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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that DSS' homework situation is not working...

100 replies

BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 10:18

DSS is 7, and is with us every weekend, arrives every Friday night after dh takes him to a sports club and then leaves on a Saturday one week and a Sunday the next so it's constantly alternating.

He's in Yr 3 at school so only started there in September. He gets regular HW, English and Maths every week and it's all set online via a website that his teacher can track.

Basically our problem is that dh's exW has asked if we can do all of his HW at ours every week. Initially we were fine with that as DH is a teacher and appreciated the chance to help DSS where needed and also to be able to see how it was being taught to him in school. However over the last few weeks DSS' HW has become harder meaning that he takes more time to do it, on average 2.5 hours in total. We are really finding it hard to get it all done on our "short" weekends as obviously doing it all in one block is totally inappropriate but there's no time on Friday nights after sport and dinner (plus DSS is in no fit state as he's so tired by then) but having to take DSS home after lunch on Saturday with all HW complete is basically wrecking his time with us as he's so stressed about getting it done :( The long weekend isn't much better as we use them to visit family etc so DSS is still quite limited on how long he gets to do his homework and spends what should be "quality time" (I hate that expression!!) with family being all worried about how much he still has left to do.

There's no option of extending his time with us unfortunately and the reason given as to why he doesn't do it at home is that exW's computer isn't fast enough to run the website (there is lots of graphics etc which makes it quite slow and impossible to use if the computer isn't up-to-date). We've given DSS a laptop to use at his mum's house which is definitely fast enough but his mum doesn't agree with sitting in front of a screen for extended periods of time and therefore won't allow him to do that at her house and also feels that he's so busy with school in the week that HW should be done at weekends. I can kind of see her point on all of that but it's hard to get her to realise the impact it's having on DSS at our house - although I hate children having lots of screen time I can't bear to see DSS so upset and stressed at the prospect of not finishing his HW.

Would it be unreasonable for DH to approach the school instead in order to see if there's any alternative, i.e. if they'd accept a print-out of the page instead of an online record? That way he could be doing some in the week with his mum and not spend the weekend glued to the computer and getting all stressy. Any help/advice gratefully received...

OP posts:

Original poster

BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 10:59

thetallest our computer at home is faster than the one we sent to DSS' mum's house so no issues there - we did that so he had a computer in each house which could cope with the site.

We used to do half the homework in each house when it was set on paper, and when there were times which affected time available for HW like special occasions, illness etc we used to pick up the excess from each other and were really flexible. Now we are doing it all, plus it's harder so DSS is also starting to associate struggling with HW with being at our house - not nice :(

OP posts:

Thetallesttower · 26/01/2014 11:00

I agree that the max time spent on this should be 30-45 min one day of the weekend. It sounds like your step-son is getting more and more anxious about it as well, perhaps the teacher/mum is saying 'you must do your homework' and it is getting huge in his own mind.

I think you need to chat to the school if possible, it's not a normal amount of homework. If that's an absolute no no, then get the faster computer and set a time limit- so 45 min, once that's done, write a note to the teacher saying 'my son has done 45 min on the computer, that's al we can do this week'.

The mum is currently ramping up the pressure on you and him- get the speedy computer back off her for a start!

Thetallesttower · 26/01/2014 11:01

What type of school is he in? I have never found a state school that is fanatical about homework, they like it done but I know at least one parent who refuses for her children to do any homework whatsoever (doesn't believe in it at primary level, plus she's a single mum with 4 children in different schools) so that's that- they don't do it.

Tuckshop · 26/01/2014 11:02

Isn't the issue his ability to do the homework, not what the school are setting? If he's struggling and takes so long to do it I'd be talking to the school about what can be done there to help him.

Perhaps mum thinks that as your dp is a teacher, he is best placed to be helping him, rather than it being her imposing on "your" time.

Original poster

BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 11:03

X-posted thetallest we have a speedy computer already.

I think HW is set weds - weds so lots of time for DSS to stress before and after the weekend :(

OP posts:

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 26/01/2014 11:03

That sounds like a complete nightmare, and of course he should be splitting it up over the week, but I can't see how you can convince his mum of that.
Maybe speak to the teacher, check how long the HW ought to take, and see how they would advise scheduling it. I bet they won't say, 'cram it all in on Saturday morning with the occcasional break to eat or panic'.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 26/01/2014 11:05

YANBU to approach the school. That is far too much homework for a 7 year old! Why can't we just let kids be kids?!

SuburbanRhonda · 26/01/2014 11:05

OP, I agree with discussing it with the school either with or without DSS's mum.

There are a lot of issues coming up to do with homework and needing access to the internet, yes, even at primary school. We've done a survey in our school and 50% of the children have no access to the internet, though many, if not most of the parents have hand-held devices to access FB, Twitter, etc.

This may be yet another issue - how to divide HW between two homes. We have one family where the mum doesn't read or write so sends all the HW home to the dad on his one weekend a fortnight. Helping to sort that one out has been fun!

Tuckshop · 26/01/2014 11:06

I would not want my 7 year old to be stressing about homework at all. I'd be in the school talking to them about why what they are setting is so difficult for him to do.

Littlefish · 26/01/2014 11:06

Whether his mum wants the school to be involved or not, they need to be. If the school is not differentiating the homework, when they should be setting a time limit to ensure that exactly the situation you've described does not happen.

The school needs to be clear with his mum that the homework should be completed regularly throughout the week, and not in one block.

His mother is being completely unreasonable. She doesn't agree with him having screen time at her house but it's apparently ok at yours? Really? Does she seriously think that's a reasonable argument?

Original poster

BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 11:07

tuckshop I think you have it spot on on both counts. Dh and his ex have both been in on separate occasions to talk about DSS' progress (we were suspecting dyslexia at one point) and were both assured that he's about the middle of the class so have since calmed down although dh still suspects that his progress is not quite as "average" as his teachers make out.

Just to clarify it is definitely a state school!

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 26/01/2014 11:09

If your partner approaches the school the circumstances will be highlighted so the parents might just as well approach the school together. I don't think the lad should be associating struggling with hw with visits to his father.

TheBuskersDog · 26/01/2014 11:09

Sorry, cross posted. The problem seems to be that he is being set inappropriate homework then if it is taking him much longer than others and he is having to redo tasks lots of time to get them right. The school should be differentiating just as they do in class, especially in maths - I would usually expect to have at least two if not three levels of difficulty in maths homework for year 3. The parents really need to speak to the teacher, it sounds like lazy/bad teaching to me.

whois · 26/01/2014 11:10

2.5 hours of homework at the weekend for a Y3 child is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

Mum needs to do some on week nights to split it up more. She can't just opt out of doing homework with him.

MrsKCastle · 26/01/2014 11:15

Yes, I agree with speaking to the teacher. It's not an issue arising from having separated parents- it's an issue arising from being set inappropriate homework. If it was appropriate, he wouldn't be stressed and could complete it in under an hour, leaving plenty of time to relax.

holidaysarenice · 26/01/2014 11:21

If she has him 5/7ths of the week she does 5/7ths of the hw. So divide the 2.5 hrs up.

Talk to the school, I doubt they want it done in one go. They want little and often to reinforce learning.

frugalfuzzpig · 26/01/2014 11:24

Poor lad.

His mum should definitely allow him to do some of his homework during the week. It's silly not to when it takes so long. Especially as you've given him a decent laptop to do it on.

Given your description of Saturdays it seems like it's something where you can do it in stages and save progress as you go? So he doesn't have to do it all in one go?

Even if he just did 30 mins on wed and thurs that would make a big difference.

maddening · 26/01/2014 11:46

get him a good laptop - then he can do homework wherever he is.

frugalfuzzpig · 26/01/2014 11:48

OP has already given him a laptop! But his mum won't let him use it for HW during the week

HowJustHow · 26/01/2014 11:56

Could you maybe agree to do the homework every second weekend and his Mum does it on the weeks his shorter visit falls on?

I understand you have other things to do but surely over an entire weekend it could be slotted in?

The amount of time it takes seems excessive though, hope you get it sorted.

Thepoodoctor · 26/01/2014 11:58

I have a year 3 lad. He gets homework each weekend that should be possible for him to complete in 15-30 minutes. Differentiated to his level.

Because he has ASD and finds the idea of doing the stuff very difficult we have 2-3 hours of hell each weekend so I feel for you. But it sounds like your DS is motivated to complete it and not mucking around like mine?

Is it then taking 2.5 hours because it's too hard for him? That seems totally pointless.

I think I would find out from school how long they expect the homework to take and why it isn't differentiated.

If they genuinely expect 2.5 hours at the child's level then I would think it reasonable for some to be done at his mums at least on short weekends.

WooWooOwl · 26/01/2014 11:58

I can see both sides of this as we have had similar issues, and I think you do have to be very flexible.

I think it's fair that all the homework is done at yours when you have the longer weekends with dss, you just need to try and compromise with the short weekends.

I understand the ex's pov, as I used to ask my ex to help get homework done on his weekends. It didn't seem fair to me when my dc were still in primary school and spending some time nearly every weekend at their dads that I had to get all homework done on evenings after school. There just wasn't time after doing activities (had two children to take to various things), cooking dinner each night and then getting them bathed and in bed at a reasonable hour.

If my ex hadn't been willing to do the lions share at the weekend I'd have been very resentful, because while I appreciate he wants 'quality time', I did too and the usual routine of school runs/activity/play dates/ dinner/bath/bed isn't quality time, even though I was spending more hours in the presence of our children than ex was.

We used to do spellings and worksheet type homeworks during the week and ex would do the longer project type ones simply because he had more unstructured time to do it in.

I don't see how speaking to the teacher will help, homework will need to be done either way.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/01/2014 11:58

maddening

The lap top is not the issue. It's the fact his homework is too long and too hard and is destroying his weekend. He's 7 :(

LJL69 · 26/01/2014 12:00

I am ex teacher and totally agree that 2.5 hours homework age 7 is ridiculous. If setting non differentiated homework then school should specify an expected amount of time spent and after that only to continue with it if convenient and/or child is happy to carry on. I have advised parents in the past that a child getting upset or stressed about homework means it is time to leave it. Especially aged 7!! The class teacher should also tell the child this so that they don't continue to worry if homework incomplete. I would also suggest that mum does some and you guys do some. Not only to take the pressure off the wee lad but also so you all know what is being covered in school etc. I hate doing homework with our kids and DH and I split it and we are together!

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/01/2014 12:42

How about - suggesting to the mother that he does it on Sundays when he is with you and Sundays when he is with her?

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