to feel sad about this?

[dazzledbythesky]

Since I'm anonymous I will admit I am really, really lonely - painfully so. Most weekends are spent alone; although I do have friends they don't really socialise much now which is fair enough. So social occasions centre around a big event like a wedding or a particular date say for somebody's birthday but there isn't much shopping/coffee/lunch. I probably see someone one weekend per month. I spend most evenings in on my own, sad but true.

I don't moan about it - honestly, I don't. But I suppose people have noticed I don't do much and have started teasing me. I know being over sensitive is the best way to lose friends so I force myself to laugh along but actually I want to cry whenever they do it! 'Jokes' about 'what did you do this weekend?' and someone will say 'she went out with her cats.' (I have 2 cats by the way, it isn't like I have a house full of them ) People keep saying I need to meet somebody and won't have children and why don't I join match dot come?

It just makes me feel really self conscious about my life and I feel so isolated and cut off. It just isn't 'me', I am happy and smiley and always had friends, it's just that they aren't available freely now which is fair enough.

Aibu to feel upset about it, I don't know if I am being over sensitive or not?

I think you sound absolutely lovely OP. I don't think there's any point doing things that aren't enjoyable for you

• like drinking alone in a pub, or going on holiday alone - but I definitely wouldn't assume your friends with kids are too busy to see you. I am the opposite to you, i have a small child and husband and most of my friends are single with no kids, or dating etc. I have been dropped like a stone since DS arrived. Some friends I've only seen once in a year. I do feel very lonely at times as DH works nights and would love love love a friend like you to come over and watch crappy telly and eat (diet!) pizza with!

As for your work colleagues, they are on the verge of bullying. It's none of their damn business what you did at the weekend. I would put a sharp stop to that nonsense - certainly don't laugh along with them. Your life sounds very enjoyable to me :)

OP you live alone and that's actually fine. I lived alone for 11 years (excluding one awful experience living with an ex for a few months) and can say that despite being lonely at times I loved it. I found that as friends got married, moved in with BFs I had fewer people to spend time with and had to learn to enjoy my "me time."

Yes there were weekends when I didn't see friends but I made sure I went to the gym, took the dogs for long walks (crazy dog, not cat, lady) sat in a coffee shop reading a paper or new book or just mooched around shops. Going back to work on a Monday I never said I hadn't done much as I made sure I had done things which meant I enjoyed and valued my time.

I think you should put a positive spin on things and if you are finding you are just slobbing around in your PJs from Friday night until Monday morning then remember that's fine too providing that is what you choose to do. However if you feel you have no choice (no one to do things with) then you have to change your attitude. Find an interest you can pursue alone, make yourself go to the cinema by yourself - or the theatre - go to the gym, help out at a charity, etc. Enjoy your time in your own way and when people ask what you have done at the weekend be positive about what you did. I would personally be envious of anyone who has a whole weekend to please themselves.

If your colleagues are rude about your time alone I would suggest you simply tell them their comments aren't appreciated - they sound really unpleasant and you need to stand up to them. Loneliness isn't the same as being alone and I think you need to need to find ways of filling the void you experience.

I have found friends via a website called Meetup they have lots of groups for different hobbies and interests. If you put your post code in you can see what groups are in your area. Good luck !

I think what KandyPane said is perceptive. It sounds like you are actually ok with things as they are - or that you can't currently change the one thing you would want to change, which is to have company at home, as you don't want new friends, just to see the old ones more spontaneously - and that what you want now is for your colleagues to stop being so snide.

I think that this comes down to your attitude. Do pull them up on it firmly every time they pull the 'crazy single cat lady' routine. Do carry the war into the enemy camp: 'Oh, I assume you flew to Amsterdam to go clubbing, went crazy on drugs, had an orgy with beautiful strangers, and jumped out of a plane for afters? What, sat in front of a box set with a glass of bad Chardonnay in your PJs? Tut tut. Maybe you should get a cat?' Etc.

Don't fall into the error of thinking that everyone thinks like your colleagues, that if not coupled I am married with a small child and have several close single female friends in their forties and fifties whose lives are interesting and fulfilling, and are perceived as such by everyone they know. Possibly in part because they haven't bought into the 'sad single' stereotype themselves.

Sorry, typo. Should read 'not everyone thinks like your colleagues, that unless couples, you don't count.'

Dazzled you sound really lovely and interesting company.

I think a lot of posters are being pretty harsh on here and clearly don't understand how hard it is to be on your own. I totally understand how effortless it must seem to always have company when surrounded by children and DH whatever.

It is horrible for people at work to make comments however flippant .

I hate this country in a way for how isolated people can feel, I was watching something the other night which was based in Pakistan and the thing that struck me most was the way no-one was ever alone, I know that is mostly to do with the climate but we are just so isolated in the Northern Hemisphere .

dazzled whether or not you feel lonely, your colleagues are being generally nasty. I think MrsDeVere's advice is good, say 'that's a bit rude' and just carry on with what you are doing. If you don't feel brave enough for that- don't give them further ammunition- have an answer ready about your weekend 'I was quite busy, wasn't the weather awful, how was yours?' is ideal. Don't feed into their silly nastiness by saying 'nothing much'.

If you want things to change, and I can't really tell if you do, then there is scope for change. I know it's difficult when friends settle down, but I honestly had a blast being single through my twenties and into my thirties, and although I love family life now, I found it quite hard to give up that freedom and pleasing yourself which you do get on your own.

I also wonder if you live in a small town/city, because if you go into a park in London on a hot day, there will be loads of single people sitting there reading books, ipads, hanging out, getting a tan. You may be somewhere where being single past about 25 is more difficult, I once lived somewhere like this and it was rather stagnant- I moved back to London where it's fine to be single into your forties and beyond and where people do go to the cinema/theatre/parks alone.

I was you for a long time. I have to confess that at work on a Monday I simply lied about what I'd done over the weekend and who I did it with.

I would say keep yourself busy even if you have to do it alone, because it is good for you in itself and it does help to have things to talk about when you do meet up with people. I really forced myself to do things out of my comfort zone, like trips to the ballet or opera.

You sound better than me in that I was a really bad planner (still am). My best friend always has stuff in the diary, even if for months hence, so there's something to look forward to and I think that's important.

The stuff about trying to meet a partner is annoying. I think it's something you will do when you are ready, and in a way that suits you. I never wanted to do online dating, so I didn't.

One thing I do recommend is group holidays. Going solo is miserable, but walking holidays, yoga, cooking holidays or whatever are great and a very good way to make new friends.

Kandy - what do you men, you're not sure what I'm after? It was an AIBU to think my colleagues are rude, the general consensus is no, and have had some great suggestions as to how to deal with this and have put this into practice today in fact. So I don't know what you mean to be honest. I didn't come on for suggestions - it's nice people make them but most aren't applicable.

I AM proactive and I DO arrange things, I would never do anything if I didn't.

I said some of my friends date back to primary school. I was explaining that I tend to keep friends I have, ergo I have no problems maintaining relationships. Of course I have made friends since then.

Believe me I'm not some sad loser sitting around whining that friends are married. It's just I know from experience that as I've said to have company you need to be out, doing things - you can't do that all the time so you spend lots of time alone.

Anyway I just came back to day thanks to MrsDeVere as I used 'her' line and colleagues apologised!

Mean, not men! Lol!

You're first line is "I am really really lonely, painfully so".

So people suggested ways to stop feelin lonely. But it seems you didn't actually want suggestions.

Fair play. Jut a bit confusing to understand.

*your

Well - what can I say!? There isn't much I can do, or anyone can do, I know people want to help and I don't want to appear ungrateful. But most suggestions centre around asking people to do stuff which I already do but as I've said it's not 'I don't have a social life' it's 'I'm on my own a lot' and there isn't much anyone can do about that?

Ok. You got your aibu answered.

I have to disagree on whether there is anything you can do about spending time on your own. But it's your life.

Best of luck.

I spent 6 months nearly all alone because I moved to a town near London and didn't know anyone, and I wasn't very good at making friends randomly. You don't need to just sit around doing nothing! Go exploring where you live, go to free places like museums (even small towns have museums normally!) or the library, or bring your laptop to Starbucks. Buy a train ticket to somewhere you've never heard of, just to see what's there, even if there might be nothing of interest at all. Pick a direction and walk for 3 hours and see where you end up :) This is all stuff I did when having nobody around, and I had a great time. Plus you will have something to tell others when they ask :) "Oh, I just went for an impromptu trip to some place called Buxton, and visited this very random museum I found. I had very little money whilst doing most of this, train tickets or bus tickets can be very, very cheap, and a drink at Starbucks doesn't cost much either. And I spent alot of time windowshopping or reading books in Waterstones.

I know these are not things that reconnects you to others, but I think it could be the start of it - it can build your confidence, you went exploring in the weekend, you were spontaneous and adventurous (even on a small scale). So you then have something to talk about to people - even asking for directions in a new town can lead to a conversation. It's awfully scary, but you can force yourself to do it and eventually it becomes second nature.

I went to pubs on my own loads of times, and never enjoyed it. Old men staring at you "what is this female creature doing in my territory?". Huff. Cafes are way nicer :)

I can totally relate to what you are saying, I too was in the same situation lost contact with most of my friends who moved away or got married or we just drifted apart. So one day I thought I'm going to do something about this and did something really out of character for me I wrote in our local lonely harts column an add for like minded people who wanted to be friends and socialize with each other, this was many years ago I did this and had about 30 letters of reply, I had great fun meeting many of them and it was also when I met someone who turned out to be really special my husband and we have been together 26 year and have two children, I hope this helps.

Argh. I'm not sitting around doing nothing :) I think this is the mistake people make - "I'm lonely" doesn't equate to "I do nothing with my time, nothing!"

Why not join a gym? You could go a couple of nights in the week, Saturdays and Sundays. Would be an activity and help get the rest of the weight off. Do classes rather than just gym work, it'll help to have regular commitments and structure to the weekends.

Also, is 12 stone really too fat to go riding? Horses are quite strong aren't they? I think you should go for it now. Always make me sad when people say they can't do x or y until they lose weight. You don't need to punish yourself for being bigger than you want to be. Also, you could be run over by a bus tomorrow!

Already a member of one and have been for years I hate going, though.

12 stone isn't too fat to go riding, I just feel too fat at the moment. Thank you.

Ah, bollocks to that. Just request a bigger horse and try all the classes at the gym until you find a couple you can tolerate. Lots of advice here on the fitness and weightloss boards :)

The colleagues bit is one thing and it sounds like you're dealing with that. Their opinion is irrelevant. How you feel about your life isn't, and it's clear you are not satisfied.

I understand. I think. I live alone and am single too. Evenings are fine but there have been times when I have not been very proactive and ended up speaking to no one but shop assistants all weekend. I'm trying to get better at arranging to see old and new friends, whether they are single or coupled up, during the day or the evening at weekends. I also don't feel much like dating yet as I'd like to lose weight first.

I do try and am currently managing to have at least one social thing every weekend. I think you probably do need more social life than once a month. And it looks like this is going to mean booking people in advance, but try not worry too much about 'setting yourself up to fail'. I'm similar. I've often felt I'm not 'worthy' of a coupled up friend's weekend because I assume all they want to do is spend time with partner or dc. This isn't necessarily the case. It can be hard to ask and be knocked back. Some people don't mind but it's hard not to feel rejected. But do try.

None of this resolves the 'having someone to come home to' or having 'someone to do nothing with'. That will require new single friends, a flatmate or even better a new partner and you can't magic one of those out of the air, especially if you're not feeling very confident.

Maybe you will pick up as you lose weight and become more confident in yourself or maybe you need to do something now, which in the short term means going out more. Not sure if there is much going on in your area but you could try meetup.com for activities where others may well be single too. It's not a dating site, an activity site.

Okay thank you but I am not worried about squashing a horse I just don't want to until I lose the weight.

Weight loss is very personal and my feelings aren't wholly rational but still valid, since they impact on no one but me. Horse riding will be a sort of reward when I am at target.

I dislike all aspects of the gym; I go for long term health rather than pleasure.

How about Weight Watchers or Slimming World, if you feel too fat to go riding or skiing? You will meet people, and it may help you lose the extra weight, which seems to be a big issue for you at the moment.

Also, I recall you saying you didn't want to do Internet dating, but can't recall why. What about one of those agencies that do social events as well as dating? I was a member of one of those years ago, went on a few dates and met a couple of long term boyfriends, but also went to numerous nights out and made some good female friends too.

Billy I know what you're saying but I am in fact okay, I am working things out at my own pace and own time and while I don't foresee being like this forever for the here and now it is okay and I am okay, I have never had a partner so it isn't about having a new one and I definitely don't want a flatmate!

I will get there but I was, I must admit, getting upset by colleagues' jibes.

I also meant to say that maybe until you reach that magic weight you may have to just accept and sit with the fact that you are a bit lonely for now but that it won't be a permanent thing and make plans for when you are ready to emerge.