Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

I had an induction which failed and turned into an EMCS and had both sets of parents in the waiting room throughout. This did not bother me at all. If they want to sit in a room for hours (and hours) sipping tepid coffee that's up to them. They were not allowed into the ward until visiting hours.

What was useful was that they were able to distract DH.

Beforehand I had tried to discourage the camp out as I could not see what they hoped to achieve by it. It's not like I was going to sit up suddenly and demand a full audience for whichever form of birth I ended up having...

In the end it honestly didn't affect me OP. I didn't see them at all. The only stress and inconvenience was for them. However, if you think it will cause you stress then your DH needs to consider your wishes before theirs as you are the one having surgery.

Oh - and you'll be in the hospital from 0630, waiting to be called down as they deal with ECS's from the day/night before plus anyone else in front of you, then there's the recovery room (lovely quiet time just the three of you) and then up to the chaos of the ward and their visiting times.

You could use the argument that they might be his parents but its you being cut open - it is major abdominal surgery after all. I personally preferred the "was called in for a last minute cancellation" line which worked well with the fake date scenario.

Also Writer he may think/worry that his DPs will be "upset" at when they're told about things, but actually when that news is "Congratulations, you have a little grandchild" I think they'll get over anything else quite quickly.
They could either pop in to see you that evening or next day or a few days later once you're home. All that can be up for negotiation too depending on how you're feeling/ what you prefer. Possibly visitors the next day may be what you'd like best?

Attention seeking?

The fact your having baby trumps everyone . Do what best for you.

I am amazed that you know the date so far in advance round here at all 4 hospitals if you will need an ELCS you go for an appointment at 37 weeks and they give you a date then based on how busy they are and individual case need. Equally I went in for my ELCS date and as DD had turned the previous day was sent home not needing one she arrived 30 days later.
The chances are you will be bumped right down the list as I cause several ladies to be when I had DD. They had both been told 9am ELCS, but I monopolised theatre and a very large team till 11 am.
I would develop some uncertainty in the way the hospital arrange things.

I think it's quite a good compromise to let people very close known on the morning of the section, makes it quite similar to going into spontaneous labour and letting people know (and in my case ignoring my phone from that point on!).

Totally don't think anyone should be turning up at the hospital without your say so though. Your DP feelings are obv important, but at the end of the day it's you who will have had a major op, all the crazy hormones flying around and trying to establish feeding (be it bf or ff).

You may be happy to have people there or you may not. I didnt know in advance. As it turned out I had a tough time and asked everyone to stay away from the hospital. Which as my family are nice kind rational people their was no problem with!

If people involved are not going to be able to respect your wishes depending on how you feel at the time then telling them is a different kettle of fish.

Oh and I think that your DH has been watching too many movies, possibly American ones, where a whole posse of random relatives pace the floor in a waiting room, having various arguments and life changing heart to hearts.

This does not happen in real life.

lonecat - I'm also surprised I have been given the date so early. It was at my 28 week appointment with my Consultant that the decision was made and she rang the Ward there and then to book my bed on this specific date I heard the midwife on the other end of the phone having a joke with her about how pro- active she was being but it was done no problem.

YANBU to not want them turning up and hanging around BUT I think giving everyone a fake date is really very silly and has the potential to cause a lot of upset. I would be really very sad if one of my children lied like that. It appears utterly childish.

If you're really worried that they won't respect your wishes and turn up anyway then tbh you're going to have problems with boundaries in the long term which are better dealt with sooner rather than later!

Not unreasonable. However, giving the fake date was a bit off perhaps, as someone else has said. Not sure why you didn't just say 'we are keeping it a secret', then any nuclear fallout with the outlaws could have been handled at that stage.

YANBU.

We have already decided that we will not be telling OH's parents when I go into labour - they have already stated that "if we think anything will stop them jumping in the car the minute they find out then we have another thing coming". This was said when OH was out the room - his reaction when I told him was hysterical. There is a reason I married this man.

We haven't decided about my parents (they will respect whatever decision we make as to when they come), but I am entirely confident that OH will ensure that what I want happens.

For us, it's not so much about having people hanging round the hospital (all being well I will be in a MLU and out as soon as 6 hours after birth), but about us having both the emotional and physical time and space to deal with labour/birth and going home as a family of three.

I think you do need to have a calm discussion with your OH to try to make him understand where you are coming from. You are having serious surgery on top of the whammy of a baby appearing - your needs come first.

I worry that he is putting what his parents would like above what I would like.

That's understandable.

But putting what you would like first doesn't have to mean disregarding your DHs feelings and his parents feelings completely.

Why can't you compromise on allowing them to know on the day when you are having the baby but then asking them to wait until they are invited to see it?

I would also have a word with the midwives when you get to the hospital OP. Tell them the delegation are stressing you and you don't want to see them. From experience I can't see them sitting at home.

I think (trying to be kind) it is their way of controlling stress by being relentlessly present. Obviously their stress is more important (to them) than yours. But You are the patient, not them. The hospital, the doctors and the midwives have a duty of care to you, not them so they can wait til they are blue in the face, I can't see them being allowed access to you if you state otherwise.

YANBU at all.

I had 2 CSs. It is major surgery, not to mention all the hormones raging at the same time.

Everyone should respect your wishes.

Your DH is right you are lying to them and they may a bit upset. You have described them as really lovely so why would you want to do that?

Your baby, your rules and all that but surely better just to be honest with them and say this is the date but don't visit until we are ready.

And it is a bit attention seeking when one of your reasons is to get better, more magical reactions.

regarding the fake date as so many people are asking about it.

We only did it because despite telling everyone we were keeping it a secret they continued to pester me! Constantly saying, "But why can't you just tell us? We won't tell anyone? Just tell us when it's happening" etc. every time I visited someone I was still being given the 3rd degree. Or worse still they were giving me their opinions and when they predicted it would be followed by, "I'm right aren't I? I know I am!" etc. It just became too much. Since the fake date has been given everyone had just stopped going on about it - it's lovely!!

I think the compromise will be that I'm happy for him to tell his parents, but I will be there too when he does so I can let them know they won't be allowed to see me etc - as I doubt DH will make this clear. But DH has to accept that come the day I might not be up for visitors and he has to respect that and not push me into it just to keep his parents happy.

YANBU

We told people when I was going in to be induced - I was 14 days over - the maximum they will let you over so people would have known either.

Both myself and DD had complications after which resulted in us not ringing people until 5 hours after she was born. I was in surgery and she was in ICU, I had her back for a whole hour before all the grandparents arrived in. Luckily they scarpered when I DD was looking for a feed.

I also knew very early on date of elcs. It never occurred to me to give anyone a 'fake date'. I certainly allowed no visitors at hospital though just us and baby.
Perhaps you feel you want to keep some suprise element as you also know sex etc.

strawberry - you think I'm attention seeking because I want to excitedly tell people I've had my baby and then hear them be excited too?

Why shouldn't I be allowed to break the news how I want to? It's my baby. I don't understand why it's selfish to put my IL's wants (well what my DH thinks they would want) before my own?

I find it a bit odd but each to their own.

I also would never dreamt of imposing a visitor ban either so I think we must just be polar opposites. Good luck OP hope it all goes well.

I didn't tell my family the date for DS2's CS (or even that I was definitely having a CS) as I knew they would get all worked up and panicky about it - because they get very overwraught about anything stressful or health related.

It turned out fine - just rang them as soon as we got up to the ward (so only an hour or so after he was born) and said, 'Guess what the loud noise in the background is?'. They were thrilled and did admit they would have been awake all night worrying about me for days beforehand if they'd known.

That said, even if they did know, they wouldn't have turned up at the hospital and waited for it all to happen! Unless you are desperate for them to be there, there is no need for that at all. It was bad enough when my parents turned up the day after I had DS1. I was very ill and felt dreadful, couldn't sit up let alone get out of bed, DS1 was in NICU and they couldn't go in to see him without me being there too. They spent all day moaning at me that they couldn't see the baby, that DP was being a lazy fucker for wanting to sit with me and help me instead of decorating our new house, and complaining that they hadn't been fed all day despite us pointing out where several local cafes were. I wasn't doing that again...

What if they waited all day long and then you got sent home as they couldn't fit you in due to EMCSs? Would they come again all day the next day?

I meant it's not selfish to put my wants before the IL's wants

The fake date makes me a bit Seems duplicitous. People
are naturally excited and happy about an impending birth. Imagine how hurt you'd be if no-one cared. I think you're over-thinking it and getting in a pickle. I know it's your baby and very, very special, but its birth affects others, too.

Oh btw I did obviously tell someone (friend) that I was having a CS and when, so they could look after DS1. And DP told his family but they aren't very interested in our kids full stop so were unlikely to turn up and keep vigil.

YAB a bit U

As other's have said I think you do need to take your DH's wishes into consideration although, obviously you're wishes are paramount.

I think letting him phone his parents in the morning is a compromise.

(I had an ELCS and I told every everyone