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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?

533 replies

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 26/01/2014 10:51

This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:

There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.

There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.

Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.

Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.

My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.

I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.

One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.

I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.

So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 27/01/2014 15:55

very reasonable.

these friends seem really entitled. i'd never impose to that extent and would be so happy to contribute something. very telling that they aren't offering. seems extraordinary.

sallysoubriquet · 27/01/2014 15:55

That's the stuff!!

whois · 27/01/2014 16:03

Right well that's perfect OP

expatinscotland · 27/01/2014 17:32

Well done, you! They were really trying to take the piss, especially the awkward one, sounds like one to drop.

pigletmania · 27/01/2014 17:35

Good on you op, you were clear to them, so it's ok fir rude friend to invite everyone to yours so you have to do all the work, but when it comes to her, she couldn't be arsed, non thank you. I would just remain friends with nice friend.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 27/01/2014 18:12

Good for you Diet, not sure what caused some posters upthread to turn on you Hmm but you've stood your ground with these piss taking mates and it should work out well for you.

Update when possible?

Supercosy · 27/01/2014 18:21

Well done you! The perfect response. Honest and straight forward. Hope they are considerate in their responses to you.

makemineapinot · 27/01/2014 19:44

Have you had any responses yet? It's mind boggling how rude some people can be, just expecting you to provide everything for everybody!!!

GingerBlondecat · 27/01/2014 21:35

Now you are speaking up and being honest

Well Done Flowers

justmyview · 27/01/2014 21:45

I think YABU. Sounds like you agreed to host, didn't tell people you had doubts about it, now trying to offload to someone else & expect her to suck it up

SauvignonBlanche · 27/01/2014 21:51

Hope you get a good response.

LoveWine · 27/01/2014 21:53

Justmyview, the OP agreed to host one dinner, not a full weekend for a bunch of people and their families staying at her house. Why is she being unreasonable for wanting to stick to what she agreed to??

ZenNudist · 27/01/2014 21:56

Good for you setting the boundaries if what works for you. Very generous as well. I hope you aren't expected to supply all booze? If you are I would so undercater & sod em if no one brings a bottle.

Cheeky mare. She's got some front expecting you to clean up an host em all but not do it herself. Make pointed remarks to this effect when yousee her.

Also my dsis used to go through my cupboards and nose in my rooms (mh issues). Dh & I got very on it, followed her around & asked her to stop every time she did it. She isn't nearly as bad now.

Sweetishdelight · 27/01/2014 22:00

You should not have agreed so YABU. Still, they are all coming now so tell them all to bring stuff - one or two on drinks, on nibbles, on desserts, salads, breakfast food for next day etc. and don't do it again!

ButICantaloupe · 27/01/2014 22:08

I think they are being very rude!

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 28/01/2014 00:38

Well, I was hoping my next update would be an 'it all ended well' type of post but despite what I wrote to them last night about sticking to the original plan and them being welcome on Sunday, one friend had messaged the group saying she's coming on Saturday and is asking who else will be coming over. She's said she can't bring anything cooked but that she'll bring some drinks and help me out in the kitchen.

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 28/01/2014 00:47

Has she confused Saturday and Sunday? I'd message back saying 'I'm presuming you mean Sunday - drinks and help in the lurched gratefully received thanks!'

If she comes back saying anything to indicate that she is ignoring your message and is planning to come for the weekend it's time to get tough.

YellowDinosaur · 28/01/2014 00:48

Lurched should be kitchen thanks dyac!

Mellowandfruitful · 28/01/2014 00:55

OK, you need to reply as soon as you can to say 'You've got the days the wrong way round - it's Sunday I'm hosting, not Saturday. If you come on Saturday I'll be out at X friend's place!' Don't let any potential for (another) misunderstanding drag on, and don't feel you can't correct a mistake.

aquashiv · 28/01/2014 01:19

Are you sure this isn't a wind up. I just can't imagine friends being this rude

Catsize · 28/01/2014 05:38

OP, can we all come round instead? I do a crackin' cauliflower cheese... Grin

GingerBlondecat · 28/01/2014 05:45

hang on............ how old are these people. ?

have they still got the College drop in mind set ??

Are they renting ? Own their own homes ??

ChasedByBees · 28/01/2014 05:46

'You've got the days the wrong way round - it's Sunday I'm hosting, not Saturday. If you come on Saturday I'll be out at X friend's place!' Don't let any potential for (another) misunderstanding drag on, and don't feel you can't correct a mistake.

Yes this. You need to be really firm and clear that Saturday is off the cards. They are so rude. I think you'll need to be blunt and forthright back. You're already being massively accommodating making food for that many people!

The nerve of someone saying we won't bring deserts because Thediet will make us something awesome - without waiting for you to offer!

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 28/01/2014 05:55

No she isn't confused, she wrote that she's 'staying over' and asked who else is. She's the one who is coming from the furtherest and making a 500 mile round trip so I think she presumes that she's the exception.

I'm a bit more than posses now. I know some of you are saying I should be clear with them but looking back, I think I have been more than once but they're just ignoring it or they're so keen to have this great weekend that they're totally sidelining what I say.

I accepted the request to host once right at the beginning when it was just a dinner and since then it's snowballed into a weekend. I have since told them that my DH is coming home that weekend so it's not ideal. Then I suggested we bring a dish each for one meal instead of expecting me to cook for all. Then I suggested that if everyone really wants to do a weekend instead of just dinner then we stay over at awkward friends house for the night instead of at mine and allow my DH to time to get over jet lag and then when all of that didn't seem to make a difference, I told them that I couldn't host them from Saturday but that they were welcome to come on Sunday for dinner as initially planned. Despite this, I get a message saying 'I'm going from Saturday and staying over, and who else is?'

It's not as though I've told them all I'm not hosting a weekend for them at the last minute- the last message I sent was Sunday night which gives them a week to rearrange at someone else's house.

So now, bearing in mind the above, AIBU to cancel on them completely and say 'look all, really sorry but I don't think I can put you all up for the night and you all obviously want a whole weekend away instead of just the dinner that I originally agreed to, so unless anyone else wants to host, I'm going to have to cancel the reunion at mine and you can make arrangements for somewhere else instead.'

OP posts:
GingerBlondecat · 28/01/2014 06:01

YES YES YES Cancel

Say this is NOT what I agreed to in the beginning and either it goes back to a simple Sunday evening dinner, it is Cancelled