To be upset my friend is excluding me?

[LoveGarfield]

I have a friend who I've known for 5 years, we met through taking our DC to the local play group. Last year she switched schools and her DC now attend the school my DC attend (I recommended it as she wasn't happy with her school).

She still chats to me in the playground at drop off and pick up, but only when there is no one else about. We occasionally meet for coffee too.

Recently I've begun noticing she has created a big social life around other school parents, lots of dinners and lunches with other sets of parents. What I am finding odd, is that she has never invited me and DH to anything. I find it strange because some of the other parents she has only known for a few months. It's also odd that we chat about our plans for the week end, she always says "we're having dinner with 'friends' ", rather than saying the names of the people that we mutually know. Why be secretive?

I do have other friends at the school and obviously hear about these nights out and lunches. As a long standing friend, and our DH's are friendly too, I wonder sometimes why she excludes us. It makes me feel a bit low if I'm honest.

I think Pictish has got it spot on! Your friend is just keeping you as an option.

Don't let her! Be busy when she suggests coffee. If she decides that you're good enough to speak to at the school that day, be polite and smiley but be in a hurry or go to speak to someone else.

Pictish it's funny you mentioning fuel she may use against me - my DH said the same thing recently. He thinks they are a competitive couple.

As for seeking her permission to make arrangements with other friends. That's what I feel odd about now. I feel as though any efforts I now make to socialise with my friends, will look as though I am need or desperate because I wasn't included in the previous nights out. It's a pain!

totally agree with pictish. i have a 'friend' like this. bloody annoying.

I don't really have any good friends among mums at school and I do talk to lots of different people who are in different groups themselves. I think you would do this even more if you are new and weren't quite sure who to be friends with. I'm not a social climber, I just like talking to different people and am not really bothered about making lots of effort with people outside school, as I already have good friends from elsewhere. Also if I stood with the same person morning and evening I wouldn't know what to say!

Whatever the reason don't let it affect you that much. You have mentioned money/ social status / etc so sounds as

Katnip; I think the issue is that the OP's friend is inviting other people on nights out or for lunch, but leaving the OP out, even though some of these people were originally the OP's friends.

So this person invites people over to her house and then gossips about them and their kids?

What a loser. Be glad she's not a closer friend.

It bugs me that on Mumsnet if someone doesn't want to be friends with you (for whatever reason - maybe the OP has pissed her off! Maybe her husband secretly can't bear OP's husband! Maybe she thinks OP is absolutely lovely but they simply have nothing in common or no friendship chemistry!) they are seen as a 'social climber' or a bitch.

Adults are allowed to choose their friends.

Not all adults will like you or like you enough to want to spend time with you.

Am thinking about this more, and perhaps we just don't fit in so much. The majority of parents at school like to get very, very drunk when they go out. This particular friend once got a bit flirty with DH (which didn't really bother me as I know DH doesn't find her attractive, and friend was very drunk). My DH and I don't really get drunk with school parents, it just doesn't feel quite right to us!

Ups posted too soon...
... As if you had this idea as a reason.
Why does it make you feel low? ( not angry?)... If she doesn't want you around it's her loss!!!

I think though EwanMcGregor, that the type of person that moves from group to group of people, trying to be friends with everyone, is a bit of a social climber.

Not necessarily a bitch, but a social climber

But meant to add, a lot of them do get a bit drunk and flirty with each other. Which is not really our style.

YANBU in being upset. Only she knows why she is doing this but she's certainly not behaving like a friend. I would step back from her and let it be. She is not the friend you thought she was. As for spending her weekend with other parents - good luck to her. I personally think school is not the place to meet friend unless you are a child. Its too messy (bitter experience talking).

You will find, OP, that she will work her way through everyone at the school over time.

Low because I feel a bit left out! And would like to be included. Even if I didn't want to go to everything it would be nice to be invited. I should add, I also work and almost all of these mums do not.

So did you & your husband used to be invited & now you're not?

No, we were never invited.

I would honestly just hold your head up high and think 'fuck her'.

She's clearly not bothered about you, or about hurting your feelings. Just treat her as an acquaintance, and as if she's just a random mum at the school gate.

Personally I'd make an extra effort to spend time with the other mums that you knew before she pushed her way in. They may well start asking her why you're excluded from things she arranges!

So she's always seen just you as her friend?

Well, that's either acceptable to you or not tbh.

I have friends, & even though my husband has met their husbands, we don't do couple stuff with them.

Ewan - I totally agree with you about people being allowed to make and conduct their own friendships, and if you read my earlier posts you will that I stipulate just that.

However, the OP has also alluded to a few things that do whiff a bit, in my experience.

Could be wrong...but doubt it.

Seriously, she doesn't sound a very nice person so I wonder why you are investing so much time and thought into the 'friendship'?

People are pretty quick to condemn! Maybe it's just that you and her have a different sort of friendship and also that she's making new friends (which, obviously, she is 'allowed' to do) I have different sets of friends that I do different things with and wouldn't necessarily mix the different groups.

Are the people that she's having dinner with good friends of yours or are they more acquaintances?

I think you'd feel better if you were to make some new friends. Perhaps feeling sad about his friendship, whilst understandable, is holding you back a little.

No we've done lots of socialising with DH's too - that both of us arranged, but all BEFORE she joined the same school as us. Since joining the school she is socialising with other parents that I am friendly with and excluding us, it worse she is being secretive about it.

And OP - given that they like a drink and whatnot, while you and your dh don't, it's possible that she sees you as nice but a bit 'straight'.
Much bonding takes place over shared drinking experiences.

We do like a drink! We just don't get drunk to the pint of flirting with other people's husbands and wives at school! Which I think is inappropriate!!!