AIBU and/or selfish/stupid to consider giving up work? Or am I mad not to be a SAHM?

[stopeatingbiscuits]

We currently have two young children, one is 2 one is 4 months. God willing we would like to have more. I am on maternity leave from a very well paying city job. I have worked in this job since leaving uni and am senior but tbh have no interest in going for the top level position there as it is entirely incompatible with having a family. When at work (they would not agree to reduced hours / shorter day week last time, assume the same will be true if/when I return this time) I can pretty much arrive and leave when I need to within reason which means I can usually get back for a nanny at 6/6:30 but I often have to work once kids are in bed to get job done. I am the one who has to relieve the nanny, though if I get really stuck husband sometimes can (or she can stay later but I feel really strongly about putting them to bed).

My husband works in a very well paid job (substantially better paid than mine). Our combined income is v high but we have a mortgage and my husband feels v strongly about independent schools (we are in London and good state ones v hard to come by) and so that needs to be considered. Though his job is v well paid it is less secure than mine - eg post GFC he has moved jobs twice as the companies folded. He is now working for a much bigger company with much more job security but I think the risk is always in his mind; he was between jobs for 8 months (wanted to find the right job) the second time.

I am increasingly aware how fast this special time is going with my beautiful children and how much I love spending days with them. Don't get me wrong, it is super hard work and not without its days if boredom / grind, but I am worried if I am not at home with them for this time in their lives I will always regret it. On the flip side, giving up my career seems a massive thing to do and I would miss the mental stimulation and interaction.

If I stopped work it would impact our quality of life but not massively I think as all being well my husbands salary would increase to make up the difference. Assuming something doesn't go wrong. AT the very back of my mind are also the stories which abound on here of women in their forties and fifties whose husbands have affairs and leave them / die / have some awful illness. In the latter two scenarios I would actually be fine as we have made provision. And if eg we split up today, I would have enough for my equity in our property to buy something outright.

I just feel like I would be nervous about it either way. And guilty. On the one hand going back to work when I could be here for our children (I realise how lucky we are) but on the other hand it is a lot of pressure to put on husband being the sole earner.

WWYD?? Has anyone been in a similar position?

I'm an ex lawyer, now civil servant. Have you considered the Government Legal Service? You would be pretty much guaranteed part time working, flexible hours and part year working (i.e. term time only). It's obviously a lot less money, but the pension and benefits are good and there are no chargeable hours! I considered it when I was working in the city (magic circle) but at that time (pre-DCs) I was keen to stay on the big salary.

I tried to go back to law (large regional) after DD1, but it just didn't work for me. I didn't enjoy the work, it wasn't really flexible and as others have said, 4 days a week is just a full time job with a 20% pay cut in real terms. They wouldn't agree to 3 days.

I have taken the option of re-training (with a major financial hit, but it's worth it to me to get the long-term flexibility) and I'm much happier. I did have a longish period (9 months or so) between leaving my last legal job (exhausted and miserable) and starting my current job, and that was enough time for me to know that I definitely didn't want to be at home full time. At the end of my training (4 years!) I will be able to work school hours, term time only. I won't be getting paid a huge salary, but the full time equivalent is not much less than I would be paid as an associate at a regional firm - plus, I will have very marketable skills and could move into the private sector for much more money if I ever needed to.

Perhaps you need to discount your current job, as it does seem that it won't offer you flexibility to allow you be with the children as much as you'd like - but perhaps consider whether there is another job out there that would give you a degree of financial independence, some mental stimulation, adult conversation or whatever other things you might like to achieve by going out to work (accepting that 'pay the bills' isn't on the list, which actually gives you a lot of options).

AndSheRose - what a fantastic post. I think you've summed up my situation as well as the OP's. I've found it hard to articulate and justify why I want to stay at home but you've really helped put some perspective on it. Thanks!

in a flash they will be at school nursery from 3?just gone three for as many sessions as you like ( pre school nursery), i would stay at home, you can work till you die if you wish you can work till your 80 if you want, by then your dc may not even like you, you may not even see your GC, you may have fallen out, all died in a horrid accident, you may want to leave your DH for someone who happens to be far richer, but right now. Time is ticking, ticking ticking....and you will never ever ever get these childhood years back, one, two three years? they will never ever ever return....thats a fact, whether you can get back into your job, that you can do tilll old age however is a different matter and open to debate.

I think you need to look at changing career path in the medium to long term. The trouble with Law is oversupply, especially, I would imagine, in the City. Once you go, an orderly queue of childless hungry lawyers willing to pull 15 hour shifts will gather to fill your shoes. Having 3 maternity leaves in quick succession won't endear you to your employers either. Do you really want to be a SAHM? It sounds like you want to give it a try. I work part time, and this and having my second child was career suicide. It has taken me a long time to accept this, but now I am thinking of doing even less than I do now, and I'm not that bothered about whether or not I'll have a career again. I would say that I think you need to have some sort of plan for the future. I have SAHM friends who had high powered careers who are finding it incredibly difficult to get back into work, whereas I have kept up my experience and skills and as a result am able to work from home and be a bit more flexible. If you are thinking of starting a new career in a new place after a few years out, you may have to put the hours in at first in order to build up to the same level of experience.

I was a WOHM, desperate to be a SAHM.

I am a SAHM, desperate for a bloody job (money mainly as started voluntary thing Today.

I don't think there is anything approaching a right or wrong way if the rent is paid, I was at my happiest as a ft student as I loved what I was doing, but was miserable in a job that bored me and now worrying about money (am looking for work but will never be a dual ft wage family as carer responsibilities).

Within the parameters of family and income, the ideal balance is individual.

Skibeck - really happy to have helped :) It took me a while to work these things out myself, it is really hard to know what is the 'right' thing to do - by yourself, your DCs, DH, society at large - and whatever decision you make you feel you have to really demonstrably enjoy it or thrive at it because you have made a big declaration and/or sacrifice, but actually you are allowed to just go with the flow for a while.

We're poor as church mice since I gave up my job and DP works on 3 month contracts so we are always at risk but I'm glad I gave up to be with DS he's only going to be small for a few years then we have nursery, school, college/uni then he'll be living his own life these first few years are for us just to be together I wouldn't give them up for the world.

It really doesn't have to be a binary choice between FT transactional law in a city firm and SAHM. Fine if you want to do either of those things, but there is plenty in between.

There are a number of PT women at my firm (regional). It seems to work for them.

I can understand why the transactional international markets stuff isn't very flexible, but it should be possible for you to move into a different area that doesn't involve being at work all the time a market is open somewhere in the world.

Another PT lawyer here, although not in the City. Better jobs are out there if you look: sounds like you need a better job anyway.

Going back to work to pay school fees is a bit bonkers though, especially when London has loads and loads of excellent state schools. If it's that important to your dh, then he is BVU, and I certainly wouldn't go back just for that.

Personally I wouldn't want to not WIH though, but not everyone feels the same.

AndSheRose - I think spot on for me too tbh.

I don't love my job so am generally a bit wary about moving into a similar job though I do wonder if anther job was more family friendly I would enjoy it more. I would like to try something totally different if - I am quite crafty, I fantasise about eg opening a craft shop! - but I worry I am too risk averse which I guess why this thread exists.

I know it doesn't have to be a choice between FT transactional law and SAHM but I feel that is where I am in my life at the mo - I feel like I want more children, maybe even 2 or 3 more - and midway through that probably not the right time to be trying to prove myself at a new firm.

I think your post says it all really- if you don't feel cheered by the positive experiences people have shared about the possibilities of continuing law in-house, PT or in a different specialism, then it seems clear that really, you want to stop doing it altogether.

But- you are on mat leave. I'm not sure that would have been the best time for me to make a decision like that. When you're at home with two babies, the thought of working in a pressured job seems ridiculous. But once you're back, you might feel differently. What's the downside of deferring the decision a while?

No downside, save that if I go back I am leaving my babies in the care of someone else. The nanny we had was brilliant and I will try and get her back! I feel quite emotional about it because we have no family close by (husbands parents an hour away but quite hands off/busy with other grand children and mine live hundreds of miles away) and so it really is just us and a nanny when we have one.

I am pretty sure I will go back at least for six months, that will give me more time to be sure I am making the right choice. I am acutely aware though that that six months would be such a special six months I would be missing out on firsts / lovely memories with my children.

It is easy to romanticise it I know given how much hard work the day to day grind is, but this is not my first rodeo and it was literally heart breaking going back last time. I guess I have to try it though. I just struggle with the guilt. Guilt for working, guilt for not. I would feel like somehow I had less of a say / was on uneven footing if I wasn't working - so used to earning and contributing financially to the household. But then every day I left #1 with the nanny I felt guilty for doing it to go to a job I enjoy about 10% of the time.

I know there is no easy answer and it is a decision we have to make as a family but it is really good to hear the experience of others.

In hindsight I wonder if one of the reasons I found returning so emotional was to do with the fact I was still BF (just morning and night). He was 12.5 months when I went back and I fed him until 16 months which was incidentally also when I got pregnant with #2...

My husband is a lawyer (partner in one of the big NYC firms) so I can see your predicament. Most of my friends who are lawyers and mums have either moved into the in-house or non-profit sectors, changed careers altogether to give them more flexibility, have become SAHMs, or have husbands whose jobs have flexible hoursteaching, for exampleand the men do the bulk of the childcare. It seems to be the rare woman (I'd argue almost non-existent) who is a lawyer and mother at a big firm, and actually most female partners I know are childless or single, and not always by choice, which is a crying shame in this day and age.

If I was you, I would stay working, stay within law, but change sectors. You could always move back to firm life once the kids are older, and it doesn't sound as if your joint finances need you to be in the hard slog game for now.

I have given up a fantastic job which I loved and was exciting and full of brilliant clever people trying to do good things to look after a now 2.8 and 5 month old. They are, rather obviously, the most precious things in my and my husband's life, so I don't want someone else to have the pleasure of watching all the bonkers things they do.

OfThere is a lot of drudgery, and I do miss work, and I am much less organised and productive outside of work, but I really really want to be the person listening to their meanderings and pulling them out of the play gym and whatnot. I don't think anyone else can do it as well as me, and probably lots of people can do my old job just as well, if not better.