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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

379 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 27/01/2014 08:36

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date Smile

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed.... Grin

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

OP posts:
PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 29/01/2014 08:34

He probably does want support, but so does the OP.

If your dh was having surgery and you said 'I want my mom there' and he didn't.. would you insist thepros? For your benefit?

Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2014 08:50

I do wonder if he is more scared than he makes out. Due to my health we have been warned that following the birth my health may deteriorate (and render me useless for a while) which would effectively leave DH holding the baby - and he has no clue about babies!! He isn't overly close to his parents, loves them the same way other people love their parents, but I spend more time with them than he does Smile

My gut instinct is that he's doing this because he knows how really hurt and upset his parents (his mom in particular) are about the fact they have missed out on having relationships with her other grandchildren. I think that he thinks that by making them so involved it will somehow take away some of the pain and be like a fresh start for them, a chance for them to have a grandchild they are allowed to be a part of it's life.

OP posts:
basgetti · 29/01/2014 08:55

That is a nice sentiment but they have the next 18 years to be part of its life, it doesn't have to start as you are recovering from major surgery. Why is he prioritising his parent's potential feelings over your actual ones?

And he doesn't actually get to make these decisions, is he aware that you have the power to veto all visitors including him? Why does he have the impression that he is in charge?

Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2014 09:00

It isn't like he thinks he's 'In Charge' just like I don't think I am. It's his baby too and I'm happy to find a compromise. If he wants his parents to know when the CS is taking place then I won't stop him telling them just as I'd never let him dictate to me what I could or couldn't say to my parents. I think, as a previous poster said, he just doesn't understand how crap I may be feeling after the procedure and that actually I won't want visitors - he seems to think they'll whip baby out, stitch me up, I will feel great and everything will be brilliant....

OP posts:
diddl · 29/01/2014 09:01

Well your baby is surely because you want a family, not so that his parents can have a GC that they will be involved with & tbh, if that is the reason & think that you will soon grow sick of it & the good relationship that you have with them atm will sour.

How far are they from the hospital?

If you do "deteriorate"-how quickly could they get there for him if necessary?

Incidentally, not all women have a clue about babies!

The only thing that we can do that men can't is bfeed!

And of course breast milk can be expressed!

NanooCov · 29/01/2014 09:03

I think you've created a rod for your own back giving out the fake date - would have been easier just to tell everyone you wanted it to be a surprise and so weren't telling. As for whether or not to tell parents on the day, I don't think it's unusual to tell parents/v close family that you're on your way in to deliver whether section or not so I wouldn't see a problem with this - but I'd tell your parents too. Why treat them differently?

As for whether parents or in laws should be allowed to hang round hospital waiting for the moment to arrive, that's a totally different kettle of fish. You should have the visitors you want when you want them and your husband should support you in this. Is your husband assuming they'll want to sit at the hospital all day or is he making an assumption? Maybe they're more considerate than he gives them credit for?

I'd suggest a compromise - they can be told on the morning but are not allowed to come to the hospital until invited (probably next day but even then depends how you're doing).

LittleBearPad · 29/01/2014 09:10

Why on earth will your PIL want to spend all day drinking crap coffee in a hospital canteen. I don't think your DH has thought this through.

As another poster said they aren't planning to do this with the fake date you've given them. Why would they with the real date.

They clearly don't live far away as I assume you're giving birth in your local hospital and they live on your street. They can come visit all being well in the evening. If need be tell them on the morning.

CS get moved all the time because an EMCS may need theatre. So despite having a date you may still not have the OP that date.

Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2014 09:11

diddl - the hospital is a 20 minute drive away, not far at all. I think if I were to deteriorate my DH would know that at least his parents would know what to do with a baby Grin

nanoo - we tried the whole 'we want to keep it a secret angle' but it got us nowhere - you must have missed the posts about how crazy my family and friends drove me. It was either create a date or tell everyone to just fuck off! Grin All this waiting around at the hospital is my husband's assumption, PIL have never indicated to me that it's something they would want to do - and I'm pretty sure they won't. Even if they did, I don't think I'd care as I wouldn't have to see them, but I would be very worried that as soon as I'm back on the ward my DH will be bringing them in to see me when I just won't want it.....or pressuring me about how they've been there all say so I can hardly turn them away.....

OP posts:
MrsNoodleHead · 29/01/2014 09:15

I think it's a bit weird, TBH. If I had a call from a loved one telling me about the baby's arrival my joy would be tainted by the fact that you'd lied.

Can you not just be honest? If you insist on secrecy, tell them that?

diddl · 29/01/2014 09:16

So if you start to get ill at the hospital they could be there quickly for him?

Although I'm not sure how it would work because if he's with them getting support, then he's not with you!

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/01/2014 09:17

I think your DH is going to be very very let down by his parents behaving like reasonable people or you are going to be let down by them being unreasonable.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 29/01/2014 09:22

It isn't like he thinks he's 'In Charge' just like I don't think I am.

But you ARE in charge!

YOU are about to undergo major surgery.

YOU are about to give birth to a baby from YOUR body.

If you don't feel in charge of this part of your life, then I truly despair about the relationship you are in with this domineering git.

he seems to think they'll whip baby out, stitch me up, I will feel great and everything will be brilliant....

I don't know how you can even look at someone so stupid and wilfully ignorant.

No fucker on the planet thinks this is how a Caesarean section works.

He's just suiting himself and seeing only what he wants so he can get his own way.

Yet again.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 29/01/2014 09:25

I would be very worried that as soon as I'm back on the ward my DH will be bringing them in to see me when I just won't want it.....or pressuring me about how they've been there all say so I can hardly turn them away...

This is EXACTLY what he'll do.

How many threads have you started now about him browbeating you into getting his own way about things that you should get a say on?

He doesn't give a fuck what you want unless it happens to exactly accord with what he wants.

Then after his parents have been introduced to his son and heir, he'll name his offspring and you, the incubator, will get a new role as chief skivvy to the young price while he continues to ride roughshod over everything you want.

hackmum · 29/01/2014 09:32

Writerwannabe: "In my eye, the labour and birth experience is between the parents and the baby - I don't see why other family members have to be factored into the process??"

They don't have to be factored into the process - on the other hand, it's not nice to lie to them. It's perfectly acceptable to say "We want to keep the date a secret" or to tell them the date but say you don't want any visitors for a couple of days afterwards, but deliberately misleading them makes it look as if you don't think their feelings are important.

The thing is, once you have a baby, your relationship with your own parents and in-laws changes. They are now grandparents. They will want to see the baby and spend time with it. You may not rely on them for childcare when you're at work, but what about when you want a night out? Or a Saturday off? It seems wise to get the whole new grandparent relationship off to a harmonious start.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 29/01/2014 09:34

My relationship with my parents didn't change at all when I had children.

I'm still their child, they still love me in my own right and not just as a means of getting to their grandchildren.

My MIL seems to feel the same about DH.

Littlegreyauditor · 29/01/2014 09:36

The midwives are your friends OP. Tell them that you are not feeling up to visitors. Outside of visiting hours anyone getting access to you is at their discretion, whether they have been waiting all day or not.

Regardless of your husband's thoughts on the matter you are the patient and therefore you are the one who gets to decide, not the Frank Sinatra wannabe you married.

Only1scoop · 29/01/2014 09:43

Writer....your DH should be bloody happy that the hospital let you change the date of elcs to accommodate his friends wedding commitmentsBlush....that he seems to have the mainstay choice of the name....nursery decoration....and now the Birth is all getting a bit beyond me....
Time to just take charge of you day and how you wish it to go (rarely to plan I'm my experience).
YOU are giving birth....YOU are having major surgery....and he should be bending over bloody backwards to lessen the stress for you. Particuluarly as you have health issues which may effect your birth further.
Same date for everyone stop tying yourself up in knots.
He needs to grow up IMO

Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2014 10:00

I just think he's severely deluded about what his parents are going to want to do!! I think once he realises they have no intention of camping out he will see how silly he was to even think it Smile

ps) I do really like the name we have gone for, lol - it isn't like I hated it but he forced me into it Grin

OP posts:
basgetti · 29/01/2014 10:02

It isn't really about whether his parents will end up wanting to do what he thinks, and if he will feel silly about it. The problem is that he is ignoring your wishes in the first place.

basgetti · 29/01/2014 10:04

And if they say they do want to camp out? What then? It is a pretty sad situation that you are relying on the wishes of your ILs to get the birth you want.

Only1scoop · 29/01/2014 10:06

Glad you don't HATE the name HE has chosen....I actually hope you LOVE the name your ds will have.

Writer get in that driving seat....

Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2014 10:08

If they do want to camp out then I'll just let them know they'll be wasting their time as they won't be able to see me until visiting times minimum and we can't guarantee they'll even get to see the baby if my Cs is done late or I'm not well. My DH has said he's happy to give them those facts and be honest with them about how the day may pan out (including the CS even being cancelled for emergencies etc) but that if they still choose to sit there for 12 hours then that's their choice. I think he feels the same way as a lot of posters do, that me 'lying' to them isn't fair.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2014 10:11

I wish I hadn't mentioned the baby's name now, lol. He suggested it as something he really liked, I don't have any names that I'm overly adamant/keen about having, I like the name he suggested and so we've gone for it. I'm not sure that makes him worthy of the comments he is receiving. My dad named both me and my sister as my mom 'wasn't fussed about any particular name' - I can't say I see that as being an issue.

OP posts:
FairPhyllis · 29/01/2014 10:28

Ahhh. I'm developing a feeling here that he is concerned about you being out of action after the birth and him actually having to step up and look after the baby

I think he wants PILs there so they can look after the baby and he doesn't have to do anything.

Writerwannabe83 · 29/01/2014 10:30

Definitely not that Phyllis - he is going to make a brilliant dad, I have absolutely no worries about that. I wouldn't have wanted to have a baby with him otherwise, lol Smile

OP posts: