to be surprised how regularly posters casually suggest an OP makes a hugely significant or expensive change to their life?

[Thurlow]

Not sure if I've managed to word that title well!

This one has been bugging me for a while. An OP has a problem, maybe with work, or timings, or travel or something. Most posters come up with reasonable suggestions that might help. But there's always someone - and sometimes quite a few people - who suggest a massive change in the OP's life, as if it's something really easy to do.

For example, the ones that stick with me are...

well, obviously you have to learn to drive - as if learning to drive happens over night, and doesn't require time, money and possibly childcare.

you have to move house/out of London - because people can just find the money to move house easily, or wants to move away from their friends and support network.

you should get a new job - this one in particularly, because we all know that that thousands of employers are struggling to fill part-time jobs with child-friendly hours that pay enough to cover childcare too...

I know this is just a chat forum, and that you can ignore any posters and advice you like - but, but, but... Does anyone else get a bit about how casually some posters make suggestions like this?

I think it depends if someone is asking for advice about a long term problem or a specific issue.

When the problem is 'I need to go to X on Weds and I can't get there because of XYZ', then 'learn to drive' on it's own isn't really helpful!

I'm always amazed by the LTB ones, every single relationship problem should result in divorce according to MN!

The problem is, on a more serious note, how ANGRY or at least irate, some posters get when an OP doesn't follow their advice.

I am thinking in particular of LTB here.

A little frugality? Oh dear

OP - I completely get where you're coming from. Work for many isn't just the means to buy nice shoes and handbags, it's the way that we keep a roof over our heads - and with that comes the requirement that the same, or more income will come in after job changes or house moves.

I can understand that life changes do need to be made in many cases, but some posters seem to have no concept of how difficult these life changes can be - recalling one poster who suggested in all seriousness that moving my family of 5 into my parent's garage was an option

Oh yes - and the LTB advice which seems to come regularly ( usually from the same posters) in response to any minor relationship issue does make me smile

I'm glad the OP didn't mention LTB, I think LTB is helpful as it's not meant in the way of leave immediately, but really look and assess what this relationship is doing for/to you. I think I have seen it used inappropriately once. Life is too short for shit relationships and too many people settle for them.

I have been told to learn to drive before. It's frustrating because I would love to learn to drive but I just can't afford to and even if I did I don't have a hope of affording the insurance, it's about 3k for the first year! There is no way on earth we could spare £250 a month (an extra £20 a month would be a stretch!) and that's not counting the cost of road tax, petrol, maintenance on the car etc.

LTB is a whole bigger issue. While I think it can be used too quickly sometimes, it's not something I want to lump in with this.

I'm referring to short-term problems. Or just moving full stop! I seem to see a lot of threads that have issues with London costs and posters always get told to move away, as if that is easy, as if the jobs involved (lets say banking, law, something city related) can just be found in Gloucestershire or something.

Oh, Bertie, I've actually just started explaining why I don't currently drive to anyone who makes comments about it. Normally I just ask then for the £100 a month for regular lessons. Or a time machine, to go back to being 17 again

With LTB, I think posters often do mean literally, leave - and become angry when the OP is still there.

'AIBU to be annoyed DH went out drinking when we have a 6 week old baby?'

Get the locks changed, tell him he is not coming back until he agrees never to go out drinking again.

It's that I'm referring to - behaviour that is so unpleasant and out of all proportion to the offence!

Sorry Thurlow

I agree, "learn to drive" isn't helpful - unless you're going to stump up the thousands it's going to cost of course, buy us a second car, insure and tax it, as there's no way that's happening on our budget. Also, can you guarantee that after spending those thousands, I'd pass the test? No, you can't. Oh, and are you going to babysit while I have my lessons too, cos there's nobody else who's going to!

Oh, god no will, those ones irritate me too! Yes, he's been a bit of a tit. Yes, it's perfectly normal that you are annoyed by it. Yes, get him to make you breakfast in bed or something. But LTB?

Aw, come on. Sometimes it's what's unsaid that prompts the LTB.

Big difference between a bloke being a bit of a tit and overdoing it, and someone being so utterly shit and irresponsible that they piss themselves in the baby's cot or some other horrific thing I've seen posted on here.

The SAHM thing though, I do think it depends what your priorities are. People with far more money than us seem to think I can "afford not to work", when really there are huge sacrifices being made - plus, if I worked, we'd be worse off because the childcare would exceed my earnings. "Get a job" is annoying - yes, very easy in this climate, plus,like I said, we'd be worse off.

But people should learn to drive
Not everyone can, and even if they could, it doesn't mean they could afford to learn, own or run a car.

I'm with you OP, but I would include a lot of the LTB posts too, because they crop up at the slightest argument.

willjusttellyouonething I completely agree about the anger generated towards the OP if she (or he) dares to not immediately action the advice of mumsnet!

It's not just the LTB advice it happens with though, it can be any of the big sweeping changes type of advice, like learning to drive for example. And the rage and ire directed at the poor OP when she dates to suggest why she can't practically follow the advice. Ouch it's painful.

I think some people think they can direct the OPs life and wait for the next good plot twist in the 'make your own adventure story' that is the thread. A distinct lack of respect or empathy for the poster as a person.

YANBU

Get a cleaner! Book a spa weekend! Learn to drive! Like everyone has a fricking money tree in the back garden.

The variations in costs across the country might be why people suggest incredibly expensive things. If you live in a cheaper area then a brief explanation of the OP's circumstances (e.g. two teachers in a 2 bed house, one toddler at CM) might indicate reasonable disposable income. But if they live and work in London (or other expensive area) then they might be struggling to make ends meet.

People make massive assumptions about all sorts of things on MN and there seems to be a vocal minority who think the worst of men which I find sad.

Yes I agree.

Problem: DH doesn't do enough around the house.
MN Solution: Get a cleaner

Cleaners cost about sixty quid a go! I was appalled when my friend told me how much she paid. There's got to be some middle ground between wife doing it all and family budget losing £60

Problem: My DH is useless with the baby and can't even change a nappy without roaring for assistance
MN Solution: Book a spa weekend and leave the lazy bastard to it.

Yeah right I am really going to leave my precious light-of-my-life baby in the hands of someone who can't even change a nappy, for a whole weekend.

Problem: I don't feel sexy any more
MN Solution: Have some wine.

So now I'm pissed and I feel even less sexy.

Problem: Not a problem just a vent - I am really sad and anxious because DH is in hospital 80 miles away and I can't go and see him because I have no childcare and it would be a 7 hour round trip. I know there's nothing I can do but please hold my hand!
MN Solution: There will be an emergency childminder who can take DCS at short notice and they can stay overnight.

So I am anxious already and you now suggest I leave my DCs with a complete stranger for a night?

BalloonSlayer

Or rather, it would be if it weren't so spot on...

Gosh, the LTBs really, really rile some people, don't they....?

I've never seen it thrown out in a non-ironic way for truly petty misdemeanours.

Nobody's saying you have to leave your bastard, so why fret?

And the OP is not going to leave hers, purely on the basis of a thread on Mumsnet. If she does, well, the relationship clearly wasn't worth much to begin with.

But some people just hate it!

"I've been invited to a childfree wedding in Spain"

"No, problem just book a babysitter".

If you haven't got family nearby this would cost you about £500 in childcare alone. Laughable suggestion to 99% of the population.

I don't think 'riled' is the right word....more 'find ridiculous'. When certain posters pop up you just know that their words of 'wisdom' will involve LTB - and they rarely disappoint

learning to drive is such a HUGE skill though

all those women who have a bullying H, they live in the sticks and cant leave even if they want to

I do very occasionally see a ranting thread about OH's that descends into a LTB thread when it isn't really, and sometimes you can actually see the OP being swayed. That worries me occasionally.

You're right, breatheslowly, difference in location probably does make a big difference.

Surely "have some wine" is the solution to most of the problems in life?