Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

I think yanbu. I had an elective lscs for my second and missed the excitement of telling everyone she was here, as everyone knew the planned date and what sex! Mind you it was easier to sort out childcare for dd1 :)

If you are wondering if anyone will be upset about the fake date you could tell a tiny white lie, that your membranes ruptured so the lscs was bought forward- it was all a rush with no time to tell anyone ?

YANBU.

We didn't tell anybody when I went into labour. The first they knew was when we rang and told them afterwards. I didn't want the added pressure of people texting for updates while I was in labour (his brother gave blow by blow updates of his wife's induction a few months previously so they'd have been constantly badgering for news).

I then had visitors the day after as my EMCS was too late to see people that day. I probably wouldn't have been up to it either as I was exhausted.

This time my inlaws will have to have DD for the day, but they will be sworn to secrecy. I probably still won't be able to have visitors that day though as it's likely I'll still be in recovery in the short time frame they're allowed.

It's your DH's baby too- please remember that- yes your the one who's got to have the CS, which is why your wishes should take priority BUT don't ignore what your DH wants.

get your midwife to explain in graphic detail what is involved with having a caesarian, and the pain and recovery etc. and about lochia and leaking breasts. and the hormones.

and ask him if he'd want his inlaws around him if they'd had to cut through several major organs of his not long before.

Op....although I personally think the 'fake date' think is rather dramatic. Regarding your il's possibly rocking up for the duration at the hospital YANBU at all. I couldn't think of anything worse than having anyone other than dp hanging around at the hospital. Spell out to him that this is not the done thing really. If you want visitors the next day then that depends on you.

What MrsMinevers said!
Fake date a bad idea - they are still going to be ringing up for progress checks, "only three days to go etc" and you will be lying to them. Also I think the fake date IS a bit 'making a drama' of it, and when you explain why you did i,t a bit embarrasing. Just be vague!
Just say the date hasn't been confirmed, it hasn't really, although bed is booked lots can change!
People are interested in people they love having babies - you will get lots of comments however secretive or open you are about it. It's up to you if you find it annoying!
YAtotallyNBU with regard to the hanging round in hospital thing. How about 'I won't be able to have any visitors for 24 hours after coming round'. Say it plainly and simply - I won't be able to / can't rather than 'don't want to / not sure'. Don't get drawn into discussions, it's just a fact. I had no visitors at all for 2 weeks after DD1, I don't regret it!
Does your DH actually know that they want to come along or is he just assuming? Perhaps email or phone your MIL yourself?

excusetypos - I definitely don't want to upset DH so if telling his parents is what he really wants to do then I won't stop him, but, he needs to make it clear to them that if I'm not up for visitors then they need to accept that - and he has to support me in that too.

He's had his way with everything else throughout this pregnancy (he wanted to know the sex so we did, he chose the nursery theme, he has chosen the name) so what's one more thing? Haha

I think there is something really special about close family members meeting their new relative as a newborn.

With my first, my mum & dad plus MIL & SIL all ended up camped out in the waiting room. They were there for a very long time as labour didn't progress & I ended up with a c-section. It was at least 2am by the time they came through to meet the new baby (I was in recovery but said they could come through). They certainly didn't hang around for long. They took some photos though & had a quick hold of DS, all alert from birth & still wrapped in a towel.

I felt a bit sad that my parents didn't see my other DC so soon (they were babysitting for us so came a few hours later with the others). It was still quite soon I suppose, but not in that magical first part.

Anyway, obviously it's about how comfortable you feel with visitors, how close you are to your in-laws etc. It's just that I can see your DH's point as well, it sounds like he just wants to involve his parents in such an exciting event. Wait & see how you feel later that day - you might have a surprising urge to show off your new baby & be ready for visitors sooner than you thought. Then again, you might not!

Actually, if he's insisted on choosing names, nursery and finding up gender, you'd be within reason to insist on this one thing for yourself.

I think the "fake date" was a bit of a mistake, in effect it is a lie, which I think very close relations would find hurtful. When I had my sons we contacted parents and in laws to let them know I was going to hospital ( 1st time) and we were calling the midwife out ( second time) and then asked them to wait for more news. I would not have wanted anyone other than DH to visit hospital or home in the first 3 days or so. I think you should tell them when you go into hospital but ask them not to visit until you feel up to it. Far too much pressure to have relations hanging about at the hospital ( a bit like those old fashioned royal births where the Prime Minister had to be present!) Good luck with the birth, hopefully it will all go so well you'll be discharged and home before the delegation turns up.

I don't wish to offend you, OP, but your husband seems to get his own way a lot.

ladymont - I don't think his parents would want to hang around all day, but he is adamant they would?! Why is why I'm going to be there when the discussion is had with them so I know he gives them the true picture I.e they won't actually be allowed to see us or baby until 6pm visiting anyway.

We found out the ELCS date at the 12w scan. We just told people the date although initially I wasn't sure about doing so.

I was absolutely desperate to get back to the ward so my parents could bring DS up to meet his baby sister. But I had no desire to see anyone else other than DH.

anyfucker - it's probably because I haven't been too fussed either way about the decisions regarding sex/nursery/name so have been quite relaxed about his thoughts - I figure if it's something he really wants and I'm not against it then what's the harm?

My SIL had an ELCS for her second. She said she wanted to tell everyone when the baby was here, like the first time. We were all cool with it, and I think it's entirely reasonable. We knew the week she'd deliver, but not exactly when. It was nice to receive the phone call: "He's here!"

Like any other baby, we went to the hospital when the delivering mother invited us to. The next day, from memory.

Blimey OP!

Have you had anything to do with this baby so far?

That said, if you are OK with what he has chosen, then that's OK.

If everyone was reasonable, you could just tell them that it's currently booked for X date & you will let them know how everyone is after the op & when they can visit.

If you get on with your ILs, perhaps you could tell them that you won't be wanting visitors on the day & re sure they understand that?

Maybe it's your husband who ibu-they might not want to be involved in the way that he thinks.

He seems to be over compensating for fear of them being left out.

If you all get on well, there's no reason to think that they will be pushed aside for your parents.

Sorry, put after the op.

Meant of course to put after the birth.

You are playing silly games. Just have your baby and stop trying to stage manage the whole thing.

diddl - it's interesting you say that about overcompensation and it may be a very valid point. There are 3 other grandchildren (from my DH's brother) but my IL don't really see them as they live abroad. The children are 5, 3 and 11 months and the IL probably see them once or twice a year. Also, my SIL is a very strange character, isn't nice to my IL and will not let them be 'grandparents'. I know how much this upsets my IL, especially MIL. Maybe my husband is going OTT because he wants his parents to experience the 'magic' of grandchildren starting from Day 1.

The problem with expecting people to respect your wishes and stay at home is that often, when dealing with a seasoned hysteric, they will ignore your wishes and do what they want anyway.

OP had to invent a fake date to stop them badgering her after she said she didn't want to tell them the date. They clearly believe that their wants and needs are more important than hers, and that is not going to change. They don't care if they cause stress to a pregnant woman, as long as their needs are met.

I can totally understand why she told them a fake date. It is an easier solution with less fallout than "would you ever get the fuck out of my face?"

I agree with Anyfucker, your husband does get a lot of his own way. To add to what I said above about the hospital's duty of care; remember that you are the patient OP, not them, and not your husband. Within reason it will be your wishes which take precedent as long as you make those wishes clear.

I had a haemorrhage AND the epidural shakes AND threw up continuously for hours after my ELCS, no one could have seen me or the baby for hours even if they wanted to. Through all that I had the baby latched on feeding too (hungry girl). My advice is to get the midwives & nurses on your side, they won't let anyone near you if you don't want them to. Once it had all settled down I actually didn't mind people coming in, I was so proud and frankly glad to be alive that I just wanted to show DD off. It was quite a few hours though.

littlegrey - it was getting to the stage where I could feel myself boiling over inside. I had reached my breaking point. It was either a fake date or, like you said, swearing at them. My mom would never forgive me if I used the word fuck in her presence, lol - I couldn't risk that happening

And bear in mind that it's quite likely that you won't want visitors at 6pm either. It might be an idea to plant that seed in your dh's their heads at this point too.

Ya SO nbu! I've had 2 natural births and initially agreed to call dm and mil when I went into labour but when it happened I couldn't bear the thought of anyone thinking about me so we called after the baby arrived. There was never any mention of the fact that we hadn't called beforehand, they were all just so happy about the new baby. They will have plenty of time to coo over the little one when you're ready for visitors and if it looks like they will be annoyed about the fake date you can just tell them there was a last minute cancellation.

zgaze - I completely agree, I will be so excited to show off the baby but I just need to know my husband will support me if I say I don't feel up to it. I don't want the pressure of "Well my parents have been sat in the canteen for X hours.....I can't just turn them away....." etc etc