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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit disgruntled when people claim they couldn't cope?

104 replies

resilientmaterial · 27/01/2014 22:31

I probably am.

It's just like most people have had some rubbish thrown my way, but I unfortunately have NO support network whatsoever, so as a result everything comes down to me.

So I do feel a bit fed up when people say they couldn't cope with working long days plus DCs plus cooking plus work at home ... or say "I couldn't cope without my DP/mum/neighbour."

I know what they mean, but if they had to they would cope, mostly. We all would. Aibu?

OP posts:
DoJo · 28/01/2014 00:27

People admiring you for 'coping' doesn't equate to thinking you have a crap life. I couldn't cope with being a doctor, because I would find the pressure overwhelming and never be able to switch off about patients that I couldn't help. It doesn't mean I think being a doctor is shit, (of course, I think it is an admirable profession) just that I am not cut out for that kind of thing. That's what I think most people mean when they say they couldn't cope with x, y or z.

TaraLott · 28/01/2014 00:41

I get where you are coming from OP, and yes, despite some awful life changes I have coped, even though I sometimes look back and wonder how.

BillyBanter · 28/01/2014 00:53

Is that what that are saying every time? That's a big assumption.

I can think of a few ways they could mean it. It could mean nothing. Just filler. What people say. Whatever they mean, decide to take it as a compliment. You are coping with something that people feel they would struggle to cope with. Then it might be less annoying.

thecatfromjapan · 28/01/2014 01:02

Is it just me, or does this thread make absolutely no sense whatsoever?

IceBeing · 28/01/2014 01:03

some people may be telling the truth. I spent significant periods of the last few years border line suicidal. I don't think it would take much at all to push me over the edge.

Sometimes it feels like I am waiting for the last straw...in a kind of comforting 'well if one more thing goes wrong then at least I can give up this shit for good'. Feels like I would welcome it.

TaraLott · 28/01/2014 01:06

I think the OP is saying that we all cope mostly when push comes to shove and that some peeps exaggerate a bit about it all.

Probs right in the main.

thecatfromjapan · 28/01/2014 01:09

Hmm. Care homes are full of the children of parents who coped.

OP's argument is this:

All pies are meat. Except for the ones that aren't. But I'm going to carry on discussing all the meat pies (which are actually all the pies in the world, according to me).

It's like hearing a goldfish discussing metaphysics.

thecatfromjapan · 28/01/2014 01:10

But I guess that has a kind of fascination.

And not something you come across in an ordinary day in RL.

thecatfromjapan · 28/01/2014 01:21

Society's willingness to abandon individuals, especially mothers, to "cope" is a complete, fucking disgrace.

Society's willingness to streeeeetch the meaning of "coping", to include women's existential backs being broken under the weight (usually/primarily) of "caring" duties, and to render conceptually invalid real suffering, absolutely disgusts and sickens me.

If I ever go postal, it's going to be after having read a thread on here by some women coping with poverty and needy children, on her own.

Sorry. I just can't be blithe about this.

"Coping" is a fucking disingenuous word, that permits people to wash their hands of responsibility, compassion and care for others.

I'm afraid I find the OP a bit shallow.

VestaCurry · 28/01/2014 01:43

People can say 'well meaning' things which others find irritating or annoying or insulting etc. Twas ever thus (I am getting old).

thecatfromjapan · 28/01/2014 01:45

I've come back to apologise. I was far too intemperate and mean. Sorry. I opened the thread because I've been thinking a lot about this just recently, and not thinking happy thoughts. It's just far too much for a thread started for a chat and it was absolutely the wrong place to get so worked up.
I particularly apologise for the goldfish thing. It's not true.

cory · 28/01/2014 09:00

speaking as the mother of a child who only survived by accident after she had felt she couldn't cope I feel less sure of this "but we all cope in the end"- lark

a few inches to the right, coming on the other medicine chart first and we wouldn't have had much use for this resilience myth

yes, dd has pulled through and I am tremendously proud of her

but it's such a slender, slender thread...

my friend is dead Sad

perhaps lots of people could have coped with what he didn't

but the point is- he didn't

though I expect the OP will be back shortly to say "Oh, when I think about it, suicide is a way of coping"

cory · 28/01/2014 09:06

when I was dealing with dd, my health was shot too pieces, I was having constant infected cysts leaking smelly pus out of my body (sorry for tmi), I had a prolapse from lifting so dh (who has a 6 hour daily commute and a full working day) had to do all the housework on top of that, my teeth rotted, I lost touch with all my friends, my house was a dump and I neglected my work so badly that it affected everybody around me and has ruined my career

of course we can call that coping- we can call anything coping

but that might just be the sort of thing other people refer to when they say they couldn't cope- "I couldn't fulfill my responsibilities, other people suffered because I was no longer able to do my bit"

I'd be interested in hearing what the OP would regard as not coping.

and incidentally, I have been grateful to the people who've said "I couldn't cope" because it has made me feel less bitter about my own failures

SirChenjin · 28/01/2014 09:16

I completely 'get' where you are coming from. I've had to 'cope' over the years with lots of things - fortunately I've had DH to lean on, but the rest of our family have been conspicuous by the absence.

There have been plenty of times when friends say that they don't know how I cope, and I want to cry - I don't want to cope, I am utterly, utterly exhausted with the relentlessness of it all. However, we have bills to pay, no family to help out (although they could, if they really, really wanted to...) and unless you're offering to babysit (which you aren't, dear friend), please stop with the "I couldn't cope", because it's not helping me at all.

Rant over Sad

DeWe · 28/01/2014 09:50

In your examples of "don't cope" I would translate that in my mind as "I'm so thankful for..." it's just an expression really.

And even with the worst happening, people do generally cope. Sometimes they cope much better than they think they are.
But even with people who for "everything in the garden is lovely" there are times when they feel that they're not coping-even if it's just briefly.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 28/01/2014 09:54

I don't know about coping, it's all about your own perception. I had a severe mental illness as did my friend. I am recovered and she is dead. We met in an adolescent psychiatric unit.

I was paralysed by depression, OCD and anorexia nervosa; I barely spoke to other human beings, only left my bedroom voluntarily to shower obsessively or look at pictures of food on the internet or exercise, screamed and shouted at anyone who dared to enter my little bubble of protection, self harmed frequently and made a very serious - almost successful - attempt on my own life. I guess, because I was still alive, and did not make further attempts on my own life, you could say I was coping with my life with mental illness. I didn't feel like I was coping any more than my best friend who hung herself didn't think she was coping.

I'm mentally much stronger and when life throws crap at me, I feel very much like I am coping but back then, I didn't feel I was but I must have been or else I would have completed the act of suicide.

I went through some horrific traumas as a child and it eventually caught up with me in the form of teenage mental illness. I spoke to others who had been through similar trauma and, for a long time, I beat myself up over the fact that they coped with it better than me. To be honest, none of that really matters because we all have our own limits and our own resilience. When people break down over seemingly 'small' things, you don't know if that was the straw that broke the camels back or what's really going on inside. Different people can manage different life events based on what their cognitive processes are. Many people have commented that I am dealing well with my adult acquired disability when others have struggles but through my mental illness, I learnt skills to manage my emotions in ways that other people may have not because they've never needed to.

DeWe · 28/01/2014 09:58

And (sorry pressed post by accident) if people generally aren't coping, they often aren't the ones who talk about it. They try to make it seem like they're coping to everyone's face, but on their own that's when things fall apart. When things happen afterwards everyone says "I didn't know..." "Why didn't they say..." but because they feel that people won't/can't/don't want to help they don't say anything.

And if they did say something, we'd all like to think we'd step forward and help. But in actual fact a lot of people pull back. They don't want to get emotionally/practically involved. It's too much work, too hard, not the right time, too busy... but they really would help if they could, you know how it is? But in actual fact they're afraid to offer too much.

It's a lonely time when you feel you're not coping, and people ask how you are-but all they want to hear is you saying "I'm fine" Sad

jeee · 28/01/2014 10:05

A few months after my sister's spinal cord was damaged she was talking to someone who announced "well, I could never be in a wheelchair." My sister mildly pointed out that actually it wasn't some kind of lifestyle choice, and that really, she hadn't chosen it. The woman just looked at her and repeated "I could NEVER use a wheelchair." My sister gave up at this point.

Topaz25 · 28/01/2014 10:06

I can see why you would find that phrase annoying but I don't think it is meant that way. People say they couldn't cope in a certain situation because they don't know how they would. Yes, if it happened to them they would have to cope but they can't imagine that. Maybe they even mean it as a compliment to people who do cope or an acknowledgement that it is difficult.

Maybe you could access support from an organisation such as home-start so you feel less alone.

SirChenjin · 28/01/2014 12:49

May they should think about how they are phrasing things? "I really admire you" sounds far more positive than "I don't know how I'd cope if I had to live in the size of house you do/look after 3 children and work f/t without family support/whatever it is" to avoid is sounding as if they are saying "God, your life is shit, thank Christ I don't have to cope with it"

JackNoneReacher · 28/01/2014 13:00

I don't think suicide is the only indicator of not coping.

Many people simply mean, I would be unwell, in pain, not doing my job to my full potential, not caring for the children as well as I should/getting all homework done properly, exhausted, unhappy.

I can look back and see times when I realise I really wasn't coping (although possibly didn't realise it fully then).

Like most things, 'coping' is not black and white.

SirChenjin · 28/01/2014 13:28

But they don't know that you aren't exhausted and everything else you mentioned (see my earlier thread). It's glib to say "I don't know how you cope" because that person may not be coping, and they may feel as if they are only hanging on by the fingertips - through necessity, and not choice.

This thread has really hit a raw nerve for me Blush

Kittymalinky · 28/01/2014 13:32

YABU

I have my DP my DM and my DF and just one DD. However, I suffer from depression and various ED issues. I genuinely couldn't cope without them, and no I probably wouldn't find a way u would most probably end up in hospital or worse.

Ev1lEdna · 28/01/2014 13:40

Well, plenty of people don't cope with life very well, this is why we, unfortunately have neglected children, people leaving families on a whim, mental health hospitals and facilities, drug addictions, alcoholism, homelessness - so it could be that they couldn't cope. Who are you to say if they could or couldn't - we are rarely privy to people's true feelings or coping strategies or indeed, their mental health.

I suspect that what they are saying albeit in as roundabout (and irritating to you) way is that they admire your strength and feel like they wouldn't be a strong or effective as you. Perhaps you should feel complimented rather than irritated. But you don't, it annoys you, alas you will have to grit your teeth and let it wash over you.

SirChenjin · 28/01/2014 14:37

Or that they are very glad they don't have your life....?