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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that DSS' homework situation is not working...

100 replies

BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 10:18

DSS is 7, and is with us every weekend, arrives every Friday night after dh takes him to a sports club and then leaves on a Saturday one week and a Sunday the next so it's constantly alternating.

He's in Yr 3 at school so only started there in September. He gets regular HW, English and Maths every week and it's all set online via a website that his teacher can track.

Basically our problem is that dh's exW has asked if we can do all of his HW at ours every week. Initially we were fine with that as DH is a teacher and appreciated the chance to help DSS where needed and also to be able to see how it was being taught to him in school. However over the last few weeks DSS' HW has become harder meaning that he takes more time to do it, on average 2.5 hours in total. We are really finding it hard to get it all done on our "short" weekends as obviously doing it all in one block is totally inappropriate but there's no time on Friday nights after sport and dinner (plus DSS is in no fit state as he's so tired by then) but having to take DSS home after lunch on Saturday with all HW complete is basically wrecking his time with us as he's so stressed about getting it done :( The long weekend isn't much better as we use them to visit family etc so DSS is still quite limited on how long he gets to do his homework and spends what should be "quality time" (I hate that expression!!) with family being all worried about how much he still has left to do.

There's no option of extending his time with us unfortunately and the reason given as to why he doesn't do it at home is that exW's computer isn't fast enough to run the website (there is lots of graphics etc which makes it quite slow and impossible to use if the computer isn't up-to-date). We've given DSS a laptop to use at his mum's house which is definitely fast enough but his mum doesn't agree with sitting in front of a screen for extended periods of time and therefore won't allow him to do that at her house and also feels that he's so busy with school in the week that HW should be done at weekends. I can kind of see her point on all of that but it's hard to get her to realise the impact it's having on DSS at our house - although I hate children having lots of screen time I can't bear to see DSS so upset and stressed at the prospect of not finishing his HW.

Would it be unreasonable for DH to approach the school instead in order to see if there's any alternative, i.e. if they'd accept a print-out of the page instead of an online record? That way he could be doing some in the week with his mum and not spend the weekend glued to the computer and getting all stressy. Any help/advice gratefully received...

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/01/2014 12:43

But it's still too much in one day. It needs to be spread out over the week after school take note it's beyond his capabilities :(

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 26/01/2014 13:08

It sounds as though the problem arose with the switch from paper based homework to this online system. Is it possible that he is struggling to get to grips with how the online stuff works, and that is what is taking so much time ?

Stripyhoglets · 26/01/2014 13:22

She is taking advantage, I'd love to send my kids elsewhere and someone else organise the homework completion. If he gets set it during the week and not just on the Friday, then he needs to do some during the week. Your DH needs to tell her you will only do homework on he long weekends and she gets it done on the others at her leisure during the significantly greater portion of time that he spends at her house over the week and weekend.

capsium · 26/01/2014 13:32

Maybe your network will be down or your computer need fixing very soon....

annielouisa · 26/01/2014 13:45

I think it maybe needs a teacher from the school to speak to EXW and encourage HW done in samall doses during week and weekend. This may not be the case but appears EXW does not want to support this anxious child with his HW so she has passed all the stress to your DH and you

Original poster
BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 14:06

I think maybe she feels more confident letting DH do the homework with him but always used to do it with him as even if you're not the most confident person ever, it's homework for a 7 year old so doesn't take a degree/PGCE to be able to oversee it being done to an acceptable standard.

We may well be swapping Internet providers soon so will probably have a bit of time without Internet which will be interesting...!

Somewhere DSS seems ok with how to use the system. I think the biggest issue is that the paper system was always finite whereas the online system awards points and there's always something more to do. The school awards certificates etc to those who have reached certain levels of points but the harder stuff is worth more points so DSS has to either struggle through stuff which is too hard or do loads and loads of the appropriate level for him. It's a website the school subscribe to but don't contribute to in any way so don't have any control over allowing all pupils to be rewarded equally for reaching their personal best.

OP posts:
SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 26/01/2014 14:39

Oh I see ! That sounds a bit like a computer game, winning points etc. I can see why the school might have chosen it but doesn't sound like the best idea without a lot more guidance and positive feedback about how much they are expected to do. Deffo sounds like you need to talk to the teacher and make them aware of how it's affecting him.

LiegeAndLief · 26/01/2014 16:38

I think the not wanting to bring up things to do with the split with the teacher is irrelevant. I am married to the father of my children and would definitely be in school to talk about this situation. It sounds untenable and the website sounds very demoralising for your DSS.

Original poster
BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 16:54

Thanks all for your replies - I was worried about posting in here but (apart from one poster who thinks it's ok to spend just half an hour of leisure time with us as long as the homework gets done before he goes home again.) I think I always felt I wasn't being unreasonable to feel like this but it was more guidance we were after in terms of how to deal with the situation.

Anyway, dh has just spoken to exW as he did the drop off and unfortunately it was pretty frustrating for him. He explained how DSS had spent about 2.5 hours over the weekend on his HW and exW then said that maybe this was linked to the headaches he's been having when getting back to hers on sat/sun nights? Dh agreed and said that his eyes may be under strain from the intensive screen time so would it be possible to chat to the teacher and also try to spread the work out over the week? Apparently she said no, doesn't want screen time at hers and also doesn't want teacher to think DSS is struggling but then in the next sentence told dh that she is planning to try for a baby with her dh so money will be tighter for her so how does he feel about going halves on a handheld console for DSS as it'll be the only time he'll get a "big" present?!?! This will be something he will only be allowed to use at weekends but he won't be allowed to take it out of her house, so I guess he'll only be able to use it every 2nd Sunday if they stick to that?

Really not sure what to do now...I still think dh should speak to DSS teacher or even just set a timer and stop as soon as he's done a reasonable length of time.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/01/2014 16:58

Oh god headaches as well :( that just cannot go on!!

Of course the teachers need to know. It does him no favours struggling on and it's only going to get harder as they are he's coping as far as they know.

There is no way around not telling teachers. How else can they review the situation for ALL te children if parents don't give feed back. I will bet any money that not only is he not alone in struggling. He also is not the only one from a ait family.

I cannot see how there will be ANY teacher who expects a 7 yr old to do so much homework.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 26/01/2014 17:09

If it's 2.5 hours that's 30 minutes a night with 2 days off for regular clubs or so he can relax at the weekend - sounds doable If the Exw can be reasonable. Timer sounds perfect and you can tailor it to how long you feel it's reasonable for him to spend on homework.

It's pretty ridiculous of her to object to screen time which is homework, IMO. It's also unreasonable for her to expect you to do ALL the homework with him for all time - as he moves up the school and to secondary the time taken on homework will only increase. Fair enough if DH is a teacher and wants to have input but there are only so many hours you have him in a week. I think I'd set a time limit for how long you're willing to spend on homework with him and his mum will have to deal with the rest - it's not realistic to wrap your entire time with him around homework and it's not fair on him either.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/01/2014 17:13

Just tell the school. Emphasise that the XW is not aware you are speaking to them and you'd appreciate them not addressing her about it.

Perhaps they can send out a generic letter asking for a set time five days a week is recommended and long stints are advised against.

Joysmum · 26/01/2014 17:18

2.5hrs of homework for a yr 3 child is too much. If it's taking this wrong either it's pitched wrong, or you're expecting more than the school are and the school need to know about it.

Tuckshop · 26/01/2014 17:26

But the issue isn't giving him the time to do it within the week or within the weekend. It's that he is struggling to do the work and that is why it is taking so long.

The important thing in what she has said about this is that she doesn't want the teacher to know he is struggling. This isn't about whether mum is or isn't helping with the homework, or what her views are on screentime.

I think your dh needs to speak with his teacher. If xh was of the opinion that the teacher mustn't know dd were struggling I'd have no qualms in going ahead anyway.

Original poster
BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 17:32

Agreed tuckshop, the rest of the conversation was frustrating to hear but again I think you've got it spot on with regard to the real issue.

Joys it's mostly instructions like "complete sections a,b and c" which nearly always consist of repeated questions on whatever skill they've done that week or times tables or spellings etc. It's not like "write about xyz" an the school expecting a paragraph and we're encouraging him to write 4 pages. So I don't think we're misunderstanding...somehow I wish we were though if it made it easier on DSS :(

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/01/2014 17:50

What exactly is she so afraid of? He's struggling now, so what. In a years time he could be too of the class helping others that are struggling.

He's got ten more years of school , plenty of time to shine.

What exactly does she think will happen if you tell teacher?
:(

Original poster
BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 18:02

I know, it's such a sad situation. From what I know, she didn't have the easiest time at school, possibly an undiagnosed learning disability which meant she struggled and was made to feel stupid a lot of the time when actually she wasn't at all, there was just some kind of barrier which prevented her from getting it down on paper effectively. It must've been so frustrating.

She has said that she doesn't want DSS to go through the same thing but surely the issue with her was that it wasn't noticed/highlighted to teachers/dealt with? I imagine that things are far different in primary schools nowadays and the earlier any intervention is started, the better?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/01/2014 18:10

Well he will if she DOESnT say anything. His confidence will be non existant.

No one is going to think he is stupid :( sometimes something so bloody simple can be enough to boost confidence and change everything.

The longer this goes on the more chance there is of him giving up completely.

:(

CinnabarRed · 26/01/2014 19:36

If your DH and XW hadn't split, I have no doubt but they would have raised the fact that it takes DSS 2.5 hours to do his homework, and that it's stressing him enormously in the process.

So, by not raising it with his teacher, the XW is actually creating a consequence of their split, rather than avoiding one. Exactly what she hopes to avoid.

If you addressed it in those terms, do you think she might listen?

Because I agree with the others, at root cause it's the homework that's the issue, not when it's done.

Original poster
BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 19:44

That's a great point cinnabarI hadn't thought of it like that.

Although...part of the problem and the reason it takes so long is that when it comes to starting the homework, DSS seems to have no recollection of studying that skill in class so it takes ages to explain it again and get the first few done, get into a rhythm etc and then he gets tired so it's time for a break, then when he re-starts again it's really slow. I can't help but think that it's partly because he finished studying that topic on the Wednesday and then leaves it until Saturday to look at it again. Although it does point to needing more help if he retains so little between Wednesday and the weekend :(

I think that if dh were still with ex then they would be doing it bit by bit throughout the week. I can't see him wanting DSS to do such a big chunk if it could be avoided.

OP posts:
Original poster
BinkieWoo · 26/01/2014 19:46

But yes we have to take the situation as it is and 2.5 hours is not good at all. We are definitely setting a timer and dh is going to speak to DSS teacher but try to keep it quiet from exW. Not ideal but really don't see what else we can do.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 26/01/2014 19:49

Then that's the point you need to make to her - how would they have managed the situation if together in a single household? That's the solution she should seek to implement (or the closest approximation she can create).

frugalfuzzpig · 26/01/2014 20:19

I'm glad your DH is going to speak to the school. He has just as much right as she does!

dayshiftdoris · 27/01/2014 02:06

Is the HW taking longer than expected?

Is it unusual for a child to forget those learnt concepts in less than 2days?

If the answer to those questions are YES (and your DH is a teacher so has the benefit of not having to look a numpty at school asking them) then I think you need to stop viewing this as a contact issue.

All the adult nonsense aside, if you have answered yes then you have a child willing to learn who is needing concepts being taught repetitively, reporting headaches after learning and who takes a long time to complete tasks.

Take away all the family situation and that screams eye test and chat with school to me....

MidniteScribbler · 27/01/2014 02:23

I ask parents to get their child to work for no more than 30 minutes on their homework. After that, stop, and write in the homework diary what they did and what they need assistance with. I don't want any child sitting at home struggling and getting stressed, and if the homework is taking longer than that, then I need to address it as a teacher, not pass the problem on to parents.

Quite frankly, in your situation I'd be doing the same thing. Write a note (email it to the teacher if the ex won't pass it on) that he worked for half an hour whilst at your home. The rest of it is then his mother's role to finish or ignore as she sees fit.