pictish · 29/01/2014 17:38

I agree with don'tmindifIdo.

If you're friendly with them, then organise your own meet up. There's nothing stopping you.

WilsonFrickett · 29/01/2014 17:39

She's auditioning for new friends and she doesn't feel the need to involve you in this process because you have already made the cut, is how I'd view this.

Original poster
LoveGarfield · 29/01/2014 17:40

Don'tmindifido, I have invited her along to things with other people in the past, and she has said "no don't invite the other person because their child is badly behaved", for example. So she doesn't think I only want to meet one to one. And the other child is not badly behaved!

I usually arrange group things, and include her. And she arranges group things and doesn't include me!

OP posts:
diddl · 29/01/2014 17:40

"I am friendly with these other people" so??