To be upset my friend is excluding me?

[LoveGarfield]

I have a friend who I've known for 5 years, we met through taking our DC to the local play group. Last year she switched schools and her DC now attend the school my DC attend (I recommended it as she wasn't happy with her school).

She still chats to me in the playground at drop off and pick up, but only when there is no one else about. We occasionally meet for coffee too.

Recently I've begun noticing she has created a big social life around other school parents, lots of dinners and lunches with other sets of parents. What I am finding odd, is that she has never invited me and DH to anything. I find it strange because some of the other parents she has only known for a few months. It's also odd that we chat about our plans for the week end, she always says "we're having dinner with 'friends' ", rather than saying the names of the people that we mutually know. Why be secretive?

I do have other friends at the school and obviously hear about these nights out and lunches. As a long standing friend, and our DH's are friendly too, I wonder sometimes why she excludes us. It makes me feel a bit low if I'm honest.

YANBU. This would upset me too. Not v inclusive or generous spirited. Take a step back

I wonder if she's a 'Wendy'?

My DH and I don't really get drunk with school parents, it just doesn't feel quite right to us!

I'm only going on what you said there. Maybe they all enjoy getting sloshed together?

She sounds flakey. Why bother? Just cut and move on.

Leave her be, she sounds like she has realized that you and her are very different, and that she likes your company just the two of you, and frankly seeing less of her is no loss.

I was thinking Wendy too Mee - although this sounds more like she's used the OP for some introductions and now doesn't want her in the way

What exactly is a Wendy?

Yes, I think they do enjoy getting sloshed and generally misbehaving together! DH and I would rather do that with very old friends!

Ah, the booze will be it.

They are having dinner parties that involve everyone getting massively plastered; they know you'd hate it.

& they have to find fresh friends regularly because every three dinner parties something so toe-curlingly embarrassing, probably involving an inappropriate lunge AND vomit, happens, that no-one present can ever speak to each other again.

When I have groups of friends round, I invite people I think will get on well together. This is not always my favourite people.

I think you might be being a bit sensitive. If she's trying to make friends sometimes it's easier to do it without old friends there as well.

Agree, and I can be sensitive too.

You have already said you don't like the kind of dinner parties she is having. So she probably knows that, and hasn't invited you. But she still likes you and arranges to meet up with you alone.

Given that context, I really don't see the issue.

I have read this situation completely differently to everyone else, so for my two penny's worth I'm not sure I understand why you feel as though what she's doing is in some way intended to specifically exclude you?

When I read your OP, I thought that it sounded as though she was making an effort to make friends with people at her son's new school. If she invited you along, it would change the dynamic from 'new person getting to know other mums' to 'new person and established friend mix with other mums who friend already knows'. I assumed that she probably wanted to spend time with people independently of you because she already knows and likes you and considers you a friend and wanted to have the chance to get to know other people for herself rather than as an established 'pair of friends' with you.
I can see why you might feel left out, but I think even the fact that she will make the occasional negative comment about another mum suggests that she sees your friendship as the permanent one where she feels comfortable sharing her thoughts on the other mums in a kind of 'comparing notes' way, to see if your impressions of the people are the same as hers. What happened when you defended the other mums?

Either way, it does seem like you need to evaluate whether you can continue this friendship on some level or whether you believe she really is a horrible social climber, bitch or any of the other things people have alluded to on this thread. You seem to be leaning that way, and I hope that you're right otherwise you could be writing off a friendship that she actually values more than the others.

if you are in a similar career maybe she keeps you ticking over incase you move in to a position to be able to help her career?

Maybe she's trying to reinvent herself? So you being there knowing the real "her" would spoil that?

Yanbu
I've been in a similar situation and it is hurtful. It's because you would invite her and she hasn't bothered to invite you. I now distance myself from said person and feel better for it. She may not mean any harm by it but I find it unfriendly and prefer not to he made to feel like I'm being left out. Yes it does sound playground stuff but its hurtful when on the receiving end if it.
Perhaps she's worried if she invites you they'll like you more?

I would make her talk about it :)

I am pretty astounded at some of the comments here. The OP has said she doesn't like the kind of boozy dinner parties her friend has, and has actually been pretty disapproving of them. So why would her friend invite her?

I hate watching football. My friends who love it don't invite me when they go to watch a game. They are not excluding me, simply taking note of my likes and dislikes.

i think the OP has thought about this issue for at least 5 times longer than the friend has

MOVE ON OP

I haven't expressed any disapproval of their drinking or dinner party antics actually, and I'm not sure why friend doesn't include me at all - if she included me once or twice it would be fine. But the fact it is never, is what grates, also that she keeps other social activities secret because that actually serves to make me feel like I am being purposefully excluded. The secrecy is what is more hurtful. If she were open about what she gets up to I wouldn't feel anything at all.

She is a social climber. Is she competitive? She was the outsider as you were already at the school, and is trying to show how well she has fitted in, how many friends she has. She doesn't want to be LoveGarfield's friend, but be mrs popular.
If you still enjoy her company on a one to one my advice would be to continue that, but do not discuss/gossip about any other families with her. I would not trust her 100%.
Why don't you start organising things that don't include her? Nothing too obvious, just coffee with one or two of the other parents.
People always see through people like her, and often turn out to be fair weather friends.

Perhaps she's playing you? She sounds as if she may not just enjoy excluding you, but enjoys the fact that it bothers you, thus rubbing your nose in it. Perhaps she's one of those who feels powerful through having lots of friends. She may enjoy the feeling that she's popular: a bit like having lots of facebook friends. She seems to like cultivating an aura of popularity, and may even be insecure deep down. Perhaps she sees you as a threat and imagines that if she includes you, you may rob her of her so-called friends.

You need to move on, love. She's not worth the trouble, imo.

Maybe they're all swingers

Fedupandfifty has explained it better than me! I have known a couple of people like this, always women, and probably the issue stems from their insecurity.