AIBU or is my new DH?

[Hadenough8]

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

YANBU to expect him to pay half of the utility bills etc even if he doesn't want to pay towards your DCs clothes or other direct expenses. The fact he has even once asked why should he and that he is ok with spending money on fripperies for himself then trotting out Oh I am saving for court proceedings when you argue about bills shows him for what he is

It would be an uphill struggle to change that level of shit attitude even assuming you could . However humiliating the prospect of splitting so early in the marriage is I would not waste any more time on him and just chalk it up to experience

To those saying you should have spoken about all this before marrying I doubt I would ask anyone if they intended paying half the electricity bill because it wouldn't occur to me that they wouldn't and I am guessing he would have made all the right noises in any case just like he does now when you threaten him with the door

Perhaps he just needs talking round? I earned similar when we got married and my oh earned very little and I didn't see why I had to put all if my wage into a joint account what a selfish Pratt I was. Sure I used to have more to spend in me but now I just put 300 aside into savings for our future and the rest goes on joint expenses etc. tbh now I'm on maternity pay he probably earns more than I do.

Maybe explain that in a marriage you have to have a joint account for finances as everything belongs to the family unit, it's not like being roomies at university? Otherwise speak to his mum or get rid xxx

Ps perhaps this is why he previous marriage didn't work out ...

Can I just apologise for my awful spelling. I'm feeding my precious first born and half asleep as a result.

If he's serious about being sorry then I'd suggest he sets up a direct debit to a joint account. This way you can make all of the decisions to do with shopping and bills and he has no opportunity to slip in to berating you. Make it a generous amount with the idea if a surplus builds up it will be returned. He'll still have £750 for his own discretionary spending.

Somehow I don't think he'll go with this.

He had more then enough opportunity to save for the court while living with his parents.

You are a family now. A team. He is either in the team or not.

You are a team. You need to pull finances together, pay for your family together, save towards the court proceedings together, pay for his kids maintenance together.

What will happen if you have a child together? Will that child get more then yours?

He seems like a lodger at the moment

Thing is in OPs position I wouldn't want to have bent an arm behind my husbands back to get some money out of him, I would have more respect for myself than that so can totally understand the feelings of 'Fuck You, keep your money, I want nowt to do with it'.

Could you ask him to try living on £200 a month, just for 1 month (actually more like £70 as you probably spend at least 2/3 on your dc) so he can see what you're up against?

We managed to have an unemotional, calm talk last night without arguing, once the dc's were in bed.

I have more of a understanding of why he is like this. Basically this is how he was raised. He comes from a very big family, lots of siblings. Mum and dad had a shelf in the fridge for food which children were not allowed. Mum and dad had best food and children cheaper food.

When older, everyone had to pay their share or go without, for example a lock on the phone and if you were not helping to pay for the phone bill, you were not given the password to use it. Food in the fridge had names on it ie paid for by that person and no one else is allowed any, so if not paying your share, you were only allowed the food with no ones name on it.

All siblings put padlocks on the outside of their bedroom doors to prevent other siblings going into their rooms. Lots of arguments and fights about what belonged to who etc. and so on and on.

So it seems very much the mentality of what is mine is mine and every man for himself.

I was raised totally differently, a much smaller family. I was encouraged to share with my siblings and parents and no one ever went without. There was no best food for mum and dad, we all had the same (age permitting) etc, etc.

He said he doesn't resent my kids, he is just having difficulty adjusting to the way we live, it is all very alien to him. He said at times he feels a bit jealous of the relationship I have with my kids and the way we are as a family, as he never had this. He thinks this is the way that families should live, but at times he just reverts back without even thinking and he wants to try and try again until he gets it right.

He said he is terrified of having to go without as he did growing up and panics.

But he is ok with your kids having to go without?

Interesting.

Blimey, best food for mum and dad? WTF...if he's serious about change, you should manage all money together. He has demonstrated he isn't good at saving on his own. I agree, if 200/month is enough for you, he should be saving his excess and after the dc access is sorted, then saving for a big purchase or something else the family can benefit together from

I grew up in a big family and my father got far better food than everyone else because he insisted that was his right. We also had no money and as an adult I still panic about going back to that.

However, I'd never expect my DH or children to have a poorer life in order to allow me to have better things.

I think you need to look carefully at this and consider - if this is as good as it gets, is it good enough? You can't rely on him changing to make things better.

If ever there was a case for counselling I think he is probably it. That sounds like a damaged childhood to me and he needs to get some help for it.

I had a controlling father who also had food in the fridge that was just his, took the keypad out of the phone so we couldn't use it, taped the immersion button down on the boiler etc etc. He wasn't as bad as your husband's parents sound but it was damaging to my sister and I and definitely impacted us growing up.

He really needs to work through this or fuck off back to his parents.

Good for you OP. I was going to say what nirishma said.

Mumsnet is skewed towards more people assuming the worst of men, rather than assuming there could be misunderstandings or complete lack of understanding.

It is possible for the same action to have been the result of any number of motives. If course the result is the same, but how you deal with the issues differs depending on the cause.

What you've written makes perfect sense to me and means your marriage can be saved, but prepare yourself for the long haul because no matter how hard he tries, it's hard to change.

I remember my mum telling me that when she and my dad got married, he didn't change his clothes or underwear for 3 days. She was disgusted and he explained that he had my because she hadn't laid any clothes out for him! I can here the cries from mumsnet of LTB From here!

Fast forward and my mum had an excellent career, was the main bread winner, my dad did most of the child are and household chores. Good job she didn't LBT as no doubt the general consensus would no doubt be if someone posted a thread on this today

If he is serious about doing everything to change then he should go to counselling. CBT would probably be very helpful in getting him to change those automatic thought processes.

I am still a bit sceptical because whatever his background, the fact remains he was happy to spend money on expensive clothes and haircuts while letting you and your kids get by with next to nothing. Even taking his background into account, does that sound like the action of someone who loves you?

Why was he generous with money before moving in, but not after?

Don't get me wrong, it's great you talked and he has some insight into his behaviour, but it's easy to blame everything on your childhood as a cover for what is essentially just selfish and immature behaviour.

Funky, my dc's don't go without, I would never allow that. But I see what you mean. He is saying he didn't realise the impact his actions were having until I pointed it out. This is the first month of him having to contribute to the household.

Jess yes mum and dad had the best quality food, while children had cheaper food or none at all when older and if not able to contribute. Which seems to have then led to siblings taking from each other and the need for locks on doors.

I don't think money is really the issue here to be honest, we have never argued about money before. Money is easily sorted. I think its trust that needs sorting, he doesn't trust me to not leave him skint and without if I have access to his money. I don't trust him to have my childrens best interests at heart.

Dream I assume he was more generous before moving in as it seems to be more about control, not of me as such, but money.

He was in control of what he spent, how much he spent, how much he had left etc and he could insure that his biggest fear of having to go without didn't happen. As I said above, I think its more of a trust issue, than a money one.

I don't think people would have said LTB joysmum because your dad wasn't being abusive in any way. Just a bit lazy ( and smelly!). But the OP's h is expecting her to live on a pittance, raise her own children alone within their marriage (financially) despite the fact that she earns a fraction of what he earns. He has tried to stop her " wasting " petrol money to shop for food, while he buys clothes and a gym membership just foe himself. OP it's good that you talked, but his anxieties sound deeprooted and maybe should be addressed through counselling. I don't think it IS ok that he has £1000 disposable income while you probably have a few tens of pounds. What sort of marriage will that be? Will you all wear seconds and cut your own hair while he buys what he wants when he wants. This just can't work longterm, and the shocking thing is that he still thought this was unfair on him!! Keep talking and thinking. It's easy to ignore stuff. Before you know it you may have children and leaving becomes so hard. Maybe you should have counselling yourself to get to the bottom if why you feel such a scewed financial set up is acceptable in your marriage. ( I mean the one you originally agreed to.)

I think honestly if you want to make this marriage work, I'd make him going to counseling a condition of continuing to live together. It sounds like he has really deep-seated issues.

No, that's not fair joysmum. We do get similar threads now about men who can't function as adults in some way and the cry isn't "LTB" but "lay it on the line and tell him he needs to grow up".

If we get a thread like that and it turns out the OP has already issued eight separate ultimatums and broken down in tears and been laughed at, THEN it becomes LTB.

Good grief, that does go some way to explaining his attitude. How did you decide to move forward from here? It might be worth trying marriage/family counselling to get him past this whole panicking about going without things. Unless he can accept that individuals sometimes do have to go without for the benefit of the rest of the family (in most normal families!), you might end up on a merry-go-round of having these arguments!

I still think that Marriage Care could help you as a couple even if he decides to get counselling for himself elsewhere.

He's painted a pretty grim picture of his childhood/home life - sounds weird that kids would have padlocks on their doors and names on their food. I'd want to run a mile the moment I was old enough if that was me. But your DH didn't seem to be in any hurry to leave. He was still living there until he moved in with you a month ago - he could've moved out if he wanted to.

No idea how old his siblings are or what their situations were, but I'm pretty sure my dad might have been tempted to have a shelf in the fridge if we were trying to sponge of him in our late 20s... I don't mean he wouldn't help us in a crisis, but no way would he provide free food and shelter to scroungers his kids if they were taking the piss/just couldn't be arsed to move out and take care of themselves.

If he genuinely wants to change, I think you should deal with the finances. Take some control back so you agree on how your joint income is spent. Sit down regularly (weekly?) to discuss what you're spending/saving... and fgs get to the bottom of this court action business... how much does he need? Does he even know? Get a figure and draw up a savings goal for that. Tell him about the £200 self-representing thing and show him that it works both ways - that you'll support him through the legal proceedings because you're a couple with 4 kids in total, not two people with two kids each.

It's good that he's acknowledged his problems - and that you've got a clearer picture about how his upbringing has influenced him - but not many couples would cope with something this significant without the help of a professional. Don't hold off and see what happens/hope he changes now you've had your chat. Make some calls today and book an appointment.

It sounds like you're thinking about trying to resolve this OP. That's your own choice, after all you know what the situation really is like and what your H is like. But if you do try to resolve this, you really should have as a non-negotiable point that all income goes into a joint pot and once all household expenses are taken out, including paying for your kids necessities, the remainder is then divided in proportion to the contributions. In that way you are both working together financially, which is what a marriage should be about, and also his larger contribution is acknowledged.

Counselling would cost money! No im joking

Blackdaisies I don't think I need counselling. I didnt feel such a screwed financial set up is acceptable. I cannot force DH or anyone to give me money. I cannot control dh's thinking or his actions. All I can do is be responsible for my reactions to his behaviour and discuss what I feel is unreasonable. As I said I don't think the real issue is money, I think its trust.

I could insist that DH pay all his money into an account, but I do not want to force someone to do something they don't want to do. Whats the point? it would just add to resentment. I want ds to be able to trust me to have access to his money, not something that is forced upon him.