AIBU or is my new DH?

[Hadenough8]

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

The money is important - it's symptomatic of his crappy attitude. He doesn't sound like he wants to be part of a family at all. If this is his attitude to raising a family, I'm not surprised his ex doesn't want him around their children. He sounds like a bloody child himself.

Unless he has some kind of personality transplant, I think you have a miserable future ahead with this one

What if you lost your job? Or had to be off with ill health? Would he 'sub' you? What if you had extra expenses one month and ran short and your kids needed dinner money? Would he forgo a new jumper to help you out?

I'm sorry but whether or not he has found the realities of living away from mummy and daddy a shock he is behaving appallingly!

How would your kids feel when they are older knowing that you had to cover their 'share' of the bills alone? I'm sure they would love to know how he accepts them as his own (except where his wallet is concerned!).

I really can't understand why this isn't a bigger deal to you? He is saying loud and clear "I am more important than you and your kids. It's not my responsibility to look after or help any of you financially." Doesn't sound much like he loves you or your kids OP. Sorry

Send him back to his mum and dad until he's had a big think about this. If his current behaviour is really how he feels your marriage is over.

The problem is not the money itself it is the attitudes shown by his reactions. In any normal blended family there is income x+y=z with z being the total to spend on the family's expenses.x and y are the two partners incomes z is the pooled amount. Any left over is available to both partners equally, some to save and some to spend in a mutually agreed way.
He is not behaving like a husband but like a selfish, mean prat of the first order.It should not matter who earns what. What if you become pregnant with his child? What will he do when you have time off work? Sorry love he stinks! Get out while you can.

You can't live like this, get him out now. In a marriage everything is shared so you don't have £200/£1000 you have £1200 and you both get a say in how its spent.

He doesn't get new clothes and luxury items whist your kids have to skip a school trip. They should be 'his' children too by now. Likewise you support him to gain access to his dc. That's not just a case of saving for court costs, he should seek legal advice now.

His attitude sucks and isn't going to change. LTB.

He doesn't love you OP. If he did, he would want you to have the same standard of living that he enjoys. He wouldn't be able to talk about expensive clothes and gym membership in one breath and then lecture you about petrol use in the next.

And him encouraging your kids to call him dad means jack shit if he isn't willing to actually be a dad to them and financially support them. If their own dad was meeting the costs of their upbringing, then I could maybe understand him using his own money primarily to support his own dc. But you have no money from their dad, so in marrying you (a truly single parent), he ought to be supporting your dc properly.

That you wouldn't trust him with them if you got hit by a bus is the only factor you really need to consider.

He is a cocklodger and the very best thing you could do is to get rid before he gets his feet well and truly under the table and starts making noises about division of your property. the sooner you get shot, the less claim he can make.

Probably not relevant, but I think being mean with money in a relationship is worse than having an affair.

Actually having a shelf in the fridge just for him is something that he said previously, I laughed I thought he was joking! There have also been some other comments which again i thought he wasn't serious or had other motives. Like a 4 pack of chocolate in the fridge, over the course of 2 days, my dc's had one each and he ate 2. On taking the last one from the packet, he commented about it being the last one and asked who had eaten the others. I told him dc's had and he commented about too much chocolate being bad for them.

This morning before he left for work he actually made a comment about it 'always being about you and your kids'

He then tried phoning me while I was walking around the supermarket, I ignored as I didn't want to get into a discussion in the middle of a supermarket. He then texted 'are you at home'. I texted no shopping and he asked why am I ignoring his call. So i phoned him when i got home and told him just that. I am not prepared to just keep ignoring what he says and does and carry on as if it hasn't been said or done and that we need to talk. It then turned into another argument, with him insisting he doesn't resent my kids and not even willing to accept that his actions suggest otherwise. I get what about all the times, i put them to bed, play with them etc, etc.

There isn't much hope is there.

I forgot to answer, we have been together for 2 years prior to getting married, just not living together, he moved in after we married.

He is late 20's, i am early 30's, so maybe not the most experienced, but hardly kids.

I'm sorry OP, it's a whole big mess, but on the plus side you have seen it for what it is and have the opportunity to take action to improve things rather than wait 5 years or ten trying your best to ignore things that belittle you.

Not only am I wondering why his first marriage broke down and why his ex has prevented him seeing his children, by the way, still not clear if he pays towards raising them at all? but am also wondering what his good points are and why you married him OP?

To be honest and this is no help now, the fact that he's never lived as the responsible adult in a home before is a major concern. If you've said how old he is I've missed it. Perhaps some kind of counselling together might help him grow up and get with it?

It sounds dreadfully stressful for you at the moment instead of still being in a honeymoon period

Anyhow i have told him that this obviously isn't working for either or us and we need to talk later about splitting up. I have tried to put things right and he refuses to accept that there even is a problem.

As someone said if i were to die tomorrow, would i trust him to look after my kids and the answer is no.

I don't know what to do with regards to the kids, if he asks can he still see them. They do have a relationship with him and they do love him. However if the feeling is not mutual and i am saying i don't trust him, then i don't see how a relationship with them can continue.

See if there's any way you can get an annulment given that it's only been a month. He's an utter wanker, he really is. I highly doubt he'll ask to see the kids in all honesty, but if by some miracle he does, simply say no.

I actually find this thread really chilling.

And sorry if it's been mentioned before, but who owns where you live now? Is it your property? Your name on the lease?

You need to leave this man - or kick him out. It sounds like he is intrinsically selfish, either as he is incredibly naive and just hasn't done the whole living together thing before, or because he is a champion manipulator. Either way, what kind of example are you setting for your children?

Choose very carefully and wisely next time

On the counselling point. I wouldn't hesitate to contact Marriage Care if I was struggling to resolve an issue as big as yours with my DH: www.marriagecare.org.uk/

He wasn't married before Enrique, they had kids when they were both very young. No disrespect to his ex, as i can see for myself why any relationship wouldn't work, if this is how he carried on. However, from what i have seen, access to his children seems to depend on who her current partner is. She had a child with another man and while with him, DH wasn't allowed to see his kids, he started court action. They split up and she had a new partner, he was allowed to see the kids, DH stopped court action. She then got back with 1st guy and DH wasn't allowed again. Same went for paying for kids, he wasn't allowed, then he was, then he wasn't.

No excuse, as i agree i would be doing whatever it took to see my kids, just answering the question.

Givemeaclue, there wont be a next time, this has put me off for life!

If you do part company and he does pay for his kids via CSA,give them a call as you can bet your bottom dollar he has already taken up the discount he gets due to living with your kids.

Did he live at home until he got married? If he did, was it all about him at home? He sounds awfully spoiled and entitled, and unreasonable
Was there any reason for not living together until you got married? And what the 'reason' you got married? What exactly is he expecting from a marriage? You really need to have that discussion now. If does sound like couples counselling is needed, if you decide to stick with it.

But he is being awfully controlling, and I'd be very nervous in your shoes. If this is after one month, will it escalate into something more sinister? At the very least, he is putting himself very much first, you a distance second, and the poor kids don't seem to figure at all.

He should pay for them through the CSA if she's being obstructive. Still sounds like bullshit excuses to me.

I'm sorry OP Worth thinking hard about whether anything in the last two years gave you hints that this might happen? I don't necessarily mean meanness with money, just general signs of selfishness, entitlement, poor-me etc. You don't have to avoid men forever if you're confident about your ability to spot red flags.

Slimjiminy i am not sure i can move on past this, even with counselling. I am generally a forgiving person and don't hold a grudge, but there will always be that thought at the back of mind and resenting kids, anyones kids, is a real deal breaker for me. As someone already pointed out what would happen, how would he be if i wasn't around at all.

so what did you do before? how much did you have left over then?

I was in a very similar relationship with a man like yours before my current one and I ended it because he lacked the ability to see us as a team, he had a separate food cupboard and refused to clean the oven(as he said he never made it dirty) even though we used it to cook our meals.
In retrospect I think if we had loved each other enough we could have worked through it but he was so stubborn and emotionally immature and I basically hated him by the end of it through loss of respect that the best thing I ever did (as painful and embarrassing as it was) was to end it.
He now is free to live his very selfish life and I am now with a man who is interested in talking about/ negotiating our domestic situation so that we are both feeling valued and there's a balance ofour needs. It'son going but this man I'm now with is actually worth the effort and you are too! Good luck

So have you lost tax credits now you are living together? If you're not actually living as partners, as in sharing money, then shouldn't you still be regarded as a single parent as far as tax credits are concerned? It seems like you have the worst of all worlds at the moment.

When I moved in with my partner, it took me a while to accept the shared finances thing (which I now regard as totally natural). As partners, I can't see it can work any other way. You pay together for household expenses and pay together for other necessary expenses including going to court to get contact with his kids reinstated.

This should shock him into understanding that there is a major problem. I think you need to lay out your expectations for your family and partnership ie that you are equals in decision making ,rights to spend your pooled money etc.
After all essential bills have been paid including for DC and potential legal billsyou should decide jointly how to spend or save your joint pot of money with an equal standard of living and no of treats.
That is how marriage works. He needs to be committed to doing his best for your kids for the rest of his life even if you died.

If he doesn't agree to this then you perhaps need to separate to allow him time to think. This is v WORRYING.