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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit disgruntled when people claim they couldn't cope?

104 replies

resilientmaterial · 27/01/2014 22:31

I probably am.

It's just like most people have had some rubbish thrown my way, but I unfortunately have NO support network whatsoever, so as a result everything comes down to me.

So I do feel a bit fed up when people say they couldn't cope with working long days plus DCs plus cooking plus work at home ... or say "I couldn't cope without my DP/mum/neighbour."

I know what they mean, but if they had to they would cope, mostly. We all would. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
resilientmaterial · 27/01/2014 23:23

I think, thinking about it, it bothers me because the very word 'cope' suggests end of the line, end of tether - "well we just about coped."

It's like my happiness, successes, and so on aren't noticed. I'm "coping"!

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 27/01/2014 23:25

I make no judgment about people with serious MH issues or coping with children with special needs. I have virtually no direct or indirect experience of either.

What does grind my gears are people who waft about like leaves in a breeze. The sort of bloke who thinks it's funny that he has to get his mum round to do his washing when his wife's in hospital/ on holiday. Or women who bleat on about not being able to manage their DC, or how 'exhausted' even though they don't work and DC are at school/nursery, how hard life is, and so on. How they have to have their mum to do everything for them, their dad or DH to fight their battles, etc. Or people who can't go to London on the train, or drive from Essex to Kent (I know at least 3 people who get confused and flustered by the Dartford crossing, and won't use it if on theor own in the car...)

Having lost both my parents and all my grandparents by 25, no siblings, gone through the entire pregnancy and birth of my eldest DC completely on my own as I haven't seen his dad since before I was pregnant, dependence annoys me. I've never had the luxury of relying on others, or of saying I 'can't' do stuff, and it astonishes me that many people in good (physical and mental) health aren't in any way self-reliant.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/01/2014 23:25

Cant really argue with you if you believe anything apart from dying is coping.

I wouldnt call giving my DD up coping.

BillyBanter · 27/01/2014 23:26

Just take it as a compliment.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/01/2014 23:27

It isn't a luxury to have to rely on others or not be able to do stuff.

Gladvent · 27/01/2014 23:27

Resilient that would irk me too. I am imagining the irksome people as rather snobby and probably with fake tinkly laugh? It's sort of like they are saying that their life is better than yours. I would be cross.

For the self proclaimed non copers on this thread, I absolutely don't include you in my imaginary scenario above.

VelvetSpoon · 27/01/2014 23:28

Sorry, typing on my phone, above sentence should read 'before I knew I was pregnant'...doesn't make much sense otherwise!

MorrisZapp · 27/01/2014 23:29

So literally, the only definition of not coping is being dead? And you feel aggrieved that others don't share this literal use of the word?

Original poster
resilientmaterial · 27/01/2014 23:29

Why Billy!? 'Oh your life is so shit I couldn't cope with it!' is NOT a compliment in my book!

Velvet yeah that's pretty much what I mean.

Fanjo the only point is, the world will not end. Being miserable, desperate and at the end of your tether - I've been there. I still coped, though. But tbh I don't think I am the one after an argument, I explained on the first page I accept I'm BU. it still pisses me off!

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/01/2014 23:30

Am not "after an argument". Am discussing the subject.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/01/2014 23:32

Some people reach the end of their tethers and dont cope and have breakdowns and end up in hospital. That is NOT coping.

Some thankfully like me get some support in place in form of respite to prevent that happening.

Not really a luxury or not being resilient.

Original poster
resilientmaterial · 27/01/2014 23:35

Look. When you cope, it means you somehow manage to muddle through.

"We just about coped when the washing machine broke down, although I had to wash knickers in the sink!" It suggests that someone manages, just, but the situation is not ideal.

Now to me, coping with life, and making a go of life, are different things. So "I have a MH condition that makes it difficult to cope" is fine. My point is, you still cope. Not easily, not happily and not without support, but you still ultimately manage.

That isn't in any way dismissing the seriousness of your condition(s). It is pointing out that people who glibly say that they couldn't cope with my, by contrast, hectic but happy life, is just not very nice to hear, and is, as some have testified to, insulting to those who genuinely cannot cope.

Imagine an able bodied but lazy person saying "I couldn't work in that office. I couldn't cope with the stairs." Wrong. A person in a wheelchair says it - quite correct. See what I mean?

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/01/2014 23:35

And I dont believe people are saying your life is shit if they think they couldnt cope with it.

We all have different energy levels and coping abilities. Seems yours are high. Which is great fir you.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/01/2014 23:37

They just mean they think you do well and they wouldn't manage things as well as you. Its a compliment.

Original poster
resilientmaterial · 27/01/2014 23:39

It isn't great for me, Fanjo - do you really not think I have days where I feel like downing a bottle of gin and not getting out of bed, ever?

You seem determined to think I came on this thread to wind up people who are poorly which I resent to be honest as I think it is clear I'm talking about stupid, glib statements about people not coping with unpleasant but ultimately perfectly manageable situations, not severe physical or mental health illness, and I don't much care for the way you keep repeating yourself desire dozens of clarifications from me.

I am not talking about YOU, this thread is not about YOU.

OP posts:
grumpyoldbat · 27/01/2014 23:39

YABabitU, sorry. Some people couldn't cope or wouldn't really cope well. Try and see it as a compliment that you can cope with things that others can't IYSWIM.

Original poster
resilientmaterial · 27/01/2014 23:40

Despite, not desire.

Do you really think being told you have a crap life that needs coping with is a compliment? 'Cause I don't!

OP posts:
GlitzAndGiggles · 27/01/2014 23:41

Lately I've felt like I can't cope with dd she's been acting up a lot lately but then I think fuck yeah I CAN cope and just soldier on. You have no choice as a parent. Even when I had a horrible migraine I couldn't expect my then 1yo to feed and wash herself for 6 days. We're all amazing!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/01/2014 23:41

I wasnt necessarildessarily talking about me either, as I said.

I am getting by.

I was, as I said, discussing the subject.

It is close to my heart.

Its a discussion forum.

No need to be defensive.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/01/2014 23:41

Necessildessarily is a fab word.

Original poster
resilientmaterial · 27/01/2014 23:43

Indeed it is Grin There you go, not only do you cope and I am sure you do it well, but you invented a fab word!

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/01/2014 23:44

I haven't even been on the gin Grin

MorrisZapp · 27/01/2014 23:44

God you are rude. You sound like incredibly hard work. Personally, I find much of your chat on this thread silly and glib. If you think I'm silly and glib for using a common expression to illustrate how I view my life in comparison to others then boo hoo.

I'll cope, as they say.

grumpyoldbat · 27/01/2014 23:55

There not necessarily saying your life is crap though. AFAIC all life has to be coped with and different people cope with different things differently.

For example I couldn't cope with a job that involved climbing to heights. That doesn't mean that jobs involving this are crap, it just means that I, as an individual can't cope with heights.

missingmumxox · 28/01/2014 00:19

Ahhhhhhh! I was going to say yes you are being U, but reading through, I get where you are coming from as I am in the same boat, no support, Both parents dead, I do have a DH but he works away, 2 children, work full time, in laws 400 miles away, relient on breakfast and after school clubs, (which are fab) and 4 months before I became pregnant with my Dts, my dad who I had been sole carer for 6 years died so I get it...
but I still think you are BU, as no one in the past 16 years of my life since my Mum died and I took over caring for my Dad, has ever said that to me, because I give them no need to, I don't huff and puff about it, I don't see I am different to a million other men and women out there, some people have a worse time, some have a better time, but I like you do like my life, wish I could share it with others as in the joy of it, my Dts are amazing and that is when I get sad that they don't have other adults who want to share their amazingness, in the way only a granparent could.
I would actually like for once people to see how well I COPE! and say so to me.