To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?

[TheDietStartsTomorrow]

This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:

There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.

There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.

Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.

Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.

My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.

I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.

One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.

I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.

So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?

[RenterNomad]

If you need a backstop position, what about a waspish: "Nice of you all to organise this amongst yourselves, without involvement from me or my family! To be quite honest, the more overexcited you all get, the more my heart sinks. Can we take the expectations down a few pegs?"

[Saminthemiddle]

Judging by their reaction when you asked if they could contribute a dish, they seem to all be absolute pushy freeloaders with no regard to you or your family, let alone the cost and time this will cost you.

I recognize these types as I've had a few in my life, but I now say no or if I have been bullied into it ( like it seems you have) then I make excuses later - I would say in your situation for instance that you have thought about the w.e. and have decided it is too much for you with so many people so you wish to cancel or change the venue saying you can all meet for lunch in a child friendly pub and/ or stay in a b&b but at this time you and your DH have made the decision that it is just not possible.

[whatever5]

Do they really all expect you to cook for them? It wouldn't cross my mind that the host would be cooking if they were already putting us up for the night.

I would do breakfast but other than that I would let them all know subtly that they will be eating out by asking them what type of food they would prefer for lunch evening meal etc (Indian, Chinese etc). Then book the restaurants.

[Pippilangstrompe]

If awkward friend says no, then say something along the lines of that that is a real shame because the more you considered the weekend, the more you realised it was just too much for you what with everything else you have going on, and that staying at the af's house seemed like the perfect solution so that the weekend could still go ahead much as planned. Then suggest another solution that you would like, including staying in b&bs and eating out.

If they still insist in coming after that, then it is time to get direct and say no, but unless they really are all horrible I bet they won't. Expecting you to cater for so many people for a weekend is really not a reasonable request and I bet that many of them know that. They may have been going along with the plans because they think you are ok with it as you have been saying yes. If they are decent people, they will understand and accept the new plan.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Make sure that you then don't get into the knotty problem of who will pay or evening meals, lunches out - if you don't want to do that, then make sure it's very, very clear that each family will pay for their own 'out of home' meals because your 'group' seems to be quite happy to let you foot the bill for it all.

[expatinscotland]

'Just to be clear, we cannot have everyone here overnight. It's too much with DH just getting home, so dinner on Sunday it is!'

They hot back with anything other than support, they are pis staking freeloaders.

[expatinscotland]

Very simple. You are doing Sunday dinner. The rest is their own lookout.

[Mellowandfruitful]

For any future meetups, definitely ditch this idea you will be catering to them morning, noon and night. There must be places you could go out to for breakfast - take them there, don't feel obliged to cater. Same for lunch and dinner, or get a takeaway. Definitely be prepared for all this in future.

[ZenNudist]

Why agree in the first place? I'd just say no straight off the bat. It's odd to agree then decline.

However, it's also odd to have a group of 'friends' who invite themselves to stay overnight at your place whilst you cater everything. I don't know anyone this rude. I also don't know anyone rude enough to decline to bring anything to a gathering.

I can see you've been railroaded into this. There is still time for damage control. The suggestion of saying that the children have had diarrhoea & vomiting is an option but a bit last minute. Or saying 'sorry I forgot that weekend won't work for dh due to work commitments (repeat what you say about him not wanting to get home from a week away to houseful of guests).' Or just saying look this is out of hand. I've now done x number of entertaining everyone and its all getting too much for me in top of full time work, dh away all week so doing all childcare. Tell them someone needs to take a turn or find a plan that doesn't pressure one individual to entertain everyone else.

If you still want to maintain contact then you could then suggest alternative plan. Suggest reducing numbers to just uni people, partners stay at home with dc. Suggest mutually convenient location where you can have a boozy meal out and drinks plus stay in hotels to catch up. If everyone wants to do partners & dc then find a good activity (difficult if children are different ages) and do that by day with tea time meal & everyone make their own plans after that.

Be honest rather than agreeing to be a doormat then resenting it. Otherwise you only have yourself to blame. Take control!

[bodygoingsouth]

oh good grief, absolutely no way. just cancel due to Diaghilev and horrendous vomiting and then let someone else sort out the next meet up.

if your not that bothered seeing them then just take a back seat.

I killed off my old auntie once to stop a dinner party and my dm had a mini stroke to stop going to a New Year's Eve party.

you need to lie and lie op.

[YellowDinosaur]

Cheeky bastards, those refusing to bring anything. On your way somewhere else? Fine, just bring a couple of bottles of wine and a treat made desert / Starter / some packets of bacon and bread. Freeloading cheeky cunts.

Time for a cards on the table chat along the lines of 'when I offered my house for the reunion I'd presumed we'd all muck in for the food. I simply don't have the time or finances to cater for you all for the whole weekend, nor the room to put up 6 families. I'll book a table for a family lunch at X pub. If you want to make a weekend of it here are some numbers for nearby b and B's and we need to agree who is bringing what for dinner'

[CoffeeTea103]

I think you were ridiculous in the first place to go along with this. Who actually just says yes immediately to such a big ask without even having a think about it.

[YellowDinosaur]

That's a bit harsh coffee. Have you honestly never been in the situation where you've got a bit carried away with other people's excitement? Coupled with a couple of glasses of wine in the tank?

Regardless they are piss takers as made obvious by their refusal to bring anything. Time to state your conditions or cancel

[bodygoingsouth]

you must have some old relatives you can kill off op? just make one up!

[phantomnamechanger]

I can't wait for the AIBU from one of the "friends" - are you absolutely sure, OP, that none of them are on here......because there can't be many people in your shoes right now!

[ravenAK]

Is it possible that prime mover/bitch friend really, really DOESN'T like you & is finding all this hugely amusing?!

Just I have a 'friend' from Uni days who, I am uncomfortably aware, has never forgiven me for a bloke-related incident 20 years ago. Both of us put a game face on it for the sake of the rest of our friendship group, but I'd hate to be roped to her if we ever went potholing, put it that way! .

The pushiness does seem a bit OTT unless she's actually enjoying watching you squirm. Apologies if this is totally off the mark!

[winkywinkola]

God they sound dreadful!

[kerala]

We had similar reunion last weekend but had to pay for accommodation. 6 families accomm and food for weekend equals £350 per family. You are subbing them for an eye watering amount.

[cat88]

Have you heard anything back from the gobby friend then op?

[Thumbwitch]

I hope it works out for you Diet - what I mean is I hope that gobby friend doesn't tell everyone else just to turn up to yours after all. Have you emailed them all? I would email them all again just to be clear that Hotel Diet is not an option on the Saturday, but Restaurant Diet will be open for business on Sunday lunchtime; and the Hotel Gobby is the new venue for Saturday night/Sunday morning.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Lurks.

[TheDietStartsTomorrow]

They've all gone quiet now. I decided not to say anything else until someone does so I'm holding off for the time being. The last messages on the whatsapp group were the ones exchanged between awkward/gobby friend and me where I suggested we go to hers and her making excuses. I'm going to leave it at that and see how things progress. If everyone just leaves it till the last minute I'll just say 'I thought we were now going to Awkward one's house.'

Coffee the reason I initially agreed was because it didn't start off as such a big plan. I thought they'd come for dinner and that would be it. It was only afterwards that if began snowballing into a weekend stay with kids and few partners too. And they only starting making jokey references to what they expected from me afterwards. Initially, one if them had mentioned coming to mine for dinner and then all of them going out for desserts. Then another friend said 'no, no, TheDiet will do desserts for us because her desserts are just awesome!' Things kept building up until I realised it was going to be a lot of hard work. It was only when they started to show reluctance to chip in that I started feeling resentful. Initially, it didn't seem so bad.

raven, Gobby friend has alway been one of my least liked 'friends'. Some years ago we were close until I realised her friendship was not something that brought me any joy or benefit in my life. In fact, it was making me bitter. I cooled the friendship but I know it's always been upsetting for her. She's always shown eagerness to build a close relationship again but I can't deal with many of her issues so haven't really given her the chance.

[Aussiemum78]

Do they all live close except for the "nicer" friend?

I'd offer to host the out of town friend but say you don't have enough beds for all. Just call out the brash one and say I can't sleep that many people brash. Do one meal. Organise breakfast out the next morning.

I like entertaining but I can't handle lots of people for more than half a day.

Do you think nice friend knows how rude the others are? Maybe a private chat with her?

[Onesie]

I know there's been a lot if water under the bridge but is it worth splitting the food so that you all provide a course of food

[Catsize]

The husband/imaginary dead relative excuses will just lead to postponement, not cancellation.
Interested to see how this develops. Sounds like a warped version of the film Peter's Friends.
What did you all study by the way?