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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH & holiday related

81 replies

HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:28

I'll try to be brief but give as much back story as I can Confused

DH & I both work full time. We have 2 DC's. DD is in school & DS attends nursery.

I have less paid holiday from my job than DH does (around 8 days off the top of my head). We try to split our holiday so that DC's don't need to attend holiday clubs during school holidays. No reason - just our preference.

This year we've booked our main summer holiday (2 weeks) plus a long weekend away over Easter, and 3 additional weekends away with friends & all of our DC.

DH has a big birthday at the end of the year & is planning a 5 day break with a large group of friends as part of his celebrations. I have no issues at all with this as I know we'll also celebrate as a family too.

Now the crux of it...DH also wants to go skiing at some point over the next couple of months. If we go together, by his calculations, we need to find approx £900 to pay for it. This includes unpaid leave for me from work, plus flights, spends etc. We're lucky enough to have somewhere we can stay rent free.

Another option is for him to go skiing with a friend, thus reducing the cost & no unpaid leave for me.

We're in the process of having renovations on the house which is taking up a large chunk of our disposable income so I said if it meant finding additional money I'd rather wait until the work on the house is complete then spend the money on a family break during half term in May. We probably won't be able to afford anything abroad, but it would be nice to have something special to look forward to as a family as the renovation work is taking up a lot of our weekends & I feel we're not getting much time together as a family. It would be special as we usually have one longer holiday per year, plus a few weekends away if we can manage it.

DH has just said 'Hence why I wanted to go away on a cheapy myself, just for the skiing, don't you think we're doing enough with the kids now'.

I know I should be pleased that we have holidays & breaks planned through the year, and I'm lucky that I can work full time to pay for them etc. I just feel really sad at his attitude that me & the DC have enough planned but clearly it's not enough for him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MomsStiffler · 28/01/2014 14:54

Eek. I also change my view based on this latest update - YANBU.

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 15:12

I'm not bothered about the money, more his attitude

OP posts:
Squitten · 28/01/2014 16:11

So can we just clarify:

He is expecting a big Birthday Trip PLUS a Skiing Trip all on his lonesome both times. And he is already telling you that you should NOT expect either of the same yourself?

Am I reading that correctly?!

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 16:12

Yes squitten

OP posts:
Squitten · 28/01/2014 16:22

Wow. What an entitled little twat. And who made him King of the Castle to dictate your life?!

Does he normally boss you about? Tell him to go to hell because he's not going skiing!

oscarwilde · 28/01/2014 16:31

And do you think he is expecting this because ?
... he's going to be 40/50/ or maybe 5 this year ? Grin
... because he gets more annual leave than you?
.... because you "work" fewer hours outside the home and so he earns more, or just because he earns more and pays for more.
.....because you don't like holidays/child-free time
.... because the builders mess is only stressing him out
.... or just because he is worth it ?

..... or are you conveniently not mentioning that you splurged thousands in the sales or had an expensive solo trip away somewhere in the past 5 yrs (only post kids counts) ?

jay55 · 28/01/2014 16:31

2 holidays on his own is too much.
Yanbu.

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 16:42

Oscar Grin

I'm sure he thinks all of those things might justify it!

I went away with a friend last sept for 4 nights, but for the last 6 years he's had boys trips away at least once a year.

I've def not splurged in the sales, no.

I work slightly less hours per week than him, but only so that I can do school picks ups twice a week. And I still do 35 hrs week anyway.

I suppose he just thinks he's worth it. Which is why I'm so Shock

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 28/01/2014 16:55

There you go then. This is his annual boys trip so nothing unusual there, plus he gets an extra trip this year for his big boys birthday.

I'm afraid that if he's done this 6 yrs in a row, there's a precedent set and now you are (though justifiable) looking unreasonable for suddenly objecting.

I would sit him down and say that if there isn't £900 in the pot so you both get equal treatment and days off this year that he needs to cut his cloth according to his measure. If he can manage a ski holiday for £225 (£450/2=£225) then he is welcome to go by bus to the alps, evil cackle

Start booking out your calendar for your own time off. I'd leave the birthday time off unchallenged but I'd make sure that's not a "family" holiday in X yrs time.

Mostly though I think it's a bit sad for you. I crave a solo holiday for the peace and quiet but I know that the reality is that I would miss my DH and kids a lot, so I don't even bother with a spa day though I hate those too

Do you have the option of taking your £225 and spanking it on some help while you are on your main family "holiday" - which if it is anything like mine is harder work than being at work.

oscarwilde · 28/01/2014 16:56

oops - I'd make sure that your big birthday holiday is not transformed into a "family" holiday when the time comes.

oscarwilde · 28/01/2014 16:59

And I say all this as someone who adores sking, has skied twice while pregnant, but missed the last two seasons on grounds of unjustifiable expense with two small kids who will need childcare. I would give a lot up to go sking and can totally understand why your DH might be desperate to go (especially to the peace of the Alps with builders in the house). I still think he is being selfish and arrogant not to be thinking in terms of quid pro quo

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 17:08

This years boys trip is his birthday one. They usually go around this time of year but it's been out back to September which is nearer his birthday.

I was a bit Hmm that, as he's going in sept it pretty much rules out a family break around that time, but it's his birthday & I truly don't mind the boys holiday thing - I appreciate that we all need some downtime.

What I'm pissed of with now is how he thinks I'm less deserving of such time, and his implication that I'm somehow greedy for rather having a family holiday than he or both us going skiing. And heaven forbid I should want to alone time too.

But fuck it. I've booked a weekend break for me & the DCs when he's away in sept now Smile

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 28/01/2014 17:14

SO he is basically telling you that you are his inferior and that only he is entitled to leisure time.

Are you sure you want to stay in a marriage with someone who considers you a glorified servant and not entitled to the same privileges as The Man Of The House?

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 17:18

Not really SGB. That's why I'm not to worried about my big birthday in 4 years time. Hopefully I won't be with the twunt by then.

I just wanted a sanity check as to whether IBU as he will definitely say I am

OP posts:
annielouisa · 28/01/2014 17:22

I initially defended him as I thought he wanted some time alone with you but he appears to be an entitled drongo. I think he also does not trust you to have a girliy break away.

I would start planning your own time away even if its only a couple of days and tell him to start treating you with respect.

oscarwilde · 28/01/2014 17:25

Hopefully I won't be with the twunt by then Shock
Not to derail the thread entirely but is this just a heat of the moment statement or a genuine desire to end your marriage?

Why have the builders in? Why not move on now? Confused

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 17:31

How long is the ski holiday for?

Squitten · 28/01/2014 17:35

So you are planning to leave him?

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 17:41

I think that's a bit drastic for a £450 ski holiday. What about all the building work, you'd have to sell up and not be able to enjoy what you've both work hard for.

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 18:03

Haha! No, not over a holiday!

It's just the latest in a long list of things that've highlighted his selfishness to me.

Tonight I was talking to dd about a party that DS is going to later in the week.

Before I'd finished my sentence he was challenging me saying I can't leave DS at a play centre on his own. To which I replied I knew I couldn't (he's 2Shock) and that I hadn't finished talking. He accused me of making a scene in front of the DC Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 18:06

I used to think he was mad, but know now that it's one of the things he does to gaslight me.

But because of how he is I genuinely don't know when IBU or when I'm reacting to him through habit

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 28/01/2014 18:16

I suspect that you probably aren't being unreasonable about any of it.

Start making your plans to get out asap.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/01/2014 18:17

He's a total cunt.

How quickly can you get away from him?

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 18:20

Was he a twunt before the building work?

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 18:23

Yes, he was.

I foolishly, blindly went ahead, knowing that I should be making plans to get out, rather than ploughing on with plans.

One good thing is that we have a proper spare room now that I can use to sleep in.

OP posts:
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