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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am hurt about this.

84 replies

PandaFeet · 27/01/2014 23:17

Getting married this summer. Trying to arrange everything. We wanted a small wedding, church service and a small (as in less than 20 guests) meal after.

Anyway, it hasn't worked out like that due to both our families and their wants needs. Whatever. But trying to sort out the cars tonight and my DM tells me my DF will just meet me at the church!!

Not only has it completely thrown all the (fucking bollocks) car arrangements, but AIBU to be hurt that my dad doesn't want to travel to my wedding with me? So now we have an empty car or I will be going alone.

If I said I would just walk myself down the aisle with our children by my side, I would be told to stick to tradition (becasue everyone will see it).

I know that its only because my DM is so bloody insecure and selfish that she doesn't want to sit in the church on her own. Its always her way or nothing. Always.

So AIBU to have had enough of all this pleasing everyone else, and wanting to elope?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/01/2014 00:02

Op you have to do what you want. Stuff her, she sounds like a spoilt brat who cries every time she does nit get her own way. It's your wedding, you do as you please. She sounds very toxic. Is she paying for the wedding per chance!

trackerc · 28/01/2014 00:03

I think you sound to have been generally accommodating for her needs throughout your adult life by preempting & amending your plans. It sound like its saved your DM the bother of insisting in her way, youve already flexed without her even believing shes upsetting you. your decisions. This time it is your day & it is reasonable that you state how things go. I really believe you need to state the obvious, not skirt around it. So run through the sequencing of the morning with DM & DF in the room using the appropriate words/instructions. 'DP will leave at 11am with the kids etc' 'Id like dad to be here at 11, then we leave at 12' etc. if you have to avoid eye contact by looking down at a planning book thats fine. If there is any reticence or deviation from what youve just told them /your expressed wishes, you need to look up and say 'why?' If the answer is in any way reference to her wants, just smile & make it clear you were just doing that to accommodate her (meeting tradition) & actually you're pleased she is in agreement with you that you'd go down the aisle with your family. Either way make it the outcome you want.

Mishmashfamily · 28/01/2014 00:04

long why should op drive round pick up on her wedding day?

DontWorryBaby · 28/01/2014 00:05

My mum went in the bridesmaids car. In fact I think that's the case at most weddings I've attended; the mum walking in and sitting down is the cue that the bride has arrived!

Speak to your parents, this is your day and they must be reasonable about your wishes, surely?!

pigletmania · 28/01/2014 00:07

You do it your way, if your pRents are offended, sod them they spdont deserve to be there. It's YOUR wedding, not theirs! You want to look back and be happy, nit with sadness that you had to accommodate your toxic mother. You can change this, it dissent have to be like that!

Original poster
PandaFeet · 28/01/2014 00:07

She's contributing, yes. About a quarter.

In my head, I thought that on the day, my mum and dad and the bridesmaids would come over to mine. We would all get ready and my mum, the dcs and the bridesmaids would go in one car, me and my dad in the other.

But apparently not. They will meet me at the church.

She keeps me at arms length and then acts genuinely surprised that we don't have a very good relationship.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/01/2014 00:09

To me I would not rake any money off them if they are going to yes it to get their own way. Have the small simple wedding and give them their money back

pigletmania · 28/01/2014 00:09

Use doh

Original poster
PandaFeet · 28/01/2014 00:11

the mum walking in and sitting down is the cue that the bride has arrived!

That's it!!! She doesn't want all of DPs family looking at her as she walks down the aisle. I didn't think of that before. I haven't been to many weddings. Too many eyes on her. That's exactly what this is all about.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/01/2014 00:13

Panda you can break this cycle don't turn into your dad, if she went nc with you it would not make much of a difference she keeps you at arms length anyway

DoJo · 28/01/2014 00:15

I have no idea why you are concerned about what this woman thinks or does - she makes no effort to embrace you and what you want on your wedding day yet you are still dancing around planning a wedding you don't really want just for what? So that she can grudgingly turn up to impose her preferences on everyone regardless of how bad it makes you feel?
I have no idea why you would let this happen to your day - it sounds like she'll have a face like a smacked arse on her whatever you do, so you might as well make it because you decided to do things your way.

Scarletohello · 28/01/2014 00:17

ITS YOUR WEDDING. DO WHAT THE FUCK YOU ESNT. ARE YOU A BRIDE OR A MOUSE..??

Scarletohello · 28/01/2014 00:17

WANT

TarteAuxRiz · 28/01/2014 00:21

There's no way I'd accept her money then. She is utterly controlling you and what you do and ruining your day before it even arrives. Go dress shopping with a good friend. Have the bridesmaid so ver at yours. Take your dad to one side and tell him you have always wanted him to travel to the church with you and that you know your mum is very determined but this is important to you and you'd like him to consider it. And then let her make her own way there.

Original poster
PandaFeet · 28/01/2014 00:22

I pick my battles. Up to now, we only cared that we were getting married. And all the rest was fine that it was pleasing them, because at the end of it all we would be married.

I have argued with her over many things. I have put my foot down. It gets me nowhere but I have done it. I suppose the fact that the size of the wedding had got away from us meant that the rest didn't matter.

But my dad not escorting me to the church. Well. That's just a step too far. But I just haven't got the fight in me right now. There are a lot of things going on at the min and I have been feeling really overwhelmed. I wasn't prepared for this at all.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/01/2014 00:23

Who else can accompany your mum on the day? Brother, uncle, female relative, family friend? She doesn't need to walk in on her own or be the centre of attention but you need and want your dad to walk you down the aisle and come in the car with you so that's what you should get.

Be Bridezilla about it. But also be sneaky and organise it so she can't reasonably object...

pigletmania · 28/01/2014 00:26

Panda you need to out your foot down on this one, this is extremely important and expect nc with her as a result. You have pandered to this woman who does not seem to care for you, for too long. You would not accept that behaviour from anybody else just because she is biologically your mum does not give her carte blance to treat you like rubbish, and you let her! Stop thus cycle now!

pigletmania · 28/01/2014 00:27

And the speeches, noway! If she does not like it she can get lost!

pigletmania · 28/01/2014 00:30

You need to fight right now panda as this is an important event, for me the more she does that the more I will do my own thing, I am stubbon like that!

NoSquirrels · 28/01/2014 00:35

Would your DP talk to your father about it? Would that help? I completely agree you shouldn't let this go.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 28/01/2014 00:47

Do it your way and ignore your mother. After 12 odd years I am still fuming with my dh for letting his controlling sister wreck our wedding day. Women like this are poison and should be stopped.

DoJo · 28/01/2014 00:51

Sounds like a case for a MN intervention - where shall we meet to give Panda's mum her Biscuit?

TarteAuxRiz · 28/01/2014 00:53

Surely if your DH can see how much this is getting to you he could
do away with tradition and agree to you both going away and doing it just the way you like? You could take his parents and not yours?

maras2 · 28/01/2014 01:13

Dunno about DP but D Dad needs a swift kick up the arse for pandering to Panda's pain in the arse mum.Sorry Panda hope you manage to resolve it soon.x

BillyBanter · 28/01/2014 01:26

Perhaps you could refer your dad to mankind or other helpline for abused men.

Other than that you can either tell your mum what's what, with the option of not coming, when she resists, elope, or cave.

I don't know what is the best choice for you.