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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH & holiday related

81 replies

HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:28

I'll try to be brief but give as much back story as I can Confused

DH & I both work full time. We have 2 DC's. DD is in school & DS attends nursery.

I have less paid holiday from my job than DH does (around 8 days off the top of my head). We try to split our holiday so that DC's don't need to attend holiday clubs during school holidays. No reason - just our preference.

This year we've booked our main summer holiday (2 weeks) plus a long weekend away over Easter, and 3 additional weekends away with friends & all of our DC.

DH has a big birthday at the end of the year & is planning a 5 day break with a large group of friends as part of his celebrations. I have no issues at all with this as I know we'll also celebrate as a family too.

Now the crux of it...DH also wants to go skiing at some point over the next couple of months. If we go together, by his calculations, we need to find approx £900 to pay for it. This includes unpaid leave for me from work, plus flights, spends etc. We're lucky enough to have somewhere we can stay rent free.

Another option is for him to go skiing with a friend, thus reducing the cost & no unpaid leave for me.

We're in the process of having renovations on the house which is taking up a large chunk of our disposable income so I said if it meant finding additional money I'd rather wait until the work on the house is complete then spend the money on a family break during half term in May. We probably won't be able to afford anything abroad, but it would be nice to have something special to look forward to as a family as the renovation work is taking up a lot of our weekends & I feel we're not getting much time together as a family. It would be special as we usually have one longer holiday per year, plus a few weekends away if we can manage it.

DH has just said 'Hence why I wanted to go away on a cheapy myself, just for the skiing, don't you think we're doing enough with the kids now'.

I know I should be pleased that we have holidays & breaks planned through the year, and I'm lucky that I can work full time to pay for them etc. I just feel really sad at his attitude that me & the DC have enough planned but clearly it's not enough for him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 12:32

He clearly just wants a holiday away to himself.
If he is already having one, then it's whether or no you can agree that a second one is reasonable.

If money is an issue, then he shouldn't be going.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/01/2014 12:32

Well I can sort of see your point but.......you have a holiday booked and a fair few weekends , maybe he just wants to some for him. Can you do the same? I think as long as financially it is not a problem then all ok.

You are over thinking - he just wants something for himself, nowt wrong in that as long as you can do the same :)

Elderberri · 28/01/2014 12:33

Well it's not just the kids is it. When is your alone holiday? Like you should be so grateful for him to blow cash, while you stay home looking after the DC.

I suppose I am blessed as my DH does not do 'lads holidays'.

Taking you for granted.

DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 12:33

Also, what happens to his leave if he doesn't use it?

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:34

Yes, it's this second holiday that is causing the issue. We could probably afford it, but it's not really how I want the money to be spent. I'd rather spend it on all of us as a family.

His comments such as 'I'd be happy to go with a friend as long as I knew you wouldn't expect anything in return' aren't helping matters, as I'll be looking after the DC while he goes away.

OP posts:
Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:35

He'll use his leave Damn so no danger of him losing it. As I said we're having work done on the house so that's using up days.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 12:37

You say above that you will have to take unpaid leave etc.. so if you don't have the leave anyway, how can you spend it as a family when you will presumably be working?

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:37

I could take the unpaid leave at a different time of the year & go away in May instead.

OP posts:
addictedtosugar · 28/01/2014 12:40

Is the birthday plan fixed?
Could the birthday trip away be a skiing trip?

DH also has more hols than me. He's about to take DS2 (toddler) to visit his parents. DS2 gets to go on a plane, DS1 gets to go to school, and spend his evenings with his beloved mother.....

bellablot · 28/01/2014 12:40

I see your point exactly. I don't buy into this 'if he does something then you should too bollocks'. It's about your DH being selfish and even suggesting the holiday in the first place thus putting his needs before those of his family's- taking everything into consideration, leave , house renovations and the fact he's having a 5 day trip away on his own. He is being selfish and inconsiderate, i would be upset if my DH did this tbh. How you deal with it I have no advice, sorry for that.

Anyhoo, you YANBU.

DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 12:40

So you are happy to take unpaid leave then?
I'm a bit confused.
Your post implies (to me) that the unpaid leave and cost of flights etc is prohibitive, which is fair enough.

But now you are saying you will take unpaid leave?
So if you are prepared to take unpaid leave, you are saying you want it to be for a holiday of your choice at a time of your choosing?

Squirrelsmum · 28/01/2014 12:42

So essentially he wants all the alone time to himself and you get nadda? Selfish git.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 28/01/2014 12:42

Well, I personally think that if he wants to bugger off skiing for a week (and can afford it), that's fine, but won't that impact on money/getting childcare later in the year?

I mean, if he takes 8 days to go skiing now, isn't that 8 days during the school holidays that you're going to have to find childcare for? Confused

redskyatnight · 28/01/2014 12:43

Sounds like he was suggesting that skiing was a family holiday and your issue is actually that you'd rather do something else? Or am I missing something?

LiegeAndLief · 28/01/2014 12:44

He's happy to go by himself as long as you don't expect anything in return?

And you are having to ask people whether this is unreasonable?

How very generous of him. Not.

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:44

Thanks bella

Damn Yes, I'm happy to take unpaid leave, to spend time together as a family. When I suggested that to DH his response was that me & the DC already have enough booked so I either go skiing or he's going alone. i.e. he's not willing to spend the £900 on a holiday for all of us as we've got enough to look forward to.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 12:44

Sounds like he was suggesting that skiing was a family holiday and your issue is actually that you'd rather do something else? Or am I missing something?

^
This is also how it seems to me.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 12:45

I have this with my DH every winter. So weve came to a comoromise where he goes and i spend the same amount on anything I want. It does sound as if you already have quite a few nice trips to look forward to.

pussycatdoll · 28/01/2014 12:46

Well tell him he can go to skiing

But you are going on 2 girls only weekends & he'll be doing all The childcare

I'm assuming while he's away you'll be doing all Tge childcare runs

If you went with him skiing who would have The kids

Tbh I'm jealous of both your holidays & disposable income Grin

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:47

The skiing holiday would just be the two of us, we'd have to get the GP's to look after the DC's. Which wouldn't be an issue for any of them.

DH's holiday year runs differently to mine so he has lots to use up before June 1st TheDoctor. He generally covers the first half of the year & me the second.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 12:48

Sorry OP will bow out here as I just don't get it.

I thought that the skiing holiday was being suggested as a family holiday? Or is that not right?
If so, he is prepared to have a family holiday, but would like it to be a skiing one.

For various reasons, you are saying that it is not ideal and that you'd rather do something else. So money is not an issue, unpaid leave is not an issue - you just want to do, what you want to do?

Sorry if I've got this wrong, but this is how it seems

DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 12:49

Ok. Cross-post.
It's not a family holiday.

I guess you need to work this one out between, he wants a holiday - with you - to go skiiing.

Not sure what there is to complain about to be honest, in light of your other 2 week holiday and 4 weekends away.

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:52

Liege I know - I think I just have a warped view sometimes! I obviously think he IBU but I'm tired, fed up of the house being a tip & not spending as much time with the DC's as I'd like so I'm aware it could be me BU Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:53

I know Damn. I know I've nothing to complain about re holidays etc, it's just his attitude that took my breath away. But as I said above, I'm tired due to lots of factors so may (probably) just be being really grumpy.

OP posts:
TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 28/01/2014 12:55

Okay, well, after reading the rest of the thread I think you need to decie what you want - a holiday for a week with just your DH, or another family holiday.

I assume either way you'll have to take unpaid leave? Personally, I would take the skiing holiday. It does sound like you have a lot of family stuff planned already - I'm not surprised he wants some "couple time" with you, away from everything at home (especially if you're getting renovations done). Go for it is insanely jealous because there's no way I can afford skiing holidays anymore wah!

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