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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?

533 replies

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 26/01/2014 10:51

This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:

There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.

There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.

Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.

Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.

My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.

I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.

One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.

I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.

So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 27/01/2014 08:02

The problem with that approach is that you'll look like a twat as it's very easy to look through all the messages and see that awkward didn't agree to have it at hers. And rather than being totally reasonable for not wanting the piss taken out of you you'll look like the unreasonable awkward one yourself ruining everyone's weekend at short notice.

Do that of you want. Imho far easier to be honest with them about what you're up for and what you're not. I'd understanding you not wanting to have this conversation in person with a big group. But it's one message. Send it, then you can put it behind you and not spend the week worrying about it.

Pippilangstrompe · 27/01/2014 08:03

I wouldn't wait until someone says something now. I'd send another message with the new plan on it, just to make it clear to everyone. If you say nothing, I think you could risk no reply until right before the event, everyone saying that the didn't realise the plans had changed and then you are stuck with it.

nauticant · 27/01/2014 08:18

Your approach is fine OP. So long as you keep in your mind that there's an absolute limit to the extent of hosting you're willing to provide, an approach of softly softly rather than HULK SMASH can also work.

sallysoubriquet · 27/01/2014 08:28

I absolutely agree with Pippi and Dinosaur

Doing what you now plan to do really will be seen as awkward and aggressive even though I absolutely understand that's not your intention.

I'm going to leave it at that and see how things progress

It's this kind of in-action that got you railroaded in the first place. I really think you need to be honest and upfront now so there is no room for doubt, because let's face it, by being nice and submissive, you have contributed to the doubt.

poopadoop · 27/01/2014 08:39

no no don't lie and lie - just write to them all and say that on reflection, you're sorry but it has all got a bit out of hand in terms of what you're able for, and you now won't be able to have everyone stay at your house. Simples. And suggest alternatives. I wouldn't drag in the difficult one or any of that, waaaay too complicated.. Someone else said it best upthread:
"I should have said no at the time but I think everyone got carried away! Would still love to see everyone though, how about ..... restaurant..... and .....b and b..... for anyone staying over."

pigletmania · 27/01/2014 08:40

I would contact them by e mail, phone again of the revised plans so they knw. Be honest, the message that the rude friend sent would be obvious to others that it's her tats putting this onto op due to her large house, great cooking. I don't think the rest would be surprised if you held your hands up and were honest, and to,d them that this is going to be difficult for you, you don't mind hosting Sunday if everybody would like to come to your for lunch, but feel that hosting the whie weekend would be too stressful.

Supercosy · 27/01/2014 08:47

Aaaaargh, just wrote a really long response and deleted it! Anyway, please be more upfront. They are taking the piss and there is nothing wrong with you saying so. It doesn't sound as if any of THEM would offer what you have had foisted upon you so why should you feel bad. It started as dinner at yours and has now become a full blown mini break!

I would be completely upfront and straight about it "Hi All, much as I'm keen to see you all this has ballooned from the Saturday night dinner at mine to a massive whole weekend affair.....sort of without much input from me and my family! Sorry but I can't cope with everyone for that length of time and am feeling a bit put upon. Please come for dinner on Sunday if you would still like to if not I will understand"

I don't think it's too late to back out completely if you want to. It's not as if any of them have booked hotels.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 27/01/2014 09:22

Do what supercosy suggests!

pussycatdoll · 27/01/2014 09:41

It's too late
Op has ignored all The advice given & gone her own way & invited everyone to someone else's house which The gobby friend will never agree too

cingolimama · 27/01/2014 10:10

Really OP, can you not be straightforward with these people? This tactic of "oh I'll just see how things progress" is rubbish and frankly, immature. These friends of yours may be grabby, rude, entitled blah blah blah, but it seems that, at some level, you prefer your victimhood to actually speaking your mind clearly and solving the problem.

I don't wish to be mean, but I find your approach exasperating.

Divinity · 27/01/2014 10:18

I agree that you will look the unreasonable one despite that you aren't. Divide and conquer. Phone the nice out of town friend, see what she has to say and offer to put her + her family up only (if that's what you want). Then ring rest and explain you can't put them up but offer the Sunday dinner. Finally message gobby to what is going to happen.

pussycatdoll · 27/01/2014 10:23

I don't wish to be mean, but I find your approach exasperating

Totally agree
It's like you're enjoying the drama & gleefully anticipating a big snipe fest with loud friend

PfftTheMagicDraco · 27/01/2014 10:25

So you invited everyone else to someone elses house, the exact approach which got you so annoyed in the first place when someone else did it to you?

Fracking hell, woman. Just say no, or host them. Dont make such a massive drama out of it.

pigletmania · 27/01/2014 12:07

Op you only have yourself to blame then! There were loadsof extremely helpful suggestions on here that you could have used as your get out card

whois · 27/01/2014 12:31

I agree that OP has now behaved poorly. You could have said no totally, you could have scaled down the event to just lunch, you could have booked a table in a pub somewhere and done no catering.

Instead you've invited everyone to someone else's house, and you're just 'waiting'. You sound as bad as your friends to be honest, you all deserve each other!

nauticant · 27/01/2014 12:34

Gosh, the OP is now the villlain!

See, that's what you get OP if you don't do what people tell you to do.

(Hang on though, isn't that what started the problem in the first place?)

Laura0806 · 27/01/2014 12:42

I understand why the OP has done what she did. Its a little bit passive aggressive but you've done to 'her' what she did to you presumably to make her see how it feels and put her in a position instead of you. I guess this way you will find otu whether she is freeloading or if she says yes you will know she was a bit more genuine. Either way I think you should say that you don't think one person could manage the whole weekend and its fairer to split it or eat out . be interesting to see how she responds

Supercosy · 27/01/2014 12:55

I think your response was completely fair op I just worry that it is a bit wishy washy and that your pushy mate will just ignore your idea along with the others, leaving you in the same position but more resentful than before.

Wuxiapian · 27/01/2014 13:55

Sinking rather low out of desperation now, TheDiet.

You need to grow some balls.

Original poster
TheDietStartsTomorrow · 27/01/2014 15:05

Wow, some of you seem really angry. Hmm

For those who are saying I should have been honest, I was honest from the start. My initial acceptance to have the do at mine was sincere. It was only when it evolved into a weekend with kids and partners and anticipation of me providing lots of meals that I began having doubts. Sure, I didn't express my second thoughts straight away and that was because until I started this thread yesterday, I was still undecided about whether I'd refuse.

Also, for those of you suggesting I'm just as bad because I've done to her what she did to me- If she really thought it was acceptable, she won't have any problem with it, will she? It's fine when I'm ambushed but when I turn the tables then I'm the bad guy am I? Hmm

Anyway, I messaged them last night, before I had read any of the comments since yesterday and asked the awkward friend if she was okay to have us all at hers. She made excuses about having to clean up for everyone and not having time etc, so I said that unless anyone else was okay for us to come to theirs, we could stick with the original plan of coming to mine for dinner only and not the evolved plans of staying at mine for the weekend with me catering for them all. I asked them to come for dinner on Sunday and to arrive after 5pm. I added that they were all welcome to contribute by bringing a dish if they wanted to but if not, I'd cook for all.

As far as I'm concerned now, I've made it clear what I will do without being rude about it. I've told them more than once that it's difficult to cater for them all over the weekend but if they still insist on meeting up for that long, I'll opt out and tell them to arrange it amongst themselves at another friends house. Tbh, I won't feel as though I'm missing out at all.

OP posts:
nauticant · 27/01/2014 15:07

Are you sure you'll be heard over all the baying OP?

shoom · 27/01/2014 15:31

And don't you feel much better now for saying that? Much better than fake reasons, and completely reasonable to put it back to the group. I hope you have a great weekend.

persimmon · 27/01/2014 15:38

Sorry, haven't time to read whole thread. I'd do one of 3 things:

Cancel the whole thing with some kind of excuse.

Say that you can only provide a main course and need them to provide starters, veg, pud and wine and tell them they need to book B+Bs.

Book a big table somewhere and make it very plain that your house is not an option for staying over.

Pippilangstrompe · 27/01/2014 15:43

Sounds good, OP. Let us know what response you get!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 27/01/2014 15:46

Well done!