To want to offer up to all the fat shamers...

[WichitaLineman]

... On mumsnet who peddle the old "fat people are lazy and lack will -power" or proffer their simplistic formula of "eat less, move more" an incredibly succinct description of food addiction by Marcus Brigstocke. I will admit that that sentence isn't quite so succinct

"Eating is different [from drug addiction]; it's dirty, it's horrible - you do it on your own and you wear it. [With] alcohol and drugs, you have moments of sobriety, [but] you don't stop being fat. You wear it; everyone can see it - it is a brand… an overcoat of shame for everyone to see.

"You despise yourself, you make promises to yourself, you say 'I had a bad day, that was bad but that means this is baseline and I can start', then you go and break those promises and do it again, and worse.

"Eating disorders are more pervasive and subtle [than alcohol and drugs] and availability and acceptability are much higher... the ”high“ comes from the totally full-up feeling ”It is an anaesthetic. You lie like a python digesting what you have, it slows your brain down and you are physically inert. Numb and dull, that is the feeling you get."

Whilst I am not saying that every obese person is a compulsive overeater, I wold wager that most are, including myself. This has resonated with me and is the best description I have read of the self-loathing involved in compulsive overeating. It is a faulty mechanism to deal with emotional pain and the fat shamers can't cause any more shame than we already feel for ourselves.

Whilst there are many people on mn who are understanding, I am always appalled by those who aren't. Please think on this when those threads come up. Thank you.

Originally I thought an ED topic was an excellent idea...but since the thread took a sharp downturn, I've changed my mind.

As much as Mumsnet is a fantastic site for advice and shared experiences, it might not be the place for emotionally vulnerable people to pour their hearts out in public...especially if some of the harsher/nasty replies might lead them to binge eat more.

It's too easy to name change, be nasty, name change back and be all sweetness and light.

I would suggest starting a closed group on Facebook where the group owner and whoever she chooses to be admins, can remove any nonsense the minute it starts.

With this site being so big thanks to penis beaker and the like, I'm not sure MNHQ could moderate an ED topic as closely as it probably should be moderated.

It's a shame though

Dunno worraliberty. I did put this in AIBU, so I guess I should've been a bit more robust. I get your point though. Just hopeful that if we set out our stall as has been suggested it may be ok?

You seem to take huge offence to anyone offering advice Whitchita, I find this so strange. Any other addict would accept different opinions and advice. I feel you dont want to do anything about your eating habits, you just want to be accepted for how you are and not have the stigma attached to being overweight.

I'd rather it was public than private simply as private groups can go offboard very easily unless moderated.

For me the possibility of talking about recovery with others which isn't something I get to do all the time in RL would outweigh idiots that don't "get" eating disorders. Presumably the other mental health boards work?

Just hopeful that if we set out our stall as has been suggested it may be ok?

But you'd have to rely on insanely busy moderators who admit there is very little in the way of overnight moderation.

I'm just not sure such emotionally vulnerable people would be that easy for HQ to protect from trolls, especially on a site where name changing is allowed.

I know I sound like a wet blanket and they'r all adults etc, but I'm just not sure it's the best idea any more.

For the last time. I have psychotherapy and attend over eaters anonymous. I have had residential treatment, joined slimming clubs, dieted, exercised - in fact the only thing I haven't done is had a gastric band.

I am managing things in my own way and have been feeling a lot better recently. Whether you are fat or thin, if you have an eating disorder the most you can hope for is to "be in recovery" not to be cured. I am not talking about being fat. I a m talking about my feelings. I have taken great comfort from many of these points and have looked into mindfullness as something to bring to my councellor. I have also thanked people endlessly for their support and advice, but I am entitled to take issue with people I believe are talking bollocks.

Yes worra, maybe you are right and I need to consider some of these recent posts as trolling. Good point.

I haven't read all this thread, but enough to want to thank the OP for starting it. Fat shaming should have no place in a civilised society. I'm very struck by the number of times I open my copy of Metro on the bus and see stories about the 'obesity epidemic' on the one hand and high rates of starvation illnesses such as anorexia on the other. These things are very closely related, and show that as a society we have a long way to go in achieving a healthy relationship with food and weight. Every instance of fat shaming, and of over-simplifying the issues around obesity, takes us further away from finding a long-lasting solution to the question of why so many of us have toxic relationships with food.

My own experience of being obese for most of my adult life is that the more 'fat shaming' that I experienced (most of it indirect, e.g. through the media, and conversations that hurriedly ended when the fat lady - me - appeared), the more I hated myself and the less I was able to do anything about it. I've finally reached a point in my life where I care less what people think of me, and that's enabled me to do the massively hard work of trying to retrain my addicted body and mind into new habits. I'm now just about in a healthy weight range and working very hard to stay there. It will never be less than a daily struggle, I know this. Had I received a little more help and understanding earlier in my life, who knows, I might have been able to do something about it at a younger age, and habits would not have been quite so set as they are now. What I do know is that fat shaming did not help me at all. I know that everyone's experience is unique. And I wouldn't describe myself as exactly having mental health issues requiring lots of specialist intervention - but I'm certainly on a continuum of having a disordered relationship with food which, whilst not as serious as some of those described on this thread, would have been much easier to deal with had I experienced a little less judgement and a lot more understanding.

So thank you, OP and others who have contributed your stories. I think you have said important things. But do be careful - as Worra says, MN can be a brutal place, and you need to take care of yourselves first. Please, please, think very carefully before putting yourself at risk for the sake of strangers on an internet forum. Your health and well-being matter.

You seem to take huge offence to anyone offering advice Whitchita, I find this so strange.

Sorry, this was posted while I was writing mine, or I would have replied to it. I don't find it strange at all. Where has the OP asked for advice? I don't recall her doing so. She has been giving information and asking people to think. That's pretty much what I was trying to say, too. Don't judge, don't give advice where it's not asked for. Just listen and try to understand.

I kind of did. And mostly I am glad that I did. But yes, wasn't looking for advice, or the few people who are telling me I am wrong to feel the way I do . It was an awareness raising exercise and I think to some extent that it has achieved that aim for all but the most stubborn.

I think I was entitled to bring an issue to AIBU that I felt needed awareness raised without it turning toxic. And in the most part I don't think it has been toxic and the dozens of private messages I have received seem to suggest that it has helped people who may not have seen this on the other boards.

Mnhq have also stated that they think it has been a very valuable discussion and will not pull the thread. They are going to review those posts that have been reported though and hopefully some of the nastier ones will be deleted.

I think the only person who has been rude is the op, to me! Can't quite understand why as on most threads an exchange of views is welcome. I'm not smug but being more or less in control of the weight issue after a hell of a struggle is something I'm quite proud of.

I have not been rude to you. Your comments are discriminatory and need to be highlighted as such. If you voiced those opinions in a job I have no doubt you would receive a warning for bullying.

So that people would read it. Simple. And as I say, the amount of support, identification and goodwill has made it worthwhile.

What's to agree with ? I was stating a fact that is true for many people! The only thing I think is uncalled for is people offering simplistic advice that nobody has asked for and telling people that they should do better.

Oh and the posts who have said that it has educated them on an issue that they knew nothing about. Plenty of those on here and by pm.

Whilst I certainly would not condone it obesity is not one of those areas where discrimination is illegal. I employ over 30 people and we strictly adhere to an equality and diversity policy. The only people I won't employ are smokers.

Oops. I wouldn't have posted either if this had been on "health" I'd have left the core topic for discussion by the interest group involved. AIBU is a place where everyone can usually be welcome to join in.

People who feel compelled to remark on my lack of weight are just as bad imho. I might just have 'eating disorder' tattooed on my forehead, to avoid comments like ooh you are lucky. Yes I feel very lucky having to struggle to eat a meal.