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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is an obscene amount of money?

113 replies

SenoritaViva · 28/01/2014 16:38

£1,000 for a stag do, and I suspect further costs will be incurred whilst there. 4 days, of which two will be travelling, so this does include flights.

At least it is so out of the realm of possibility for us that DH immediately said no, but nevertheless AIBU or terribly old fashioned to think this is an extreme ask of people, or is this now the norm?

OP posts:

happybubblebrain · 28/01/2014 19:14

I've never seen a hen or stag do that didn't look tacky. Now they're tacky and expensive.

TheArticFunky · 28/01/2014 19:15

I was looking at some photos on Facebook of an old school friend. My friend has a circle of friends who are quite a bit younger than her and the hen parties they have been on are not like the hen parties of my day. They have been on hen parties to LA, and Dubai and they have professional photos taken to mark the occasion.

I got married quite young and hen nights when I got married involved cheesy discos or meals out. I cooked a meal and invited friends over and afterwards some of us went to a nightclub.

I feel so old and boring when I see what people get up to these days.

bodygoingsouth · 28/01/2014 19:16

I don't feel old and boring I feel old and massively grateful that this crap wasn't around back in the day.

fucking ridiculous showing off.

elliejjtiny · 28/01/2014 19:17

That's obscene. My hen do cost about £10 a head and then I paid a bit extra for a bride to be rosette and bridesmaid badges. We went to pizza hut (my MOH had recently had an operation and my 14 year old sister was desperate to be involved as well so we kept it tame). I think some of the others went out for a drink afterwards but I had to get my sister home. DH spent more, he went go karting and then out for a curry.

Weelady77 · 28/01/2014 19:24

I'm going to one of my best friends hen doo in May were going to Spain and for flights and hotel for 3 nights it's £300 and I think that's expensive as I could go away for a week for that!

grovel · 28/01/2014 19:25

What I think is so odd is that you can go to a hen/stag do and only know a very few people. Childhood friends, uni friends, work colleagues and family are mingled. Now I think that's nice but I would only want to risk an evening of camaraderie with plenty of strangers - not a week in Vegas.

PeriodFeatures · 28/01/2014 19:27

People are dickheads about stag do/hen dos now.
They all think they are starring in their own Hello magazine spread.

That. Also stag/hen dos could just be replaced with life

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 19:28

My DH is on one at the moment, it cost just over £700.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/01/2014 19:37

this is just the same as any other conversation about money.

People who have spend more.
people who have less spend less.

The problem with the stag/hen do is that what is often happening is that someone is spending other people's money.

So if you are loaded and want to have a really swanky do that costs £1000, then you pay for all the people you invite. Then nobody gets to say you are being a dick. You are having a party you can afford and people can come, or not come, as they choose.

However, if, being loaded, you think it is reasonable to decide that OTHER PEOPLE, some of them far less well off than you are, should be asked to spend £1000 on a weekend away to celebrate your wonderfulness, then you are being a twat.

If you are inviting people to an event, and not paying for them to attend, then you should try to choose something that does not cost a lot of money.

redcaryellowcar · 28/01/2014 19:44

yanbu its a limiting amount of money for most people, i had local restaurant meal for my hen party because i wanted as many people to come as possible, you would think only people with super wealthy friends would plan things like this but that doesn't seem to be the case!

seb1 · 28/01/2014 19:54

To be honest I think everything in life has become a bit like a hello magazine spread, hen/stag parties, weddings, kids birthday parties, costa cups glued in peoples hand, nail bars etc, I think the reality bus is well gone, but disclaimer I am a grumpy middle age women . I just "Don't believe it" said in the style of Victor Meldrew

Aelfrith · 28/01/2014 20:00

Seb1... Totally agree.

HaroldLloyd · 28/01/2014 20:02

It's very expensive.

I only go on the abroady ones if I have spare money and it's something I fancy doing.

Now that DC are here they have all got a lot cheaper.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 28/01/2014 20:06

That is a ridiculous amount of money.

However, I see that the competition for most simple and cheap hen do has begun in earnest!

AgentProvocateur · 28/01/2014 20:11

It's all relative. I spent slightly more very recently on a trip to the US to meet my very best friend who lives elsewhere in the states and who I hadn't seen for about 18 months. To me, it was worth every penny - and more- to spend three days and nights with her. It's a choice - some people buy clothes, shoes or handbags for the same amount; I'd rather spend it on a trip, whether it's with one friend or a group.

BerylStreep · 28/01/2014 20:28

this is just the same as any other conversation about money.

People who have spend more.
people who have less spend less.

Although this isn't always the case. Even people with very generous disposable incomes don't necessarily want to have their spending dictated to them.

FWIW, my DH wanted to go to a double Michelin starred restaurant that he loves for his 40th. We invited all his friends. I picked up the bill. I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting people to somewhere like that and expecting them to pay.

DontmindifIdo · 28/01/2014 20:31

See, like so many things, you just don't have to go! If everyone said "no, can't afford it" then the stag/hen would arrange something else, but the fact is normally they are arranging something that the bulk of their friends can afford.

IME a lot of this is more obvious when you get a bit older as well as those who got married young (early 20s) most people amongst their friends had similar dispoable incomes. In my group of friends, the 'successful' ones had 5-10k more a year than the rest of us back then, that didn't equate to that much a month more. However, you hit your early 30s and it can be £40-50k difference, or even more (DH has a friend who is earning £200k a year more than him - god they have a fabulous kitchen!). Then add in DCs and the dramatic difference that gives to your income. A group who were about the same at uni/school/first few years in a professional job are suddenly having very different lifestyles.

And again, £1k is a lot to some people, it would be a lot for us to find now. For others, it's really not. But then, for us if DH was invited on a stag do that cost £100 we wouldn't think twice about him going for cost reasons, there are people on here who couldn't find that and would be complaining it's too much. If you haven't got it, it's too much. If it's a small percentage of your dispoable income, it's no big deal.

Sadly, some people are richer than others.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 28/01/2014 20:33

A friend of mine had a limit of £10 per head for her hen do - they had an all day picnic in a lovely but free place. She provided drink and made sure nobody had to drive home, everyone else contributed food but with a £10 limit. One person who was struggling spent about £2.50 and her company was just as welcome.

Can't believe anyone would expect their friends to pay huge amounts, it's on top of the actual wedding, new outfits, a present, etc. So greedy and entitled.

I didn't have a hen do, DH didn't have a stag do either. Hasn't affected our marriage...

sobbingmummy · 28/01/2014 20:33

Its only a lot if you cant afford it.

PrincessScrumpy · 28/01/2014 20:37

YANBU - it's not about whether you have it or not. It says a lot about the couple's relationship. If I wanted to spend £1000 per person on a holiday it would be the kind of holiday I'd spend with the love of my life not a few friends. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel the need to holiday without my husband. I love him, love being with him and the bigger the event/holiday the more I want to be with him to share it with him.

Mine was really low key as I knew some of my friends were still students and struggling financially. Others could have afforded more but who am I to decide what they spend their money on. I wanted all my friends there regardless of the financial situation. It was a great night, lots of fun. 10 years later dh and I are still very in love. Mind you none of my friends have gone crazy either. Makes me feel very grateful for my amazing friends.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 20:40

I don't think it's greedy or entitled, the people who accept are having a fun mini break experience.
I've only been on a few hen dos myself which have varied from £22 for afternoon tea to £50 for a night out in Covent Garden. I didn't want or have one myself as don't like people making a big fuss.
DH has been on a few abroad ones to places such as Amsterdam and ski weekends which have been in that price range.

HappyMummyOfOne · 28/01/2014 20:44

YANBU, suspect the wedding invitation will have a request for money in it to pay for the wedding they want.

I prefer simple weddings where it is about the marriage and vows rather than a large expensive do that is more about the show. I always think the marriage that starts simple lasts as it wasnt about the actual day amd party.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/01/2014 20:45

Its only a lot if you cant afford it.

Exactly.

Which is exactly why it's so tacky to issue an invitation like that to a group that includes people who might struggle to afford it.

Beryl - bless you. There are few enough people who understand that when you invite people out, you are supposed to spend your own money entertaining them, not theirs.

MissBattleaxe · 28/01/2014 20:49

I think weddings and stag dos have gone out of all proportion. It's a very sad fact that the side effect is that only your well off friends can attend such wank-fests.

Keep it simple and be sensitive to the people who you want to attend.

AdventColander · 28/01/2014 20:51

I agree it's ridiculous for anyone on a normal income. Probably quite normal if you're super rich. And it's the time as well as the money - not everyone can spare 4 days.

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