AIBU and/or selfish/stupid to consider giving up work? Or am I mad not to be a SAHM?

[stopeatingbiscuits]

We currently have two young children, one is 2 one is 4 months. God willing we would like to have more. I am on maternity leave from a very well paying city job. I have worked in this job since leaving uni and am senior but tbh have no interest in going for the top level position there as it is entirely incompatible with having a family. When at work (they would not agree to reduced hours / shorter day week last time, assume the same will be true if/when I return this time) I can pretty much arrive and leave when I need to within reason which means I can usually get back for a nanny at 6/6:30 but I often have to work once kids are in bed to get job done. I am the one who has to relieve the nanny, though if I get really stuck husband sometimes can (or she can stay later but I feel really strongly about putting them to bed).

My husband works in a very well paid job (substantially better paid than mine). Our combined income is v high but we have a mortgage and my husband feels v strongly about independent schools (we are in London and good state ones v hard to come by) and so that needs to be considered. Though his job is v well paid it is less secure than mine - eg post GFC he has moved jobs twice as the companies folded. He is now working for a much bigger company with much more job security but I think the risk is always in his mind; he was between jobs for 8 months (wanted to find the right job) the second time.

I am increasingly aware how fast this special time is going with my beautiful children and how much I love spending days with them. Don't get me wrong, it is super hard work and not without its days if boredom / grind, but I am worried if I am not at home with them for this time in their lives I will always regret it. On the flip side, giving up my career seems a massive thing to do and I would miss the mental stimulation and interaction.

If I stopped work it would impact our quality of life but not massively I think as all being well my husbands salary would increase to make up the difference. Assuming something doesn't go wrong. AT the very back of my mind are also the stories which abound on here of women in their forties and fifties whose husbands have affairs and leave them / die / have some awful illness. In the latter two scenarios I would actually be fine as we have made provision. And if eg we split up today, I would have enough for my equity in our property to buy something outright.

I just feel like I would be nervous about it either way. And guilty. On the one hand going back to work when I could be here for our children (I realise how lucky we are) but on the other hand it is a lot of pressure to put on husband being the sole earner.

WWYD?? Has anyone been in a similar position?

Do you have another option - to get a job that isn't as full on/time consuming as your current one? Maybe something part time or closer to home?

I wouldn't give up the security of what you have. Too risky with your husband's job being the only income source.

I would 100% not go back in your position, I didn't in our own and whilst we manage we are not anywhere near your income level I imagine.

I was in your situation (City finance job, senior, husband similar) and am now a SAHM. I turned down a job last year and now am back in the job market and finding another job is proving to be difficult. I dont regret turning down the other job as I could not have made it work, my kids were too young to be looked after by a nanny full time and we too dont really need the money but I just wanted to say that in my experience the City can be pretty unforgiving if you want to get back after a break. Less so if you are in tax or law I think.

Could you switch companies to find a more life friendly place? I didnt have that option and would have done that in a heartbeat if I could

I would 100% not go back in your position, I didn't in our own and whilst we manage we are not anywhere near your income level I imagine.

No-one but you and your DH can make the decision. I do think though that you need to take your DH's wishes into account too. If he is unhappy with being the sole earner (it's a lot of pressure) then that will lead to resentment building up, especially if he feels as though his hand has been forced career-wise so you can follow your heart.

Could you maybe move employer to someone who would be willing to give you a little bit more flexibility while your DC are young? To me it sounds as though you feel like you're missing out on your DC's childhood but don't want to give up working altogether - in which case it's your employer which is the problem. And your DH would probably be less troubled by the financial impact of your stopping work/more swayed by the practical arguments for your having more flexibility if there was the prospect of your increasing your hours again once they got older.

Well in theory I guess yes. Current job isn't far from home (45-60 min commute on tube). Though I am not sure I have the motivation to get something different; most jobs in my sector are similar hours and unless you go in-house part time doesn't seem to be an option and tricky even then. Plus in-house I assume I would lose the flexibility I have re getting in / leaving time. I may be wrong though, haven't looked into it much mainly because I am now in the maternity 'trap' - package I am on is v good. Needs to be repaid if you don't return or leave within 6 months which is another financial factor I would have to consider when thinking about the overall effect on us as a family.

I would love the challenge of starting my own business (in a totally different are tot hat in which I work!) but until I can think of a good idea...

We were in a similar position, I gave up work after dc1 as I'd been bullied by my replacement so she could have my job. Got no help from my bosses so I decided she was welcome to it and resigned after mat leave.

It has been hard being a sahm, but we went on to have three children and childcare would have been more than my wage so it has made economic sense. Dh has also had new jobs with substantial salary increases, which he said he could not have applied for if I wasn't at home and therefore always there to rely on for childcare.
DC is nearly 3 so I will have to find work once he is at school, and I do regret not planning my re-entry to the world of work iyswim. If I were you I would sahm, but also retrain for another career or plan to train for something in a related field when you return to work, as I think getting back to work is one of the hardest things about being a sahp.

I think the time you have with your children whilst they are young is so precious and goes so quickly, with a 2 year old you will know perfectly well that time really does fly and before you know if they will be at school.

To me this was the catalyst for recently become a full-time SAHM, despite it being a bad decision financially.

We are coping on DH's wage with very little left over each month but for me it has been the best decision as I'm not caring for my DS with half my mind on him and half my mind on work. The days can be long and let's face it fairly uninspiring but I know that in 18 months he will be at reception and these toddler days will be gone.

You sound like you are more than financially secure, although your husbands job may be precarious it sounds as if you have equity in your property and back-up options for most eventualities.

The reality is your kids are young NOW, so preparing for all eventualities is worth thinking about, but in being so cautious are you compromising on the time with you children?

My advise in this situation is always that if it is financially possible and you feel you can mentally deal with it then be a sahm every time.
Babies/children grow up really fast and you can miss so much.
I gave up a good career to be a sahm for about 8 years and I now have my own business that works around he children and I earn more than I probably would working full time once I paid childcare, plus I have flexibility for sick children, school concerts etc.
Not recruiting here by the way!!!!
The only caveat I would say is that your OH will need to support your decision so that there is no resentment.
Disclaimer - I know not everyone WANTS to be a sahm my advice is only to those who do and can afford to!

Is your husband willing to compromise on schools (lots of good state schools in London but depends where you are) or location e.g. moving to be near a state school he would accept?

I agree with the suggestion of looking for an alternative position rather than giving up work completely. In 5 years your children will be in full time school so unless you do have more you may want to be working then.

Have you a consulting option? I know it's often trotted out as the answer to everyone's prayers but could it work for it? Consult in your industry so you could still work but part time perhaps? If you do it, do it straight away though i.e. don't have time off at home first as your skills will be far more valuable when they are totally up to date. #statingtheobvious

Have you absolutely explored part time in your current role? I understand your role is senior and well paid etc and that comes with strings but they may not want to lose you more than you realise.

If the above don't work for you, give it up and enjoy the years at home. It's a privilege to be at home and have no need to return to work without a loss in lifestyle. That is my situation and I honesty don't regret not working at all. Sometimes I feel a bit like I could be "worth more" and I am conscious of the effort I feel I will need to put in with my children regarding hard work and achievement etc but I don't regret it at all.

And maybe I'll go back one day albeit not doing the same as I'm woefully out of the loop now. However, I'm no fool and I believe I could find something if I really want or need to in the future. Perhaps that's why / how I do it with no regrets? I am, apparently, totally cocksure!

I don't mean this as a dig, but what time do you spend with the DC.

If your current job is 45 -60 minutes commute each way, then that's 1.5-2 hours a day you spend just getting to work. Is moving an option? Closer to jobs/better schools maybe?

There are very few circumstances in which I'd choose to give up a career and make myself financially dependent on anyone.

In your scenario I'd return to work and/or look for another job which is more compatible with family life - you say you haven't really looked into that yet? Although have to say that being able to 'pretty much arrive and leave when I need to' sounds good to me!

Thanks for replies, really interested to hear experiences of people who have became SAHM and how they found it. Some friends who gave up after having baby #1 are now finding it v hard to get back into the market. They need the money I think as are eg determined to send kids to private schools and husbands wage not enough to cover given they had babies so close together so fees coming thick and fast.

Monicker - I am in law as it happens.

I thnk husband would prefer our children to have me at home but at the same time having experienced the stress of the job market when economy on its knees is a bit wary of putting all eggs in one basket. As am I tbh. Maybe that is my answer - I would never want to force his hand either way. It is hard though because when I am at work I have to juggle everything else and My career doesn't take priority which is fine - his does as it is more lucrative / realistically going to be the one that keeps us- but difficult to juggle when so senior. And I don't particularly love my job (which is the same for many if us I guess!). And on the other hand the constant guilt about leaving my babies at home (cannot currently imagine leaving two of them tho everyone has told me it is easier returning the second time!).

We prob need to talk properly about it - am really thinking out loud here, was just interested to see what other views would be. Of my friends which are SAHM, none of them gave up high-paying jobs. Of my WOHM friends, one who is V senior would secretly like to be a SAHM but her husband (she is higher earner) likes her to work to maintain lifestyle, and the others work to continue to have two incomes / diversify risk etc etc.

I gave up my city job to be with my kids with DH's blessing. One big change (specially for dh) is that before we didn't really have to think about how much we spent, if we wanted a holiday we just booked it, if we wanted some furniture we just bought it. Now we need to plan our finances very carefully. I manage our finances and DH (more or less) asks me before buying anything. He was used to spending for a long time so it has taken some adjustment.

We both believe it is important for me to be there for the children. I would have never left them at the care of a stranger at some a young age. I guess I am a bit of a control freak and I like to decide what they eat, if they can watch tv, if they should go out for a walk or not,etc. We have a great great bond and I truly believe it would be as great if I was out of the house for so many hours everyday.

My advice to you if you want to go ahead: Either find a volunteering or part time job that will keep your cv active, or find something you can retrain in with a long term view to going back to work in some years.

Law? What about becoming a PSL (is that the right acronym?) then?

Less client demands (no client demands!) and fewer (long) hour days....could you manage that in your firm? Any openings?

It depends if your willing to change your lifestyle really doesn't it, as obviously it will be a big drop of income. Personally I would consider moving out of London, but near enough so your dh can commute, buying a cheaper house in a good state school catchment area.

I would totally consider moving out of London where there are lovely state schools but the commute for my husband would mean he would never see the children (he starts at 7:30 and finishes about 6-7pm). We have recently considered this as are hoping to move within London. Also tbh not sure he could be convinced re state schools (I may be wrong. To be clear I was state educated all the way, he was privately educated).

What time do I spend with children - when not on mat leave, nanny starts at 8 but I would usually leave 9ish so have ad couple hours in the morning then get back as early as I can (best case 5:30, worst 6:30) to do play/bath/bed. Also tried to work at home on Fridays so at least could do all meals etc and a sneaky play if not busy. But I obv have to make the time up and get the work done once they are in bed which can mean v late nights.

I worry about you saying you'd miss the work and mental stimulation

I was on contract work after DS abd that was great - work ft for a free months, not work for a few months. Since DD it's been pointless as I don't earn enough to cover the childcare and then we emigrated and now I'm waiting on my work visa.

I hate being a SAHM and am waiting to hear if my application for volunteering once a week has been accepted.

If you can get a job that's pt so you have best of both worlds, I'd advise that personally. But only you can decide.

Hats off to women who are fulfilled and love being SAHM and my experience is probably coloured because I would rather be in work anyway, but I find it hard and soulless and drudgery and have such ingrained self loathing because I am wracked with guilt over my shitty parenting and deep deep loss of self worth as I feel myself disappearing into the lives of 3 other people. If you're used to a high powered career, the change might also be difficult to such an extreme as ft SAHM

I worked in the city until eldest went to school. I found childcare for school aged children and work completely incompatible. Like you I could not get altered hours to help. Nannies are great when kids are young but when they are at school it is much more difficult. A friend is having discussions with her nanny ATM about what will happen in sept when all the kids are at school and nanny won't be needed most of the day.

Personally, I would go back but revisit later when children are older. An unfashionable view. But it was not the cost but the availability of childcare for school age children that made me a SAHM.

Yes PSL is the obvious answer but it is sewn up in my group, but I am going to try and investigate this a bit further / see if I could negotiate something there. Thing is there are 3 women returning from mat leave before me who I am pretty sure all have the same plan (my group v male dominated - all of a sudden they have all these mothers to deal with!). It is the client demands that make my job so stressful to juggle with a family. I would still be out of the house for the majority of the day though. If I could get less than a five day week that would be the answer.

There are many fabulous schools in London, both primary and secondary. Has your DH actually been to visit any? If he could shift on the private school idea, then there could be room for new choices.

I work 4 days a week with a big commute and I very heavy workload. My husband works freelance. The security my job brings is essential. The recession battered my dh's industry and while the situation is much better, it left us very bruised.

There are many days when I wish I could be at home more often. I live in a very naice town and am surrounded by women who are SAHMs because their husbands earn an absoloute shed load in the city. Its hard sometimes to not be a little envious. But if I was a SAHM, the financial pressure on both of us would be too great. I am very lucky that I am at home on Fridays.

So I can't offer you any real advice. Apart from keep talking to your husband and remember it doesn't matter what happened last time, you do have the right to request to reduce your days to part time. Perhaps requesting a year of part time and then back to full time is worth considering.

Also don't underestimate how it will make you feel to be utterly financially dependent on another person. You brought it up yourself as a worry so it's worth really thinking about how you feel about it