to be surprised how regularly posters casually suggest an OP makes a hugely significant or expensive change to their life?

[Thurlow]

Not sure if I've managed to word that title well!

This one has been bugging me for a while. An OP has a problem, maybe with work, or timings, or travel or something. Most posters come up with reasonable suggestions that might help. But there's always someone - and sometimes quite a few people - who suggest a massive change in the OP's life, as if it's something really easy to do.

For example, the ones that stick with me are...

well, obviously you have to learn to drive - as if learning to drive happens over night, and doesn't require time, money and possibly childcare.

you have to move house/out of London - because people can just find the money to move house easily, or wants to move away from their friends and support network.

you should get a new job - this one in particularly, because we all know that that thousands of employers are struggling to fill part-time jobs with child-friendly hours that pay enough to cover childcare too...

I know this is just a chat forum, and that you can ignore any posters and advice you like - but, but, but... Does anyone else get a bit about how casually some posters make suggestions like this?

i am more the opposite - why fix the tiny stuff when there is a glaring issue eg learning to drive that needs addressing. both long and short term planning

Well some people DO think long term

Sit on your arse and hope things improves isn't great advice really.

I think it's fine that people suggest lots of different things. And the OP can reject any suggestions that aren't suitable. If a person is overwhelmed with housework of course people will suggest a cleaner if they can afford it. If they can't then there will be other suggestions. But I can see what you are getting at that a lot of people don't have the means to make sweeping changes.

My one is where the OP's other half wants to go trekking in the Himalayas or on a stag do in Antarctica or something, and the answer is always to make sure that the OP does a very similar thing of her own.

Even though, the OP's objection is lack of funds, lack of family time or family holiday or the sheer impracticality of it all.

I like to think people are just cutting to the chase. Yes, you could carry n walking miles each day and carrying shopping while your "d"P takes the car to work, trying to appeal to his absent semse of resonsibility in the evenings - or you could learn to drive, which makes your life easier (in the long run) and improves your employability (for example).

I agree Op.
Sometimes on benefits threads I've seen why don't you just move to an area that has jobs?
If you're living on benefits a move is a huge expensive thing and untenable to many, same with the cost of driving lessons and running a car.

But people should learn to drive :)

yes Nanny, or the OP should at the VERY LEAST book a Spa weekend for herself, that'll show 'im

Long term planning is great. But suggesting someone move when they have a problem that needs sorting quite soon isn't always helpful, is it?

I'm not saying don't offer advice and say 'hope things improve'. Just every other threads seems to have the wise advice than an OP should get a new or part-time job, as if that might never have occurred to them or part-time jobs are so easy to find.

They're just such sweeping pieces of advice.

some people can only think in terms of their own experiences, abilities, priorities and resources.

Some for example cannot grasp that saying "give your self a night off and buy a take away" is totally beyond some peoples finances, as is saying "try going organic and it does wonders for their behaviour" or whatever.

People post what they would be able to/have done. But its all offered with the best intentions I think.

I love those big picture ballsy suggestions! It often seems to be the same most incisive practical posters who point out the bleeding obvious too.

Way better than mimsy little 'there there how awful, poor you fate dealt you a bad hand.'

Never bad to remember we all got where we were by the choices we made, and we can always make new ones.

The car one, as an example - I'll give me because I'm a prime example

I don't drive. About twice a year it is mildly irritating and things would be easier if I did drive. But between a) lack of free cash, b) working and commuting and c) a partner who works opposite hours to me, it's not currently achievable. And those aren't even those weird a blocks to driving.

So if I had a problem now that involved travelling, a sweeping 'learn to drive' wouldn't help.

Yes, nanny, that's a perfect example

Yeah, I am another one for broadening horizons here. The Poor me thing.. we'll all empathise with someone, but suggesting driving or a new job, ok, that's a big thing, but why not? That's empowerment really. This is close to home for me, because my DM is soooo passive, it drives me mad. She'll moan, and she's not had an easy life, but she could have made it so much better and given herself so many more choices. I don't want to be too harsh on her, or indeed my DDAD, because I was always going to have driving lessons at 17 and then go to university. They have given me a surfeit of self esteem, as they did with my siblings, and anyway, I have gone off topic and will be quiet now.

Sometimes people need to make massive changes, or its just a band aid quick fix that has no hope of affecting real or lasting change in their life.

it doesnt mean its easy, but genuine solutions to really difficult or painful situations are often not easy. They are less often absolutely physically impossible. They may require massive attitude shift, money, time or be really difficult and sometimes that just is not possible no matter which way you look at it but other times it absolutely is possible if only the person was willing to make difficult choices.

but it's always down to them. All they're getting is the views of frankly only fleetingly interested strangers on the net. It's their life and only they can decide what is or is not possible or practical for them.

I dont think that means we should limit ourselves to suggesting only the easy options.

Repeatedly suggesting impractical things after op has ruled them out would be wrong. However suggesting something big once is fair enough I reckon. Sometimes when we have a problem we just can't see the wood for the trees.

Op do you think your irritation at these posters would be helped if you learnt to drive?

I think the OP should chuck in her job and trek to the North Pole so that she gets some perspective on being annoyed by MN postings

IKWYM LTB is the classic. Not as easy as all that (although occasionally the right advice)

you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. or spend. or change its life. like the psychologist's light bulb, it has to want to change.

i know what i mean, even if you don't.

I think you'd all feel better if you moved to Australia

Mmm. I think it is helpful. People close to you in RL don't have the distance to suggest really big changes.

I cannot believe anyone has ever left their husband because someone on the internet posted three letters. I don't get why it bothers people so much?

What I do think it does, is to remind everyone that marriages actually aren't something you have to stay in, and that's quite helpful really.

I love how its always suggested OP goes to a spa, whatever her ill or problem. Lol bless

YY NeedaWee: "I found my husband buried up to his balls in my best friend, up against the gas meter. What shall I do?". "Go to a spa for some you time. That'll teach him". NO. A spa is a punishment, not a life affirming, empowering change.

I'm inclined to agree with the OP. I recognise there are sometimes glaringly obvious issues but on one thread I had on here I was told to:

Get a dog
Move abroad
Get a lodger
Go on holiday
Move to London

The problem? Two of my friends had stood me up and I was at a loose end!

will - yes, those are the ones I mean!

There was one a few days ago where the OP was trying to figure out what to do about returning from mat leave. Some of the suggestions were all to do with requalifying, getting a part-time job, moving house etc even though it was glaringly obvious from the OP's posts that none of them were a short-term option for various reasons, and certainly didn't help fix her immediate problem.

Though I guess you're right, sometimes a post is missing the obvious and does need to do something drastic.

LTB is the most used, quite frightening how easily men are vilified on MN whilst women never do anything wrong

Driving and using cleaners are very common as is quit work and be a SAHM if you want as it just needs a little frugality to do it.