Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

OP, what would actually happen if you just said, "No, your parents won't be hanging around the hospital on the day regardless of what you/they want, because I don't want them there"?

If he would say, "oh OK then," then all is well.

If he would huff and puff and try to wheedle, or try to spring them on you on the day, then he's not being a supportive partner or a good father. It's that simple.

What would actually happen if you told the ward not to admit anyone except him?

For all that you are trying to be a cheerleader for him, he's coming across very poorly here, especially in light of the wedding thread. Why does everything have to be organised around what he wants?

I know you'll say, oh well, I didn't really care about the name, or having to organise my ELCS around him going to a wedding. Well this apparently is something you care about, or you wouldn't have posted. So why don't you just put your foot down, and get what you want when it is important to you?

If you have a good relationship with his parents then if i were you I'd be telling them that you'd be delighted for them to have a loving relationship with their grandchild but you would like a bit of space in the first few days after the birth as you will be feeling unwell so would prefer it if they gave you a few hours to come round after the section and only stayed for short periods at visiting times as your husband has suggested they'll be wanting to visit the minute the baby is born and you don't want to feel overwhelmed and have the relationship between you deteriorate.
Your husband has to see that his parents being pushy and him letting them be pushy and not protecting you could turn a good relationship into a poor one.

Thanks for all continued replies - I have spoken to a lot of my family today about this issue (admitted about fake date etc) and none of them have issues with us keeping it a secret and said they understand why it should just be the 3 of us and that not visiting until at least the next day is not a problem. I'll tell my husband that when he comes home so he can see just how 'acceptable' it is to my relatives for us to have this time together.

If I tell my husband I probably wont want visitors on the first day he will accept that but I also know he'll be disappointed for his parents - well, he'll think his parents would be disappointed. I wish his mom would come round so I could somehow slip it into conversation and actually see what they envision "Birth Day" to involve. I'm 95% sure they won't want to hang around all day but I get a feeling they would like to see the baby the same day it's born.

There's a lot of guesswork going on here about what his parents want- both from you and from DH.

If it were me, I would talk directly to ILs- if you have a close enough relationship to be discussing them turning up to see you in a body-exposing hospital gown, a catheter, blood everywhere and possibly breasts out then you are close enough to speak with them directly.

I'd tell them that you've been given a provisional date (which is fakedate) but nothing is guaranteed even on the day itself, so you'll give them a ring once you have some news and make visiting arrangements then (depending on how long you and the baby need to recover before seeing visitors, and what the hospital policy is). If they protested that they didn't mind what you looked like, I would explain that it wasn't for the benefit of their sensibilities, it would be for the health of you and your baby.

I feel desperately sorry for all the new mothers on this thread who've been railroaded into giving in to other people's demands- and even had their babies kept from them- when they have been at their most exhausted and vulnerable.

"If they protested that they didn't mind what you looked like, I would explain that it wasn't for the benefit of their sensibilities, it would be for the health of you and your baby."

Amen to that!

When my PFB was still in scbu & I was bfeeding, ILs came to visit.

Husband said she's just bfeeding & FIL said, oh that's ok & went to walk past him!

Fortunately husband said no, I wanted to continue without an audience!

I think the whole fake date idea is bizarre and unnecessarily drama inducing. Really, I've had 2 sections - what is the big deal if your parents/ILs drop by for 10 min to meet their grandchild? Why not keep them posted and enjoy their excitement? If your BF'ing just send them off to the cafeteria for a coffee.

Right after your section you will be on good drugs. Feeling good, feeling nothing. Its really not a bad time for a brief visit. When they start to wear off the next day....well, its all downhill from there.

I just think your making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Really a new baby is as exciting to parents/grandparents whether you know the date in advance or not. Its a new baby! They are fabulous!

Just my own 2 cents OP. Hope it goes well whatever you decide.

Oh and this I agree with:

There's a lot of guesswork going on here about what his parents want- both from you and from DH.

Just talk to them about it. You don't actually know if they want to hang out in a hospital all day (who would?!). Your guessing. Ask them.

"Really, I've had 2 sections - what is the big deal if your parents/ILs drop by for 10 min to meet their grandchild?"

Well I've had 3 sections, and the big deal is - she doesn't want them there.

So many people who don't understand that women are humans.

Thankfully in my family we don't go barging into hospital to "meet" the new baby.

Should we visit we go in to see our much beloved family member who has just had a baby, to see how she is and give her some attention and congratulations.

Seeing the tiny, scrawny, sleepy, unresponsive little scrag bag that will one day be a cute baby is a secondary consideration.

NOBODY who is coming to "meet" the baby should be allowed over the fucking threshold. The people worth allowing in are coming to see the mother.

^^Sorry but I think that is really precious.

Does the OP have some evidence that people will "bargin" in, you know as opposed to stopping by like most normal people? There is a lot of inflammatory language used to describe these grandparents who haven't even stated their intentions.

The grandparents haven't stated their intentions, but the husband, who we already know from previous threads is a domineering, selfish prick, is very likely to browbeat the OP into having them visit even if she doesn't feel up to it.

But of course, women are always being "precious" with their "feelings" and ideas that what they want actually counts for something and other people should listen to them.

This is HER decision.

No other fucker's opinion counts for shit here.

Just hers.

She is pregnant. She is having her abdomen sliced open and a baby will be wrestled out of it. She will be numb from the waist down, unable to walk and with a catheter drawing urine out of her body. She has a medical condition that is likely to deteriorate after the birth.

Everyone else should fuck the fuck off and let her deal with this potentially traumatic medical procedure as she she's fit.

And that includes the wanker who runs her life.

I think it is fair enough to want to have a special time without the pressure of relatives outside. My own DM did this at birth of DS1 and that kind of spoiled it. I was too scared to give my view.

This time it will be me and DP for a few hours-we are both looking forward to this time. Then I want to get cleaned up and rest. THEN visitors please and more the merrier.

Any family member who cannot put there own feelings aside for a few days or even hours to delay the instant gratification of seeing a new baby in favour of the new mums health and feelings has a bit of a cheek calling themselves family.

Families are meant to respect and care for each other in times of vulnerability.

joinyour love your post!

I am beginning to dread being a mother in law, how nice to have to DIL that makes up a fake birth date as she doesnt want the grandparents around.

I'd be totally hurt if my DS lied to me like that.

No doubt OP will be back after moaning the grandparents dont do x, y and z.

She told her dm the same thing, happymum, or did you not see that? Don't turn it into a mil issue when it's not it's an arsy dh issue

I am beginning to dread being a mother in law

If you start practising now, you might be able to conquer your unreasonable desire to impose yourself on people who've just had a major operation before your son marries.

At the hospital I gave birth at - and will do so again this time - you're kept in recovery for 4 hours and nobody is allowed in to see you except your birth partner.

What that means is, unless you have a REALLY early section, visiting hours will have been and gone by the time you come downstairs, if it's an ELCS.

My EMCS was after lunch, so nobody got to see any of us until the next day and nobody sulked, so far as I know. If they had I'd have told them to get a grip!

My own family live 170 miles away, so my sister came up when DD was a week old and we travelled to my parents when she was 2 months old as they can't travel for health reasons. Again, nobody sulked, though they were chomping at the bit to see her.

They apparently let you out the next day after an ELCS if it happens before lunch, so it may be a couple of days before people see us next time due to timings etc, but we shall see.

Ultimately they'll have to go with whatever's convenient at the time. That doesn't mean they're excluded, it just means that circumstances will dictate what can and can't happen.

Thankfully my DH is very supportive, and if I'm not up for visitors he will tell them no. And that's how it should be.

Put your foot down, WW. It's important you get what you want / need after the ELCS.

Happy, I suggest you brush up on your comprehension skills as you seem to have read the OP's posts incorrectly.

Oh, and what Join said.

OP, if your husband is "disappointed" on behalf of his parents, or assumes they will be - well, boo fucking hoo. They're all adults, two of them are old enough to be grandparents so I'm sure they've had plenty of time to adjust to disappointment and the fact life doesn't always hand you everything you want.

It's sad that they can't be as much a part of their other GCs' lives as they would want, but it is not your responsibility to make up for that by sublimating your wish to have the birth that you think will suit the health of you and your baby best.

This is all getting blown up out of all proportion. TELL them all how it is going to be, prime your midwives and stick to your guns. Six months on, when they've had every opportunity to be doting grandparents, they probably won't even remember which day they first got to see your child.

Look, you're having a baby.

That is bloody big enough, special enough and downright amazing enough not to require silly games and mystery.

Grow. Up.

The harshest post I think I've ever written. Somehow irritated by this. Op, you just don't seem to 'get' what pregnancy is all about. You are going to give birth to a baby, not deliver a bunch of flowers.

To be clear. YADBU

What a cuntish post

lifeis

What exactly is unreasonable about not wanting to be bothered with people straight after a c section unless she's up to it and phones them

I agree Sock. No need at all.