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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?

533 replies

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 26/01/2014 10:51

This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:

There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.

There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.

Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.

Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.

My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.

I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.

One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.

I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.

So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?

OP posts:
nilbyname · 28/01/2014 22:36

Blimey, they sound like a thick skinned lot,poor you, hope you can still enjoy the reunion!

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/01/2014 22:37

I hope you are not being expected to pay for that room Diet?

To be honest, I still refer you to my first response, to cancel, post some links to b&bs, recommend a pub and step away from it all. Then you are not subsidising the whole lot of them eating a massive meal at yours.

Littlegreyauditor · 28/01/2014 22:38

Nicely done OP. Stand firm.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/01/2014 22:41

This whatsapp sounds completely shite. Does it only shows random messages, not all of them? It's the only expanation other than your uni friends are a bunch of selfish fuckers.

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 28/01/2014 22:44

I know I could cancel completely but I'm not too sure I could do that. We all have times when we grin and bear situations, don't we? Or is it just me? Hmm.

I've learnt a lot about myself through this process. I generally have a tendency to sit back and see how a situation unfolds before I say something. I'm a thinker and tend to take my time making decisions. Although that prevents me from making a lot of rash decisions, at times, it also works at a disadvantage like here. This time, thinking it over made things worse because it meant the plans changed in the meantime.

I've also realised that I'm not too comfortable with lying and I'm no good at making excuses. I tried many a time to use some of the excuses offered here and just make something up but I don't think I could live with that.

I've also realised that I'm a wimp and need to grow a backbone Grin as so many of you have told me. It really is so much difficult to tell others to do than do yourself. I remember the thread about an MNer asking how to deal with a situation where her sister was asking her to pay £36 to come to hers for Christmas dinner. At that time I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just refuse to go and told her so, but after being in the this predicament myself, I've realised it's easier said than done.

OP posts:
WhoDat · 28/01/2014 22:45

They have the hides of elephants! Well, sounds a lot better but sheesh, lot of work to get there. Will eat my hat if they all turn up with dishes ODs on similes

jumperooo · 28/01/2014 22:46

Is this for real? Just cancel the whole thing, it sounds ridiculous, you don't even like them?!

ohfourfoxache · 28/01/2014 22:49

Cancel. Seriously.

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 28/01/2014 22:51

I definitely won't be paying for the B&B. I don't think she'd expect me to either tbh.

OP posts:
WhoDat · 28/01/2014 22:53

No you don't need to cancel, I understand that and I wouldn't either. Especially as there's one friend you are fond of in the group, and if they're all brining dishes you can relax significantly and enjoy them. I would however find a way to shut off all rooms I wouldn't want anyone nosing about in. I have a friend who has a SIL who has similar previous and eventually she got zip ties and would "secure" certain sites before she descended Grin

TenCupsOfTea · 28/01/2014 22:56

I would still go with D&V .....

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/01/2014 22:57

It really isn't so hard once you stop being a doormat.

You just say 'no can do folks, let's come up with alternatives'.
Or
'I'd love to but that's doesn't work for me' (in this case, as husband is straight back from a long haul trip).
Or
'Insert a reason of your choice depending on what the situation is'.
Or
'I can only do this if everyone brings a dish, I'm not running a food bank people, so choose your dish'.

Once you start, it really is much easier to say no.

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 28/01/2014 22:57

I don't think I realised how selfish they were all being until you all pointed it out to me. I'm definitely going to delete myself from the whatsapp group after this weekend. I can't be arsed with them any more. They're not all bad, but this time they really are just using me.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 28/01/2014 22:59

Yes they are...I'd be deleting myself before this weekend! And save yourself the hassle.

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 28/01/2014 22:59

Shall I show them this thread after we've all had dinner Wink? Oh, wouldn't that be a great after dinner conversation!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/01/2014 23:04

I feel sorry for you. But equally I am just boggling at your friends. Who does this? Especially people with partners and children to transport and sleep over and what not?

Who invites themselves to stay at someone else's house? You have to be invited. Those are the rules. Surely everyone understands that! I mean this I asked someone else to come forward and offer their house and two of them did. But they said they'd prefer it at mine. is just Beyond.The.Pale.

You are much nicer than me! I would have told them to Kindly Go Elsewhere a long time ago!

TheseAreTheJokesFolks · 28/01/2014 23:04

yep! The ambassador eez spoiling us with her ferrero rocher pyramide and zut alors what eez this printout from le net de mums? WABU? We are? Well i ave never bin so insulted in all ma life - cue flounce and huge pocketing of free chocolate. Wink

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/01/2014 23:07

Again, show them before you start cooking if you really wants to change the way you do things. Why spend all that time and effort and upset them afterwards once they have eaten? Do it before (if you are going to do it at all) and save yourself the effort.

Doha · 28/01/2014 23:09

I don't think this is the end of it yet !!!!
May be better to be out on Saturday as they may yet turn up l fear

Doha · 28/01/2014 23:10

sorry.. sounding more like Yoda every day Grin

jumperooo · 28/01/2014 23:14

I don't really understand what they would want to use you for though. Fair enough if you were all childless and fancy free it might be considered a big piss up and free accomodation for a weekend away. But if you all have kids and spouses to take with you, why would anyone want to be cramped in someone's house, with no peace or privacy ,surrounded by a load of other people and their kids. Weird. It doesn't seem appealing to me?!

TheseAreTheJokesFolks · 28/01/2014 23:14

Seriously YANBU and I feel for you. However just one teeny thing...
if it is meant to be a reunion with much frivolity laughter and drinking at your expense then i can see how it snowballed into a let's stay over debacle. Still think cheeky gits. That said a dinner ona Sunday/school night arriving at/after 5pm?
totally see why you have said/done that - it means you are not catering from noon til midnight done that seething it sets clear boundaries and the tone i.e. sunday night shortish meal and catch-up and earlier end rather than a piss-up.
If I had 500 miles to drive back home though unless I was staying in b and b til Monday and making a weekend of it with dp then I cannot imagine on a Sunday with traffic etc wanting to head back later than five.
Even leaving at eight would screw me over if I lived that far away.
If local then yes from five to eat at 6 then leave around 9-9.30? BUT i am lazy and Sundays I like to recover from any plans not start them so late.
If they do get together on Sat and are hungover Sunday then aside from a meet up at a hair of the dog pub lunch I can't see them wanting several courses from 5 if not within an easy radius.
Or is that your cunning plan and I am missing the point entirely?!

TheseAreTheJokesFolks · 28/01/2014 23:18

Forgot about the kids. Hmm Confused maybe they were hoping the kids could all locate into a room after some food and play wii or something whilst they got legless pretending the kids were fine and looked after cos safety in numbers?! Depends on age of kids I guess.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 28/01/2014 23:24

You don't need a backbone, you just need a few stock phrases that you can trot out guilt free.

For instance, I have a work colleague that sees themselves as quite the schemer. I say 'let's have an offline discussion about that' rather than agree to harebrained scheme meant to impress. It sounds a bit wanky but it works.

It's OK to give yourself thinking time. A simple 'let me think about that and get back to you' is fine. So is 'no I don't fancy hosting for everyone' or 'that won't work for me'.

MintyChops · 28/01/2014 23:49

Well done, especially for not obsessively checking your phone all day . Hope it goes well and enjoy deleting yourself from the what's shite app thing....

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