AIBU and/or selfish/stupid to consider giving up work? Or am I mad not to be a SAHM?

[stopeatingbiscuits]

We currently have two young children, one is 2 one is 4 months. God willing we would like to have more. I am on maternity leave from a very well paying city job. I have worked in this job since leaving uni and am senior but tbh have no interest in going for the top level position there as it is entirely incompatible with having a family. When at work (they would not agree to reduced hours / shorter day week last time, assume the same will be true if/when I return this time) I can pretty much arrive and leave when I need to within reason which means I can usually get back for a nanny at 6/6:30 but I often have to work once kids are in bed to get job done. I am the one who has to relieve the nanny, though if I get really stuck husband sometimes can (or she can stay later but I feel really strongly about putting them to bed).

My husband works in a very well paid job (substantially better paid than mine). Our combined income is v high but we have a mortgage and my husband feels v strongly about independent schools (we are in London and good state ones v hard to come by) and so that needs to be considered. Though his job is v well paid it is less secure than mine - eg post GFC he has moved jobs twice as the companies folded. He is now working for a much bigger company with much more job security but I think the risk is always in his mind; he was between jobs for 8 months (wanted to find the right job) the second time.

I am increasingly aware how fast this special time is going with my beautiful children and how much I love spending days with them. Don't get me wrong, it is super hard work and not without its days if boredom / grind, but I am worried if I am not at home with them for this time in their lives I will always regret it. On the flip side, giving up my career seems a massive thing to do and I would miss the mental stimulation and interaction.

If I stopped work it would impact our quality of life but not massively I think as all being well my husbands salary would increase to make up the difference. Assuming something doesn't go wrong. AT the very back of my mind are also the stories which abound on here of women in their forties and fifties whose husbands have affairs and leave them / die / have some awful illness. In the latter two scenarios I would actually be fine as we have made provision. And if eg we split up today, I would have enough for my equity in our property to buy something outright.

I just feel like I would be nervous about it either way. And guilty. On the one hand going back to work when I could be here for our children (I realise how lucky we are) but on the other hand it is a lot of pressure to put on husband being the sole earner.

WWYD?? Has anyone been in a similar position?

If you give up work, would your H support you, now and in the long term, eg if you couldn't get well-paid work in 5 years time but wanted to return to work or retrain or you secured a well-paid job with longer hours? Would he be able to cope with the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, and you with being a SAHM.

I would never personally give up my (not massive!) earning power. If I stopped work and had a break I reckon wouldn't be able to get back into my current field, and would need to take a job on much, much lower pay and little prospect of PT. Retraining would mean debt.

It is almost always women who go PT or give up work and the men carry on working FT and more than FT. It is difficult for women and men in work who are trying to both work and keep hours reasonable to compete with colleagues with no DC and men with SAHM covering all the domestics.

Getting good childcare for the six months you need to work so as not to repay the maternity pay should be reasonably straightforward, you could do that and see how you feel. Then if you quit you won't lose that money.

Working 4 days a week in law is just 5 days on less pay. Just sayin'!

Most PSL roles barely cover child care costs in London so think how much you want to work at all before you ex

Sorry posted too soon
Before you consider this option.

Also, and I speak from bitter experience - once you've been a PSL it is very very hard to get back into few earning in some corporate/finance departments...

Oh God sorry! I mean fee earning...

Sorry, nap finished (incidentally first time since #2's birth that he has slept for 2 hrs at the same time as #1!).

We are currently in Kensington but trying to move, likely to Hammersmith and Fulham. I think we will more than likely end up going private for schools if in London.

Yes the thought of getting out of the market and not being able to get back in easily if something went very wrong is a scary one. Also I do in some ways think I would feel like I would lose a bit of identity if I packed my job in... Not that I love it or measure myself by it (consciously at least - in some level I do but that's a whole other thread) but apart from anything else I have been at it ten years, I am institutionalised!

Totally agree on the 5 days work for 4 days pay though - have heard people at smaller / non magic circle city firms where they have got a 4 day week say this exact thing. For me what would he brilliant would be not to have to worry about a blackberry between 5pm and 7am!

I think if you go PSL in our place you are done with fee earning.

Also to be clear I don't necessarily have to be at work for us to be able to afford private school fees, though again that assumes no catastrophe involving husband's job.

ami - what you describe you do is something I would love to do, being involved in the community / charity / voluntary work. Sounds very fulfilling.

We were in same boat, same city careers. I gave up work for 18 months to be SAHM. Had to return in the end as I went slowly mad without the structure, the buzz, the challenges and so on. HATED having no demands on my time and couldn't function without deadlines. I think I was a pretty crap mother too as was very stressed all the time and never learned how to chill.

In the time I was out I built up my own consultancy as something to do with my time and i have now ended up back in full-time work and running the consultancy on top, and far far busier than I ever was before, but enjoying it.

Knowing what I know now I would never give up work. I was really lucky to fall back into a great role.

Things to consider in your position:-

1. go in-house. One bank I worked in had almost the whole legal dept on flexi/part time and it worked really well.
2. go to one of the big4. Still hard work but less so than magic circle and they bend over backwards to let senior people do part time.
3. check out niche interim/part time exec search companies if you are senior enough. I can give you some recommendations if you PM me.

Starting a consultancy or business of your own is not somthing I'd recommend unless you have a great network. Although I love it now (and cant quite believe how personally and financially rewarding it is), I'm not sure I'd do it again. Lots of stress.

I'm early 60s and look back on my time as SAHM as the best time of my life, even though we were totally broke and lived on baked potatoes and baked beans.
I bought fruit but only for the DCs.

it would have been better if we there had been more money, but it was a wonderful time.

Squiffy - the Big4 pay lip service to part time but they do not "bend over backwards" to accommodate it.

I speak from experience! It is a long hours culture, I appreciate less that a magic circle law firm but even if you worked to rule and did 9-5, 5 days a week, you're a weak link.

I speak with experience having had feedback from the partners, that I am not contributing as much as the others (no children, men who have SAHM wives) and my performance rating and bonus (or lack of) reflects this! This is all fine with HR apparently!!!

I would stat in your job if I was you definitely. Uou have a well paid job you enjoy there is no way I would give that up.

Exactly right Skibeck. There is always someone with no children / a SAHM wife with whom it is impossible to compete if you don't want to / are not willing to spend every waking hour at work / on conf calls / sucking up to clients. It shouldn't be so extreme.

I was one of the best lawyers in my group at my level, but when I announced my second pregnancy I was pretty much sidelined / only given rubbish deals / holiday cover. It was odd, I didn't notice it first time round perhaps because we hadn't at that point been through the whole flex working request procedure. It is hard though because at the same time I don't want to be doing deals with eg round the clock timelines (anything with NY and Japan together for instance) because you literally have to be on call the whole time especially towards the end of the deal.

Basically have to make peace with doing less exciting deals / being handed the crap stuff which nevertheless needs a 'safe pair of hands', and accepting career progressions very much limited.

I enjoy very limited aspects of it... I don't enjoy having to say 'how high' every time a client says jump (in fact I am rubbish at this, I think I am probably perceived by some as not being accommodating enough) - I hate the 'we need this by open tomorrow' culture when actually the end of the week would be fine. There is a LOT of testosterone in my group / sector and to be fair clients pay top dollar to have lawyers at their beck and call. But everything has limits. And being client facing in this way of big deals does not fit with spending any proper time at home.

Perhaps I should have better researched the realities of my career via a vis family life! Though I was 21, not sure who thinks that far ahead really.

I would look for another post which you feel gives you a better balance. In your situation id be reluctant to completely give up my career. At the end of the day though its a decision for you and your DH to make

In terms of the private schools - I think having you at home would be more of a benefit that private school, personally. Or you had a really good suggestion above about moving. Good luck, it is such a hard decision.

I'll stick my two penneth worth in if I may, .

We were never on an earning level like you describe but I worked full time [ school hours I admit are manna for some]

Ds2 was a bad sleeper and my job was physically and mentally demanding. I left my job when ds2 was 10 months old and it was the best decision ever.

Admittedly it's been irritating trying to get back into work now they're teens, we also had another child after I'd stopped working.

With your skill set you should be able to find and work in a job to suit you and hours.

Schools and your dh's opinions will be the deciding factor.

Go for it, good luck!

I do PT PSL work. Similar to you, I am fortunate enough to work because I want to not because I need to financially. I do regret giving up fee-earning so soon (my eldest is 9 and it was much harder then to return to fee-earning, much less support), or having children youngish and not establishing myself in a good in house job first. I like to think I will go back to a client-facing role (possibly in house) one day. But on the upside, I am reasonably well paid, sometimes do interesting work, like my office and my colleagues, and am grateful every day that I didn't leave the workplace. I love my days at home but when I see mothers with children who are 7 and up struggling to return to work after a long break, I thank my lucky stars I didn't make that decision.

Take as much mat leave as you want and then go back - take every maternity "phase in"/reduced hours that's offered to you, try to get a client secondment, try something new. But please go back and give it a try.

Just be realistic about your options in returning to work.

I have loved being a SAHM - enjoyed every minute of it, have plenty of interesting & fulfilling voluntary work comittments. Never felt bored or taken for granted by DH & DC.

However - our financial situation has changed dramatically & trying to get back into work in your mid 50s is a nightmare . You never think your situation will change but it can - death/divorce/redundancy/illness/sheer bad luck can affect anyone and if I had my chance again I would not have given up my well paid job/pension/health care/company car etc .

I think realistically I will at least go back for the six months which means I don't have to pay back the maternity pay, as that will give me more time to decide. Though if we have another could be pregnant during that! I was only back six months last time before I told them I was pregnant (at which point was three months) and I think they were a bit pis sed off but obviously couldn't say anything. Also I hated the first three months back - really hated - but it seemed a bit better once I was pregnant because from the second I got the positive test I was focused on the next mat leave. Is that normal??

Job share with one of the other mothers due to return soon?

Otherwise, yes in-house is open to PT work (I have worked PT at two blue-chip companies).

Job share doesn't really work in a transactional legal group where an awful lot can happen in an hour let alone a day - would spend the whole time trying to catch up on what had happened on the days off. It was raised at various meetings by other returning women and rejected...

Annoying as in theory that would work really well.

I must say I feel you are inclined to leave your job. You keep arguing against staying. I know you are 'exploring' the idea but really you seem to want to find persuasion to take the leap. Which might exist in:

Your DH's role is reasonably secure, very well paid and he is reasonably employable by the sounds of it. There will always be 'what if?' but realistically this doesn't sound like a huge risk.

You have already thought about what if? and have lots of contingency plans anyway, including moving half a mile down the road :)

Your DH is the one insisting on private education. It doesn't seem fair to require you to earn just so you can contribute to a cost you don't necessarily believe in - and anyway I gather you could still afford this with just his salary.

As someone else here has said - what will you regret missing most? Some been-there done-that deals at work which aren't really inspiring you much at the moment or spending some unique moments with your DCs and feeling like you were involved and there in their young lives?

You have clearly had a great career to date, and no doubt will again - you have earnt the right and time to just be a mum for a few years. And given the amount of brains, commitment and energy it has taken to get to your position today, I don't doubt that a person with such traits will find something rewarding again once the DCs are older. Of all scenarios, you sound like you have least to fear over the job market and financial instability.

And yes you can get involved in local voluntary roles which interest you and still get that kind of stimulation, if not more because it might start to mean a bit more to your values - plus meet loads of other stay at home parents (and non) who are bright, educated, cultured, intellectual.

As for will you like it or 'go mad'? you can judge a bit by maternity leave and how you found that -some of being a SAHM can seem banal, repetitive, unimportant, aimless etc - and telling people you are that is also weird at first - but if you see it in the 'bigger picture' you realise that it is all valuable, and the fulfilling moments with the DCs between all the routine are magical.

You can tell which camp I am in personally, and if your gut feel is that it's better to stay at work, do. But if it is the other way, and I have a hunch it is, then give yourself licence to make that choice.