AIBU and/or selfish/stupid to consider giving up work? Or am I mad not to be a SAHM?

[stopeatingbiscuits]

We currently have two young children, one is 2 one is 4 months. God willing we would like to have more. I am on maternity leave from a very well paying city job. I have worked in this job since leaving uni and am senior but tbh have no interest in going for the top level position there as it is entirely incompatible with having a family. When at work (they would not agree to reduced hours / shorter day week last time, assume the same will be true if/when I return this time) I can pretty much arrive and leave when I need to within reason which means I can usually get back for a nanny at 6/6:30 but I often have to work once kids are in bed to get job done. I am the one who has to relieve the nanny, though if I get really stuck husband sometimes can (or she can stay later but I feel really strongly about putting them to bed).

My husband works in a very well paid job (substantially better paid than mine). Our combined income is v high but we have a mortgage and my husband feels v strongly about independent schools (we are in London and good state ones v hard to come by) and so that needs to be considered. Though his job is v well paid it is less secure than mine - eg post GFC he has moved jobs twice as the companies folded. He is now working for a much bigger company with much more job security but I think the risk is always in his mind; he was between jobs for 8 months (wanted to find the right job) the second time.

I am increasingly aware how fast this special time is going with my beautiful children and how much I love spending days with them. Don't get me wrong, it is super hard work and not without its days if boredom / grind, but I am worried if I am not at home with them for this time in their lives I will always regret it. On the flip side, giving up my career seems a massive thing to do and I would miss the mental stimulation and interaction.

If I stopped work it would impact our quality of life but not massively I think as all being well my husbands salary would increase to make up the difference. Assuming something doesn't go wrong. AT the very back of my mind are also the stories which abound on here of women in their forties and fifties whose husbands have affairs and leave them / die / have some awful illness. In the latter two scenarios I would actually be fine as we have made provision. And if eg we split up today, I would have enough for my equity in our property to buy something outright.

I just feel like I would be nervous about it either way. And guilty. On the one hand going back to work when I could be here for our children (I realise how lucky we are) but on the other hand it is a lot of pressure to put on husband being the sole earner.

WWYD?? Has anyone been in a similar position?

America - yes you are onto something there; although I had a year being a SAHM with #1 and am 4 months in with #2, I always knew I had my job to go back to. I wonder how I would feel about being a SAHM without that. And amongst the massive guilt of returning, I did enjoy on quiet days being able to wander down to Pret to get a sandwich / go to the loo alone!!

God it's hard to know what to do for the best (tho appreciate massively first world problem).

I often wonder how I would feel if I got made redundant and paid out - I know the other working mums in my group are praying this will happen!

Yes - have worked since age 14. Cannot image not being able to spend my own money and having to get everything from husband...

Am I answering my own question here??

But then I think maybe I should get over that for the benefit of the children??

Gagh.

Just a few suggestions..... As a professional can you go self employed and explore training or lecturing in your profession?

I am an accountant and took redundancy from a high paid job on my 3rd maternity leave (the job they wanted me to do was incompatible with 3 little ones and a professional husband....)

Anyway I am now an examiner for the professional exams, offer consultancy services, lecture....

There is a whole spectrum of work done by experienced professional women with kids that is not really known about

Speak to your professional body, local university's and colleges.

Just a suggestion to keep the brain ticking whilst still enjoying your little ones.

I can honestly say it's the best thing I have ever done! My child care cost is minimal whilst the income I have equals or exceeds what I would have had back at work after paying for a nanny etc.

Good luck

I'm all for staying at work but I can see your dilemma here. Fee-earning law isn't great for families, not if both partners are working full-time. DP and I work full-time, and it only really works for us because he does shift work.

For me, being entirely finacially dependent and the long-term implications of leaving work and then trying to return after years out - especially in a profession which has required a lot of training and is very specialised - is hugely important and I would have a real issue with that, more so than being a SAHM (because as much as I love my DC, I know I'm not cut out to be at home with her all day every day!)

In your position, I think I would start job-hunting know for something in-house or as a PSL. There are plenty of city firms that are expanding at the moment and hiring in PSL, client manager type roles (I should know, I've literally just joined one myself ). If nothing comes up I would return to work and give it a few months while still job-hunting to reappraise the situation.

I am also a lawyer and don't think its necessarily as black & white as you make out (although obviously depends on your specialisation). I think there may be other opportunities outside of the City which mean you don't have to make a decision to give up your career completely, or be a SAHM. I think there is some compromise between the 2. I accept that in lots of ways, you are 'trapped' by having to repay maternity pay / having to prove yourself if you went elsewhere, but have you spoken to any recruitment consultants? Do you have any part-time lawyer contacts (or contacts in firms which are slightly more part-time friendly). I have worked 3 days since having children – every one of my colleagues (all men at the time) said a 3 day week in a contentious specialism would not work so I asked for a 3 month trial period. Proved that I could do it without much disruption to client service etc. Don't get me wrong, I've often felt invisible, I've worked from home on my days off at nap times, in the evenings and weekends sometimes, every man and his dog has been promoted over me, but its meant I haven't given up my career completely. I've kept my hand in for the point in time when children have grown / are at school etc. I do have lawyer friends who have given it up to be SAHMs but with the intention of never going back (they've changed career paths completely).

I'm in a similar situation to you OP. I'm due to go back to work after my second maternity leave imminently and I'm dreading it. I work in the city but commute in so I spend over three hours travelling a day, work a 9-5 day then pick up the kids from their 11 hour stint in nursery to just put them to bed.

I 'm going to go back and just see how it goes. If physically getting out the door with two kids by 7 in the morning is not possible or exhausting us all I'll just hand my notice in.

I am worried about losing ground on my CV but I 'll never have this time again with them while they're small. And I HATE my job!

Fiona - sadly there is no way they will consider part time (in my current role anyway). If they would that would be holy grail. They say it can't be balanced with client demands, which is right tbh (not saying it should be thus, but it is) - I am basically expected to be on call / responding to e-mails virtually 24/7 and this doesn't work if I clock off at 5pm or don't come in on Fridays.

Yes I should def look for alternatives and think outside the box - I know someone who was a city lawyer and now lectures ant one of the law schools for example - but I am also mindful of swapping a job for a bit less hours but a lot less money if you see what I mean, given cost of a nanny.

I should speak to some RCs I guess, they ring me often enough.

Lots of good ideas here - thank you!

I know nothing about law, but perhaps suggesting a job share with another college who has children.

I left a city job for 7 years when mine were small and went back, initially to the same employer but fairly soon thereafter to the public sector. If you pick somewhere with a very good pension scheme, you can have your cake and eat it- a less pressurised job while your kids are small, with smaller commute and lower salary while your DH is earning BUT a much bigger pension than you would get in private sector.

I have no tips on living in London with children- my solution would be based on grammar schools- but your DH might be interested in this months tatler Magazine which has an article on the best state schools, written from the perspective of a die-hard private school user. If he already commutes 60 minutes within London, as you say you do, then you might be surprised where you could live.

I would certainly look at schools too, what catchment does ur house fall into? If its a good primary school with a good chance of getting in is very different to a not so good school or a lot of uncertainity. It can make a big difference to the financial consideration for you.

To be honest your job doesn't sound to bad regarding having some flexibility in start / finish times / working 1 day from home. Most jobs don't have that.
I presume you could afford a cleaner / gardener etc, so you could make sure your not to busy doing house stuff whilst the kids are awake?
It sounds like you have worked hard to get to where you are, I'm not sure it's that sensible to give it all up.
Another point to bare in mind is that kids don't get easier or cheaper when they get older, you'll have to organise pay / for before and after school care plus 13 weeks of holidays (more if private).

I hear so many mums say they'll go back to work once the kids are at school and then realise that they are out of touch with the working world, and that childcare for the older age group is even harder to find / more expensive. Therefore few that I know of ever actually return.
You also say that you have had a taste of being finically dependant on your dh whilst on maternity leave, but I presume you have had maternity pay / your savings. It's not the same.
But at the end of the day it's only a decision you and your dh can make. Good luck.

When I worked in-house (law, like you) it was before I had DD and wasn't in London, but my experience is that it is much more likely to be flexible (including part-time work) than a city law firm. Where I work currently (private practice), there is a lot of flexibility for people with children but my team is one of the niche ones and I think the position would be very different if, for example, I was in the Corporate team. So if I were you I would definitely look at in-house - maybe just start by speaking to clients with in-house legal teams to get an idea of how flexible they might be.

This is totally my personal view and not intended to be a criticism of anyone else.

The way I see it, money comes and goes but being with your children as they grow up is genuinely a once in a lifetime experience. Being a SAHM is sometimes hard but I love it. I am very lucky that by pure luck I got a part time job working from home before dd was born so I do have money coming in now. Even without that though I wouldn't trade my life for any amount of money.

The way I decide on things like this is to think about how I would feel on my deathbed. Will you be glad you were available for clients 24/7?

God that question makes me feel even worse. If it carries on the way it is, on my deathbed I will be bitterly regretting not having a career or financial independence..

If you're going to go down the private school route I personally wouldn't do it on one salary if job security is an issue.

I took nearly 3 years out and was lucky to get back into a job within a couple of weeks of looking, but that's VERY unusual and it was only because the interviewers knew me from a previous company that they even looked at me. I went back mainly because we wanted to educate our children privately and be able to save towards university etc as well. Neither of use felt at ease doing that on just DH's salary, although it was achievable with some sacrifices. I work part-time and it would be very easy to step up my hours should something happen with DH's job to fill the short fall.

If I were in your shoes I'd look at maybe moving somewhere with better state schools. If you were a SAHM, it wouldn't matter so much if your DH was commuting further although of course he'd need to be on board with that too.

I have been a SAHM since my third son was born and financially dependant on my husband since we had our first 5.5 years ago ( I studied in between the two). Initially the financial dependance on him was hard to adjust to but it works for us, it's our money not his.

I studied full time which involved full time work placements 50% of the time when I had just two children! it was fine and totally do-able and on the whole I enjoyed it. Now I have three, it would be neigh on impossible for logistical, financial and emotional reasons. My advice to you would be to remain in work if you think a DC3 is definitely on the cards, after that baby come would be a better time to be one a SAHM. It's actually quite good being a SAHM especially since DS3 has started sleeping properly, we do nice things, I manage to go to the gym y using their crèche, do the school run etc. for now I enjoy it, I think there's one more baby on the cards and after that child is at school work or study will resume.

Just though I'd add our kids go or will go to a state school so no private school fees for us. What part of London are you?

I have done FT working, PT working, consultancy from home and finally, after four children, decided to give up completely and be a SAHM. It's been really hard for me to give up my professional career, even though by the time I left I wasn't really enjoying it any more - but I have spent time volunteering, opening a Free School in our town, and getting involved with the children's school etc in order to keep my brain ticking over. However, it doesn't make up for losing my salary, my pension and my financial freedom.

I am starting to think about going back to work in September when my youngest starts school, but the logistics of childcare for four - both in term time and holidays mean that it's going to be nigh on impossible to get a job which is flexible enough to allow me to be there for the odd play/sports day etc and earn enough to pay a nanny/after school/holiday childcare etc. Whilst I don't for one second regret the time I have spent with my children whilst they were young, I do regret not thinking it through a bit more before resigning. I know it was the right thing for my children - my son kept saying he 'hates the nanny collecting us from school Mummy, why can't you?' and I've been able to go to every concert/play/match etc and when they are ill, I haven't had to worry about who covers the childcare and slow walks to school in the morning with all of them asking questions and spending time together have been magical, but, but, but....!

Only you know what the right decision is for you and your family - but really think about it before you take the plunge!

We are very average earners, so some of our experience won't be relevant to yours, and have also been lucky enough through circumstance and various patterns of WOH/WAH/studying with postgrad funding etc over the years to avoid making overly extensive use of childcare.

I've worked, apart from mat leaves, since my two (now 8 and 6) were born - mostly PT, but with varying hours. I've changed jobs a few times and am now in a lovely one (academia-related). I would have loved to be a SAHM when my two were smaller and have often been quite envious of those who are. I'm certain that if my dh earned at the level of yours, I would have stopped work for quite a few years upon having dc. However, and despite the slog it has occasionally been, I now find the sense of security my continuous experience gives me invaluable. I know that we could manage, and on not too bad a level, if dh lost his job or became very ill or I was widowed. I have also developed skills that mean that if I lost my job and couldn't find another, freelancing is a genuinely viable option. If you are making appropriate financial provisions from your earnings as a family, this may not be too big an issue for you. But it is for me.

I don't feel I've missed out on time with my children, really, although I have been lucky with employers and also working in roles that have generally allowed me to work extensively or even mainly from home. I've been, and am, around for them a lot, and so has dh been until fairly recently. I will add that, while we've never been poor, we have lived very modestly for the most part - we make sure the dc get enriching experiences, but private school, for example, is out of the question.

I gave up a professional job to be a SAHM when my DC1 was born 3 years ago. I really enjoy it, I love being my own boss and the flexibilty (can go anywhere do anything as long as I take the kids!). I thought it might be helpful to give my view on some of the issues mentioned above.

Money - all the talk above of being "dependent" on husband's income I think needs a major rethink. This life works for us because we completely feel like a team. The money goes into our joint account and is just as much mine as his. We both get an sms when it goes in and my husband says "we got paid". We both spend it as we like and discuss any big purchases together. We feel very strongly that we both work hard and it doesn't matter who currently does which part.

Mental stimulation - yes my job gave me that, but I have just as much now. I read books, online articles, newspaper, am much more up to date on current affairs, go to lectures, exhibitions etc (well not so much recently - DC2 two months old) have conversations, watch movies, ted talks etc. - in fact I have much more time for all of that than I did when I was at work. I also (but this is not essential) have done one year of an online MSc.

Private schooling - I don't think we could afford this unless I go back to work pretty soon. I did used to think I was giving my kids some sort of advantage by being a SAHM while they were small, but I have since seen lots of friends/relatives where both parents have always worked and they can now afford to send the kids to amazing schools. I spent a while wondering which was best and whether I had made a bad decision, but I think the whole question is futile really. We all do the best we can for our kids and whether they have working/at home parents, state/private school the important thing is that they have parents who love them, are reasonably happy and care about them. They will be fine, and they will be what they will be. I think much more sensible to decide based on what will make YOU content with your life, and then make arrangements to fit around that.

I know one SAHM friend who is very unhappy because she felt defined by her job and has no sense of worth or identity without it. She views any role which earns money as "real" and any role or self identity which doesn't as non existent or worthless. She is going back to work, and I think for her that is a good decision, she will be happier.

I do have the odd wobble about when/if I go back and how I will get back in, but I don't want to live my life always for some future moment, I want to live it for now.

A different perspective as I have never been a SAHM (DH was SAHP). However, I have been sole breadwinner. In recent years I have been through redundancy, contract work and only recently back into a permanent role.

It is hugely stressful. After redundancy I have had to accept roles as they came along. No holding out for the right job, putting up with a bad situation because we need the money.

I am always aware that my salary is needed to feed, clothe and house 5 people.

We are distinctly middling earners. DH currently earns £39k and when I was full time I earned £34k. Both professional jobs. I now earn approx £9k as a private tutor and am a SAHM. It was hugely worth it despite the big drop in income. I imagine it's scarier when you're talking bigger numbers, but remember quality of life is not necessarily about what you have, but the time you spend together.

I gave up my job as a deputy head teacher when dc1 was born. I obviously wasn't on City money but dropping household income by 45k was still not to be sniffed at. DH was a city lawyer doing ridiculous hours and being a DHT means you have all the class workload plus all the DHT admin to do on top so my hours were long.

We decided it wasn't sustainable so I gave up work to become a sahm. It has actually allowed DHs career to flourish as he now works for an investment bank. This is far less stressful for him but involves more late nights and travel. However, as it's not client based as such, he can chose to do 3 late nights and leave early one night. He freely admits that he can only do his job because I gave up mine therefore there is never any issue around me being 'kept' as we essentially both facilitate his earnings.

Have you thought about moving to somewhere like, St Albans? Just a half hour on the train into Town, with excellent schools both state and independent. We lived there for 2yrs after moving out on London and it actually halved dH's commute! You could obviously also investigate the larger local law firms in Herts if you wanted to take that route.

My eldest is now 10yrs and I'm due no4 in a few weeks and although I miss work I believe my boys have benefitted from having me at home. But it was a sacrifice I wanted to make and you really need to want to do it as it can get you down otherwise. Also, crucially, DH was in full agreement that it was the right thing to do although he would have supported me either way. Good luck with it.

I would struggle back to work and have a third child if that's what you want. Childcare much easier for pre-schoolers than school age. You sound like you have a lot of flexibility already compared to many jobs. Move out of London, get rid of mortgage, better state schools or cheaper privates is another option.