Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

Goodness!

Not that bit, the entire non drama surrounding the date.

We don't even know what the pils want or otherwise it just seems like an awful lot if drama when very little has actually been discussed in an adult manner.

But I suppose if a fake date was issued, then adults talking sensibly and openly is perhaps not on the cards.

I had a similar experience with in laws. They were desperate to visit at the hospital, but I preferred not. One day, I just said that I know how desperate they were to visit at the hospital, ans this grandchild was so lucky to have such loving and excites grandparents, but I was nervous about a few things and I know that the stay likely to be very shirt, so pls could we hold off the visit until we are at open.

There was silence, and then 'oh, ok then'. They weent over the moon, but it was sorted.

Open should read home

I can understand why you wouldn't want visitors after having a c section.

I had an EMCS and although I had my parents around it was mainly to help me with things like Mum helped bathe me as I was pretty sore and was on some icky medications.

Both Mum and Dad came but they only came for an hour or so at a time and both my partner and I are VI so it was a great help to have Mum and Dad there. Mum helped me with BFing when I was still half asleep and Dad rocked DD to sleep whilst I got a half hour during the day. They are still excellent with DD.

However if DHs parents or even my sister and her partner would've turned up I would've felt rubbish. Even with my parents visiting they were always gone by 6pm until 9am so nighttime was just me and DP and little lady.

I know someone who didn't tell anyone the date of her ELCS, but expected both families to drop everything NOW and visit in the time slot that they were at allocated at short notice - oh as well as travel 300 miles to the hospital.

She did end up asking her DM to stay for several weeks to look after her and the baby.
It would have been much easier for the DM to have known the date, so she could reorganise her work and other commitments.

I think a fake date is a bit odd, tbh.
Op will you need the help of your parents and in laws after the birth?

I have had 2 C-sections and would not have wanted any visitors soon afterwards. And was too highondrugs unwell to phone anyone, DH did the phone calls.

V unseemly for grandparents to hover at hospitals in hope of an early visit!

The first time around breastfeeding was difficult too, did not fancy seeing PiL with boobs out and a catheter / bag in!

OP, YADNBU.

You are having major surgery. You're DH needs to understand that your needs, wants and comfort come first in the immediate aftermath.

You should have what you want. Your DH having his own way will upset you. You having your own way will annoy your husband. That isn't the same at all. He is also putting what he thinks your parents will want before what you DO want.

With DC1 I had only gone in for a scan. PIL knew the rough time. Predictably FIL rang a few hours later to see how it went. We rang them from the hospital when it suited us to say we had had our baby. All good. They were just relieved we were both fine as it had been an emergency.

YANBU.

I hate to say it but I do think pregnant woman wants trumps mummy's boy DH.

This is t even about not wanting a visitor post section though is it, it's about not wanting the whole family sitting at the hospital throughout the entire wait/section itself. (My last elcs took 8.5 hours of waiting btw)

• I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all.

The 'magic' is to be found in your newborn baby ffs.

The 'magic' is to be found in your newborn baby ffs.

Oh do take your sanctimonious crap to your own thread and boast about how pure and perfect your response to your new baby was and how once it was born you immediately ceased to care about anything else at all in the world.

I found it pretty magical to tell people the news of my new babies.

I had an elective c section. We didn't tell anyone that's what was planned, we only gave them the due date just like any other pregnancy.

The OP is definitely NBU. First and foremost the birth was mine and my partner's first baby, something for us to experience and then break the news that she was here. Those first few hours of just the three of us were extremely special. If I had told either set of parent's before and - heaven forbid - if they'd been at the hospital, I would have felt like some kind of brood mare delivering their grandchild IYSWIM.

I think in this day of over sharing it's sad that people who don't feel that way have to fight to keep their privacy about such obvious things as having a baby.

Yes, the magic is to be found in your newborn baby- in having those precious hours to get to know one another as a new little family unit. The magic is in holding your baby for the first time, feeding him or her, baby/dad bonding time while the new mum has the opportunity to get her body put back together and cleaned up- NOT trying to do all this after your husband has spent your labour/ theatre time worrying about the comfort of his parents in the waiting room, and while he or the new GPs themselves try to establish some kind of GP pecking order by fighting their way in to hold the baby before even the new mother has had chance.

The grandparents will get their time with the baby. But the magic of those early moments really does depend on the mother having as much choice as possible over what happens to her body , and what happens once the baby is born.

Writer , I don't know your backstory, but your comment about DH having his own way about everything else about the pregnancy and insisting that he has his own way about what happens when you are in hospital giving birth is alarming. Usually couples decide together? on a name, a nursery, the decision about knowing the sex, and he has apparently made all those decisions- and now he is insisting on control over what happens when you are in hospital as well.

Last night my dad phoned me whilst my DH was in the same room as me and I made the point to my dad that we were keeping the CS date a secret and would just tell people once he's been born. I also told him I most likely wouldn't even want visitors on the first night and that I'd even asked my sister (who I'm super, duper close to and who everyone would expect me to want there) not to visit until at least the next day. I could see my DH taking it all in and I think he knows that regardless of what his parents want, the plan is going the way I want it to. When I put the phone down me and DH discussed it again a little but I stuck to my compromise and said that if he really wants to tell hid parents when the date is, then he can - but, he said to me, (acknowledging really for the first time) "But it isn't what you want is it??" I shook my head and said no, it wasn't and he smiled at me in a way that shows he knows his parents are not going to be a factor in decision making.

I actually don't even care anymore if his parent's know the real date, I don't care if they want to waste 12 hours of their life sitting in a hospital canteen but what I do care about is that they are told that I probably won't want visitors. As long as they are aware that they aren't getting an automatic Free Pass to see the baby the night it's born then I will be happy with that.

I spoke to my Auntie yesterday and she said that when she and her DH had their first baby that first evening together after the birth was so special, and that the 3 of them being together as a family (she asked nobody to visit) was a very precious time. As she rightly said, it isn't a time we will never get back.

Yay for the understanding smile and listening to you

I had an elective section with ds2. We did tell people beforehand when it was happening, and we didn't have any visitors (aside from my dfriend, who dropped ds1 off to meet his new brother) as we'd asked family for time to ourselves. My parents visited for a couple of hours the day after he was born, dh's the day after we were discharged. If you're bothered about visitors, Just Say No!

Really don't get the need for a fake date though.

yanbu. I knew a few days beforehand with dc1 that I was going to be induced, we didn't say anything to anyone. It was our business, no-one elses. I phoned my parents a few hours after the birth to tell them they were grandparents, and they were so surprised (he was early) and overwhelmed. It was lovely to be able to tell them like that rather than them half - knowing.

Really don't get the need for a fake date though

You must have missed the posts describing the horror of my families constant questioning and harassment Believe me, it was our only option in order to shut everyone up

I'm glad that you feel that your husband has taken your feelings on board :)

I, personally, would prob tell parents/PILs on the day though. When I went into labour we notified both our parents - just so they knew where we were and could be on call in case they were needed. It was still magical phoning them afterwards and telling them that the baby had arrived, weight, name etc. There was no pressure from them to come up and visit etc but I felt fine and wanted to show my boys off both times so I invited them up :) I suppose it would be different if you felt they would definitely not stay away if they knew the date.

Glad he seems to have listened to you.

TBF this might all end up a complete waste of time anyway - If you don't get taken down for your c section until later in the day you might not even be back up on the ward before visiting, So it would be taken out of your hands no matter what then.

Good luck with the birth :)

Well there has been huge progress this morning thanks to a woman sitting next to us in the hospital waiting room whilst we were waiting for our Obstetrician appointment.

She'd had an ELCS 3 months ago and because she was chatting to me about it I asked as many questions as I could so that DH could hear the reality of it!! She'd had quite a bad time, been kept in recovery for 8 hours due to BP problems and bleeding and she said that in terms of recovery it took her a good 8 weeks to feel 'herself' again. My DH couldn't resist by asking, "How soon after the CS did you have visitors?" She told him that she'd felt so horrific that she hadn't wanted to see anyone - she said that lots of family turned up but she told the midwives not to let them in because she just couldn't face anyone. She then said to me, "You'll probably feel exactly the same, you just can't deal with it."

I could have kissed her!!!!

My DH then passed comment about his parents will be absolutely itching to see the baby but then he turned to me and said that he was happy to tell them not to expect to see the baby and that if I didn't want visitors until the next day then they'd just have to accept it. He said if that's what I want then that's what matters.

Oh the relief

"Oh the relief "

I'm sure-shame he wouldn't take your word for it though & that it had to come from a stranger

Nothing like a bit of gory detail to bring reality back with a big old crash

I totally get the fake date as I did it myself. Took the constant pressure off especially with MIL inviting herself for a week, the week after my first was born. Is just that breathing space. If you are up for visitors, then all well and good, and they'd probably be ecstatic being asked early. It's just the option of time to all three of you.

I really hope in in-laws are as excited as your DH has hyped up in his mind

That's what I was thinking too diddl.

I'm pleased this particular situation has been resolved but it seems like just one of many issues where you have to battle to have your voice heard by your controlling husband. You are lucky that this stranger happened to support your view and not his, and you shouldn't have to rely on hoping other people will back you up to have your opinion respected by him.

you shouldn't have to rely on hoping other people will back you up to have your opinion respected by him.

Quite.

A life of hoping you'll happen upon a stranger who will express your opinion for you sounds quite trying.

Writer....he needs to start learning with you....from your own experiences as a couple, listening more to you. There may not always be a stranger on hand.

You have deemed such huge relief from this though and I'm so glad you are feeling better.
You sound much happier