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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my new DH?

413 replies

Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 08:30

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
MostWicked · 23/01/2014 11:16

The ONLY way it would work for me is as follows:

You both pay ALL of your income into one account.
ALL expenses, including the children's costs, come out of that account.
Whatever is left over is for both of you to spend equally.

You are a family. You are all in it together and you all contribute in different ways, to the running of that family.

CreamSodaFloat · 23/01/2014 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlimJiminy · 23/01/2014 11:18

FWIW, I don't think there's a right or wrong re: splitting things according to income or splitting the bills 50/50 - whatever works for you as a couple/family although clearly his suggestion about you paying for 3/4 and him 1/4 is completely bonkers He sounds incredibly immature. How old is he op ?

DH and I do 50/50 with bills even though his earnings are 2x mine - but things are evened out in other ways (he pays for meals out, hair cuts, days/nights out, etc) and we definitely see our income as shared - although we don't use a joint bank account.

Don't wait until things flare up and you find yourself in a row followed by an insincere apology situation again. Sit down and talk through things again when you're both calm and not arguing. Get this sorted out now.

hoobypickypicky · 23/01/2014 11:19

You're still making excuses for him not even bothering with his own kids, hadenough. Any man who really cared would have re-started proceedings not still be "waiting to save up the money" Hmm for them, in fact they'd be camping out on the ex's doorstep if they had to. They wouldn't sod around "trying to sort it out with" the ex once she'd stopped contact and he'd have seen his kids more than "a handful of times".

I'll say it again, he doesn't even give a shit for his own kids and he clearly resents yours.

He's taking you for a fool, hadenough. Are you a fool?

specialsubject · 23/01/2014 11:23

did he know you had kids before you married?

in that case he should have realised that they had to be supported and paid for. Which BTW is also the case for his own.

I agree - are you a fool? You are if you continue with this as it is...

Littlegreyauditor · 23/01/2014 11:25

Little, blissfully happy, no far from it, im miserable. I have had enough already.

There's your answer then. Tell him he is on very thin ice above a pit full of sharks. Give him a specified amount of time to get his act together. If he drops the "it's all about meeeeee" act then consider your options. If not then why on Earth would you accept being miserable? You, and your lovely children, deserve better.

Good luck.

SlimJiminy · 23/01/2014 11:26

Yep. I agree with hooby - he should've started legal proceedings again the moment she stopped contact. What's he waiting for? How much has he told you he needs and how close is he to saving that amount? I'm not saying there's necessarily any truth in it. But if he has spare cash for a new jumper/hair cut/whatever then he can't use the court proceedings/kids excuse anymore. Surely you can see that's bullshit?

kitsmummy · 23/01/2014 11:26

Hadenough, do you own your house? If so, I'd make legal movements straight away to protect it as he sounds like the kind of tight bastard who would try to get half of the equity if you we're to split up over this and he may already be able to do this

sebsmummy1 · 23/01/2014 11:35

Kits, OP mentioned rent in her first post so I would say there is no owned house in the mix.

therewearethen · 23/01/2014 11:36

Did you marry this cocklodger after a few weeks OP? I agree with the others, he sounds financially abusive at best, he knew full well when you started a relationship that you come as a package of 3 not 1.

Can I suggest you get this moved over to relationships, I fear you may need more advice and support in the very near future.

Take care OP

Slutbucket · 23/01/2014 11:38

Just makes me glad of my husband when I read posts like this. He goes out to work and then hands it over to me to decide what we are doing with it. The kids come first and then we get what's left over. A true partnership.

sebsmummy1 · 23/01/2014 11:40

Slur bucket this also makes me want to tell my partner I love him over and over again and he is FAR from perfect.

MadBusLady · 23/01/2014 11:40

I'm sorry we keep bombarding you, hadenough, I appreciate this is a fast-moving thread and a lot to take in. But you keep saying things that are really worrying.

You SHOULD give a shit about the money. You absolutely should give a shit that someone who is supposed to love you is happy to shortchange you - and by shortchange I simply mean not split the bills proportionate to income. That is the bare minimum of what any reasonable person would expect in a marriage.

This is not just about you, this is about your DC going without. Please, please don't think it's somehow unladylike or showing a lack of devotion to protect your financial interests and those of your children. Marriage is not about voluntarily making huge sacrifices and waiting for the cosmic rewards.

catsmother · 23/01/2014 11:47

Please note what I've said - twice now - about him self-repping in court for the grand total of £215.

He could start contact proceedings NOW.

That excuse is rubbish. And all the while he delays, he's just making a big problem even bigger.

He might also like to consider that (if) when his case is finally heard - at some point in the future when he deems he's saved "enough" (??) - his failure to chase up contact in a timely manner may well count against him in the opinion of some judges who may wonder why it took him so long .... especially if his case isn't out of the ordinary and there was no barrier to self repping and getting things moving asap.

As I said before I think these contact "savings" are a red herring anyway - but you may like to use these arguments against the idea because he'll probably bring them up again when you next attempt to have THE big money discussion - and make you feel bad/unsupportive about it all.

I'm glad to read that you won't stand for shows of resentment over money from him. I don't think you should stand - either - to live in what is in effect a two-tier household where one party has so much more financial freedom than the other. You are really selling yourself short by thinking that it's "okay" for him to spend "his" considerable disposal income all on himself. You may not earn as much as him but you are no doubt contributing to the household in other ways and are not a lazy person. IMO, so long as both adult parties are doing all they can to contribute to the overall wellbeing and security of the family, then no-one should have any complaints or be pulling rank over money. It isn't just money that creates a home .... and it's entirely possible for someone to be working as hard as they possibly can in a lower paid job, i.e. doing their very best. They shouldn't then be financially penalised by their partner of all people just because their best doesn't come with a large pay packet. Not everyone is lucky enough to land a well paid job - doesn't mean that if your partner earns more than you he's necessarily putting in any more effort than you are. So why, once he's committed to you, should you be deemed somehow less deserving of a comfortable lifestyle which he sees as his right ?

I really think you need to address this whole financial thing from square one .... living such separate, and different financial lives can only lead to misery .... with you feeling like a second class citizen compared to him. Does he want you to feel like that ? .... his inferior. And how will you feel when "you" get a bill, e.g. dental work, and you have to go cap in hand to plead for him to give you some money - which he may well treat as a loan rather than a gift in any case.

If he didn't want to share everything with you - and hadn't made this explicitly clear before marriage - then why the heck did he get married at all ?

Topseyt · 23/01/2014 11:51

I am not sure there has been an adequate explanations as to WHY he seems to have no contact with his children from his previous relationship.

There really MUST be some reason for that, otherwise it defies logic. From the divorced/separated mums I know (and I am not one of them so it isn't personal experience), none stopped contact with the kids' father without very good reason. Maybe his behaviour towards you now was similar or worse when he was still with his ex. Maybe he wasn't such a hands-on father as he is leading you to believe and what he does now with your children is all for show, to ingratiate himself so that his life can be more comfortable at your expense.

He sounds like such an arse, and a tight-wad. Tread very carefully here.

Fairylea · 23/01/2014 11:57

So, so many things wrong here!

As everyone else has said really.

Personally I believe marriage is for sharing everything. I know that others don't share that view and fair enough but dh and I pool all our finances and share spending money equally. We have one dc together and I have one dd from a previous marriage. Both dc are treated the same and as ours together.

You don't have a family with this man, you have a lodger. And a rude one at that.

The saving for court thing is a load of shit. As others have said he could go to court now and self represent.

I'd leave him and start again and next time live with someone before you marry them!!

Mim78 · 23/01/2014 12:02

Tell him it's a Marriage, not a flat share. Is he going to start writing his name on 'his' milk?

This.

But we are looking very LTB if this is his attitude.

Jess03 · 23/01/2014 12:11

Yep just one more who thinks that your dh is an immature baby who doesn't understand responsibility. I have friends with dcs from previous marriages and all money is shared equally. I'm shocked he dared to suggest that you should pay more for your dc, he also knows how little you have left over, he sounds immature and selfish.

Anniegoestotown · 23/01/2014 13:08

What would happen if you did not have any money for food would he eat his food in front of you?

What happens when it comes to going on holiday? He can afford the Seychelles but you have to stay at home? Is that how it is going to work out?

What do his parents do re money?

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/01/2014 13:39

Forgive me if this has already been covered. As every time I refresh is takes ages to read all the posts then I have to refresh again and the same thing happens.

Does he pay for his own children, and there is a reason why so many people have asks you and yes it is relevant to the issue.

BeCool · 23/01/2014 13:48

OP if your relationship survives this 'dispute' I really really really hope when you finish your training you get a HUGE pay rise/massive new job - and don't share with him.

he is treating you like a flatmate and being an arse about it too.

Joysmum · 23/01/2014 13:51

If he got sick, or unemployed and couldn't pay his half of the bills Im guessing would he expect you to cover them. Funny how that could work in his favour.

My marriage is a partnership. Income is household income, expenditure regarded the same way. Disposable income is household disposable income. Anything else isn't fair.

Joysmum · 23/01/2014 13:52

If he got sick, or unemployed and couldn't pay his half of the bills Im guessing would he expect you to cover them. Funny how that could work in his favour.

My marriage is a partnership. Income is household income, expenditure regarded the same way. Disposable income is household disposable income. Anything else isn't fair.

SirRaymondClench · 23/01/2014 14:12

I hope the talk tonight goes well for you OP

carabos · 23/01/2014 14:16

Did you know this man before you married him?

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