Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

Woowoo - I always prepare for the worst I'm having my ELCS due to two health conditions I have and there is quite a good chance I could deteriorate within the first 24 hours after the birth and although I'm prepared for this it is just another reason why I don't want people just turning up.

I think I'm going to tell my husband that we can tell his parents the real date but let them know it's pointless them sitting at the hospital all day and that we will call them once the baby is born. Also we will make it clear that I might not feel up for visitors on the first night but they will obviously be welcome if both I and baby are ok. My PIL are very reasonable and I don't think they will mind this at all but my husband doesn't share the same view point.

I don't find blanket bans odd at all when it comes to birth - when my cousin had her baby she always said that whilst she was in hospital she didn't want any visitors as she wanted it to be a time for just her, her DH and their baby. They knew that once they got home they'd be inundated with visitors and so they just wanted those few days together as a family unit.

Nobody found it odd - well, not that they said anyway. Why shouldn't they have that time?

That seems like a nice thing to do. Maybe you should speak to PIL instead of DH

I worried my husband will be disappointed when he realises that actually his parents don't want to sit in a hospital canteen for 12 hours

Ok, to put another positive spin on it then, it's nice that your DH is considerate of his parents feelings.

It means that he appreciates them, and that in turn will help him be a good parent.

If he is considerate towards his own parents then he is more likely to be considerate of you as the mother of his children, and it shows that family is important to him. That's what you want from a guy you're about to have a baby with!

I personally find it strange purely because I very very close to my family. My mum was a birthing partner. My Dad and Bro came to the hospital at 11pm to see us for 5 mins in the corridor. People find that odd but to me that's just my family I think my use of odd or strange probably weren't the best. I couldn't wait for PIL to come in the following day either... Maybe I'm odd...

I think that there are 2 separate issues here and you need to approach them separately.

The first is the 'fake date'. I do think that is a bit odd and that YABU. What you are doing is lying about something very significant. Not a great start to family relations. It would be better to say you don't want to tell them than to lie.

But the second issue is the fact that DHs parents seem to want to camp out at the hospital when you go in. YANBU at all not to want that. It's too much pressure on you. On the day DS was born by ELCS I saw only my DH and my 2 DDs.

The best outcome if you can achieve it is to be truthful about the date but be very clear that you do not wish anyone to come to the hospital until the next day (or whenever you prefer).

Wishing you well.

OP , feeling sorry that you are going through this added stress.So difficult if you do not have a choice,or it is threatened.What is wrong with people..so intrusive.

Still can not believe the ghastly babies being born on TV programs.Totally removes the mystery and intimacy from the process.Don't start me on the circuses of randoms all watching and videoing!

If you weren't having a elcs would you have informed grandparents that you were going into the hospital when in labour? I think most people phone grandparents when the birth is going to be imminent but I may be wrong. Knowing you are in hospital doesn't meant they will descend en mass - most have more respect for your wishes.

What you could do is make plans for the fake date about when they would visit in the evening to reassure yourself they won't be hanging around the hospital all day.

We told people the date but had childcare to organise. My parents made loads of plans around the date and even went away the week before my date as they took it as read that the baby wouldn't come any other day, they were rather taken aback when I pointed out I could still go into labour before that date!

I can promise you that even though they knew the date they were just as excited as at the birth of DS.

I'm lucky as he is very considerate of his parents, they do a lot of lovely things for us and he does care about them a lot. The reason he doesn't speak to his brother is because he doesn't like the way his brother and his wife treat his parents. I know everything he is saying is born from concern over his parents feelings - but I think the way he is assuming they will feel and what he is assuming they will want to do isn't the reality. We all just need to sit down together really. I think my DH will be surprised at how understanding and relaxed his parents will actually be about the whole thing.

Hi, am having my CS on wed, just wanted to say that I've been told no visitors first day except DH and DC. My mum was with us for my first ELCS, then just DH for my second ELCS and it was lovely to have the peace and quiet. I'm really close to my mum, but I so enjoyed the calmer atmosphere!

OP, that's a good plan - tell them the date, but that you will probably not be up to visitors and will let them know if that changes.
There have been many threads here where mums feel resentful for years and years, because their first hours or days with their new baby were ruined by pushy relatives, visiting before the new mum was ready for them. And yes, it will absolutely be harder to turn them away if they have been sitting in the cafeteria for the whole day.

X post with you OP.

Hope it all goes well.

ladymacbeth - we initially told them we wanted to keep the date a secret but if anything it made things worse. I posted a few pages back about it, but the constant questions and hassle, despite them knowing our wishes, was just too much. Since we gave a fake date all the questions and annoyance has stopped. And I don't think my IL would want to camp out at all, they certainly haven't said they want to - it's my DH who seems to think they would and wants to allow them to have this opportunity

lucked - even if I was having a natural labour I doubt very much I'd want people to know when it started. When my sister had her 2nd baby the first I knew was when I got a text message from her partner whilst I was at work.....the excitement and euphoria was amazing!! It did of course mean I couldn't focus all afternoon When she'd had her first baby I'd gone to see her whilst she was in labour and then spent the next 14 hours worrying about her and fretting as to why I hadn't heard anything. I preferred it 2nd time round when I didn't know

All this "be thankful he is considerate of his parents" is a bit odd when you think the person deserving of the most consideration here is the woman having major surgery ie. this man's wife.

If a bloke places his parents feelings at a higher priority than his wife's that is a recipe for disaster

Also, I firmly believe that setting your stall out clearly in advance of the heightened emotions of babies being born is much more sensible than leaving it to the last minute. You can always relax any sanctions if all goes better than you thought it might at the time. Expecting to have to to impose your will when you are post delivery and potentially not feeling your best is a silly idea.

So your options are:

1. Tell parents on morning of, they may hang out in the canteen all day, or bug the staff a bit. You might have to say hello at some stage when you're not in the mood.

2. Tell them wrong due date, don't tell them about birth until after. DH feels guilty, they feel lied to and hurt.

Of course you've every right to ask for just DH during the birth and to limit visits to allow recovery etc, but perhaps you should weigh everyone's reactions versus the the likely impact of partial compromise before committing to a course of action which seems likely to alienate.

OP I just want to pop in and say YANBU. You sound really nice and you're prepared to have them be a part of the baby's life. But I completely understand your concern and think your DH should back you up. You can always change your mind immediately after the birth and call them to come over but someone saying that they'd be waiting in the hospital for me to finish giving birth would make me feel massively under pressure. Stick to your guns and emphasise all the nice things you've said on here about how you want them involved, just not on that day. Maybe you should talk to PIL WITH your DH rather than letting him deal with it alone? You said they're nice, I'm sure they'll see your point?

Ah bollocks what do I know. Maybe they'll love it.

I've never had visitors in hospital except for DH, but wasn't in for long with either .... dd I was in overnight and DH stayed till the evening and then went home and back to see us and then take us home next morning.
With ds I stayed in for the afternoon and then we went home to see big sis dd and granny (who'd come up earlier to look after dd) We tended to tell people after the event apart from needing someone to look after dd the second time. Visitors the next day or next few days are much nicer I think - something to almost look forward to

AF, of course the person actually carrying the baby is worthy of the most consideration.

No one is suggesting otherwise.

That doesn't mean that she is the only person worthy of consideration though.

It's her day first and foremost, but it is also a day that a whole family gets a new member, as well as being the first day of a whole new persons life. Presumably OP won't be the only person ever to love and care for this new new family member, therefore she is not the only person that is going to have significant feelings around the birth.

OP UANBU. I can't think of anything worse than having people in the canteen waiting for you to finish!
Our DS was born at 5 mins past midnight and we did not ring people til 8am the next morning. What is the point if getting people worries when there is no need?
Our parents were fine about us ringing then and they popped in at 2pm to see us all.

Hmm. Actually, I don't see why you wouldn't just say 'CS is on X date, but please don't come to the hospital until I/DH rings you and says it's ok'. Simples!

I wanted/expected my parents/sister/PIL to arrive as soon as visiting hours started. It never occurred to me to exclude them. New baby = family event.

In my case, I had a fairly graphic illustration of the fact that there are worse things than a few people turning up when I wasn't perhaps looking my absolute best. DD1 died during early labour. I wanted my mum. DH called her. When she arrived so did DSis, DStepdad and DSis's boyfriend. They left quickly - I wasn't happy that the boyfriend came in, but tbh I was really past caring. Mum stayed. Later on that night (before I gave birth) PIL arrived, having driven the 3 hours from theirs. They came in for a bit too. I was naked under a sheet with catheter in and epidural. Again, past caring. Dad arrived in the morning just minutes after DD was born, and came in maybe half an hour later after I'd been cleaned up a bit.

With DD2, I had an ELCS booked from about 28 weeks. Everyone knew the date. PIL had booked themselves on a 6 week trip to New Zealand approximately a week before we found out I was pg. They didn't change the date, but did make comments about how we had known when they were going - yes, because we should really have stopped the ttc in case the baby coincided with their holiday plans. So, out of guilt that they wouldn't be there, shortly before the ELCS they decided that BIL should be there instead. They paid to fly him from London to Edinburgh, where he spent the day sitting in the nearby shopping centre waiting to be allowed in. I thought this was weird, but I had no issue with him coming in during visiting hours - knew DH would be v happy to see him, and was just concerned that he was wasting a day's leave and being v bored!

On the day, I was first on the list but due to emergencies DD2 wasn't born until midday. Visiting hours weren't for a while - think it was 3pm. DH, DD2 and I had a lovely time in recovery, then were taken back to my room (had scored one of the private rooms, not the ward) and actually couldn't wait for everyone to turn up. As it was a private room (still on the NHS, we didn't pay for it) the staff turned a blind eye to the number of visitors. At one point we had Mum, Dad, BIL, DSis, stepdad and DSis's boyfriend all in the room. When DD2 wanted to bf, all the men left the room (apart from DH) without me having to say anything. DH was allowed to stay until 9pm regardless of who else was there. The next day I had 4 friends in, plus DH.

What I'm trying to say is that some people find it normal for parents/in-laws to come in as soon as possible. If your in-laws were like that then I can see that they might not understand your point of view. You've got the rest of your child's life to cuddle them and bond with them - so what if your PIL come in for 20 mins on the first day?

Woo Op has made her feelings clear. Should she be over ruled just because others are also excited about a baby's birth ? I say not if it comes down to a people waiting at the hospital and visiting the same day. And since there isn't really a middle ground in those particular scenarios, she gets the veto unquestionably.

Sorry, that took ages to write and I see you've now decided to tell them the date but be firm about waiting for an invite! Ignore my first paragraph.