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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my new DH?

413 replies

Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 08:30

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
BratinghamPalace · 23/01/2014 17:51

OP I do not feel sorry for you. This is a very good day for you indeed. He is a child. A selfish child. You will spend ages trying to teach him and turn it around. It will never happen. End it. This type never changes. Selfish is hard wired. Be open and honest with your children.

LindyHemming · 23/01/2014 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 23/01/2014 18:14

Him not able to afford court proceedings is irrelevant. If he stopped buying new clothes and gym membership he could have had the money two years ago

OR he could have been saving the money he should've been contributing towards his children's upbringing from the times when his ex didn't want to take it Hmm
Presumably any spare money he had during those times he just spent?
and all the extra money he must've had when he was living with his parents and paying buttons towards his 'keep'

What did you fall for Hadenough? what are his good points? or have scales fallen from your eyes and you can't really remember?

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 23/01/2014 18:33

He has been living with his parents. He should have money saved for his court proceedings. But like you said anyway.. no real parent just leaves it for years. You make it happen. Leave him he's a twat and you've been had. I'm sorry I know that doesn't feel good. But he is and its true

GreenPetal94 · 23/01/2014 18:36

You are both being unreasonable to have this discussion after you have married. This is the kind of thing you need to discuss before you get married. But that said good luck with it all.

ashamedoverthinker · 23/01/2014 18:39

I was swearing through my teeth at the screen but when I got to the bt about the electric and there is 1 of him and 3 of you - that says it all really he is not 'married' to you in anyway other than the party he attended and literally names on the same pieces of paper.

Beggars belief there are so may hopeless selfish shits around in this day and age.

EirikurNoromaour · 23/01/2014 18:44

He's been earning £2k a month and living with his parents? Does he have £££££££ saved? If not why not?

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 23/01/2014 18:45

He is being a massive, massive twat.

LEMmingaround · 23/01/2014 18:48

How long were you with him before you got married?

My DP works, i don't - ok, i don't spend much money on myself because money is tight but the money is most definately ours. When i was working and he was short on work (self employed) the money was ours, just the same.

Aroundtheworldandback · 23/01/2014 19:06

I got married last year. I came with two kids and a dog. Dh pays bills, family holidays etc for ALL of us as we are a family and everyone is treated the same.

yorkie11 · 23/01/2014 19:54

Sounds awful op. Not read whole thread but working on it.

Airwalk79 · 23/01/2014 20:03

When me and dh got together I was a single mum living with my parents. He lived at home also. He understood that being with me also ment taking on my dd. When we moved in together we got a joint mortgage, account etc etc. Everything is in joint names even tho he had a big deposit for our home. Im still a sahm 6 years later. We now have another dc. Neither of us makes big purchases without consulting the other.
I know it's not very constructive but your dh sounds like a selfish pig.

Whats going to happen when you want a holiday / the car blows up / any other issue that sets you back a few hundred. Is he going to trot off to greece whilst you and 'your' kids camp in a tent?

Airwalk79 · 23/01/2014 20:04

When me and dh got together I was a single mum living with my parents. He lived at home also. He understood that being with me also ment taking on my dd. When we moved in together we got a joint mortgage, account etc etc. Everything is in joint names even tho he had a big deposit for our home. Im still a sahm 6 years later. We now have another dc. Neither of us makes big purchases without consulting the other.
I know it's not very constructive but your dh sounds like a selfish pig.

Whats going to happen when you want a holiday / the car blows up / any other issue that sets you back a few hundred. Is he going to trot off to greece whilst you and 'your' kids camp in a tent?

temporarilyjerry · 23/01/2014 20:05

actions speak louder than words

You hit the nail on the head there, OP.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 23/01/2014 20:07

Sounds like mis placed resentment at paying towards your children and not seeing his own
Honestly I had a friend who's husband took the fuse from an electric heater so it couldn't be used whilst he was at work. Some people are crazy. To think of paying only a third of electricity is madness and emotional fuckery !

Viviennemary · 23/01/2014 20:10

I think I'd feel like getting a divorce if I were you. Did you not talk about this before you got married. I agree with shared finances. But not this concept that all money left over can be pooled for spending money.

bouncysmiley · 23/01/2014 20:16

The other way to look at it is he earns more so should put more in, that would be fairer!

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 23/01/2014 20:27

\What if you had a child together OP? What would he do while you were on maternity pay and couldn't "pay your share"? he'd say where and when you could spend.

I supported dh while he was studying for a while.. and I was happy to do it.

Dh supports me to look after our children now. It's OUR money.

We check with the other person before making big purchases..but that's because money is tight for us. But we don't question food and bloody shopping. Or if I buy myself a top, or him some shoes iyswim?

PolyesterBride · 23/01/2014 20:38

Sockpixie - I didn't mean that a partnership is only about money but in the eyes of tax credits she's gained income when she actually hasn't. From a purely financial point of view if nothing else she has lost out.

I don't think this man has the right concept of what a family is. Hope he gets his head around it OP.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 23/01/2014 20:55

Wow. Feel bad for you, he sounds like a prize.

Hoisehold costs are household costs -both your responsibility. If he earns twice what you do, he contributes twice as much (or 3x your earnings, 3x the contribution).

If you stay in this relationship make sure you are putting away some hidden rainy day money.

cornflakegirl · 23/01/2014 21:10

It sounds like going from playing at families to actually being one is a massive culture shock for him. He's used to just thinking about himself. The question is whether he wants to change. I think felt is right - you need to allow him to feel what he is feeling.

Personally, I'd go for counselling. It's too late for marriage prep, but you do need to have all those discussions, to see whether there is a marriage to save.

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/01/2014 23:23

Polyester.

I know you didn't and neither did I, I was talking purely from a tax credit rule viewpoint.

Whist it is possible to live with someone without hmrc considering you to be a couple no way would the op based on the info provided fit, but I quite agree that he should also consider that the gov expects them to share and that's why she would have to claim as a couple and all his income would be looked at not all minus 1k a month for fun money.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 24/01/2014 03:41

How much money have you "lost" by him moving in and you losing tax credits? Because that is probably the minimu. He should be contributing.

Marriages take work. But you need to put your kids ahead of your marriage. If being with him means raising them in poverty then you may be all better off without him.

MammaTJ · 24/01/2014 06:05

Have you asked him why he didn't save prior to marrying you?

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