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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?

533 replies

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 26/01/2014 10:51

This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:

There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.

There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.

Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.

Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.

My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.

I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.

One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.

I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.

So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?

OP posts:
sallysoubriquet · 28/01/2014 11:16

Sorry OP, you've gone back to being the villain again. I can't keep up!

I thought that Nauticant based on Littlegrey's post but then I thought, no it's just tough love. Grin

Having said that, it really seems to me now that Diet has spelt it out in words of one syllable but her 'friends' appear to be as Littlegrey said, determined freeloaders. Selective deafness is a major symptom

Littlegreyauditor · 28/01/2014 11:17

Villain how? Not being able to stand up for yourself does not make you the villain. I'm not sure where you are getting that from.

Littlegreyauditor · 28/01/2014 11:40

I may be blunt but it has been fannying about trying not to upset people that has resulted in the whole mess to start with.

There are people out there who will use a persons good nature against them, assuming kindness is weakness and abusing good manners.

I have had years of experience of this. I was always the one going out of my way to drive people home, help people out, lend people money, swap shifts and generally behave in a way that is helpful. Do you know what? It gets you nowhere. People assume they can wipe their feet on you and if, god forbid, you ever turn round and say "no" you are the absolute worst in the world.

For a certain type of freeloading bastard person someone who tries to be nice, genuine and helpful only makes them think "what else can I have?".

I am good at spotting them now Grin.

The only way to bounce them back into their box is to be blunt to the power of 1000. You can try and dress it up, all nicely like "that doesn't work for me" but really I have found that ultra blunt is much more effective and stops the inevitable "but what if" round of negotiations.

I don't think the OP is in the wrong at all, but I do think she has backed herself into a corner with a pattern of compliance and she will find history repeating itself until the resentment just explodes all over the carpet.

Sorry if I gave the impression that I though OP was the villain of the piece. I can do tact and subtlety, honestly, but 99 times out of 100 it is just a whole lot more effort for exponentially less effectivity.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/01/2014 11:40

You should have replied; Erm, no one else is coming on Saturday' and leave it at that.

TyrannosaurusBex · 28/01/2014 12:03

But the OP stated in her, erm, OP "we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house and I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse."

How was that being upfront and honest from the start? OP, you sound like hard work. You state that you have already fallen out and made up with several of these friends, you expect somebody to make a 500 mile trip to come for one meal, you say that the 'friend' you don't like (??) tries to build a better relationship and you rebuff her and you have used passive aggression to try to get out of your commitments.

I had a lot of sympathy at the start, but I'm beginning to think this is a long stealth boast about your 'posh six-bedroomed house' and 'lovely' cooking. I think you should cancel. They are not your friends and you are no kind of a friend to them, that's for sure.

SpottyDottie · 28/01/2014 17:06

I would contact them all and say ' I'm sorry I can't do this! There are lots of you, not one has offered to help me prepare or bring food or drink over and the more I think about it, you are all taking the piss!' Or words to that effect.

If you are thinking of distancing yourself from them anyway, why are you worrying about what they think???

Pheasant32 · 28/01/2014 17:24

I for one cannot WAIT to see what happens at the weekend! I've never experienced friends like this so I don't really have any advice other than saying that I would be seriously annoyed if a mass of people just decided they were going to descend on me with no real invitation to do so.

OP - I really hope for your sake that it turns out to be as easy as possible for you. It's beginning to seem like you may as well just let them all pile in then lock yourself and DH in your bedroom with a few decent bottles of wine and let them all get on with it :)

poopadoop · 28/01/2014 17:29

OP sounds like you've got into a tizz at this latest message - it is just one message, maybe she hasn't seen yours. Just message them all again, and say -

I'm a bit concerned that you may not have seen my message saying I realised that I can't have anyone stay over in my house, but you're all welcome to come for dinner on Sunday. Please let me know if you will or won't be able to come by tomorrow evening so I have an idea of numbers. And if anyone would like to come along a bit early to give me a hand, that would be great. Thanks - and please note again I simply can't have anyone to stay

Thetallesttower · 28/01/2014 17:44

I think poopadoops message is spot on, then it's all very clear, you may find only a few come on Sun but this could be nicer anyway.

But do clarify, again.

AllOverIt · 28/01/2014 17:46

Any update OP?

SauvignonBlanche · 28/01/2014 17:54

I think you'd be better off phoning.

MintyChops · 28/01/2014 18:14

Did you respond to 500 Mile Away Friend, OP? Hope you can get them all to understand with minimal hassle/ further upset to you.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2014 18:16

Just cancel the whole thing. You have a family emergency. Any reason. Stop them coming. It is causing you stress and you don't want them. It's your house. And next time say no. Personally, I wouldn't go along with a compromise of just providing a meal. But if you want to that's fine.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/01/2014 19:25

I can see that it wouldbe a bit much to cater for so many ppl.
But i can't believe anyone, least of all someone with the available space, would expect a friend to make 500 mile round trip for one meal.
What are you cooking for them? Swans in unicorn gravy?

Balaboosta · 28/01/2014 20:36

they had taken advantage of my acceptance to host

Meaning you seemed to have invited them and they said they'd come. I'll bear this in mind next time I accept someone's invitation...

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/01/2014 21:00

I agree with some of the others that you should just cancel. Fake illness or whatever. I can see that you feel backed into a corner. It doesn't seem worth the stress.
but maybe try to not make future disingenuous offers to "friends" in order to avoid a similar debacle.

poopadoop · 28/01/2014 21:05

Don't fake, and don't cancel, just admit you made a mistake and got carried away. And then don't seethe and vent, just take responsibility for not getting into a situation like this again! I think it all sounds crazy, but also that you sort of offered/accepted, so just be strong, and stick to what you're able for

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/01/2014 22:16

TheRealAmandaClarke, OP had posted (Sun 26-Jan-14 12:58:05) that she had offered to put up the friend with the 500 mile round trip - "She's actually the nicest one of the lot so when she asked for hotel suggestions I suggested that I'd make space for her only. The rest just decided amongst themselves after that that they'd stay too."

Balaboosta, OP was railroaded into accepted hosting dinner. Her 'friends' then decided, without the OP inviting them to do so, that they were staying at her house for the weekend. That is taking advantage. Presumably when you accept an invitation to dinner, you don't expect to stay over the whole weekend?

poopadoop, the OP was not the one who got "carried away" ; that was her gobby friend who sounds as if she delights in dropping OP right in it and the rest of this freeloading group.

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 28/01/2014 22:20

Littlegreyauditor I admit, I agreed to have them over but then changed my mind when the plans changed. Maybe I should have spoken up earlier but it was all wishy washy on the chat. There was a lot of ;shall we, shan't we, are you going, I'll go if you go' type of thing and I thought I wouldn't have to refuse if they just decided not to come. I have learnt though that these people need it spelling out and with the benefit of hindsight it's all to easy to say I was wrong. But as I said, now I know.

Tyrannasarus You sound like one of my so-called, soon-to-be-ex friends? Are you sure you're not one of them? Where did I write that I expect her to make a 500 mile round trip to come for dinner? She wants to come; I'm just offering her a place to stay. And if you really think I'm boasting then I have nothing more to say to you. I may cook and have a big house, but I've worked bloody well hard to earn it and still do. Don't worry too much, although she described it as 'posh' there's absolutely nothing posh about it. My walls a grubby with children's fingerprints and it's all ikea and ebay. So, please, do put that green monster to rest for the day.

OP posts:
Pinkspottyegg · 28/01/2014 22:21

Give the OP a break. She has got herself into a situation and is looking for best way out. I don't think she's in anyway boasting about her big house or fancy cooking. It was her 'friend' who initially made those comments to justify why they all would land on her doorstep for the weekend

winkywinkola · 28/01/2014 22:22

Sounds like you're all forensics discussing a crime scene!

nilbyname · 28/01/2014 22:28

Sorry, shameless place marking.

Littlegreyauditor · 28/01/2014 22:32

It's not too late OP, you can still say no as long as you make sure they understand that no is being said and meant Wink

WhoDat · 28/01/2014 22:33

thediet stop worrying about the two or three posters who are snarking for the sake of it, send the cancellation text and get back on here with the responses Grin Dollars to donuts it'll be radio silence whilst they all have a right good bitch about you behind your back. You're well shot!

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 28/01/2014 22:33

Anyway, update for today:

After last nights messages where I told them I was happy to stick with the original plan and host dinner only I messaged again clarifying that I couldn't do Saturday and that they were to decide if they were coming to mine for one meal or if they would rather have a weekend at someone else's house. I then put the phone away whilst I was at work.

I checked my whatsapp messages again briefly after work and they were still talking about the same thing but this time asking me if my DH would mind having everyone over. I was exasperated at this point and reminded them that I had already told them that Saturday was not convenient. I said I had mentioned it more than once and that they should just scroll up and read what I had written previously instead of asking me the same things over and over again today in the hope that I would change my mind.

I asked someone else to come forward and offer their house and two of them did. But they said they'd prefer it at mine. So I told them I'd book a room at a B&B for the 500mile friend and her family and that I'd see the rest on Sunday and they could all bring a dish each. Everyone finally seems to agree on that, so I'm hoping that's the end of it.

OP posts: