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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am hurt about this.

84 replies

PandaFeet · 27/01/2014 23:17

Getting married this summer. Trying to arrange everything. We wanted a small wedding, church service and a small (as in less than 20 guests) meal after.

Anyway, it hasn't worked out like that due to both our families and their wants needs. Whatever. But trying to sort out the cars tonight and my DM tells me my DF will just meet me at the church!!

Not only has it completely thrown all the (fucking bollocks) car arrangements, but AIBU to be hurt that my dad doesn't want to travel to my wedding with me? So now we have an empty car or I will be going alone.

If I said I would just walk myself down the aisle with our children by my side, I would be told to stick to tradition (becasue everyone will see it).

I know that its only because my DM is so bloody insecure and selfish that she doesn't want to sit in the church on her own. Its always her way or nothing. Always.

So AIBU to have had enough of all this pleasing everyone else, and wanting to elope?

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 28/01/2014 01:40

It does sound as though your mother is emotionally abusive
I so sorry.

Try to encourage your dad to get some support and for her to seek counselling.
In the meanwhile I probably try to find her lever if you really cannot achieve what you need in a straightforward way. If she hates attention then maybe mention how everyone at the wedding will be talking about her as it will be so strange for you to arrive alone.
EVERYONE WILL KNOW, EVERYONE.
Might encourage her to do the right thing

OliviaBenson · 28/01/2014 06:34

Has she increased the guest list op? She can't have it both ways- insisting on extra guests but then being funny about extra attention etc. what are the other concessions that you have already made for her?

IEvenBurnToast · 28/01/2014 06:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FamiliesShareGerms · 28/01/2014 06:49

If eloping etc not on the cards, then in addition to the advice up thread about how to put your foot down on this, I'd suggest that you need the best man or an usher ( I'm assuming you don't have a brother, for some reason!) to have the special job if escorting her to her seat in the church. Tell her this is what will happen.

And how about walking back up the aisle afterwards with all your DC?

SanityClause · 28/01/2014 07:06

I understand that your mother is a nightmare. It sounds like you tiptoe round her - you know what will set her off, so you are careful about those things. Your father does the same, and will use you as a human shield back her up, no matter what.

BUT, it seems to me that this business of your father driving with you to the church has taken on a bigger significance than the actual fact. I mean, he'll walk you down the aisle, but just won't drive to church with you, in the car? And if he did, he would probably chat to the driver, anyway?

Why not take a bridesmaid in the car with you for moral support, and meet your father at the church.

Then deal with your relationship with your parents after the wedding.

WipsGlitter · 28/01/2014 07:18

My mum hates being the centre of attention (actually I'm not sure this is true as her alternatives tend to generate more attention) at my sisters wedding my uncle drove her and she just went in with all the other guests so no solo walk down the aisle for her.

TBH it might be a bit hectic with a load of extra people getting ready at your house so I can see how shed rather do that in privacy. Can't you and chief bridesmaid go in the car and meet your dad at the church?

FetchezLaVache · 28/01/2014 07:39

This might be really naughty of me, but why not inform her that as plans have already departed from the strictly traditional anyway, you have decided that you, DP and the children will be walking down the aisle together. If she hates it, she can graciously "allow" your father to travel to church in the car with you, because those are the only two scenarios that you, the freakin' BRIDE for Pete's sake, will countenance. Out-diva her!

When my brother got married, my dad was a bit of an arse about some of the non-traditional touches my SIL wanted. SIL announced that the men would be having tulips as buttonholes. Dad started to object on the grounds of unorthodoxy when SIL cut across him with "Pops, you're GETTING a TULIP!!!" He STFU.

Original poster
PandaFeet · 28/01/2014 07:40

We have thought through all the other options, including my chief bridesmaid coming in the car with me, and us walking back out of the church with the kids.

But everyone will see that he didn't come with me, because everyone will see him standing at the church like a spare part. It will be this half mashed day that will look badly organised. Pil already know she's weird, so the whispers will be passing round and I am trying to save her from that.

They did increase the guest list, which I made my peace with when this whole thing took off. Even if she got ready and then came to my house to help with the kids while I got ready (which she will have no issue with the rest of the day) it would still be normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaFeet · 28/01/2014 07:45

:o at the tulip! I will have to be like that won't I. Is there a traditional flower for buttonholes? I thought the buttonholes were just whatever flowers the bride and groom had chosen for the day?! imagines arguement over fucking gerberas

OP posts:
diddl · 28/01/2014 07:59

Decrease the guest list back & take no money from them.

Let your mum & dad just be guests-it sounds as if they barely deserve that tbh.

Is there someone else who could walk you down-sibling/uncle/fil?

Or walk down with your children/children & partner.

Original poster
PandaFeet · 28/01/2014 08:14

The wheels are in motion now. We would lose money if we try to change it. :(

Having him not walk me down the aisle is worse than him not going in the car. So I think I am just going to pretend she didn't say that to me and charge ahead. Slip in little things about the morning of the wedding and them being at ours.

OP posts:
MeMySonAndI · 28/01/2014 08:24

Talk to your dad in private and tell him how his not escorting you to the wedding makes you feel, men are many times not as clued up about wedding traditions, for him it may be just a ride to church...

Almostfifty · 28/01/2014 08:28

Why don't you just walk down the aisle with your children and your partner?

I don't get this 'giving away' bit personally.

Don't let her win, it's your day not hers.

Mishmashfamily · 28/01/2014 08:28

Morning panda do you think that will work? I couldn't be doing with 'did she pick up the hint issue'

Think your dad needs to grow a pair of balls though! This should be a very proud moment for him. Have you spoke to him personally ? Why are you trying to spare her feelings when she clearly didn't mind trampling yours for your big day?

rumbleinthrjungle · 28/01/2014 08:32

Have you thought of offering her the Queen Victoria option? I seem to remember she sat in a cupboard in the church during one of her daughters' weddings and sobbed loudly throughout, she must have made that day a joy for everyone.

It's your wedding, OP. Not hers. Seriously, if you let her make all the decisions and do everything her way, is that going to make her happy and make the day easy and lovely for you? If it won't, you have nothing to lose in going after everything you want. You don't need to look back on months of high stress like this and step by step battles for a day you still didn't get to enjoy as you wanted to.

ElleMcFearsome · 28/01/2014 08:44

I was walked down the by my daughters when I remarried. And they gave me away - the registrar asked them if they were happy for me to marry my DH and they consented (they were 13 and 15 and we'd discussed it beforehand, obviously). It made them feel involved and a lot of people sniffled. My DF was happy to walk me down, but I felt it was more important for the DDs to have that special role, so it is do-able and does work!

That said, I'm so sorry about what's happening, and although I haven't got anything to add to the advice already given I do send you Brew and Thanks. I hope you resolve it and have a lovely day!

FetchezLaVache · 28/01/2014 10:11

Yes, I think you will have to be like that. You are making the mistake most reasonable people make, which is to assume that if you give way over X and Y, the other person will give way over Z, in a spirit of compromise and reciprocity. However, someone like your mother will take your capitulation over X and Y to mean that if they push you hard enough, she can get her way over Z too. Time to dig your heels in!

And yes, my DDad believes that roses or carnations are the only acceptable buttonhole choices...

ShephardsDelight · 28/01/2014 10:20

I'm very sorry op you're mum sounds very hard work bordering on just downright unpleasant.
I would try and ring your dad when she's not there,
If that ever happens...

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 28/01/2014 10:28

I would get your dad to one side and explain to him how upset you will be if he does not ride with you to the wedding. He probably does not know any of this.

I hope it all works out and you have a great day op Thanks

Whatisaweekend · 28/01/2014 10:35

Speak privately to your father. I know he normally cow-tows to your mum but just once, on this day, he needs to dad-up and be there for his daughter!

Any chance your dp could go groom-zilla and provide a "bad-cop" you could blame (eg. "I wouldn't really mind but dp is insisting that we do this in the traditional manner with dad coming with ME" etc)?

SnookyPooky · 28/01/2014 11:26

That's awful Panda, one of the nicest things about my wedding was the part my Dad played. I would not have wanted to compromise any part of it.

FiddleDiddleDiddle · 28/01/2014 11:38

I think you need to play it really straight. Have you actually said to her (and him), "It's important to me that I travel to the church with Dad. Please allow this to happen, as it's my wedding day." ?

longtallsally2 · 28/01/2014 11:51

Don't worry what other people will think. Work out how to keep your mum quiet, so that she doesn't wreck your morning, and work out what you want. If you want your Dad in the car, then tell her that is what is going to happen and organise another relative to sit on her look after her at the church. If you just want him to walk you down the aisle, get him to meet you there, as long as you can be sure that she won't have hijacked him, and enjoy a glass of bubbly in the car with your bridesmaid.

I would not notice a father of the bride "standing about like a spare part" at the church or wonder why he was not with you. Every wedding is different these days. Make yours the day you want, planning for your dm, just as you would plan to keep a bothersome child occupied, making sure as far as possible that she doesn't get in the way.

Enjoy!

ceebie · 28/01/2014 12:09

Give him 2 choices:

  1. He goes in the car with you AND walks down the aisle with you

or

  1. He DOESN'T go in the car with you and DOESN'T walk down the aisle with you.

Simple.
And non-negotiable.

Original poster
PandaFeet · 28/01/2014 12:12

Thanks everyone. I really expected to be told I was U when I started this thread. But I am glad I am not over reacting.

I really don't know what will work or what I will do. I already told her last night that it was up to DP to decide about the cars too, and that he wanted to do it my way. I will wait and see how the land lies the next time I speak with her. I am trying to not bring the wedding up too much as I don't want her accusing me of being a bridezilla.

My dad is a walk over. I gave up expecting either of them to put their kids first (I have a sister) a very very long time ago. He will never stand up for me even if he thinks I'm right. They have to present a united front.

She still does things to "teach me a lesson" if I displease her in some way. Like invite the whole family round except me but make sure I know about it. Things like that.

OP posts: