to feel sad about this?

[dazzledbythesky]

Since I'm anonymous I will admit I am really, really lonely - painfully so. Most weekends are spent alone; although I do have friends they don't really socialise much now which is fair enough. So social occasions centre around a big event like a wedding or a particular date say for somebody's birthday but there isn't much shopping/coffee/lunch. I probably see someone one weekend per month. I spend most evenings in on my own, sad but true.

I don't moan about it - honestly, I don't. But I suppose people have noticed I don't do much and have started teasing me. I know being over sensitive is the best way to lose friends so I force myself to laugh along but actually I want to cry whenever they do it! 'Jokes' about 'what did you do this weekend?' and someone will say 'she went out with her cats.' (I have 2 cats by the way, it isn't like I have a house full of them ) People keep saying I need to meet somebody and won't have children and why don't I join match dot come?

It just makes me feel really self conscious about my life and I feel so isolated and cut off. It just isn't 'me', I am happy and smiley and always had friends, it's just that they aren't available freely now which is fair enough.

Aibu to feel upset about it, I don't know if I am being over sensitive or not?

Oh bless you, Rainbow. How can you possibly think that anyone is out of your league? Maybe they are looking for someone just like you? The vast majority of meetings from dating sites probably don't end up in permanent relationships but I am sure a lot end in pleasant evenings. What have you lost if you contact them?

I'd be tempted to do something amazing, outside your comfort zone. Skydiving, or a holiday alone. I'm sure it would give you a boost. Really, in this day & age, there's a whole world out there.

What would you really love to do?? If you could go anywhere right this minute?

Dazzled - do you like your job?

It sounds to me like you are not actually lonely you just lack confidence to say that you are who you are and are happy with that. You think that doing things alone makes you stand out as different but it really doesn't. My DD's godmother is single and almost 60 now. She does loads of things alone - goes to gigs, goes for meals or drinks, holidays etc. She has learned to embrace this and enjoys her solo jaunts. She also loves being involved with friends and family. It is your life and you can lead it the way you want to. Which parts of your life would you want to change if you could?

Rainbow I'm sure they're not out of your league but I'm not going to lecture you as I know what you mean. As you say it really isn't as straightforward as joining this or that.

Blackandwhite some do, some don't, but honestly, I KNOW they are busy! Most have small babies or toddlers and so do mum/family things (100% not a criticism!)

Funny someone mentioned borrowing a child, I am stealing my friends 6 year old son as I want to see Walking with Dinosaurs at the cinema and she wants to get rid of him for a couple of hours! But she is laid back and he's obviously a bit older. People are a bit more anxious about babies and toddlers (again 100% understandable, I'd be the same).

Thank you for the nice comments about weight, it's surprising how it knocks your confidence. I was 14 stone - well, 13 stone 13lbs. I'm now just under 12 stone but am very short, only 5'2, so it does show.

Wierd thread
OP- colleagues make unkind comments and sneer at me.
Posters- change then!
OP- I'm ok I think, I am lonely, but its these comments that are really upsetting me.
Posters- no change! You should have a partner.
OP you sound lovely a your colleagues are twats.
Focus on doing things that make you happy. If you want to make changes do it for yourself not the impression you make on your nasty colleagues.

To be honest anything I have the burning desire to do I would do, but some things I just really genuinely would have no interest in doing alone. I did have a holiday alone last year actually and hated it.

In many ways I am a quiet person, although my friendships are strong and very longstanding, dating back to primary school in some cases, but my interests centre around reading, history, some TV, cooking and gardening. All 'home' stuff. I'm not quiet at all with friends but I just haven't got the desire to throw myself out of a plane or whatever.

I do love horses and was an avid horse rider and owner in my teens and early twenties and would like to get back into this BUT I need to lose the weight first, same with skiing which I also love.

On the plus side, Dazzly, a couple of lb in the right direction show as well.

Helpyiurself thank you, I have had such a rough week and just had a bit of a sniffle when I read your post as it did really touch me, you just I don't know 'got it!'

Someone mentioned Ramblers - this sounds like it might suit - you don't have to go every week, like an evening class, it's weekends but often there are midweek pub meet ups if you fancy them, and it's exercise but not as strenuous so you don't need to lose weight first.

Would that appeal?

But really, comments are not the issue, it's what you want to do at weekends.

helpyourself I think you have this a bit skewed. It has been acknowledged that OP's colleagues are not being very nice but there is little she can do about that. OP has also said she is lonely. Without making some changes that is not going to alter. No-one is asking OP to change who she is, she sounds lovely. The advice being given is to look at things she might want to change or look at differently so she can rise above the comments being made. I think everyone is being very kind and supportive to OP.

Sporty stuff is great for making friends and lots of people go alone. No one would bat an eyelid at your weight, honestly.

I've recently moved area and have made lots of friends by joining tennis club (i was a total beginner and am still a bit rubbish, but it doesn't matter.) i have to go alone because of childcare, but it's fine.

You do sound a bit stuck in a rut. It's fine to be alone, if you enjoy it, but it doesn't really sound like you do.

Ok. Having read dazzled's recent update i have obviously got her all wrong. Sorry.

Honestly, if they are good friends and you say you are feeling down and could do with a chat they will make time for you, even if it's just a phone call. Sounds like you are afraid to ask!

It's great that you are taking your friend's 6yo to the cinema! She sounds nice- next time why don't you go to the cinema together?

Have you thought about joining/setting up a book group? I have done this with a group of friends, some have kids, some don't. It's a great excuse to get together once a month and it means you put a date in the diary to look forward to.

Lots of people have offered help and support on here. Do they maybe deserve a thank you as well?

Thanks MrsDeVere! It is SO difficult knowing how to deal with it, as honestly, I'm not lacking in a sense of humour but as I say I think it has become one of those 'in jokes' that I don't find remotely amusing.

I've been a bit worried about it getting worse if I react to it, if you see what I mean, as I thought if I reacted they'd know it was getting under my skin (which it is!) but they are so immature they'd probably think its getting under my skin because there's truth in it. I'll definitely try that line though - I like it as it sounds confident and pissed off but not upset and I don't want to look upset.

Littlewhitebag, it isn't so much you've got me wrong. In my position though, I feel ugly, I feel fat, I feel like a loser. I feel like that because they have made me feel that that's how they see me. It is a form of bullying really, albeit dressed up as 'banter' and in fairness I genuinely think its immaturity rather than nastiness but all the same, when you're feeling a bit exposed anyway it is a nasty kick.

'Next time why don't you go to the cinema together' - this is what I mean. Because if she wants to go to the cinema she will go with her husband and kids. You know?

Flossy I have I think interacted with everybody here and answered them politely. I have thanked a couple of people for particularly kind or perceptive answers and to my knowledge I can't think of any other thread where the OP has been instructed to thank everybody for replying so I am unsure as to why you have decided it is the done thing for me to do so.

because if she wants to go to the cinema she will go with her husband and kids has she told you this? Or are you just assuming? I would much rather go to the cinema with a friend than my DH. We don't have the same taste in films at all, plus we would have to get a babysitter.

I think maybe your self confidence is low and you are assuming friends in couples/with kids don't want to hang out with you. But have you actually asked them??

Your colleagues sound unpleasant. They are the problem.

I think the simplest thing you can do is not to change what you do -as you are already doing what you want to do - but change your view of the value of what you do. Instead of saying that you did not much , tell them that you completed an assignment for your Masters degree, or visiting a friend and helping them out with childcare, or doing DIY . Their opinion of ypur life isn't worth a thing, but your opinion is.

I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time OP, it's not a crime to admit you feel lonely!

I sympathise because I've been in your shoes - before I met my DH there were a few years where all my friends were coupled up and no longer keen to come out to play. I was living alone in London and used to go home every night to an empty flat - it wasn't very nice. When I changed jobs I got to know the crowd I worked with and started to go out with them but it doesn't sound as though that's an option for you seeing as it's your colleagues making you feel so down.

I also sympathise about the weight thing - weirdly I am the same height as you, was roughly the same weight and have lost about the same! I agree that on someone our height that really shows, in fact it's making it very hard for me to carry on and lose the rest because I actually feel quite slim now. But I completely understand about feeling like 'the fat one' and how that affects your confidence - you feel as though people are pointing and laughing and as though you're not entitled to do stuff because you're fat. It's horrible isn't it (and ridiculous if you think about it).

I can't offer much advice but I wanted to post because I understand how you feel and realise it's not as easy as 'join an evening class' or 'do some volunteering'. My DH was in a similar position before we met and he joined a sports group which I think was really brave of him but he said it was always a bit forced and he never felt like one of the group when they did social stuff, just like he was going through the motions because that's what you do.

My only positive advice would be to try and enjoy the freedom as someone else said because these days I'd love a bit of time for myself in between working, housework and kid stuff! But I wouldn't want the loneliness and you're definitely not BU to feel the way you do.

Flossy I think the OP has been perfectly nice to everyone!

Oh heck shocking typos sorry.

Good point by blackandwhite - many women would probably relish the idea of going to the cinema or for a drink with friends - the thing is once you have a family it is too easy to get stuck in a rut. Your friends might welcome the chance of company to go out, and maybe just need a gentle nudge.

Cambridge yeah, I definitely get that with going through the motions. I also know what you mean about feeling quite slim now. I used to weigh 10 stone so keep obsessively trying clothes on to see which fit! My size 18 trousers are SO loose they make me feel slim and I have to keep reminding myself they should be loose as I should be a size 10-12!

I probably should be more pushy with RL friends but it can be difficult setting yourself up for a fail. The other thing is if people have quite a large network of (especially female) relatives pinning them down for 'girly' stuff can be hard. A lot of my friends have sisters and mums and aunties and cousins and do a lot of spa days and shopping and stuff. My dad is lovely but his idea of a great day out involved, last time, finding a German graveyard in a forest, staring at it in the rain and making comments about time passing then going back.

(I'm not anti tramping around in forests by the way WHEN IT IS DRY! )