Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

Just a thought further to Phyllis' post.

Could it be that he wants them on hand in case you are poorly after birth to be on hand to support you both. Obviously I don't know your condition but could he be worried about having to leave you on your own (if you would have to have treatment elsewhere).

I can imagine someone could feel quite torn between looking after their new born and trying to support their wife at the same time...?

YANBU I didn't want all the stress of other people knowing my due date either. I had chatted to friends who had given out theirs and were then late and had people asking repeatedly for any news so i decided to just give the month when asked.

As it happened my first was early And had to go to SCBU. My parents and sister were on holiday the first 2 weeks and I think that was definitely good as they wouldn't have been allowed to visit and would just have been sitting around stressing and worrying had they been in the country.

With both our dcs we had decided to have 1 to 2 days with just us as a family before any visitors and that felt right with our Ds (born healthy).

I would say decide what you would prefer in terms of visitors and try to appeal to your dh in terms of that maybe.

Well he might make a good dad, but he's a shit husband right now imo!

For a time it was thought that I would need a caesarian & I think if my husband had mentioned his parents wants/needs in terms of that at all I would have left him!

aaah bless him.

He's seen too many tv shows where the entire cast wait around in the hospital for a baybee to be born. he probably hasn't got a clue that thay does not happen irl.

it's bad enough going 2 weeks over your due date and wankers saying 'have you had it yet' while you waddle like a beached whale and want to shout back ' just fucking fuck off to twat land, do I fucking look like I have had it!!!!'

no you are quite right and your dh should stop considering his daft parents and support you.

bio this right in the bud now op or you may find them upset they don't babysit/do overnight sleeps/ that you bf etc.

he's being a dick

I think your H is harbouring some romantic notions about the birth that are likely to disappoint in the end. I was dead against anyone else being at the hospital when DS was born. I didn't lie about the date that I had scheduled to give birth. He just happened to have different opinions on the matter altogether and came a week and a half early.

There's really not much you can control about these things. Best laid plans and all that... Welcome to parenthood

I'm pretty sure there were no visitors to see Prince George until the day or even two days after he was delivered.

Have you two done a visit to the hospital? It has registered with him that his parents can't just wander into the delivery ward or even the post natal ward to visit, without being buzzed in during visiting hours (which don't exist on the delivery ward).

Perhaps it is time to do a little negotiation.
"I'm happy to give your parents the real date (let's call it new date) for the ELCS. However, this is on the basis that a) he will contact them when the baby is born or if the operation is delayed a day or two so they are not hassling for news. b) they are not to wait at the hospital but will be called when you are well enough for visitors and c) should you become very ill postnatally, you both agree who will be called and who you would both like to take care of your child if he is by your side/ or vice versa."

I think the latter point is the one to discuss with your midwife and between you. Only you know your medical condition on here and whether or not you are potentially going to be separated from your child if there are issues. Depending on where you are in the country, you could even be in separate hospitals. I can understand why he is anxious and perhaps looking at it as a separate issue to who gets to see baby first, might help with the practicalities of visiting hours etc.

Ultimately you all have to go with the flow. Babies don't do plans very well in my experience.

So you think your PILs will be reasonable in not wanting to hang around the hospital all day anyway, and you don't mind them knowing the real date so long as they promise not to hassle for news and understand it might be a day or so before they get to see the baby, but you don't want to go behind your DH's back in talking to them. And so this dilemma based on assumptions continues.

What is stopping you from saying to him "I'm going to pop along and have a chat with your parents today; I'll tell them the real date and we'll agree what we'll do in terms of news and visiting and whathaveyou in best case and worst case scenarios"? That's not going behind his back. Doesn't he trust you to have a reasonable conversation with them? Will he assume if you come back from the chat and report that (as you suspected) they have no intention of hanging about all day and are happy to wait for the call inviting them to come in that you must have coerced them into agreeing to stay at home? Is he able to accept that he was wrong and you were right without suspecting/accusing you of using nefarious means to secure their agreement? Will he insist that you don't speak to them without his presence, or that he will speak to them alone? Will he sulk?

Happyonis..as I said:these ghastly tv programmes have a lot to answer for.
Wondering if these inlaws have even asked to come.Surely nobody could be so wilfully intrusive?

Personally I think the fake date thing is a bit weird. Do you really think people won't be excited and happy when you call after the baby is born if they knew the date?! Of course they would. I would tell them. In fact I dis tell them - I had an elcs.

The date that the OP has been given is not set in stone, all sorts of circumstances can arise that will mean it can happen earlier or later than originally thought. I ended up with three different dates then ended up having the section on a Bank Holiday four days before the last date arranged because my blood pressure was high and as it was a Bank Holiday the "team" were not busy.
I felt so ghastley afterwards only my dsis and my dad were told of the birth because I just couldn't face visitors who might hang about

I'm booked in for a certain date which we have told people about. My pil are already trying to manufacture immediate first visit (very important to them they see baby before my parents - very high maintenance, passive aggressive egocentric people). My date is nearly two months away and they are acting like this already. With my first they came in and took baby off me and passed him between themselves for the entire visiting time and got shirty when I asked for him back. Four years ago and it still pisses me off. I've already said to dh that the people I want to see are my son and my parents, not them. I am the one having a major op and therefore I do have a say on visitors. I won't exclude them, but will be doing things on my terms and will not be pandering to them.

You really need to be honest with them - it's not unreasonable in the slightest to want to have time to recover and bond just the three of you.

I will never understand this. Does anyone actually really care much how and when and what gender other people's babies are? I have friends like this, months of locked rooms and newspaper at the baby room window. It makes me want to scream that, whilst important to you, is not of the slightest interest to me whatsoever. Bizarre sense of own importance if you ask me. Other people giving birth is sweet for them but that's about it really. Oh, and please don't post the crowning photos on my Facebook, I am sure it was special to you but to me it looks like beet root and salad cream.

Wrong thread Theo?

sounds fine to me, can see thread has moved on but your keeping it real arnt you like a normal labour....

No not wrong thread. Telling people fake dates is bloody weird.

Your DH needs to understand that actually not many women know what to do with a baby, women are not born with maternal desire or book on what to do....we all have to learn...

that includes most of our DH's too.

I have seen many men saying they are usless becoming naturals the min their own child is in their arms.

tell him not to panic, he will know what to do when te time comes

Actually Buds, that is a good point, and is also part of the reason why a lot of women (me included) don't want lots of visits and passing around of the baby immediately after birth. We've got to get our heads around the baby being there and start on what is frankly the steepest learning curve there is.

At this rate you might have to give DH a fake date.

Doesn't matter what he thinks is best, doesn't matter what his parents want - you are the patient going into hospital for major surgery. And the fact that he is so desperate to put his own wishes about his parents above the needs of his wife and baby bodes very ill for the future.

Use the midwives- make it clear at all your appointments and on your birth plan that you don't want visitors in the delivery suite and for x amount of time on the ward, even if your husband attempts to force the issue.

I know the conversation has moved on. we told close family date but not friends. Also after a cs (i don't like the elective bit as I had it for medical reasons) you can't really move (cathatar etc) are very groggy so the next day is perfect for visitors - point out cs is major surgery and you will also need time to get bf going, My dad wanted to turn up later int he day but we just said no. Sometimes things also don't go quite to plan if there are too many emergency cs due you might get bumped.
Just say no - you are an adult.

Also fake date nonsense seems very childish - but i don't really do family politics.

When you have the baby , I can bet any money dh will beg to have them up 'just for a min ' ... You will be in no fit state for a row and will agree!

Stop being a push over!

No we didn't tell anyone, was a bit difficult night before when I had visitors in the hospital, keeping it schtum, especially when the Doctors came to my bed to talk to me!

It's nerve wracking enough without people knowing. YANBU

Andcake all 'Elective' means is that it is a planned c section, not that you elect to have it. So a section for medical needs as opposed to patient choice is still Elective.

If you told a man he had to have a leg amputated, no anesthetic, and he was scared.....that he then had to have his in-laws hanging about because they were excited and had never seen an amputee before, you would be thought of as unreasonable!
Now tell him he has to suck it up, get a grip, stop attention seeking if he tries to avoid this hellish scenario and see if he changes his attitude.

If your dh was having surgery and you said 'I want my mom there' and he didn't.. would you insist thepros? For your benefit?

Read my post properly please PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon I did not say that his parents should be there.