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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am hurt about this.

84 replies

PandaFeet · 27/01/2014 23:17

Getting married this summer. Trying to arrange everything. We wanted a small wedding, church service and a small (as in less than 20 guests) meal after.

Anyway, it hasn't worked out like that due to both our families and their wants needs. Whatever. But trying to sort out the cars tonight and my DM tells me my DF will just meet me at the church!!

Not only has it completely thrown all the (fucking bollocks) car arrangements, but AIBU to be hurt that my dad doesn't want to travel to my wedding with me? So now we have an empty car or I will be going alone.

If I said I would just walk myself down the aisle with our children by my side, I would be told to stick to tradition (becasue everyone will see it).

I know that its only because my DM is so bloody insecure and selfish that she doesn't want to sit in the church on her own. Its always her way or nothing. Always.

So AIBU to have had enough of all this pleasing everyone else, and wanting to elope?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 27/01/2014 23:19

So your mum doesn't even want your dad to walk you down the aisle? Bugger that! What does your dad think?

YANBU.

RhondaJean · 27/01/2014 23:19

Having endure similar when I was too young to be brave enough to tell them to get knotted and do what we wanted. Don't do it.

I resent every last bloody compromise and every penny spent. I love DH but it ruined what should have been a great day. Do it the way you want.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 27/01/2014 23:20

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Original poster
PandaFeet · 27/01/2014 23:23

She doesn't want to go with me when I try on dresses.

She doesn't want to come to my house on the morning of the wedding.

She doesn't want to wear a dress. Or a hat.

She doesn't want there to be speeches.

And no, if she had her way he wouldn't be walking me down the aisle either, but she knows people will think know she's odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaFeet · 27/01/2014 23:24

My dad doesn't get to think.

OP posts:
AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 27/01/2014 23:26

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ddubsgirl · 27/01/2014 23:26

I would go with walking with the kids instead then Wink

Topseyt · 27/01/2014 23:26

Stick to your guns. You will regret it for a long time if you don't.

Why is your mother so insecure that she cannot sit for half an hour in church without your dad? Surely there would be other family and friends around who she would know, so she would hardly be alone.

If they are such sticklers for tradition then your dad travels to the wedding with you and walks you down the aisle. Simple.

Keep strong, and don't let it grind you down.

gamerchick · 27/01/2014 23:27

Stick to your guns. I didn't get a speech or a toast from my dad and I can't put into words what my mother did.

I caved.. trust me.. don't cave.

Original poster
PandaFeet · 27/01/2014 23:31

I know my dad is very traditional. I can't see him being happy about it tbh. But he will never go against her.

I said to DP that we should just go in the car from our house together, as we already live together and I will walk down with our kids, but we both know that they will say we shouldn't do that.

She is going to explode when I dare to bring this up. :(

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 27/01/2014 23:31

It's your day, its a small but important part and you are NOT being unreasonable.

I seriously suggest you release your inner Bridezilla - tell your Dad that he has already been booked in the car & you're not prepared to compromise. Do not engage in debate!!

She sounds jealous, is that right? Sorry OP.

Have a wonderful day!

delilahlilah · 27/01/2014 23:32

Seriously, stick to your guns. There were some things I held my ground over, and others that I wish I had. I would just tell her what is happening, and if she throws a strop take no notice. She should be putting you first.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 27/01/2014 23:36

Speak to your Dad. Explain to him what you would like and see what he says.

Original poster
PandaFeet · 27/01/2014 23:39

I usually know what to expect. I know her likes and dislikes, so I can usually see the issues before they are upon us. But this one has completely threw me. Completely.

Its not like we will have a deep and meaningful father daughter talk in the car. He will probably talk to the driver more than me, but he's my dad. Its my wedding.

For fucks sake. Its like she knows it will hurt me and that's why she's doing it.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 27/01/2014 23:42

I think leaving your home together as a family and you walking down the aisle with your children sounds lovely. (I would definitely cry if I was a guest.) It's far more relevant to the situation you are in too.

cozietoesie · 27/01/2014 23:43

I don't think she's doing it because she's wanting to hurt you actually. I think she's just so completely self absorbed that she's not thinking about you at all - just herself.

TarteAuxRiz · 27/01/2014 23:48

So elope. Go with your DH and kids and a couple of good friends and do it. This is what some friends of ours did this year and it was the loveliest wedding I've ever been to. There were just 8 of us and it was beautiful and meaningful and honest. Fuck what she'll think or say you are a grown up with kids of your own now...which means you get to call the shots too.

Original poster
PandaFeet · 27/01/2014 23:49

Sadly I don't think DP is radical enough to it the other way. He's very traditional too. However, I would absolutely LOVE to do it like that.

But if I do that then my dad would probably be offended. Just as I am now about the car.

OP posts:
longjane · 27/01/2014 23:53

Why don't drive in the car to mum and dad and pick them both up .

Original poster
PandaFeet · 27/01/2014 23:55

Only two people fit.

And she wouldn't like the attention a wedding car brings. (I am not making this up.)

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 27/01/2014 23:55

If that's how you'd love to do it then do it!

It's your wedding, fuck what's traditional and what other people want. They get to decide what to do at thier wedding and you get to decide what to do at yours. If anyone moans or gives a suggestion tell them then can do that at their next wedding if they're so keen on it Wink Ignore any silly tantrums or guilt trips, let your wedding be the first step in a life that isn't manipulated by other people's ridiculousness

SavoyCabbage · 27/01/2014 23:58

Ask your dp what he would rather see when he turns to look at you when you walk towards him. You and your dad. Or you and the children.

feelingvunerable · 27/01/2014 23:59

Are you having bridesmaids?

Could your mum go in a car with them?

TarteAuxRiz · 27/01/2014 23:59

Then you need to decide what you want and make sure you get it. This is your day, not a weapon to be used to make you feel like shit. Make this wedding a benchmark for the rest of your days and start standing up to this woman. You are a grown up woman now, she doesn't get to tell you what to do.

If it were me I would cut out all the compromising and asking nicely, it will get you nowhere with someone like this...I would probably say...
'The day is about DH and I and the commitment we are making to one another. There are certain traditions that we should like to observe and which mean a lot to us. We would very much like you to be there but if you feel unable to do so in the way we have asked then we will completely understand should you decide to stay at home.' You know she wouldn't DARE stay at home, what would the neighbours say??!!

You have my sympathy, it's hard work.

Mishmashfamily · 28/01/2014 00:02

panda this is your day! Your DM is purposely trying to ruin it because it's not about her.

Do you want to look back at your wedding and resent the changes you made for her? Do you think she would have a happier day for it?

Speak to dp and make a list of things that a uncompromisable . You can't force her to look at dresses or to wear a dress and hat herself but you should be able to count on your dad to escort you to your wedding.

If you dad refuses, I wouldn't let him walk you down the isle . It would be as simple as that. Tbh I would actually ask you DM if she actually wanted to attend the wedding at all .

What you must not do is taylor make this wedding to suit your DM , she sounds like a classic narcassist and would not be happy what ever you did.

No speeches? She certainly knows how to piss on your parade dosnt she !

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