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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel sad about this?

114 replies

dazzledbythesky · 25/01/2014 08:09

Since I'm anonymous I will admit I am really, really lonely - painfully so. Most weekends are spent alone; although I do have friends they don't really socialise much now which is fair enough. So social occasions centre around a big event like a wedding or a particular date say for somebody's birthday but there isn't much shopping/coffee/lunch. I probably see someone one weekend per month. I spend most evenings in on my own, sad but true.

I don't moan about it - honestly, I don't. But I suppose people have noticed I don't do much and have started teasing me. I know being over sensitive is the best way to lose friends so I force myself to laugh along but actually I want to cry whenever they do it! 'Jokes' about 'what did you do this weekend?' and someone will say 'she went out with her cats.' (I have 2 cats by the way, it isn't like I have a house full of them ) People keep saying I need to meet somebody and won't have children and why don't I join match dot come?

It just makes me feel really self conscious about my life and I feel so isolated and cut off. It just isn't 'me', I am happy and smiley and always had friends, it's just that they aren't available freely now which is fair enough.

Aibu to feel upset about it, I don't know if I am being over sensitive or not?

OP posts:
saintmerryweather · 25/01/2014 09:54

I feel your pain, I dont have any proper friends (but have mates not people I can rely on to be available). I weigh slightly more than you and I ride, most stables have a weight limit of around 13 stone, so you could look into that now if you didnt want to wait

dazzledbythesky · 25/01/2014 10:04

You're probably right MrsD! I feel a bit Confused with myself just now, I do need to make some changes but I'm just not completely ready yet.

Saint daft as it sounds I just don't want to reveal my weight to people until its one I'm not ashamed of!

OP posts:
Copper · 25/01/2014 10:08

OP
you sound a really interesting person - and also incredibly busy. What is your masters in?

JimmyChooChoo · 25/01/2014 10:12

OP - if these people make you feel that awful then the most positive thing you can do is keep them at arms length and have very little to do with them (I understand this is very hard if you work with them though)

www.westessexmind.org.uk/services/reading

OP I've attached the above link - I don't know where you live but in the county I live there are a reading clubs. They are more than just reading clubs though - they are sessions of people meeting and making friends. You discuss thoughts, feelings and many go because they too were lonely.

Please don't let others make you feel down. You work full time and are studying for a masters. I do also believe there's an aspect of jealousy from.
Also I bet the company of your two lovely cats is so much more fulfilling than the company of these idiots!

MrsDeVere · 25/01/2014 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dazzledbythesky · 25/01/2014 10:25

Thanks. I'm a member of a reading group, in fact, although it only meets on a monthly basis. There is wine and cake Grin which I have to avoid just now, of course!

Masters is education-based, I have to confess it keeps me nowhere near as busy as it should! Blush

OP posts:
GeneHuntsMistress · 25/01/2014 10:27

Would you be interested in starting up a book club with your girlfriends? If it's once a month it's not a major commitment for you or your friends to find the time. Ok, it wouldn't necessarily make you any "new" friends, but sounds like you are quite happy with that, and it would be a way of reconnecting with your existing friends with some quality time, which it seems to me what you are actually missing rather than making lots of new friends.

RandomMess · 25/01/2014 10:33

YANBU how absolutely insensitive and cruel of them! That would really really hurt and upset me too. Life is hard enough for most people without having fun poked at you for whatever reason.

NorksofPlenty · 25/01/2014 10:34

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this dazzled and I've no idea why some people are giving you a hard time on this thread. I agree that your colleagues are being cunts, but maybe (hopefully) they don't realise they are upsetting you and are 'taking the piss' because they don't actually see anything 'sad' about your life at all? I have a jokey relationship with some of my colleagues, but would only make a joke about something that I knew wouldn't upset them. I don't think I'm explaining it well, but most people aren't intentionally nasty so if your colleagues actually saw you as a 'fat loser' (which you emphatically are not), they wouldn't make comments about it if that makes sense?! I think the main issue is your confidence which you are working on by losing weight (really well done so far). There is nothing wrong with doing things on your own if you are happy to do so. I have a friend who is in a similar situation and she does loads on her own (gigs, trips abroad, park on sunny days etc), but always talks about it so positively that people end up being a bit jealous she has the freedom to do so. It's part confidence and part branding. There's nothing wrong with your life as long as your happy with it. If you aren't happy and would prefer more company, then yes you may need to try a few of the suggestions above, but please never feel like a loser, you sound like a really lovely person who has interests and a social life, it may not be clubbing every weekend but so what.

ReallyConfusedDotCom · 25/01/2014 10:45

I kind of know what you mean dazzled. My problem is I have very few friends as I have recently had to let one friendship fizzle out (long story) and I lost a few mutual friends when this happened. Another lives quite far away. I would just be happy meeting with a friend on a regular basis just to chat. I am lonely, but mainly because I only have my daughter to chat to and no adult conversation.

I do think your colleagues are being mean with thier comments. It would be best to just ignored them (especially uf your happy with your weekend plans) but thats easier said than done.

maddening · 25/01/2014 10:48

so what things interest you? What career are you in? Could you do evening courses? They would enhance your career and get you out with people? What things do you see people doing and think that you would like to do?

when you go to the cinema do you call round a few friends and see if they want to come? On a Sunday ring a few friends and see if they fancy a walk to a pub a few miles away - have a glass of wine or coffee a sandwich and walk back - a good Sunday romp would be good exercise too. See if any comedians or bands you are into that you know friends might like to and see if anyone fancies coming. If one person drives it doesn't have to be expensive - all go back to yours for a post show drink.

I think you need to put a brave face on but reach out - enrich your time and you might find the enjoyment creeping back in.

make a list of things to try and start looking in to interests/hobbies/courses if interest and see what fits your budget it is hard but only you can change it - and you want to change it so you're half way there - make this a positive experience - you can build your life any way you want right now - you have no ties so set an idea of where you want to be and work out baby steps to get there - do a course, meet new bods - get a promotion at work due to new qualifications - move on from bitchy colleagues and get out there living - you can do it it just feels too big a climb right now but get going and do it - it can get better.

ps well done on the weight loss! X

dazzledbythesky · 25/01/2014 11:00

Yes, I know what you mean about the various roles. I have to admit here I probably haven't helped myself as i have laughed in a fairly self-deprecating way at myself and own life and to a point it was funny - but you know that point when things just go Too Far and you can't exactly say when or why.

I'll definitely try MrsDeVere's line next time it happens - I don't think they are nasty, just a bit daft/thoughtless/immature but obviously it's struck a bit of a chord.

Maddening'bless you but all the things you mention are spontaneous. That's what no one has (understandably!) spontaneity. I am going out next week to see a show with friends and we planned it in DECEMBER! Grin The week after I'm meeting friends for lunch and coffee and shopping which was planned last week - for February! In march there's a mini break to Scotland with my best friend and also going to see a live show - again, organised, booked and paid for in November!

It isn't lacking a social life. I don't exactly feel I miss out - there are things I'd like to do more of but I do do them (don't know if that makes sense!) I that the problem mostly revolves not around not having people to do stuff with as I can generally do that if I book them months in advance but I don't have anybody to do nothing with. Think about it, whose life is built around constant amazing moments, parties and weddings and shows and shopping and concerts? I have maybe one or two a month where I do see friends and am sociable, but it's the other 29 days or so. When many people have default company through family/husband. I don't.

I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 25/01/2014 11:14

I agree with MrsDeVere and others who have said you should stop allowing yourself to be the target of workplace banter. My sister went along with similar hilarious banter about her weight and it just became acceptable to take the piss out of her size, in the guise of friendly jokery. I went postal when I saw her 50th birthday cards from her colleagues. Almost every one had a fat woman on it and/or witticisms about not eating too much cake! Angry

Actually, I think your weight is a red herring (although congratulations on your amazing weight loss so far!). FWIW I'm a sad, thin loser! I'm a single mum to a pre-schooler and I don't get invited out much as I think people assume I won't be able to get childcare (which isn't true) and my friends with children obviously want to do couply things with their child-free time. I work from home and so don't get to meet people through work. I'm very happy with my own company and don't get bored or lonely, but I really enjoyed the socialising I got to do over Christmas and so I've decided to try to get my social life back on track this year. We could do some kind of sad loser challenge if you like!

maddening · 25/01/2014 11:55

ps I have a partner and dc but if my friend wanted to go out I'd go without partner and dc - don't assume your married friends are attached at the hip - they are still your friends and may want time outside the home too.

dazzledbythesky · 25/01/2014 11:59

I'm not assuming maddening but the point is no one can be out all the time and while married people have default company at home, I don't. This means that when I am at home I'm alone.

There is absolutely no point in asking them to do anything sour of the moment - things need to be booked and organised weeks in advance, hence I DO spend an awful lot of time alone because I live alone, it's just my life.

I just wish other people wouldn't take the piss out of me for it!

OP posts:
blackandwhiteandredallover · 25/01/2014 12:08

Sounds like you have a better social life than me! It sounds like you have some nice friends and some lovely things to look forward to, I would love to see a show. And your Masters sounds great.

But yes I can understand what you mean about not having company to do the ordinary, spontaneous activities. I have never lived alone, I went from family home to house shares to living with DH. I am not sure if I would enjoy living alone.

Are all your colleagues arseholes? Grin Are there any who you would feel comfortable with suggesting a drink after work, or the cinema? Before I had kids most of my social life was through work- if you don't get on with work colleagues it makes life a bit crap.

Flossyfloof · 25/01/2014 12:25

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that company at home equates to good company and happiness. It seems possible to me that your colleagues are more or less parroting what you have said about your time at home. How many of them are doing a Masters? Exactly - and I bet it isn't because they are all busy having a wonderful time together.

jussey17 · 25/01/2014 12:35

I feel like this too and I have a dp and a dc. As you say going to something alone and coming back alone is not the same as going with/ talking to a friend. I Have few ideas but am aware that the longer it goes on the worse it gets. Could you be more proactive with the people on your MSc. I am desperate for a friend just to talk to rather than just a handful of nodding acquaintances. Wish I had the answer. Have tried with lots of mothers and spectacularly failed.
Weight is not the reason if anything being bigger IMHO makes you more approachable (rather than appearing as a striving, successful, have it all singleton who wouldn't want to know mere mortals).

shartsi · 25/01/2014 13:20

I found this article interesting. sorry dont know how to make it clicky.
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2545706/Im-desperate-love-I-spent-nine-years-alone.html

EBearhug · 25/01/2014 13:56

dazzled, you could be me - although I don't think my colleagues are laughing at me behind my back, and if they are, they have the sense to keep it behind my back rather than come out with it in front of me.

I just don't know any single people at the moment. I'm early 40s, and in the last decade, everyone was busy coupling up and having children, and I just wasn't (quite happy to consider it, just no one else seems to want to consider it with me.) I do still see people from time to time, but I've had to accept that I have to be the one who has to fit in round them, because they have no choice but to consider their children in any plans - either a child-friendly time and place, or they have to sort out babysitters, or I have to go to their house. It's just not possible to phone someone and say, "fancy a pint?" on the spur of the moment after a bad day.

I do do evening classes and exercise classes, and a few other things, like some voluntary work, and I meet acquaintances through all that, and have even been out for a pint (to discuss some plans for an event), but none of it's developed into a real friendship, and I got through things like my parents' deaths with not a lot of support, as everyone was up to their ears in nappies.

I did make sure part of my holiday last year was a group activity (yoga week), so I didn't spend my entire time alone, but also, it wasn't the entire holiday, so that if I didn't get on with the people, it wouldn't wreck the whole time (as it was, they were mostly great.) However, as I'm not used to spending so much time with people, I was also quite glad to get back to having some time for just me. I may spend too much time on my own, but I'm also used to it, and it means I also need a certain amount of time alone (just probably not quite as much as I get.) I do do quite a few things by myself at weekends - trips to London galleries, or in the summer, down to the beach and so on, because otherwise, as you say, you wouldn't do anything at all. But there are things I tend not to do because I'm on my own, and there are things I would prefer to do with someone else, but it's not always possible. I do make an effort to see if people will be about if I am going to be in their area of the country, and will maybe take an extra day so I can meet up with them, but it's a local social circle I need to develop. Not holding any more parties, though, after only three people came to the last one a few years ago - I do tend to do things on a one to one or one to small group basis these days.

I would think if you work full-time, and you're doing a masters, the amount of spare time you have is fairly limited anyway (I don't remember having much spare time at all when I did my masters.) The thing that would really bother me is people feeling they have the right to comment on it and tell me how to live my life. If I decide I want to meet someone, I will ask for help, but if I'm not asking, I don't want it unsolicited, because there's not actually an obligation to be in a relationship. I don't necessarily want or have time for a full relationship - I would just like a bit more of a social life in general, mostly the sitting round in a group and just chatting about nothing in particular. And if other people feel they need to comment on it, they can either make sure I get invited along to things, or they can sod off.

dazzledbythesky · 25/01/2014 18:38

Thank you :)

I'm not making the mistake of thinking company at home meant good company, I was pointing out salient differences in my life to a married persons and explaining that when you live alone you spend a lot of time alone because you have to - it doesn't mean you aren't putting an effort in.

OP posts:
vandubby · 27/01/2014 21:20

I know exactly what you mean. When I was new in a city I used to think that it's not people to go out with I miss, it's people to stay in with. That kind of relationship is so much harder to find.

pandarific · 27/01/2014 22:36

dazzled, how about finding the perfect flat/housemates? Hard to do, but brilliant when it works out as you have ready made friends! Alternatively, which county do you live in? We could hang out! /awkward

Kandypane · 28/01/2014 04:43

Dazzled I have read through this thread and I'm not entirely sure what you're after. You say that you're lonely but all the suggestions people come up with to help you change that you make excuses for not doing.

People have their own lives, whether they have kids or not. I don't have kids but can't remember doing something "spontaneous" since my 20s - being knackered from work every night put an end to that. So most things I do are arrange a couple of wks in advance, if not more. I don't think this is unusual.

You must stop assuming your friends are too busy to meet up. Be proactive and arrange things.

I also find it a bit concerning that your friends also date back to primary school age. When was the last time you made you made a friend? It's hard to rely on just one set of friends to keep you busy. There are loads of people in exactly the same position as you out there who are just liking for someone like you to make friends with. But you have to go out there and find them I've you want it.

I moved to a brand new city where I knew no-one and u had to put myself out there to make friends. I asked people in work out for drinks, joined a writing class, joined an art class. Don't any of your masters classmates go out for drinks after class? If not maybe you could suggest it?

However, because you don't seem to want to do any if the good suggestions offered, to me it actually seems like you are happy in your own company and the only issue is you don't like your colleagues making a mockery of it. They are being mean but maybe, in their own way, they are also trying to encourage you to socialise a bit more.

Just tell them you dont appreciate their comments.

ZillionChocolate · 28/01/2014 07:45

I agree you need to challenge the rude people at work. I also think it might be worth you putting a positive spin on your weekends if you're going to describe them on Monday morning. So maybe I went for a long walk, bought XYX at the farmer market and made Q, did a load of my coursework and watched a film. Just because you didn't go to a wedding/birthday party, doesn't mean you weren't occupied/fulfilled.

It doesn't seem that you are necessarily after more to do. If you're reasonably satisfied with life, then you can be more positive about it.