AIBU or is my new DH?

[Hadenough8]

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

Mom, yes he lived with his parents until we got married and i would say not spoilt at all, probably the opposite. When we have spoke about his childhood, it wasn't a very loving or caring one. Although he idolises his parents and is always trying to impress them.

Strangely enough my reasons for not living with him prior to marriage, was that i didn't want a man living here with my kids, until i was sure he was the 'one' if you see what i mean. They have already had one father, i didn't want a long list of fathers.

Mad prior to marriage, he was very generous and thoughtful to my kids. He would stay at weekends and bring them a little something, take us to the cinema, days out etc.

Although now i am starting to see signs of his selfishness, for example his reply to my text about we need to talk about splitting up was 'where am i supposed to go' no, i really love you, i want this to work etc, etc.

At the moment i am feeling like his meal ticket out of his parents house.

I see. Sorry I thought the very young relationship with his ex was a marriage and that they all lived with her parents. Having children with someone is a big commitment though, even if they weren't married.

I'm trying to be really fair to him just to get everything absolutely clear.
You didn't say how old he is, or how old you are, but it does sound from what you said about his ex and the situation with her and access that he's not actually ever had the kind of relationship that most of us think is normal. When I say normal I mean what most people could reasonably expect taking on board good and bad patches, not dreamland.

When I suggested counselling, that was because you've been married such a short time and he's only had very few weeks living without older parental figure adults under the same roof.
It just seems early days to be forgetting all his good points and the reasons why you wanted to be married to him.

If you feel certain you want out and you really wouldn't trust him to love, care about and raise your children if the worst happened and you weren't around any more, then you do need to get out now and cut your losses, isn't he now your children's next of kin?
You need to check out all the legal points and either make a serious effort to get him to counselling, or if that's an absolute no to you, act sooner rather than later.

I typed that before your last Hadenough.
I'd be freaked out if I got the 'where am I supposed to go?' response rather than I love you and want to work this out.

It all just seems to have collapsed so soon but these things can and do happen and sometimes you just have to sort it.

Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20

Brilliant. Get your marriage annulled as this is not a marriage. It's a farce.

Most people who's parent's were shit, idolise them because it's better than dealing with the reality that they might not have been loved/ cared for wholeheartedly. (speaking from exp). At best people who complain about their good enough parents cut their own a bit of slack when they have their own children because they realise that it's impossible to get it right. Anyway that's by the by.
He sounds entitled and very very very child like.
He needs to be in his adult state not child, it sounds like emotionally you are a lot more evolved than him which begs the question how you felt you were compatible in the first place? How is your self esteem, are you not worth more than him and what he has to offer?

I have a friend who confessed that her ex (who's a mutual friend of ours) used to keep a spreadsheet of all the dates, gigs, etc they went to each month and he would let her know if she owed him anything for her share at the end of the month. Needless to say, I've pointed out that she's had a lucky escape and it's still taking her a while far too long to see that.

If you don't think counselling will work, it's time to decide what you do next. And no, I don't think he should have contact with your children if you're not together - he can't be arsed with his own, is it really going to be better for your kids to stay in touch until he fizzles out contact than if you make a clean break now?

"Same went for paying for kids, he wasn't allowed, then he was, then he wasn't."

Is that what he tells you? I mean, have you proof of that? In my experience it's far more common for a father to deliberately withhold maintenance when he is in an access dispute than it is for a mother to choose to reject a contribution to the bare minimum living expenses to which her children are lawfully entitled.

I think he's playing you. I'm really sorry, but I do.

'where am I supposed to go?'

You poor thing OP he sounds like a very selfish man indeed. That would seal it for me i think.

Hope your talk later provides some clarity.

Have a look at your options too re: annulment, divorce, your home, etc. - make sure you know where you stand.

P.S. enrique - op said somewhere that she's early 30s / DH in his late 20s

Sorry OP haven't had time to read all thru the thread, but yes, to me it sounds like you were his meal ticket to getting out of his parents house. I am so sorry it has worked out like this for you.

Maybe that's how his parents worked out their finances. Can u explain to him how 'normal' mumsnetters work out their finances, apologies if you've already done this.

He sounds v selfish and childish.

Where he goes is a one bed flat or house share. He can legitimately write his name on the milk there and be very happy.

Just get out, honestly. Explain to your parents that he changed directly you married him and has been EA. Then offer to pay them back for the wedding to the tune of fifty quid a month or something.

slimJiminy thank you, I thought I might've missed that.
I suppose his background, his past experiences and that age goes some way to explaining his mindset, but it doesn't in any way excuse it. Plus OP has had to be very responsible and is undoubtedly a hell of a lot more mature which just goes to flag up the gulf between them on the financial front.

I feel so dreadfully sorry for you OP. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and if I were you I would tell him he must move out of your home to enable you to have time and space to consider if you wish to continue the relationship. I don't think things will improve, they will only get worse as time goes on. Then investigate annulment, divorce etc.

I would also tell your parents and discuss it with them - it helps to have someone to talk to in real life.

Enrique I did see some court papers from when he started proceedings first time round where his ex had stated that he had financially contributed, however she wanted nothing to do with him or his money. Maybe they were having a similar argument to this! as i feel like telling him to stick his money where the sun down shine! I did get the impression from what i saw or heard that it was his ex's partner talking and not his ex. I think her partner (with whom she had a child too) wanted to put a stop to contact, rather than his ex. As when she split with this partner she was happy for him to have contact and pay for his kids. The minute she got back with this partner, she stopped contact again.

In fact she gave him lists of what she needed him to buy ie trainers, clothes, school uniform, petrol money for bringing the kids to him etc, etc on top of the financial contributions he was making. I saw the lists and helped him choose the items. Although obviously i don't know what happened in any other communication between them. Maybe he was asking her to justify what she was spending 'his' money on!

I will never know.

So have you lost tax credits now you are living together? If you're not actually living as partners, as in sharing money, then shouldn't you still be regarded as a single parent as far as tax credits are concerned? It seems like you have the worst of all worlds at the moment

Living together as a couple is about much more than money things lie how you perceive your status how others do how you socialise divide household tasks that sort of thing

I have just had a phone call telling me i should not give him ultimatums and marriages should be based on talking. Apparently he has taken on board what i have said and he will 'try' to change.

I told him it wasn't a case of trying at my childrens expense, it was a case of you can either stop resenting my kids or you can't. If the latter, then you have to leave. He is still insisting he doesn't resent them and i have told him actions speak louder than words. Its a vicious circle, he repeats the same behaviour over again, i then repeat that i will not tolerate said behaviour, he says sorry he is wrong to act that way and it wont happen again, then he repeats the same behaviour again. So his 'trying' last a matter of days or even hours.

The last 3 days we have done nothing but argue. I know in terms of a marriage arguing for 3 days is nothing. But this is not about the money, its about his attitude and my children.

Initially when he said that if he pays more than his share of bills, he cant afford court proceedings. My heart bled for him and i imagined how i would feel being without my kids and that i would save every penny to ensure it happened. We spoke about he HAS to help to pay for bare essentials and that we could save any money left over to enable him to do that.

Then he sat there telling me he had seen a jumper he was going to buy, and spend £100 on gym membership and he left work early to get his haircut etc, etc my heart stopped bleeding! I then thought before marriage, he has had plenty of opportunity to save money, why didn't he.

This then made me think this isn't about HIS children at all, its about MINE

Firstly he is a twat... no bones about it!

However, I am assuming you now get less tax credits/benefits etc as you are a couple?
I would sit down and show him the 'before marriage' figures and the 'after marriage' figures and ask where he thinks you should pull this 75% share of the bills from. I know my DC's don't eat as much as adults, use as much water, petrol etc. The heating would be on the same for 2 people (if not more) as it would be for 4 etc.

I agree that you need to protect your children and you have done a great job letting him know your standpoint in terms of prioritising them.
But step parenting is extremely hard, there's no handbook. If he feels resentment he should be able to talk about it with you without judgement but through self awareness he should not act on this resentment with them, then together for you both to find workable solutions.
I am a step parent and as well as strong love, a range of feelings arise whilst I'm trying my best such as disappointment, jealousy, frustration. They aren't right but they're just feelings I have no control over, not that I would show them to my DSD but my DP and I talk about them.
It seems like there's a communication failure going on between you both either from his side yours or both.

Who owns the house you all live in?

Ok - read through this quickly, but did notice that you said he was late 20s and basically has been living with his parents his whole life bar a little time when he was a very young adult. His redeeming qualities are that he does interact well with your dc, he thinks of himself as 'Daddy', he insists he doesn't resent them, he has said sorry more than once, he wants to resolve this through talking. The whole thread is full of what's wrong. I think he is just unaware and inexperienced - don't throw away this marriage yet - forget the emotional stuff for now and calmly try and talk with him about finances and the responsibilities that come with running a home. As calmly as you possibly can. You are older and more experienced and hard though it is you must act that way now. He does sound like he is quite nice in many other ways, so I think you should do your best to work this out.

I thought once you got married, what's his is yours and yours is his. You are not flat mates divvying up bills and going halves.

It's not fair that he has £1000 leftover for spends whilst you have £200 and you have to buy everything for your children from that.

YANBU.

What if you have children together or lost your job?

The last 3 days we have done nothing but argue. I know in terms of a marriage arguing for 3 days is nothing

I disagree. DH and I have never argued for three days, an evening maybe, but that's it.

Him not able to afford court proceedings is irrelevant. If he stopped buying new clothes and gym membership he could have had the money two years ago. He's not that bothered.

Bloody hell. Cocklodger.