To be upset my friend is excluding me?

[LoveGarfield]

I have a friend who I've known for 5 years, we met through taking our DC to the local play group. Last year she switched schools and her DC now attend the school my DC attend (I recommended it as she wasn't happy with her school).

She still chats to me in the playground at drop off and pick up, but only when there is no one else about. We occasionally meet for coffee too.

Recently I've begun noticing she has created a big social life around other school parents, lots of dinners and lunches with other sets of parents. What I am finding odd, is that she has never invited me and DH to anything. I find it strange because some of the other parents she has only known for a few months. It's also odd that we chat about our plans for the week end, she always says "we're having dinner with 'friends' ", rather than saying the names of the people that we mutually know. Why be secretive?

I do have other friends at the school and obviously hear about these nights out and lunches. As a long standing friend, and our DH's are friendly too, I wonder sometimes why she excludes us. It makes me feel a bit low if I'm honest.

I think some people love to give the impression that they're "in" and best buddies with everyone. It was embarrassing watching the behaviour of one mum when our DCs started school last September; she was all over loads of people and kept asking people round to her house, and for nights out. Not because she's a genuinely friendly, warm person, but because she just wanted to be seen to be popular.

Garfield - You have expressed disapproval of her drinking on here. Maybe she has picked up your non verbal language.

And I feel sorry for this other woman now. She is being accused of all kinds of things on here. I personally don't like friends that are too hard work.

You like someone, meet up with them and they seem to like you, fine. I understand it can hurt, but you can't dictate who else they are friends with, or what social occasions they should or shouldn't invite you to.

If you are not happy with how they treat you, stop being friends.

But we don't have to include all of our friends in everything that we do.
I have couples friends and girlfriends.

No, we don't have to include everyone in everything we do, but it seems to me that the OP's friend is inviting lots of others, many of whom are OP's friends, and excluding the OP.

I don't think that the OP is coming across as being hard work, I think she just doesn't like being treated unfairly by a friend, which lets face it most of us wouldn't like either.

I have one friend I really like and meet up with. I don't include her in group things as she can be pretty tactless e.g. moan about her "low" wage of £40k when most of my friends earn way way less than that. Doesn't mean I don't like her, just means that I know my other friends would not appreciate her tactlessness.

I have another friend who makes lots of innuendo jokes when she has had a drink. I would only invite her along with certain groups of people, as I know some friends would hate that.

I have another friend whose DP is a pain. I don't invite her to group things of couples as by the end of the evening I would simply be in a rage from her DP's comments about immigrants, etc. I don't know why she is with her DP.

Actually, maybe your DP is the issue?

When your friend meets up with you, is your DP there? If not, it may be your DP she doesn't want to mix with. That is almost impossible to say to a friend.

I think fedupandfifty is very wise and has hit the nail on the head.

Er I'm with choccybaby. You have had a lucky escape OP!

I also came on to say the same as choccybaby. Do they have pampas grass in the front garden?

Two thoughts: one, that she compartmentalises people. So you are daytime coffee lady, and others are boozy dinner party people, and someone else might be gym buddy or, perhaps, naice Boden-type friends and then more, er, down-to-earth ones. And it is decreed none shall mix.

Other thought: she is a friend collector. A 'friend' of dd is like this. Always adopting new people, then five minutes later casting them off. And then I noticed that she was a real chip off the old block. Her mother is exactly the same. Bosom buddies with someone one minute, then the next sailing past with an imperious wave of the hand as she glides over to her latest 'friend of the week'.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable and I disagree with those who say she can invite who she wants and that you are beng needy. Well i do agree that she can invite who she wants but it seems odd that she is excluding you everytime daytime and nightime things. It seems to me that she is shutting you out deliberately for whatever reason. I would distance myself, be polite and cool and concentrate on other friendships and building up your own networks if you feel you need to. Try not to get upset, you may have had a lucky escape.

The one thing that strikes me about this (and it stands out) is you originally made friends through your DC and the play group.

I know (from having childminded casually as a teenager) and from friends conversations etc that sometimes what binds relationships at this stage is the child or the place you meet (eg playgroup) etc and what you have common then is the child - so it can be hard to carry on the friendship when children are growing up, away from playgroup etc.

I get the feeling she feels you didn't have much in common with her apart from your children in the first place and she has moved on.

there could well be other reasons as stated in the thread but I would ignore and move on.

OP, you are massively overthinking this.

Maybe it's because we're not at the school gates stage yet (DS is too young) but I don't know, and don't give a fig, about who my friends see when they're not with me.

For all I know, my friends could be gaily getting together for dinner parties without DH and I. But what with work, and DS, and family stuff, and exercising, i'm too busy to know or care.

This is why I think you're giving this far too much of your time. If you want to see your friend then arrange to meet her, and enjoy her company, but don't dwell upon what else she may be doing in her social life.

She's entitled to see whoever she likes and have whoever she likes round for dinner. Getting hung up about it makes you sound clingy and insecure, IMO. She's probably just wanting to forge her own way at the new school, without the "old" friend who she knows so well she doesn't have to make the same getting-to-know-you niceties with.

Or maybe she only has six chairs around her table and thinks it makes sense to use her limited space to meet new people?

I think you should just get on with your own life and your other friendships Tbh. Whatever's going on here will resolve itself in time!

I've had this before.

It hurts.

Most effective strategy is to organize stuff you'd like to do with other excluded parents. Build up a social network of her rejects.

We weren't cool enough at work, we formed our own nerdy group. Guess which group became the more successful? We were just a mostly nice group of friends whereas the other group was full of snide remarks and competing, boastful, vain socialites. We'd all suffered from being excluded from being asked to coffee or lunch etc so we had no one to sit with; we started all going together at a certain time, rounding each other up and making sure no one was left out.

I eventually was offered the opportunity to join their 'gang' - it really wasn't that wonderful or enjoyable. I'd felt excluded before but it was a very disappointing experience and I quickly escaped to the safety of my fellow nerds - rescuing a few others along the way. We weren't exclusive but happy to welcome others. We did tease each other but it didn't have the sharp edge that the other group had.

The other group faded out and the fallen leader joined our group.

OP, I could've written this post! Some of it is quite spookily the same. I actually did write a very similar post not so long back and had the same responses you've had here..
Thinking about my situation now with my 'friend' it was actually more about me than her. I was hoping maybe for gratitude and perhaps loyalty for helping her and her dc settle into a new area and new school (her Dd moved to my ds's school to on my recommendation). She also started to have secretive social engagements with mutual friends and didn't include me. One time a mutual friend was hosting a surprise birthday gathering for 'friend' at her house and had told friend it was just the two of them when actually we were all meeting there. I asked 'friend' if she had any plans that day and she said none and didn't mention mutual friend at all. She looked mortified when she walked into mutual friends house and I was there too.
Now she socialises with school parents, I never get invited, this too is secretive.
Thinking about my own feelings I actually feel jealousy and resentment towards this woman, she's actually not very nice either but I don't know why I'd still jump at the chance to be proper friends again with her and be included in the social circle.
I know I need to distance myself but it's hard and it truly does hurt.

It is quite mortifying/embarrassing however, when other mums come over to me and this friend at school, and say things like "wasn't last night hilarious!", or "can't wait until Saturday night!". It's embarrassing because friend always looks uncomfortable that her secret is out, and I just feel a bit stupid for being so obviously not a part of this.

Other people at school know we knew each other for years before friend started at the school, so surely they must wonder why friend doesn't invite us?

So what do you & your other friends do without this one?

I think you'd feel better OP if you took control of the situation; make a mental note that she is now an acquaintance, not a friend, and just drop her from your radar really. Treat her as if she's just any old random mum at the school gate that you are polite to but know nothing about and who knows nothing about you. Then focus on other friendships.

If she is doing things to spite you (and it does sound to me as though she is), then rising above it and making out you couldn't give a toss is the best way to go. It will wind her up. I think you will also notice she soon drops her 'new' friends and moves onto other new ones if she thinks you're not bothered.

My social climbing friend was all over one of my best friends for a while, inviting her on nights out and for coffee, but I just let them get on with it and didn't even acknowledge that it happened and - surprise surprise - she has now ditched my friend and moved onto other friends. People like that just love to divide and conquer; they get a real kick from it for some bizarre reason.

Yanbu to feel sad op you can't help that but you need tolet it go becquse overthinking this is a) making you more upset and questioning and b) not productive at all.

What is productive is deciding what to do. You could say in the situation you've described above 'oh did you do something nice' because unless these other mums are real shits they probably presume that you knew about the plans and either didn't care or were invited and chose not to come.

I would broaden your social circle, go out and invite who you want. See this other mum but let her arrange it the firs couple of times so you know she wants to see you. Oh and don't defer to her, invite who you want. If she says don't invite x then say, I've actually already invited her I've never had an issue with her.

Stop dwelling on this friend, she isn't your only one. Spend time and appreciate the others. Yes.it's shit when you are being left out but brooding on if you are and the many reasons you may he I'd just going to make you feel worse not solve the issue.

OP - if this woman is playing games (which it sounds like it) then treat it as you would if you were at school.

Ignore and move on. I mean how old is she? Come on. Maybe if the other mums tell you about how great their night way you COULD butt in and say "sounds fab but I wasn't invited". you then get the pitying looks or the other friends may say to your friend "invite LoveGarfield next time" - either in front of you all or when you aren't there.

You COULD speak to her (people have suggested not to though) and say you find this hurtful and is there a reason why? but you run the risk of her brushing this off and telling you nothing's wrong or her still socialising without you.

Oh and a final thing.

I would invite them ALL out - for a nice evening maybe somewhere you all wanted to go. Make sure plenty of notice etc and include them all.

this way from their responses you SHOULD find out who is keen on your company and who isn't. You never know you may find another mum who is even more friendly and worthy of your company than original friend who quite frankly sounds like a prize bitch and I'd phase out.

Maybe she is head over heels with your husband and trying to avoid him and all of your family for her own sake?Dangerous ground and all that!

Totally agree with the last 3 posters. Take control of the situation and ignore her! Its only when you take control rather than being passive that you will move on and stop thinking about it. thats what i had to do. I can't say it doesn't hurt from time to time but its much better now, good luck!

Just be polite, but really, she isn't that nice. I CBA with that after a bit. Stick with your other mates and you'll be fine.

I know your feeling are hurt, but once you accept that she is just like this and is not going to change, you'll feel alot better. I can see it is a bit hurtful though, we all like to be popular/liked, to an extent.