Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

So it's been easy so far wrt decision making.You defer to him because you don't feel strongly

Well, do you think strongly about this issue or not. I think you do, hence posting here (when I assume you didn't need to share other stuff on here), so why wouldn't you say "this time I get to make the rules"

Atm, you seem shy of putting your foot down and actually seem to be relying on visiting time to keep unwanted visitors away instead of making it clear it is up to you and you will make say when it happens

Okay - I'll bite.

There's the magic of being a grandparent from day one, and then there's the magic of discovering you're a new parent from day one. Your IL's have had that - don't let your husband run roughshod over your wishes if they are important to you because you'll resent it. At no point have you seemed to show that yu will exclude your IL's from your child's life.

And on the other hand, if you tell his parents, you have to tell yours. And then the floodgates open or yo'll end up favouring one set of parents over the other.

you will when when it happens < wishes for short-time edit button >

say fuck

CSI - no chance of excluding them from our child's life, they live on the same street They are going to be the most amazing Grandparents, I have no issues with that at all, but I just want that family time, me, DH and baby - and not have to worry about factoring in other people's feelings in those first few days. I want to be in our own little happy bubble

Thankfully my parents would 100% understand why I kept it a secret, they aren't the sulky types. I'm pretty sure that when they hear the news they'll be too happy to care that I hadn't told them beforehand that it was happening

Oh now I've seen he's got his own way in everything else, I agree with AnyFucker and I've changed my mind.

You feel strongly about this, so stick to your guns!!

Learn and repeat AF's phrase "this time I get to make the rules".

(And as a fellow, easy going type of person, I'll file it away for future use)

YANBU. Maybe bad form but I have read some of your other threads and your DH sounds quite selfish. If he can't even put you first at the one time you matter most in the world then it really doesn't say alot for him. You need to put your foot down.

anyfucker - you're right, I do feel strongly about this. I don't want to keep his parents away at all, if they want to sit in the canteen all day then let them, but I need to get my husband on board that they can only visit when I feel up to it. I don't think he understands how difficult things might be after the CS or grasps that I might just not be up to seeing people - or maybe that I just won't want to see people. This is where the problem lies I think.

Just from the other side of this, as I said above we told my parents when my induction was for the DTs as they were having DS1. I went in at 9am on the Friday morning, called my parents at 10pm that night to say we were moving to delivery to break my waters. Things then got hairy in the morning and we didn't have time/thought to call them. DTs arrived around 11am and with the dramas we couldn't call until about 1.30pm. my mum was frantic with worry as to why it had taken so long and of course when she called the midwives wouldn't tell her anything. she was very very stressed by it all by the time we could call to tell her. (DTs were both fine btw).

time goes very slowly when you're waiting for the phone to ring and what if there is some reason you have to delay calling? or worse DH decides to leave you as he has to all them to update?

I would strongly advise not telling them. its not like its dual standards, you don't want to tell your DPs either!

My ELCS date changed twice in the run-up to the birth. Once put back by 3 days as they realised they were going to be chocka on a Friday and wouldn't cope with emergencies, and then brought forward by a week due to going into PTL three times (they wanted to avoid natural labour, DC1 had got well and truly stuck and I'd had an EMCS with various complications for the baby). I wouldn't be giving anyone any dates whatsoever until a fortnight or so before, just give them "likely to be week of...”. Everyone I know who's had an ELCS got the date changed.

Even when DC2 was born, I was first on the list but three EMCS took priority, obviously, so the birth was mid-afternoon instead of 7.30am. The woman scheduled third came back to postnatal at around 6.30pm, the woman scheduled 4th was bumped to next morning (she turned up on postnatal at lunchtime, having been in the antenatal with us since 6.30am the previous day).

I'd also second what everyone else says about it being a major operation. DH went totally against my instructions with DC1’s birth; EMCS was performed at 9.30pm and I was taken to the ward at around 1am. Obviously DH wasn't allowed to stay so I was on my own with a newborn I had to change myself whilst paralysed from the waist down. At one point in the night I fell out of the bed whilst trying to pick DC up. Because it is a major operation, they had to come and do obs every 2-3 hours, usually just when I'd fallen asleep. You can imagine how delighted I was to see PIL the second visiting hours began at 9am (not DH because the hospital has a rule of only 2 visitors at a time - DH had ignored my instructions not to tell his DPs which hospital/ward and was then very surprised that they turned up, especially because they got there first and he wasn't allowed in).

I was struggling to BF, partly due to the pain of trying to sit up, and having spectators didn't make it easier. I would have much preferred it if they could have waited at least until the catheter was out, I was able to stand, have a shower and get changed out of the bloodstained theatre gown. There was only one chair, so FIL sat on my bed, on the catheter line, wrenching the catheter partway out. Absolute fucking agony.

I never wanted to see them again, and I usually get on so well with my PIL! But timing is everything. You do know that as the patient you can block visitors? So you can simply say "nobody other than DH for the first x hours" and there's nothing any of them can do about it. Good luck!

Can you speak to your midwife about it and have her impress on him what will be happening with the surgery and how you are likely to be after, establishing breastfeeding etc?

I haven't read any other threads. Just getting a feel about this one.

We told people the date of The ELCS for both ours, though in the case of ds1, the hospital moved it forward by a day at the last minute and in the case of ds2 I only decided to change plans from a VBAC to ELCS less than a week before my due date.

In both cases we told family that the hospital would not allow visitors after C-section for more than 24 hours. Tbh the little fib was well worth it. Immediately after surgery you will be in bed with drips, a catheter and presumably trying to get to grips with breast feeding. If they have given you morphine (I had with ds1) you may be feeling distinctly groggy.

So, I'd advise start managing their expectations now about how much you will be up for visitors immediately after the birth - no hanging around the hospital from the morning of the CS, but if it is important to your dh, let him tell his folks on the morning of the operation.

I totally understand that. I even turned my own mum away when she turned up at the hospital and asked could she come in the delivery room.

OP, it's best you sort this and sort it clearly now.

Nobody at the hospital but you and DH. No visitors at all until the next day (or whatever suits you). Them'z the rules for everyone and if they have a probelm they can go swing, including your husband

Don't rely on visiting restrictions to do it for you and don't let your H ride rough shod over your feelings.

You are the one going through major surgery. This is your call. Nobody suffers for waiting 24 hours.

Bloody hell wingding - sounds like something out of a horror film. No wonder you were so pissed off!

hedwiggy - that's a good idea about getting my Midwife to speak to him. The problem is that he's at work when my appointments are. Maybe I could start a thread on the childbirth section asking people how quickly they felt up for visitors after their ELCS and show my DH the responses.

Only skimmed thread, but I'm with you OP. We did this second time around after my first birth experience - traumatic and agonising ending in EMCS - was punctuated by unhelpful, negative calls and texts from my mum. (At least she wasn't actually there, but what she did was bad enough.)

We had an ELCS booked for DC2 and told everyone it was 2 days later than it really was. In the event, I went into labour unexpectedly early so ended up having the baby a week early anyway, but either way I got what I wanted – privacy and not being harassed on the day.

Your DH's parents should respect your wishes as you are the one going through this experience, along with the baby whose needs are also paramount. Anyone else who thinks it is all about them deserves to be left out of the loop IMO.

WW does your husband not listen when you speak ?

You are looking for every solution but the obvious one. Trying to find ways to work indirectly around a problem while ignoring the elephant in the room ?

Yes I have to echo what wingding said too - you don't want visitors right after a CS, except your partner and maybe most intimate friends who you don't mind seeing you paralysed, bloated and covered in blood with a bag of urine dangling at the side of your bed, while you try to BF and weep with exhaustion. OK it might not be that bad, but it can be, and a couple of days to get cleaned up, catheter out and get used to the baby makes a huge difference.

Agree AnyF
Writer....Your DP should be listening to you regarding this.
I have read many of your threads previously.... and there often appears to be a bit of a theme with your Dp not really listening/hearing what you have to say.
The situations you seem to worry about wouldnt occur if the two of you can just sit down and discuss your reasons.

My parents & ILs knew the date of my planned section in advance & we just told them they were not to visit until the following day "because the hospital prefers women who've had CS to be left to recover for 24 hours"

My mother found this difficult (first grandchild) but she didn't come early - 2 hour drive for my Ps anyway

If you live nearby & get on, there's no way they won't have a good relationship with their GC.

Even if they dön't see her for a few days or until you get home or whatever.

My PFB was prem, my husband phone both sets of parents & bugger me mine turned up when I'd wanted them to come the next day.

I had had an easy birth, no stitches & it still pissed me off!

Looking back I can see why they did as we didn't know if PFB would live, but at the time I thought fucking hell, am I never going to be listened to!

I don't think he understands how difficult things might be after the CS or grasps that I might just not be up to seeing people - or maybe that I just won't want to see people. This is where the problem lies I think.

Maybe he does understand, but thinks that you aren't considering the fact that you might be fine and happy, which is also a strong possibility. You seem to be going for the worst case scenario instead of the most positive.

It will be much easier for your DH to tell his parents after the birth that they need to wait than it will be to tell them now.

If he tells them now that they aren't welcome, it's understandable that they might feel hurt because it's basically saying that you don't want to see them no matter what. Whereas if you (or DH) says that you want to wait and see how things go, and then tell them to wait if you're not up to it, then they won't have any reason to feel that they are being deliberately pushed away.

Remember that for your happy little bubble to become a reality, you need DH to be happy too. If he's worrying about upsetting his parents over his biggest life event ever, then he's not going to be as happy.

I don't think he understands how difficult things might be after the CS or grasps that I might just not be up to seeing people - or maybe that I just won't want to see people. This is where the problem lies I think.

Maybe he does understand, and he just doesn't care.

Woowoo I'm with you! I find it a bit strange to impose a visitor ban before you've even had the baby...