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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH & holiday related

81 replies

HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 12:28

I'll try to be brief but give as much back story as I can Confused

DH & I both work full time. We have 2 DC's. DD is in school & DS attends nursery.

I have less paid holiday from my job than DH does (around 8 days off the top of my head). We try to split our holiday so that DC's don't need to attend holiday clubs during school holidays. No reason - just our preference.

This year we've booked our main summer holiday (2 weeks) plus a long weekend away over Easter, and 3 additional weekends away with friends & all of our DC.

DH has a big birthday at the end of the year & is planning a 5 day break with a large group of friends as part of his celebrations. I have no issues at all with this as I know we'll also celebrate as a family too.

Now the crux of it...DH also wants to go skiing at some point over the next couple of months. If we go together, by his calculations, we need to find approx £900 to pay for it. This includes unpaid leave for me from work, plus flights, spends etc. We're lucky enough to have somewhere we can stay rent free.

Another option is for him to go skiing with a friend, thus reducing the cost & no unpaid leave for me.

We're in the process of having renovations on the house which is taking up a large chunk of our disposable income so I said if it meant finding additional money I'd rather wait until the work on the house is complete then spend the money on a family break during half term in May. We probably won't be able to afford anything abroad, but it would be nice to have something special to look forward to as a family as the renovation work is taking up a lot of our weekends & I feel we're not getting much time together as a family. It would be special as we usually have one longer holiday per year, plus a few weekends away if we can manage it.

DH has just said 'Hence why I wanted to go away on a cheapy myself, just for the skiing, don't you think we're doing enough with the kids now'.

I know I should be pleased that we have holidays & breaks planned through the year, and I'm lucky that I can work full time to pay for them etc. I just feel really sad at his attitude that me & the DC have enough planned but clearly it's not enough for him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 13:01

I should stop being a dumb ass shouldn't I?

OP posts:
JRmumma · 28/01/2014 13:01

TBH if childcare wasn't an issue id have the skiing holiday with DH. I understand that you would rather use up your leave and money on a family holiday but maybe DH would like a nice trip away just the two of you. If this is a possibility then lucky you!

I think his comment about 'as long as you don't expect the same' was probably just a bad choice of words and what he means is that if he goes without you (with your blessing) then its just not going to be possible for you to do the same money-wise and he wants to make sure you are ok with that.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 13:03

You are not being a dumb ass, it's the renovations making you feel super stressy. Just think they will be over soon and you won't even want to go away as your house will be so lovely.

DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 13:06

I don't think you're being dumb.
Sometimes it's good to step back and get some perspective and you've done that.

Go skiing, the kids will have a ball with their GPs and if you want more family time, be disciplined about getting up earlier at the weekend to do a little more housework and enjoy a few more fun family days together.

Best of both worlds.

DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 13:06

p.s. the getting up earlier is for both you and your DH, not just you

LessMissAbs · 28/01/2014 13:11

Let him go skiing on his own, but I'd be royally pissed off that he wasn't paying for me, especially as the accommodation is free.

I think he's taking the piss actually. He wants far too many holidays, he needs to have just one holiday and concentrate on getting the house finished.

I wouldn't take unpaid leave to accommodate him either, purely because I don't think it goes down well at work.

DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 13:14

He needs just one holiday? Confused
There's no such thing as too many holidays if both people are happy with it and money is not an issue
And the OP isn't actually objecting to the holiday per se either.

If they can afford one two week holiday and 4 weekends away and another week together, why is that too many?

annielouisa · 28/01/2014 13:17

Is he perhaps slightly "miffed" that just being with him for a break no longer means anything because you have DC. If you had no holidays and breaks planned with the DC I could see your point but parents do not stop being people or a couple.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/01/2014 13:24

Keep it simple.

No to skiing. If he considers that you and the DC have 'enough trips to look forward to' - then why, so does he!

Unless he considers himself a more special and more important member of the family. If that's the case, he needs reprogramming quickly for the good of the hive :)

And on the money front - sounds like there is plenty going on which will eat up the cash in ways which cause no family inequality - ie improvements.

So no to skiing. Not enough funds, not enough good reasons, actually quite a few negatives.

oscarwilde · 28/01/2014 13:29

I'd be happy to go with a friend as long as I knew you wouldn't expect anything in return

^ this would f**k me right off. How utterly condescending and generous of him especially^ as he has a lads week planned away later in the year.

No problem with your DH wanting an adults week/weekend away provided that the GP's are happy to step in, and work are fine with you taking unpaid leave [plus you aren't expecting to magic up the money from "your funds" as you sometimes read about on MN], AND it works for you all in the middle of a house renovation. You are braver than me to leave builders unsupervised though.

The kids will be fine with their GP's and it will not be much of a holiday until you can put them in ski school at least for a little part of the day so I would go skiing and not be a martyr. Pull him up on his attitude though, I get more holidays than my DH, but I don't view them as bonus days for me - more bonus days for emergency childcare so neither of us lose our mutual family leave.

Quinteszilla · 28/01/2014 13:32

So, he will both get a 5 day birthday jolly, and skiing abroad? Can he not go skiing for his birthday?

Who will take time off during half term, and stay home with the kids if you are not going abroad somewhere?

He is selfish....

Maybe you could take unpaid leave and go on holiday with girlfriends?

MomsStiffler · 28/01/2014 13:37

He wants a holiday with his wife, they've already had family holidays - it's not unreasonable to want a bit of "grown up" time & if you can do it (which it sounds like you can) then go for it!!

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 13:42

Could you use annual leave to go skiing with your DH and put your older DC into a holiday club for one of the school holiday weeks. I would have thought a few days salary would be more than a weeks holiday club.

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 14:05

Ah, once I started asking about flights for us to go together etc he's come back & said we can't go together as it's too much to find the £900 & we can't find the childcare after all.

So I guess he did want to go on his own/with a friend after all Hmm

Back to feeling peeved with his attitude Angry

OP posts:
JRmumma · 28/01/2014 14:11

Well then i take back my previous comment and he is BU to expect you to accommodate second holiday with mates in one year while you shouldn't expect anything in return.

If you cant both afford to go then you should put your foot down. Tell him.you can save and both go next year. He can use his leave up doing work on the house!

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 14:28

Do you actually want to go skiing with him or is it that you don't want him to go on his own?

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 14:30

I'd like to go, and see other posters points about him wanting to have a holiday just he & I.

But in current circumstances I'd like a family holiday more.

However both have been vetoed by him now. Us skiing together is 'too expensive' and a family holiday is apparently out of the question as we've 'got enough planned with the kids'.

He's happy to still go alone though Hmm

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 28/01/2014 14:33

In that case I would say that YANBU and fully support you in some foot stomping.

pussycatdoll · 28/01/2014 14:36

So I guess he did want to go on his own/with a friend after all

Wow :( are you two having any other problems?

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 14:39

Grin Oscar

I feel like foot stamping now!

He's already making noises about his birthday trip & how I shouldn't get the wrong idea about wanting to do the same.

We'd actually talked about us taking a special holiday for his birthday but that conversation has obviously been long forgotten.

I'm just a little Shock at his attitude, but I know trying to speak to him about it will result in him making out that I'm unreasonable.

I think that's why I feel so sad Sad

OP posts:
Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 14:41

How much would it cost for him to go on his own?

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 14:43

pussycat there are lots of underlying problems.

But up until now I haven't seen his selfishness as one of them. Maybe it hasn't been so blatant until now

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 28/01/2014 14:44

When is your big birthday? I'd start setting his expectations for that trip now plus your solo cheapie trip next spring while he looks after the kids. Cheeky f**k

We had the builders in two springs ago. It was horrendous never ending period of dust and dirt. If DH had suggested he was entitled to some solo time off that wouldn't be reciprocated I'd not have been convicted in a court of law.

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 28/01/2014 14:44

In the region of £450 creamy

OP posts:
Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/01/2014 14:49

I actually think it's a tricky one. I've had similar issues with my DH over skiing. He goes, I get the equivalent money but it's taken a few years of negotiations/rows/nagging to get to this arrangement. Are you both happy using leave for school holidays as this is using up lots of your separate annual leave allowances?