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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask the health visitor why she's here

335 replies

womblesofwestminster · 23/01/2014 18:11

Recently I got a letter from the health visiting team. It was informing me that an appointment had been made for a home visit for my DS because he has just turned 2.

DS is not a PFB. There's been no concerns with his development or health. No missed vaccinations or GP appointments. Nothing. So why the need for the visit?

I phoned and cancelled the appointment saying I had no concerns with my DS. They phoned back a few days later to say another appointment had been arranged. WTF? I thought this service was optional not mandatory?!

OP posts:
Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 23/01/2014 20:24

Yes we are in a country where we have a choice

It's not a choice though is it?

OP posts:
bodygoingsouth · 23/01/2014 20:24

pig what a very brave and interesting post. good for you. it is hard to acknowledge your child may need help so great point.

op what a bloody fuss.

as a degree level health care professional you should really know what HV are and what they do. you should also know visits are not mandatory in this country so there is no issue here anyway.

in case you missed a bit on your course though let me tell you that anyone of any profession can neglect/abuse their child.

keep that in mind if you work with children

strongurgetofly · 23/01/2014 20:24

The check in my area is 2.5 . With dc 1 they just sent a form with a return envelope asking various questions. I put on the form that I didn't think it was a valid way of checking and open to abuse. With dc2 they opted to visit (they have had more funding). I was glad they came because I learned some new guidance and they offered support for some of my own issues which I wouldnt have got if they hadn't visited me.
They are doing it for the right reasons. Better safe than sorry. For the hundreds of people with nothing to hide there are hundreds more who need help and this is one way of establishing need.

StarlightMcKingsThree · 23/01/2014 20:24

Mymate he HV knows it is an optional service. They are a HVing service not Social Services.

New Parents should not be expected to understand or worry about the intricacies of the system that puts HV's in a bloody awful position, or read between the lines that they aren't all or 'just' what they are called.

When you have to badger your GP for a referral for something you are concerned about it IS annoying to have a HV service banging on your door for something you are not. It becomes about the service provider rather than a service based on need.

MrsOakenshield · 23/01/2014 20:26

well she's not there is she, as you won't let her enter your home, so your AIBU makes no sense. If she was there you could ask her and she would say she is doing a 2 year check.

I went in for mine, it was fine, quite interesting. I think it helps them to get stats of where 2 year olds are and to pick up things that may go unnoticed.

HVs can certainly be very hit-and-miss but I think this is fairly benign.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/01/2014 20:27

I can understand you not liking Hvs OP if your experience has been negative.
I have felt the same about the nursery nurses in the HV team that DCs are seen by. I have found a frew of them to be very poorly qualified and over opinionated tbh.
But i don't think I would want to be as forthright as you seem to want to be, because it would be rude. I have always understood why they (HV or NN) are "there". It's sort of obvious.
I have the checks because I like to see How the DCs are growing and whether the HV thinks there's anything I can do to improve their lot.
If I felt the need to grill the person doing the check because I deemed it unneccessary I just wouldn't have the check.

Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 23/01/2014 20:30

you should also know visits are not mandatory in this country so there is no issue here anyway.

THAT'S my issue. They claim their 'service' is optional, but their actions say otherwise. They are being dishonest.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 23/01/2014 20:30

It's not about thinking you are potentially a bad parent and finding you guilty it's about a health check for your child. You may have a lot more knowledge than most, but can you truly say you are objective about your own DC?

However, I give up, you are determined to take offence and be self righteous about it, so just cancel the appointment.

eurochick · 23/01/2014 20:31

I understand the OP's concerns and think she is getting an unnecessarily hard time here. I do not know a single person in my social circle who has found health visitors helpful. A number have found them actively unhelpful. Only one has felt able to opt out of the service. All of the others have felt too scared of getting a "black mark" for opting out of service to do it. So they sit and nod and then ignore the useless "advice" they are given. It's a complete waste of everyone's time.

Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 23/01/2014 20:31

in case you missed a bit on your course though let me tell you that anyone of any profession can neglect/abuse their child.

You've just demonstrated my 'guilty until proven innocent' point.

OP posts:
mymatemax · 23/01/2014 20:32

I completely get that the frustrations of looking for service support that just isn't forthcoming and also the bizarre system whereby our children our expected to fit the service model available rather than providing what is actually needed.

It is an optional service but it is a difficult assessment to make when a parent is resisting contact, maybe for perfectly good reason but until there is some contact the HV (or any other prof) just isn't able to get a feel for if they should be concerned or not.

Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 23/01/2014 20:33

well she's not there is she, as you won't let her enter your home, so your AIBU makes no sense.

I made the thread prior to the appointment. I thought that was obvious Hmm

OP posts:
itispersonal · 23/01/2014 20:34

They should just make it compulsory and if you failed to attend the appointment you get fined. Would you be more happy with that op?

Heydiddledumdum · 23/01/2014 20:35

I don't like HVs, having worked with them and also with my prior experience.

A bit of a sweeping generalisation. I agree that there are HVs, especially 'old school' ones who can be patronising and prescriptive or even borderline unprofessional by offering advice that is not based on evidence.

Saying that you are bu to make such a fuss of this. Either you let the lady come and get it over and done with or refuse and also be over and done with. As said upthread, they cannot make you open your door to them. By all means ask them what the reason for their visit is but try not to be confrontational? No need for that, she is just doing her job. And it must be a tough job dealing with reluctant families, troubled families etc.e etc.

The ones in my area are particularly patronising and anti-bf.

Ok, are you still bf? If yes is it this why you don't feel up for being questioned about extended bf or possibly be made to feel guilty because extended bf is sadly not that common. She might make assumptions on sleep etc and by possibly questioning bf at this age criticise your parenting? I do sympathise with this bit but think that if you are prepared the HCV might yet learn something useful from you about bf? Grin

Just chill and make a decision whether you want her or not.

Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 23/01/2014 20:37

They should just make it compulsory and if you failed to attend the appointment you get fined. Would you be more happy with that op?

Yes I bloody would! I'd know exactly where I stood. No patronising 'choice' rhetoric.

OP posts:
Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 23/01/2014 20:39

Heydiddledumdum no way will I be bringing up bf.

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 23/01/2014 20:39

no, I've read all your posts and nowhere do you say that the HV is in, or has been in, your home. So your AIBU of asking the HV why she is here makes no sense as she isn't. You can't ask someone who isn't there why she is there.

itispersonal · 23/01/2014 20:39

Good, I personally think it should be compulsory! Cut out the time wasters ...

Though I still don't get your objections, if you are/ were in the profession.

Heydiddledumdum · 23/01/2014 20:41

no way will I be bringing up bf.
Why? Out of interest....

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/01/2014 20:42

I would feel uneasy around a HV who was anti bf, especially as I fed my DS until he was 2.
If you really don't want the check just don't have it.
What do you think they'll do?
The only action they could possibly take is to record that your child hasn't had a 2 yr review (these checks are back in fashion ATM as others have explained)
Not scary really.

SecretGP · 23/01/2014 20:42

I also think your experience and education means much really here.

As a 'health professional' you should know that it is inappropriate to 'treat' your own children or family as a parent could perhaps struggle to view the situation objectively.

I'm a GP. But I do not treat my DD. I take her to her own doctor if she needs it. I wouldn't be arrogant enough to assume I am an expert and refuse medical/health professional advice if it is offered.

I don't think my daughter has a problem, she's a bright little thing. But if and when the HV calls to make an appointment I wouldn't turn it down. Because it is for my daughter's benefit. They are there to advise, not to instruct. If their advice doesn't agree with how my family operates then I will politely ignore but I will accept their well intentioned visit with grace and respect as a fellow health professional.

HVs do not visit with a hidden agenda of guilty until proven innocent. Given your vast education I'm surprised you don't know this.

pigletmania · 23/01/2014 20:43

Thanks the body, ds is 2, has just had his check, apart from slow speech, everything seems to be fine, I will go to the SALT drop in at our local sure start, he is so different to dd. it is horribal to admit something is wrong, you just close your ears. I eventually had to wake up and realise when the differences between her and her peers came blindingly obvious.

SecretGP · 23/01/2014 20:44

*doesnt mean much here

girliefriend · 23/01/2014 20:45

I feel really sorry for the poor hv who does the visit, you have already decided it's a waste of time and you don't like her, before she has even set foot through the door!

I seriously can't get my head round why this would be an issue Confused and also do you not have any concerns about your 2yo?! None? Nothing at all? Really ? Hmm

I would always be glad to have a professional glance an eye over dd and to ask advice on how she was doing developmentally. With my dd it was at the 2yr check up that the hv mentioned concerns over lack of clarity in her speech. She ref dd to ent for a hearing test and she was found to have severe glue ear resulting in needing gromits.

This is for your childs benefit, seriously find something else that actually matters to get in a tizz over.

Oblomov · 23/01/2014 20:47

I hate hv's. I've had nothing but horrendous experiences with them.

But I think OP should just make a convenient pm appointment at the health centre, rather than her home.