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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?

533 replies

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 26/01/2014 10:51

This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:

There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.

There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.

Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.

Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.

My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.

I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.

One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.

I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.

So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/01/2014 08:19

Hotel/bb, If it's a problem she does not have to attend

pigletmania · 28/01/2014 08:19

Exactly pots they can stay with goby friend

sallysoubriquet · 28/01/2014 08:22

I know some of you are saying I should be clear with them but looking back, I think I have been more than once but they're just ignoring it or they're so keen to have this great weekend that they're totally sidelining what I say

You are absolutely right and I for one totally underestimated what cheeky wenches your friends are.

So no no no you would NOT be umnreasonable to do as you suggest in your last para Diet and if it weren't for the fact that your DH will just have come home I would suggest you go away yourselves at the weekend!

Cake Cake Cake

expatinscotland · 28/01/2014 08:30

CANCEL IT! The entire thing. Exactly as you wrote in your last update. They are being incredibly rude. I'd dump the entire group, tbh. They don't listen to you, just want a free weekend away and you to cater.

Just no. What pisstakers.

Grennie · 28/01/2014 08:30

I don't think you can pull out at this stage without it affecting friendships. I think you do need to do it, but change the expectations around food and you cooking.

thegreylady · 28/01/2014 08:32

You originally said that most distant friend could stay with you then others leapt on bandwagon. I think you would be ungracious to take back invitation for that one and her family (if any) but stand firm on the rest.
Message that friend personally and explain that it will only be her staying with you. Then host the loveliest meal you can on the Sunday. Relax and enjoy :)

expatinscotland · 28/01/2014 08:35

You can do whatever the hell you like. This is YOUR home and life. You owe the, nothing and don't even like them (not hard to see why).

Plenty easy to cancel the whole thing.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 28/01/2014 08:39

I do think long distance friend might have misunderstood - is it worth giving her a call?

nauticant · 28/01/2014 08:42

Do what you want OP. If the distant friend, although nice, is operating as a Trojan Horse enabling the rest of them to get into your house without being invited, then you're at liberty to rescind the invitation to her. Sod them going all sulky on you.

In my experience, greater damage is caused in friendships by the reasonable person being forced to do something they don't want in order to keep the peace than the reasonable person standing firm and letting others decide whether they can be flexible enough to not always get their own way.

ssd · 28/01/2014 08:48

agree with expat

Pinkspottyegg · 28/01/2014 08:49

How hellish. They've taken over without so much as an offering to help. Not friends I'd want to hang on to. Book a pub and tell them DH has the norovirus so they have to stay in a Travel Lodge. Where would they all sleep anyway? If they don't like that they they can eff off.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/01/2014 09:00

Gatherings like this are what Centerparcs is for.

Lottapianos · 28/01/2014 09:04

The absolute cheek of some people is breathtaking. I would cancel the whole damn thing OP and let them sort themselves out. And then be bery busy and impossible to pin down.....forever. And please ignore the pasting you've had from some on here - standing up to wildly entitled bullies like this lot is not easy when you're not like them. It does get easier with practice though!

PavlovtheCat · 28/01/2014 09:10

OP, not being unreasonable at all to cancel completely. Just a simple email will do. 'i am no longer able to host dinner. I have already said I can't host from Saturday so you should have made alternative arrangements anyway, please arrange your sunday dinner arrangements as well. Apparantly the far side of fuck does nice sunday lunches. How about you all go there.'

SkinnybitchWannabe · 28/01/2014 09:11

Yaddddnbu. Cancel the lot of them then have a lovely weekend with your family.
Im amazed by the balls of some people! Cheeky cheeky feckers.

Headlikeafuckingorange · 28/01/2014 09:17

I am staggered by their rudeness and sense of entitlement. If it was me I would want to bloody cancel the whole thing now.

Definitely reply and check if she has got the days mixed up, but if they all continue to ignore you then cancel. It's not so much the long distance friend assuming she is still welcome to stay over, but the fact that she asked who else is as well and completely ignoring what you said!

Quinteszilla · 28/01/2014 09:21

Why not just email them and say that you were perfectly happy to host a dinner for 7 people, their partners and children at a stretch, but this has snowballed into a weekend trip, and that you are not happy to host this amount of people for the weekend. You feel you have not been listened to, and have instead been sidelined as the person with no say in events, despite being the assumed host.

Catsize · 28/01/2014 09:23

If anyone replies 'yes, I am staying over too', ask them where they are staying, and say something like 'I hope it's not the X hotel, as it is a bit dodge, but you will have seen on Tripadvisor that Y B&B gets good ratings. Happy to help with finding accommodation. I feel a bit bad for nice friend, who may not have clocked your last message, but the others have caused the situation. Might be worth asking 'can I just check who is bringing what please, so I don't buy duplicate dishes'. Still dying to know what you all studied. Not hospitality and catering I guess...
And make sure you are out of the house all Saturday evening!

QueenofallIsee · 28/01/2014 09:35

Pull it and don't feel bad for a second...your precious weekend time should be fun not a chore and you have no obligation to these people

shoom · 28/01/2014 10:04

Your message about "sticking with the original plan, come for dinner after 5pm on Sunday" was clear. Nice, long-distance friend could have contacted you asking if you could help her find accommodation. Her saying "well I'm still staying overnight, who else is?" reads to me as though she is more keen to spend time with the others than with you, but wants you to facilitate that in your lovely big house. It is deliberate misunderstanding. It seems they have all deliberately rail-roaded you from the beginning.

It looks like the broken record technique is required by you whenever you set boundaries, but the group accept straightaway whenever anyone else says anything. Awkward friend didn't have to say "no" more than once, did she? And why aren't they haranguing her about Saturday night?

As an aside, have the others ever fed or otherwise hosted 20+ people in your group? It's a very unusual situation. Unless you in a royal family, surely any potential guests would offer to bring food, drink, or contribute money. And even check if you want spare plates and cutlery! Hosting 20+ people for dinner is already a massively lovely thing to offer. In your situation I'd want to cancel the whole thing too. Have a relaxing saturday with your DH, rather than spending the weekend shopping and chopping veg.

Littlegreyauditor · 28/01/2014 10:08

These are not your friends OP they are people you met.

In future you need to grow a spine and be honest from the start. None of the dissembling, none of the "which story will get me out of this", just the bare, honest truth: "you are absolutely taking the piss, I am not a hotel and I am certainly not bankrolling your big weekend away".

They want you to be mummy OP, to host, to cater, to pay and to clear up afterwards whilst they are cosseted and looked after. Whilst this may be in some small way flattering it is an outrageous presumption and I would have to tell them to fuck off and get over themselves.

Then again, this may be why I don't have as many "friends" as you Wink

nauticant · 28/01/2014 10:19

In future you need to grow a spine and be honest from the start. None of the dissembling

If you read what the OP wrote, you'll see she was honest from the start:

I accepted the request to host once right at the beginning when it was just a dinner and since then it's snowballed into a weekend

justtoomessy · 28/01/2014 10:39

I would just tell them that you are hosting on Sunday and that you a re welcome to have the 500 mile away person to stay but will not be hosting a weekend of guests. However, you are happy to go out on Saturday night to meet up with everyone.

Littlegreyauditor · 28/01/2014 10:55

Yes but it snowballed because she was not honest after the initial suggestion. She agreed to the dinner, they then suggested a weekend and she did not say no, so they assumed it was ok. She did not set out her boundaries clearly and now she is having to make up wee stories to try and get out of something others have planned for her to suit themselves.

Being clear about boundaries would have stopped it all weeks ago.

It sounds to me as if these alleged friends need absolute, precise and very clearly stated limits imposed on them and it also sounds as if they are very used to OP putting up a weak objection and then doing what they want anyway. I doubt this is the first time they have done something like this. I would say they have taken advantage of OP, her generosity and her willingness to inconvenience herself for others since they were at Uni.

That's what I mean by honesty. X works for me, Y does not. Not X works for me, Y doesn't really but I don't want to be a pain so I'll say nothing and hope they forget about it, oh shit they haven't, oh I don't want to do it I'll say my kids are sick, my husband is away, there was an earthquake, a fire, a plague of locusts...bugger, there's 25 people at my door: "hey there, who's for tea?"

It doesn't work with determined freeloaders so you have to spine up and learn to say No with determination, even if you have to cancel at the last minute, even if they go for all out "won't someone think of the children?!" drama.

They are not your friends or they wouldn't be using you like this.

They are not your friends or they would bring food and offer help.

They are not your friends or they would listen to you when you say it doesn't suit.

They are not your friends.

nauticant · 28/01/2014 11:10

Sorry OP, you've gone back to being the villain again. I can't keep up!

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