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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that DSS' homework situation is not working...

100 replies

BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 10:18

DSS is 7, and is with us every weekend, arrives every Friday night after dh takes him to a sports club and then leaves on a Saturday one week and a Sunday the next so it's constantly alternating.

He's in Yr 3 at school so only started there in September. He gets regular HW, English and Maths every week and it's all set online via a website that his teacher can track.

Basically our problem is that dh's exW has asked if we can do all of his HW at ours every week. Initially we were fine with that as DH is a teacher and appreciated the chance to help DSS where needed and also to be able to see how it was being taught to him in school. However over the last few weeks DSS' HW has become harder meaning that he takes more time to do it, on average 2.5 hours in total. We are really finding it hard to get it all done on our "short" weekends as obviously doing it all in one block is totally inappropriate but there's no time on Friday nights after sport and dinner (plus DSS is in no fit state as he's so tired by then) but having to take DSS home after lunch on Saturday with all HW complete is basically wrecking his time with us as he's so stressed about getting it done :( The long weekend isn't much better as we use them to visit family etc so DSS is still quite limited on how long he gets to do his homework and spends what should be "quality time" (I hate that expression!!) with family being all worried about how much he still has left to do.

There's no option of extending his time with us unfortunately and the reason given as to why he doesn't do it at home is that exW's computer isn't fast enough to run the website (there is lots of graphics etc which makes it quite slow and impossible to use if the computer isn't up-to-date). We've given DSS a laptop to use at his mum's house which is definitely fast enough but his mum doesn't agree with sitting in front of a screen for extended periods of time and therefore won't allow him to do that at her house and also feels that he's so busy with school in the week that HW should be done at weekends. I can kind of see her point on all of that but it's hard to get her to realise the impact it's having on DSS at our house - although I hate children having lots of screen time I can't bear to see DSS so upset and stressed at the prospect of not finishing his HW.

Would it be unreasonable for DH to approach the school instead in order to see if there's any alternative, i.e. if they'd accept a print-out of the page instead of an online record? That way he could be doing some in the week with his mum and not spend the weekend glued to the computer and getting all stressy. Any help/advice gratefully received...

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 26/01/2014 10:23

Can't he and his ex wife approach the school together? It seems to me that she's opting out of her responsibilities and trying to set you up as bad cop.

uselessinformation · 26/01/2014 10:25

Don't do the homework as it isn't necessary at primary level, apart from reading. Write to the school and tell them that it is interfering with family life and the things he enjoys in his spare time. Most primary school teachers will agree.

ilovepowerhoop · 26/01/2014 10:26

I disagree with doing homework at the weekends and think it should be done on schooldays so that the weekend can be about relaxing and having a break from school work. We are lucky that dd/ds's school doesnt give weekend homework and gives it out each night rather than all in one go.

Bonsoir · 26/01/2014 10:28

I think that you are being unreasonable if, as I understand, your DSS is his mother's responsibility all week. 2.5 hours of homework is not much responsibility versus every evening after school and the full logistics of the school week.

And, as for filling your weekends with family visits - you need to stop this and rearrange your priorities.

LiegeAndLief · 26/01/2014 10:29

My ds is in Y3 and I think 2.5 hours of homework that all has to be done on a computer is ridiculous. We do reading and times tables for a minimal amount of time (nearly) every day. Apart from that the only set piece of homework is a short worksheet to reinforce something they've done that week, usually takes about 15min.

Does everyone in his year have access to a fast computer? Sounds a bit silly to me, I would discuss with the school. No 7yo should be getting in such a state about homework.

amyshellfish · 26/01/2014 10:29

Maybe he could just be set half the amount? I don't think any more than an hour is reasonable really. My dss is only 5 but sometimes he brings homework plus 2reading books. By the time he had done that is usually taken a couple of hours but it's not every week and his mum does do it with him too. Your dp needs to talk to the ex.

ilovesooty · 26/01/2014 10:29

Also if it's done on weeknights the learning is consolidated leaving the weekend free. I think his mother is taking the piss quite frankly.

Bonsoir · 26/01/2014 10:29

Your DSS is stressed about homework because you and your DH aren't making it enough of a priority.

LiegeAndLief · 26/01/2014 10:31

Also, if his mum is unhappy with the amount of screen time it takes to complete the homework, why is it better if he does it at your house? Just because she can't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening!

ilovepowerhoop · 26/01/2014 10:31

Bonsoir, thats a bit mean. Every second week he is only there from friday night until saturday so to do 2.5hours of homework in that time is hard and obviously impacting on the child and the time he spends with his dad. Why shouldnt they visit family at the weekend? It is not a school day and they have the right to leave the house and not be sat in front of a computer for hours. Surely it would be easier to do a little bit each night rather than in one very long session?

LiegeAndLief · 26/01/2014 10:32

I completely disagree that an entire family's weekend should be structured around a 7yo's homework.

Starballbunny · 26/01/2014 10:34

Bonsoir there is no evidence that primary HW (other than reading improves outcomes at all)

Personally I'd put my foot down and say HW will be done long weekends only. (It is nice to see what DCs are upto), but only if it takes a max of 1hr and write to the school stating this.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 26/01/2014 10:35

Please tell me this is a private school, and DD isn't going to be getting 2.5hrs of homework a week next year? And needing a high-powered PC to do it on?!

lunar1 · 26/01/2014 10:35

Cramming a week of homework into one day is not at all appropriate or what the school will intend to happen. He will develop much better study habits if he does ten mins morning and evening every day.

His mum is being ridiculous if she can't facilitate this. The habit of little and often will really help when he gets further on. It's not good enough just to opt out of homework if it will cause him stress. I think your dh needs to talk this through with her.

Littlefish · 26/01/2014 10:37

Speak to the school. Find out how long it should be taking your dss to do his homework and only do that amount. At year 3, I wouldn't expect him to be doing anything like 2.5 hours, more like 1 hour at the most.

On short weekends, do half his homework and talk to his mum and explain that she needs to to the rest with him.

Chopchopbusybusy · 26/01/2014 10:38

If he's doing 2.5 hours of homework in a week it would be best done as 5 x 30 minute sessions. So 1 or 2 sessions at the weekend with your DH and the rest at his Mum's.
I would question though why a 7 year old would be set that amount if homework. Seems too much to me.

Thetallesttower · 26/01/2014 10:40

In my children's school, there is an IT/computer club most lunchtimes for children who do not have access to computers at home. The school cannot expect you to have a fast new computer, many children don't have computers at all!

2.5 hours is way too much, especially if much time is spend waiting for computer to load/getting frustrated with inputting stuff. His actual learning must be quite small.

I would get your DH to chat again to mum -could he bring the computer he uses at home back for the weekend, as it is fast enough? This seems the most obvious solution. Otherwise, perhaps he could join the computer club at school lunchtimes.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to take charge of the homework on weekends, it depends when it is issued, one of mine only has homework on weekends due back early the next week so that's the obvious time to do it.

Thetallesttower · 26/01/2014 10:42

I've reread- definitely get the fast computer back off mum and keep it at your house for weekend/homework use. This is more important than him playing games in the week plus if the mum is right (and she may be exaggerating) then he's too busy to do that anyway.

funnyvalentine · 26/01/2014 10:42

You could rearrange your weekend to facilitate the homework, and then it'd be fine for a while, but sooner or later something will crop up on a 'short' weekend (or even a 'long' weekend) that means the homework has to be done at his mum's. And the same issues will crop up again.

I'd talk to the teacher and tell them about the technical issues with the website and concerns about screentime (may not have occurred to them and you might not be the only ones facing it). Then find out from your DSS's mum how much HW she'd be willing to facilitate at hers.

MrsKCastle · 26/01/2014 10:42

I can't believe the comments that the OP and her DH need to sort their priorities out. He is 7 and he only sees his dad at weekends. The priority should be having a fun, relaxing time with family. Yes, there should be some learning as well- 20 minutes of reading each day and maybe half an hour of doing the computer tasks. No more. No 7 year old should be stressing about homework.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/01/2014 10:48

Oh ffs he's 7 people. Would have only just started school in most other countries. wtf has he got 2.5 hours of soddin homework. That is beyond a piss take!!! The poor kid has duck all time to see his family and that isn't on. And why the hell is it done in a computer?? WhT happens to the kids who's systems are old and can't cope with it??

Surely it can just be done a little every day. 15/20 mins max.
(Even that's still too much IMO)
I cannot believe 2.5 hours for a 7 year old.:(

Original poster

BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 10:53

Thanks for replies - it is state school. It takes DSS 2.5 hours but I would imagine that it may not take other pupils nearly as much time, unfortunately there is no differentiation so all pupils are expected to succeed at tasks x, y and z no matter how many attempts it takes.

Bonsoir our short weekend currently runs as follows: DSS gets to our house at 7pm after sports with his dad, then has dinner and goes to bed shortly afterwards. Saturday morning he gets up at 8ish, immediately wants to get onto the website. Then has breakfast at 9, then shower/bath, then back onto the website at 10ish and works till 11. Then has about half an hour of playing then another half hour of HW, then lunch and then home immediately after lunch. That just seems like too much to me and the saddest thing is that DSS is the one who is always pestering to get it done, we are actually trying to get him away from the computer but he gets really upset if it's not done :(

The problem with going to the school is that DSS' mum point blank refuses to do so if it's an issue which can be related to the split with dh. Basically she doesn't want DSS to be treated any differently because of it and believes that any adaptations need to be made by DSS' parents as firstly it's not the school's fault and secondly she doesn't want DSS to have his situation highlighted to other pupils. She thinks that he is the only one in his class with split parents. She is re-married as well. Again I can understand this point of view but just really dislike the impact this attitude has on the pressure felt by DSS re homework, hence my suggestion of dh going to the school himself.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/01/2014 10:55

Weekends should be spent seeing family and friends, getting early nights. Having home cooked meals that aren't rushed and can be cooked slowly and enjoyed while sitting down together. It should be spent watching tv all day of that's what the kid wants and needs to wind down and re boot for the week ahead!!

bonsoir what the hell was that comment for. "Priorities" indeed. Why should parents sacrifice sodding every time they have with their kids doing something that's scientifically proven to not help??!!

HmmAnOxfordComma · 26/01/2014 10:59

2.5 hours of homework is ridiculous in yr 3 (on top of reading).

So, barring being able to get him excused from it or it reduced altogether, I think you could reasonably ask dss's Mum to take responsibility for it the weekend you only have him until Sat lunch and you will do it the other weekend when you have him until Sunday. That way you both (all) get to share responsibility for his schooling and get to be equally bad cop/good cop.

She WBVU to argue with this.

TheBuskersDog · 26/01/2014 10:59

I am assuming he is at a private school as in a state school we would not expect year 3 to spend more than an hour on homework a week, if not speak to his teacher and let them know how long it is taking. We would usually give something like a worksheet consolidating what they have done in class for maths, plus some literacy or possibly research relating to the topic they are learning about.
We set homework on Friday to be back by Wednesday, the whole weekend should not revolve around it.

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