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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that DSS' homework situation is not working...

100 replies

BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 10:18

DSS is 7, and is with us every weekend, arrives every Friday night after dh takes him to a sports club and then leaves on a Saturday one week and a Sunday the next so it's constantly alternating.

He's in Yr 3 at school so only started there in September. He gets regular HW, English and Maths every week and it's all set online via a website that his teacher can track.

Basically our problem is that dh's exW has asked if we can do all of his HW at ours every week. Initially we were fine with that as DH is a teacher and appreciated the chance to help DSS where needed and also to be able to see how it was being taught to him in school. However over the last few weeks DSS' HW has become harder meaning that he takes more time to do it, on average 2.5 hours in total. We are really finding it hard to get it all done on our "short" weekends as obviously doing it all in one block is totally inappropriate but there's no time on Friday nights after sport and dinner (plus DSS is in no fit state as he's so tired by then) but having to take DSS home after lunch on Saturday with all HW complete is basically wrecking his time with us as he's so stressed about getting it done :( The long weekend isn't much better as we use them to visit family etc so DSS is still quite limited on how long he gets to do his homework and spends what should be "quality time" (I hate that expression!!) with family being all worried about how much he still has left to do.

There's no option of extending his time with us unfortunately and the reason given as to why he doesn't do it at home is that exW's computer isn't fast enough to run the website (there is lots of graphics etc which makes it quite slow and impossible to use if the computer isn't up-to-date). We've given DSS a laptop to use at his mum's house which is definitely fast enough but his mum doesn't agree with sitting in front of a screen for extended periods of time and therefore won't allow him to do that at her house and also feels that he's so busy with school in the week that HW should be done at weekends. I can kind of see her point on all of that but it's hard to get her to realise the impact it's having on DSS at our house - although I hate children having lots of screen time I can't bear to see DSS so upset and stressed at the prospect of not finishing his HW.

Would it be unreasonable for DH to approach the school instead in order to see if there's any alternative, i.e. if they'd accept a print-out of the page instead of an online record? That way he could be doing some in the week with his mum and not spend the weekend glued to the computer and getting all stressy. Any help/advice gratefully received...

OP posts:

Not4turning · 27/01/2014 03:16

Let's put it this way, if you split up with your husband and the boot was on the other foot, wouldn't you want your child to do, a bit, every day with their new step parent?

Yes, it's bollocks, but as the schools are not really performing as well as they did perhaps 30 years ago, even 10 minutes of Maths and English a day on top of going to school will help the child.

This sounds like you are forgetting about the child and getting arsy because they are not yours.

Forget the timings and put as much energy into your step child's education. They may be the child who you rely on one day when you are old. Kids do remember who ways 'naice' and who put up barriers.

Good luck!

Onesie · 27/01/2014 04:34

We got into a similar situation and decided to put a time limit in the work. 2.5 hours is far too much for any 7 year old!!! A 7 year old should only be doing 20 mins max a week on top of reading books.

The best thing you can do is email his teacher and explain that the homework is taking too long to complete and explain that you are going to set a timer on Saturday mornings and ask how long DS should work for. The teacher will email back a time limit which you can then show DS and ex. Your ex has made this all about DS frustratingly soldiering on and struggling and it's really unfair to pressurise him into completing unsuitable homework. Him being a product of divorced parents is irrelevant. DS's need for a home life balance come first.

I wouldn't agree to pay for a handheld devise until the homework situation is under control - ie) its routine and accepted that DS does only x amount of time weekly.

Onesie · 27/01/2014 04:46

2.5 hours is too much for a 7 year old. He should be doing 20 mins max. It is irrelevant that you have split up.

Can you explain in your email that DS struggles to remember how to do things and that is why the homework takes such a long time. Ask if there is any chance he could be assessed for dyslexia. And in the meantime can they tell you how many minutes he should dedicate to his homework each Saturday (which is the day he does all his homework at present).

Original poster

BinkieWoo · 27/01/2014 07:17

Not4 I think you've misunderstood the post somewhat...I am very concerned for DSS. I help him a lot and am also the one making him take breaks before he gets totally frazzled. We only see him at weekends and when he has a short weekend with us he is forced to do a 2.5 hour stint in a 4.5 hour period of being awake. Sorry if thinking that's unfair and too much makes me a bad step-parent and if you think I should just suck it up and get on with it then I don't think that's fair at all on DSS or me. His mum has refused to do any during the week because it involves a computer and has forbidden dh from speaking to his teacher. I couldn't see what else we could do, hence posting on here.

OP posts:

DrNick · 27/01/2014 07:17

Ring school. Tell then. Why is this hard?

DrNick · 27/01/2014 07:18

This isn't a state school is it?

DrNick · 27/01/2014 07:19

Tell them mum to fuck off

Phone the teacher. It's his kid. Tell teacher mum needn't know. Teachers are used to warring divorcees

Original poster

BinkieWoo · 27/01/2014 07:20

So yes, doing a bit every day would be the ideal solution but it needs all of us to co-operate which isn't happening unfortunately so we are forced to do it all when we have DSS.

Can't remember who posted but we got his eyes checked recently and all was ok, plus his teachers said they saw no indicators of dyslexia whatsoever...that one maybe needs a bit more investigation we think which dh will mention when he approaches the teacher.

OP posts:

DrNick · 27/01/2014 07:21

I bet mum is having a good old laugh tbh. Look. I'm a teacher. This isn't right. Phone school

Tuckshop · 27/01/2014 07:43

You seem to be wanting to make this about what mum will or won't do. Forget it. She can choose to approach this however she likes.

If your dp is truly concerned about this then he needs to contact the teacher.

My ex doesn't involve himself in dd's education at all. Everything is down to me in the time I have her. You just get on with it because that's what is best for the child.

Original poster

BinkieWoo · 27/01/2014 07:46

DrNick we'd already got to that conclusion before your very useful and polite posts. But thanks anyway, that is what we'd decided to do a couple of pages ago which you'd have known if you'd read the thread

OP posts:

Original poster

BinkieWoo · 27/01/2014 07:50

Tuckshop I know that and of course I don't want to get involved in the mum's life and choices. I know I've said that I'm frustrated that those choices impact on DSS and have maybe laboured that point a bit. But ultimately I know it's none of my business, which is why we came to the conclusion that dh needs to approach the school himself about the situation in our house.

OP posts:

MrsKCastle · 27/01/2014 07:52

'You just get on with it because that's what is best for the child.'

I think that's the key, isn't it? And doing 2.5 hours of homework on a Saturday morning, when he won't see his dad for another week is NOT what's best for him. Being unable to relax because he's too stressed about the work (at 7!) is NOT what's best for him.

OP, you can't force his mum to let him work during the week- she will manage her time in the way that she feels is best. You and your DH need to do the same. And that means doing an appropriate level of home learning, and finding a way to reduce his stress. Which means talking to the teacher.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/01/2014 07:55

Actually binkie it is your business. He's in your house, he's 7 and he's distressed.

I don't understand why MN will advise neighbours to step in when they don't even know eachother. But step oarebts are told it's none of their business.

You clearly care and that's a good thing and hopefully he feels loved and supported in both homes.

MrsKCastle · 27/01/2014 07:57

X-posted. That was supposed to be more of a supportive post than it perhaps sounded- agreeing withyou, not bbanging on about something you've already decided to do!

DrNick · 27/01/2014 08:05

If you'd reached that conclusion ages ago why are you all still here?

dayshiftdoris · 27/01/2014 08:07

It was me that suggested an eye test and that he was having issues with his learning...

Can I just point out that there is more to learning difficulties than dyslexia and as a teacher your DH should know that....

yes I am being naive but I am being nice

Your DH needs to contact school (if he has PR) and start asking some questions about this child's school work and put the contact issues to one side

Purplepoodle · 27/01/2014 09:27

Any chance on the short week that he could have come to your after school to do some home work then you could drop him off before bedtime?

Haven't read all the posts but could your dh contact the school and have a chat about his homework load, I would tell his ex wife before hand but he doesn't need her approval to contact the school since you are the ones dealing with all the homework. If the teachers don't realise he is struggling then they can't help.

My OH sounds very similar to ex wife in that he won't touch homework as had an awful time at school. Iv only just managed to get him to start reading stories and our oldest is 6 now. He has no confidence at all and because I have a degree he thinks I should do all that kind of stuff as he will be rubbish at it.

Does his ex work? Does she not have time after school? Any chance her hubby might be willing to help out with the homework situation? If you can get the school perhaps to say he is struggling with homework because it's left until the weekend that might force her to deal with it.

DrNick · 27/01/2014 09:41

An oh who won't read stories? Kick him

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/01/2014 10:16

If this homework was spread over 7 days it would be around 20 minutes per day it is just it is all getting lumped into 1.

Research has shown that even at university level after 45 minutes continuous study it becomes unproductive. So actually it may take less than 20 minutes done ins small bites. Particularly as it seems a mountain when at 7 years old you are faced with doing it all at once.
My DD's school has a lot of computer based homework through school iPads I had to talk to the teachers and explain that ExH did not have broadband so she could not do it there, they asked why had she not said - she is 9 FFS she is embrassed as the assumption is that they all have boradband.

Really if they can your DP and ExW need to meet together with school to discuss how the homework should be structured.

Crowler · 27/01/2014 10:22

I don't understand why your step-son's mother doesn't want to be more involved in the homework. She sounds pretty sensible, I'd arrange a tidy division i.e. spelling at yours and math at hers, rotating monthly or something like that.

Bellebois · 27/01/2014 10:29

My 2 cents worth.
If the online homework is mathletics, then it is certainly able to be differentiated, if the teacher knows how to manage the programme.

I would expect any homework to be properly differentiated tbh, but some teachers see this as more work. The teacher may have (sounds like) no idea about your dss's difficulties in this area, not only time-wise but where/when the homework is getting done, so I would definitely encourage your dh to make a time to explain and see what can be done to make life easier.

Good luck.

mistlethrush · 27/01/2014 10:44

In year 3 and 4, my son has had 10 mins homework set on a Monday, to be completed by Wednesday, similar on Wednesday for Friday, then something, perhaps 20 - 30 mins at the weekend for Monday - plus reading every day. I think this sort of split would work out so much better for your DSS - because it would mean that his mother couldn't push ALL the homework responsibility onto you, and it would encourage him to get some done (hopefully closer to when it was done in class so that he had some chance of remembering it).

I would be talking to the teacher about a) the possibility of ensuring it is split into several more manageable pieces and b) whether it is at the right level for him because it doesn't seem to be.

pointythings · 27/01/2014 12:17

I think your DSS's mother is being completely unreasonable not to allow screen time for homework during the week so that it can be done in manageable chunks, and that needs addressing. I really do get a feeling that she is dumping the homework thing on you and her ex so that you don't get to have any fun when your DSS is with you. There isn't really another rational explanation, is there?

And I agree that if he is struggling this much with the homework itself, then it is being inappropriately set and that needs to be discussed with the school. It's time for your DH to get a lot more assertive with his ex.

Good luck.

CecilyP · 27/01/2014 12:39

Yes, totally agree. Not only has his mum placed all responsibility for homework onto you and and your DH, making it entirely your problem, she is then demanding that you do not go into the school in order to try and solve the problem.

Far from being unreasonable for DH to approach the school, it is unreasonable not to.

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